Friday Humour: Forgive Me Father
February 10, 2006 by The Tattoed Debutante
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been several weeks since my last confession. Actually, I’m not even Catholic anymore, but I still need to confess my sins. I broke a commandment. “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.” Now, technically this isn’t the commandment I broke. It’s more like an adapted version. “Thou shalt not covet the husband of a person you don’t know.” Now, before anyone calls me a home wrecker or a floozy, I need to point out that I would never act on this attraction, but I have it. Boy do I have it. And I had it long before I knew he was taken. And I will in all likelihood continue to have it. He’s just so pretty in a scruffy, half-homeless kind of way that we know turns my head. And if he were any sweeter he’d have to be made out of pixie stick powder. And I’m coveting him. And I’m feeling a bit guilty. And now I feel better.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It’s been one paragraph since my last confession. I figured that while I have your attention I might as well get the rest of it off my chest. So, here we go:
a) I have contributed to the delinquency of a minor. I have him convinced that I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread, and it’s only a matter of time before he learns otherwise. Although, while we’re on the subject, I would like to thank you for younger men and their willingness to worship me. So, thanks.
b) I have allowed multiple men to fall in love with me against their better judgement. They know it’s wrong, but I do nothing to hinder the falling. In the future, I promise to try to be more difficult to adore. Though you and I both know that telling men not to love me makes walking on water look like a piece of cake.
c) My cousin is going to have a baby, and she’s never even had an orgasm. Although that’s not my sin, I feel that it’s big enough that it should be confessed by everyone within earshot.
d) I ate three bowls of clam chowder in one sitting. Then I threw up. So I think you already took care of that one.
e) Oh, and since we’re talking, I’m sorry for not visiting your house more often. Like the sign in front of the Catholic Church read, “Staying in bed yelling “Oh, God,” does not constitute going to church.
Thank you,
Your wayward daughter
The Tattooed Debutante.
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