Friendly Fire - One-sided attraction between friends
Whether it happened in childhood or in your adult life, at some point an uncomfortable situation probably has reared its ugly head. The scenario: you have this friend who you are comfortable with and whom you like. Well one night you’re at the movies, the bowl-a-rama, or just hanging out at home and she gets a little closer than normal. You think nothing of it until her head’s on your shoulder. When you turn to ask if everything’s okay you see that she’s staring at you and her eyes are locked with yours. That’s when, even as a normally oblivious guy, you start thinking… uh-oh.
What you have here is a friend who’s developed the hots for you.
First off, oh boy! If you want to keep the friendship (or if she’s unattractive) the name of the game at this point is diplomacy—and lots of it. However, if you don’t value the friendship all that much (and she’s a looker) then it’s party-time my friend. (In that particular case I recommend you enjoy each other to the utmost even if it runs the risk of ending badly.)
But back to my first point, if you want to keep the friendship there are a couple of things you may want to try in order to attempt a resolution without offending her. (I say “attempt” because just the fact that you aren’t attracted to her could be enough for her to avoid you. Women are sometimes funny that way.)
1) Investigate, investigate, and investigate some more
If your friend has just come out of a bad relationship she may not really be attracted to you but, rather, the idea of you. What I mean is that if you are a caring guy in her life whom she likes and respects, she may (inadvertently) be interpreting her feelings for you as being romantic when they actually aren’t at all. But you won’t know this unless you do an informal round of questioning. I say informal because if you ask, directly, “Have you had some recent relationship trauma?” she may assume what you’re thinking and become upset or offended. My advice is to be subtle and just talk to her about her family, friends, what she’s been going on with her lately. The key is to let her talk, talk and talk some more. After awhile the emotional stuff should bubble up without you having to reach in and yank it out. If she is displacing feelings for her old beau onto you, it’ll be much easier to make your point once she’s spilled the beans.
On the other hand, if her feelings have developed independent of any other factors, then all the talking in the world won’t convince her that she’s not in love with you.
2) Act like a dumb guy
I can not tell you how often this little trick has worked for me. Women, for all their big talk of equality, oftentimes think men are stupid when it comes to relationship stuff. Capitalise on that prejudice. I’m not suggesting avoiding the issue indefinitely, just temporarily if you think she can work out the feelings on her own and you don’t want an immediate, direct confrontation. That being said, if it looks like the feelings may be permanent, you can use this stall time to come up with a plan.
3) The Plan
This is where most guys sputter and crash. It’s tricky because you have to make her feel special without making her feel like you’re really interested in her. It’s a delicate dance that, if done correctly, will end in a stronger friendship and greater trust level. But, just to caution you, it is far more frequently done wrong and that causes alienation and resentment.
Here’s what you could try. Follow your normal routine and, during your next one-on-one get together, SUBTLY bring up relationships in general. This will be where she admits her feelings or she tip-toes around it. No matter what she does, you need to talk to her about what you are looking for in a mate. You need to underscore the fact that her qualities don’t totally align with what you are looking for while emphasising how important she is to your life as a friend. What that does is to tell her that your needs wouldn’t be met in a romantic relationship with her but that you value her in your life.
In theory, this should work out but be prepared to be very patient if this catapults you into an excessively long conversation about feelings and relationships. Let her do most of the talking and just chime in to let he know you are listening. By doing this she is venting and, don’t worry, it’s part of the process. Don’t be curt or rude during this phase of it or you could derail all the progress you’ve already accomplished.
4) After the Plan
Short of finding another (super awesome) guy for her, you’ll just have to give it time. After you’ve investigated what’s going on it is vital that you not engage in confusing actions. For example, if you’ve broached the subject of her feelings and let he know that they aren’t mutual; you should avoid doing anything that might resemble a date with her immediately afterward. Even if you guys always have some standard get together on a given night of the week, my advice is to explain that, in order to keep the friendship healthy, both of you need a small period of time away from one another. I think this should be done even if she’s acting cool with everything. Her emotions may be volatile and unpredictable; still waters run deep after all.
5) Be open and available
Your friend is undoubtedly feeling vulnerable with everything’s that happened so just let her know that, unless she feels otherwise, things don’t have to change between you two. Crack a light-hearted joke or give her a low-level compliment to break the tension. Just be there for her like you’d want her to be if the roles were reversed. It might also be a good idea to forego telling her about potential love interests (if that’s something you talk about) for awhile but be open to hearing about hers.
There’s no reason this has to be the death toll for your friendship with her but be mindful to appreciate her needs while being true to yourself. If she does decide that you two can’t be friends anymore, take comfort that it won’t be through your lack of trying.
Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.
