After I broke up with an assclown many moons ago, I found myself wondering about getting back with him. He was no better than he was when I was with him but I decided that the desire to be around him was so great that it must be indicative of how great our ‘love’ was – surely love would conquer all?
Fortunately common sense kicked in on that occasion because I recognised that not only was he no better, but he was actually worse. However, I am not alone in wanting a man and a relationship that’s no good for me and even though I went on to be involved with even more assclowns, one thing that stuck with me is that there is a reason why you broke up.
You can gloss it over, inflate it with your vision of the great, happy ever after, but in the cold light of day, you cannot ignore the fact that the relationship ended for a reason and if that reason still exists, even if you choose to ignore it, the relationship will fail again.
This is a key fundamental because as women who have a great capacity to expend vast amounts of emotional energy on poor relationship investments, we love to:
Believe and insist that they can change – I Can Change Him syndrome
Suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome – overdiscussing and overthinking the relationship so that we can mask inaction
Project our vision of things on people or decide that they will do something because it’s what we do if we were them.
All of this means that we end up spending far too much time with men who are unworthy of us because we’re not being real about the relationship and then when it’s over, we continue to expend even more energy pining for the illusion and trying to restart the relationship.
Most of the time when I have wanted to get back with an ex, it’s for the security because there is the fear of the unknown which seems less palatable than being around someone who saps the good out of you.
Fear is often the key driver – fear of being alone, fear of starting over, fear of him being better for someone else even though he’s crap with you, fear that all men are the same so you may as well settle, fear you can’t do any better, and the list goes on…
Getting back with an ex needs to be a positive step that enables you both to go forward.
It can’t be a case of you deciding to shut out the reality of him and the relationship by choosing to ignore or gloss over the reasons why the relationship ended, because it doesn’t change the fact that not only do they still exist, but those issues still exist for him, even if he’s not prepared to acknowledge them or be accountable for his part in the relationship.
Wanting, wishing, willing for things to be exactly as you imagine them to be is not the best use of your energy. It is important for you to get real because the sooner that you get real, the sooner you can establish whether there is anything to actually go back to.
Don’t get me wrong – there are people who break up, get back together and go on to bigger and better things together, but invariably when poor relationships end, they’re supposed to, it’s just that human nature makes us resistant to change. We’re also resistant to working at things but we’re also resistant to recognising that we need a foundation to a relationship in the first place for there to be something to work on.
And this is where many of us have and will come a cropper – if you are habitually involved with emotionally unavailable men and assclowns, your relationships have little or no foundation which doesn’t give you a great place to start from when you’re considering returning.
You also need to recognise that the reasons why a relationship works for one person is not the same as the other parties reasons, particularly in a poor relationship.
The guy may be comfortable with being able to behave in a certain way – if he’s been used to being allowed to take the piss in the relationship, show up when he feels like it, call when he wants to, be taken back when he’s played away, not have his lack of contribution questioned etc, it’s a bit of a leap to think that he’ll be comfortable playing the dutiful boyfriend.
We can’t assume that because we love someone that they in turn should embrace that love and do as we expect – as I’ve said before, loving someone doesn’t create an automatic IOU.
You also need to consider that in poor relationships, often what we think is love, is drama and fear.
The big question you have to ask yourself is: what are you going back to?
When you put aside what you’d like to be going to if only he did x,y, and z in the future and look at his consistent behaviour, you need to weigh up the reality of who he is. If he’s been a jackass for 10 out of 12 months and you’re focused on the first 2 months as a basis for going back, something is rather jacked up about your optimism because he’s been an assclown for 83% of your relationship and you’re living it up on a meagre 17%.
You then need to ask yourself: have we been down this road before?
If you’ve broken up numerous times, what’s so different this time?
You think he sounds more contrite, more desperate? Has he made oodles of promises? You desperately want it to work? If you’ve broken up many a time, the likelihood is that unless something is dramatically different and he is consistently action focused (and you are too), you’re barking up the wrong tree.
Remember – the level of upset you feel after you break up doesn’t correlate with the amount of love you think you feel for him – if you have low self-esteem and a penchant for poor relationships, you hanker for the bad stuff.
Be real about what you’re going back to. If I had gone back to the assclown I mentioned at the beginning, I’d have been going back to a flaky guy who wasn’t sure from one week to the next how much of a boyfriend he wanted to be. I’d have been wondering who he’s flirting with when he’s out, waiting by the phone fannying my life away, and feeling disappointed by his failure to live up to the promise I had created for him. The real him wasn’t very attractive.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Sooo true! NML i truly thank you for helping me become a much stronger woman. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to go back to the xEUM but i kept reminding myself that he was still the same person and that he hasnt changed. That kept me focused on the FACTS rather than the fantasy or wishes that I had. Every time i was afraid, or thought that i had missed him, i went back to asking myself if things would be any different and the answer was always “NO”. I learned to realize that the desire lay mostly in my heart and that I could not will something to happen just because I wanted it so badly. It helped me to take a step back and realize that I was giving to much credit to a man and a relationship that wasnt even giving me 25% of what I wanted. That it takes TWO people to make it work, not just me doing the work for both of us. Like you said, I can want it all I want, but the truth and the fact remains that this person has not changed and so therefore, what would be the purpose of going back? You have helped me tremendously with my self esteem and in realizing that I need not be wasting my time any longer. I am altogether a much better woman with all types of relationships because of your advice and your site.
Thank you again!!!
Ugh. Yes.
Last year I was dating a man who was going through a divorce. I fell hard. So did he. But it became really obvious really quickly that he was not at all ready for a new relationship. So I sent him away to sort things out and spread his wings a little, and we agreed to meet again on a specific date.
So last week we met up again, and it was p-a-i-n-f-u-l. Not only has nothing changed — it’s actually gotten worse. His divorce is stalled, he’s angry at her for that and furious at himself for having a bad marriage in the first place…and while he’s still crazy about me, he’s also still not ready for anything serious.
I cried. He cried. And then I sent him away again. And while I told him he was welcome to call me when he’s legally and emotionally free, I don’t know when that will be, and I am not holding my breath that I will ever hear from him again.
It hurts like hell but at least I’m not hanging around waiting who knows how long for things that are totally out of my control to be different. I have to believe there’s someone out there who has all of this guy’s fantastic qualities AND is ready to fall in love. (There is, isn’t there?)
P.S. I will never again date someone in the throes of a divorce. The ink has to be dry on the final papers, thank you very much. Learned my lesson on that for sure.
Very timely post NML, thank you! Had the rose tinted glasses already in my hands but putting them quickly back in the drawer now!
Hey Nibbie,
You are really smart to send him away and tell him not to come back until he has things sorted out. I was in a similar situation, and spend 3 years of my life waiting for a “stalled” divorce. I finally was able to stick to no contact, and he is still married, (maybe or maybe not working on the divorce). He always said he loved me, and that it was me he wanted to be with, but was always spouting the excuse that it was a delicate matter getting through the divorce…. I finally figured out that the divorce was probably not happening, and he was telling me that to keep me hooked. So, I hope that wasn’t the case with you, but please stick to no contact. They don’t have anything to give you if they still have a wife (whether in the throws of divorce or not) She is still in his life, and you will always come second.
Best of luck as you heal. Things do get better even when it feels like it might not! You deserve a man who is wholly committed to you.,
I can only speak for myself and after finding this site and reflecting on my relationships with others (not only men, but family, friends too) one thing rings true over and over again. It’s like a bad nightmare. I have given the people whom I’ve had relationships with way too many chances to change. I’ve been overly forgiving, and ignored red flags, and have gone back to relationships clearly when I shouldn’t have. I had bad boundaries, thought I could change them by loving them enough for both parties, and the talk too much syndrome.
But I have learned so much, and now am working hard on building self esteem, setting boundaries, and to stop being overly compassionate which causes me to take on problems of others.
The last EUM was the final straw for me. I finally said I’ve had enough and so began my mission for figuring out why I gravitate towards horrible men, and friends who use me, to people who act one way when they want something and another when they want nothing to do with me. It’s hurt me so much inside, and now I’ve realized how I can make it stop once and for all. I’ve gone NC with all my EUM’s, crappy friends, and even a few relatives. THe strange thing is now these people won’t leave me alone. They are constantly trying to get my attention and begging for my friendship. But it’s too late for them, I’ve moved past them now.
I’m still in recovery, and still trying to forgive myself above all other things. I’m grieving the losses like I should have been and it’s getting better every single day. Because as one dear friend of mine told me so long ago, “it’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you lonely”. I didn’t get it then, but she’s right and onward and upward. All I can say to those who are just beginning NC and trying to stop obsessing. Just keep stepping through it, just keep working on yourself, your life and your self esteem and setting boundaries. All this stuff works eventually, but it doesn’t happen over night. Shed the old ways and begin anew. It’s well worth the journey.
Many thanks to NML and all those who post here!
Excellent post. I recently broke up with – once again- the assclown that has been in my life for 2.5 years. This time though I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “The only person who consistently disappoints me in my personal life is …. Me”. I am the one who allowes his poor behaviour time after time after time from the same person. HE IS – WHO HE IS and that is not going to change. I asked myself “Did I really think it would be different this time?” He is still the same ass he was 4 months ago why would I expect a different outcome? It is like taking the same route to work every day only to get into a wreck every single time. Finally you have to say… Gee I really need to investigate a different route.
Gigi -could of written your post myself!!! so sad to realise (2.5 years for me too) that the person doing this too me – is me!!! insanity is classified as doing the same thing over & over and expecting a different result!! the amount of times I have gone back to my ex eum expecting things to be different is a joke – for him anyway, not so funny for me actually. doing nc yet again & determind to stick to it this time, there is only so many times you can kid yourself.
Thank you for this post…. So many times I think ooo will he contact me how will it be if he does?? and then when things are bad and I’m feeling down or even when things are going well I think oooo will I contact him now?? But now I know I must tell myself he has not changed one iota whatever the contact goes he will be the same assclown he always was but I was blind and deaf to seeing and if I didn’t really deep down think this then there would be no purpose to or indeed any reason as to why I started no contact in the first place… I do know going back will equal the same result him with a stroked ego and me feeling dejected and down on myself ..
Nibbie and Lisa: The mere fact that the ink is dry on the divorce and custody/alimony decrees is not necessarily dispositive — and I have personal, painful knowledge of this.
I began dating my EUM about 10 months after these papers were finalized. We were great for about 50 days — then, sadly, issues regarding the ex, the children, the ex hooking up with, and moving into the home of, another man, the former marital domicile, etc. arose. As a result, my EUM went totally EU. While we have maintained sporadic e-mail communication as of late, I have not seen him for 12 weeks. I understand and acknowledge that the above are weighty issues. But, it’s too depressing waiting around for him to sort them out while he absents himself from my life because he is apparently too depressed to climb out of the cave to be with someone fun, funny, and worthy. I still miss him and what we had, but I don’t see any end to this soon, so I have tried to move on (dating sites — you know how disappointing those can be).
At any rate, the moral of the story seems to be “Dry ink on the decree does not an emotionally person make until/unless most post-divorce issues are sorted out and resolved.”
Nibbie,
It isn’t the dried ink that counts. That is just the start, he won’t be ready to be a healthy partner until the ink is dry *and* he has healed. And if the healing doesn’t take a year or three – he wasn’t a real man in the first place.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances
TRUTH.
I’m a firm believer that exes are exactly that for a reason. A leopard can’t change its spots.
Thanks for posting this entry NML.
Just to add: As Betterwithouthim stated, the same goes for friends and family members. I’ve had to step away from those relationships too.
Purrrrrfect timing to have found this site… I no longer hold on to assclowns, the journey started tonight!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
Hi All
I need some advice my ex EUM has for the last two nights has called me and withheld his number he does not speak just listens when I say Hello. Once I realise it is him as this his usual trick I have had in the past I just don’t answer.
His current shag (woman) was out on Friday and Sunday night in the same bar as I was inand was looking over at me most of the night with her mobile phone in her hand as if she was texting. (possibly him). I on the other hand was flirting with a gorgeous guy and just saw fit to laugh at her pathetic, childish antics she is 48 and I am 28!!! My ex was not out on Friday and he is nearly always out so I can’t figure out if when he knew she was out why wasn’t he???? Anyway let them get on with it now he is HER problem now.
My question is why has he started to withheld call me, what is he getting out of it, he is not talking or asking me to get back together with him? Is it a control thing? Is he getting some kind of kicks out of knowing what I am doing and getting me to answer the phone?? I am confused?
The Cat
Thank you for this post. my exEUM has also been calling as of late. He says he has changed. He says the past 4 months have been really eye opening for him and he has learned to prioritize, talk about his feelings, etc. and wants to get back together. I have entertained his phone calls and have LISTENED to him…thats all I have done! He talks and talks about all the things hes done wrong, what he has learned, etc etc. He does sound sincere and he does sound like he has changed. The only problem is: My gut is not trusting it 100%; plus, this is not what I wanted at the moment! I jsut want to be single for now. So, I have told him this. I also told him if he really wants to be with me, then he will respect my wishes and we will find our way back to each other in time. In the meantime, I am doing my own thing and practicing non-attachment (yoga…)!
Thecat,
You have to trust your instincts, I think re-read your mail and see that in fact you do know what’s going on. This is crazy drama he is keeping you in and it will affect your health and your spirit and your self esteem. He is so not worth it. If he is doing this then he is stalking you which is a crime, and if it is stalking then is it a MAJOR psychological illness he has, which in turns makes him a dangerous man. Take the focus off him and however many other women he has in his harem, and put it back on yourself. Get safe. he will do this to all his women if this is his pattern. I beleive it is as you say a control thing and yes he does get a sick pleasure out of it…Eeeew, creepy!
nevergoingbackthereagain, realizing the insanity of my relationship was one of those light bulb moments. And when the light bulb went on there was no more pain. The only person I had to be angry with was me — for letting it happen once again. We hear the words doing the same thing brings the same result but we never really understand until one day we have had enough. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and hurt and disappointed. I now realize how much control I have over all of that. What we put ourselves through is ridiculous. Just make it go away….You have the power to.
Brad K.,
You are totally right. And I don’t have a year or three to wait.
It still hurts, though.
Although I realize and understand AND accept that getting back with an ex, in general, would go down south for the reason that most people (and especially Mr. Unavailables/Assclowns) don’t change, would anyone be able to tell me about or write a post about those moments when two people meet, have a terrible experience, go their separate ways and then both reunite along some other path both changed for the better from the inside out by virtue of their own desire?
Thecat~ I agree with De. THis is some crazy drama and you get to make the choice now to step out of the DRAMA box. I myself just the other night received a voicemail from a EUM. He was drunk and his voicemail said something about just wanting to hear my voice, hope I’m doing OK. The usual EUM bull crap.
These assclowns don’t get it, they are oblivious to your feelings, and oblivious about giving you the freedom to move on and have a life of your own. It’s all about THEM.
TheCat – remain NC don’t get pulled back in – you deserve better.
I believe that people can change, just the same as you. However, they need to recognize that something is not working out in their lives, and then desire to change, and put in the work to change. But no one should wait around for them to do it.
They have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Love Is In the Air – Lovebugs
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I agree they have to be sick and tired or being sick and tired.
I have known this man for 10 years, we like each other blah, blah, blah. He talks about having a family, but thats where is stops. He is so afraid to get involved, but when he sees me with another fella then he call and calls and calls, but I know that he is unavailalbe.
I went last year with 90 days not contact. hey what does it mean when they call and they dont even leave a message?
The reason webbie he didn’t even bother to leave a message is that he wanted you to be curious enough to call him back so that in some sick way you’re seeking him out too.
My XEUM is a serial online dater, extremely promiscuous and a lying cheat. Nonetheless, I think about him often and about the 27 year old that he was texting while we were on vacation and sending pictures of our vacation. She is a woman he works with…one of many in his harem, all of whom are supposedly “friends.” Because of her age (27) vs. his (48), I don’t know whether they were truly involved or whether he was just “hopeful.” I also do not know whether it turned into anything as we broke up 3 months ago and I am proud to say, I have maintained no contact for the entire time; although, I have been weak, desperately wanting to reach out to him, but I haven’t!
When we first broke up, all I could dwell on was what was wrong with me…why didn’t he want me….what does she have that I don’t….what could he possibly have in common with a girl young enough to be his daughter? Over time I have come to realize it wasn’t me, it was him. This morning, I was thinking about this article, the one about Exhaling and the one about Why Her and Not Me? In the Exhaling article, Natalie observes that these guys operate on a “need to know basis” – they only let you in on that much of their life or aspects of their life that they want you to know and you are completely cut off from and kept in the dark about the rest. Suddenly, I had that “aha” moment…..Little Miss 27 year old is/was (if she’s still around) in exactly the same position I was in – He only told her what he wanted her to know – he told her he was going skiing because he had to explain his not being at work and on vacation, I think he also wanted to impress her that he was going skiing, but I am quite sure she didn’t know he went skiing with his “girlfriend.” I am quite sure he also hasn’t told her he is active on 2 online dating sites and several adult sex sites looking for “discreet relationships and casual sex.” Just to name a few things I’m sure he also hasn’t told her: the extensive porn on his computer, his secret crush on another co-worker who just wants to be friends, that he is not as well-off as he portrays himself, that he does not have a college education like he tells people or that he’s an Amway salesman! (YES, that part is absolutely true)! So, there you have it….she doesn’t have anything I don’t have. In fact, she has everything I had – the rollercoaster ride, the lying, the cheating, everything XEUM has to offer in the way of aberrant behavior! AND, she is/was being kept on “need to know” status just as much as I was. Most importantly, she also has the heartache and pain that comes with this guy. Then, I asked myself why would I want to go back to that and, then, realized that I have something she DOESN’T have – peace and dignity and a sense of self esteem that is growing day by day.
Judy Judy judy…right on!!!! my life exactly!!
Thank you!
the need to know thing…I just cut contact with one who I had cut contact with last year, started emailing me again. I did find out he had a girlfriend, information he kept from me for a year! I lived with the emails for the past three months, enjoying them in a ‘going back to the past kind of way’, tried to figure out ‘what he wanted with me, why he wanted it and if ever when! I realized that all I was doing was in fact thinking about him in this way AGAIN. so I sent him a mail saying I could not fdo this any more, I was afraid of him and old wounds were being opened and I didn’t like how I was feeling, I was re-living horrid moments so wanted to stop emailing. He wrote back saying, ‘Oh this never ending story, when will you realize I have a girlfriend”. What a cruel man. I cried but realized this message was becuase I had called it quits and he didn’t like it so he had to put the knife in one last time. What a waste of my time and energy, and what a f… a hole. I hate him, I mean I really do, he never deserved my time. I just hope he’s doing the same thing to his beloved new gf. I know thats mean but feeling laid flat, it’s the only satisfaction I can get.
get this one. my person i had been seeing for the past 10 months just moved yesterday across the country to live with a past female acquatintance. the planning had apparently going on behind my back. so…we went out to dinner 2 nights ago(night before he left) – he said if i get lonely in the next month or two would it be ok to call you – as a friend. um…what is wrong with these people. i am just glad i am not this girl he is moving in with. i read a letter she had written him about 3 years ago saying he deserves to be treated like a king & she is capable of that with him. seriously……
what i think we are forgetting – when they are contacting us & living with or dating another they in a sense – or not even in a sense – they are cheating or betraying the person they are with. speaks volumes. why would we want them anyway – there enlies the question…..or the problem.
Betterwithouthim
Liked your post about avoiding toxic relationships no matter if they are romantic, platonic or family. Recently I thought I had a chance to widen my circle of friends with a male who seemed friendly and helpful then inexplicably he stopped all contact. After having an email ignored I decided not to make contact and to leave it at that.
Two and a half months later he calls me out of the blue and leaves a message on my cell, drunk dialling I believe it’s called, to see how I was. I was pissed off that’s how I was. I waited a couple days and called and he was very attentive but I was very cool and when he commented on my coolness I said that I had taken his silence to mean that perhaps he heard I was a child molester or something in a similar vein.
Everything seemed OK and I had a query with work that he was able to help me with and in return I was able to do him a favour but then the ignoring started again. Can’t make this person out and think perhaps he likes to have a number of female friends for ego gratification that he can contact when he feels like it.
Should he call again there will only be two questions for him “Do you regard me as some kind of social mercy shag?” “Are you some kind of misanthrope?” before he is hung up on forever.
Ladies don’t let anyone pick you up and put you down any old time they feel like whether it’s romantic, platonic or family – reciprocity has to be one of the most basic building blocks in any relationship.
Ok, so for the last three or four years this guy has been calling me and not leaving me a message sometimes I just ignore it or sometimes I call him back. I just told him a year ago that I have caller ID. What’s up with him? He told me that he wants a relationship? I met him on the tennis court and have known him ever since about 9 years on/off. I have dated others in the meantime. He still says he wants something but does not do anything. In the beginning when i first met him we were a little bit physical, now were friends but I still hold a torch for him in a way? I did 90 day no contact last year and he called like crazy but nothing changes when I go back to see him. Should I do the 90 day no contact again?
Webbie
Forget the 90 day no contact – make it permanent, he’s just toying with you and knows it works because no matter how small the morsel he tosses you he can get really good mileage out of it.
I’ve found that the best way to get over someone that you have romantic feelings for is to really hone in on their weaknesses and all the things you don’t like about them – keep a list if you have to.
Any time you find yourself day dreaming about a guy stop the positive thought train straight away and assasinate his character in your mind using your list.
Thank you NML!
I finally decided to finish with my EUM, as he is not going to change ever, all the same cr@p…WHAT the point to carry on? I texted him: “I dont want to see you only for half an hour, no point to meet up at all, good bye” and he got a “message” and left me alone, I hope he will never contacts me again!!!
Alika, block his number. It might seem harsh, but You’ll thank yourself. It saves you from having to wonder if he’ll try to contact you. You can just relax and get on with the healing, moving forward.
thanks for the reply snook:
Ok, so should I block my number? What do they hear on the other end? if they can no longer get through? the problem is most of my friends hang out where he is so it is kind of hard to stay away, but I know I can go other places
webbie
Not being harsh but why should you give a damn about what he hears – I hope the silence, beeps or whatever ring for him. It will be nice for him to feel it right in the solar plexus for a change, to feel to acid sting of rejection. You’ll be making a clean break with him and doing the honourable thing by having no contact.
If he hangs out where your friends do suggest some new places to go where he is unlikely to be. In the unhappy event that you do bump into him be very cool and reserved and don’t offer any olive branches or put out any friendly feelers at all. This will be hard to do at first especially if he knows how to turn on the charm, but remember he can turn it off just as quickly.
If you have a good straight up friend ask for her support at this time to remind you of all the shocking treatment you have received from this creep. This may help to fill you with piss and vinegar and maybe even a twinge of vengeful feelings to realise that he really is the enemy.
You deserve better and can do better – always remember that – you are fabulous and he isn’t.
I once read a quote by Cher and know you weren’t married to this guy (thank heavens!) but might sum up the anguish you’ve been experiencing:
Women get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.
Great comments Snook, want to print them up and put them on my door to ward off the vampires
Yah…piss and vinegar teee heee
Elizabeth, I keep reading what happened to you and cannot believe we for one second give these people any kind of credit, amazing story. Hope you are doing ok, and I truly hope you are laughing.
May we all remember how lovable we are, (and hold that thought!) what love truly is (hold that thought) and may we put the bakes on (with piss and vinegar
when anyone who offers us any less than love comes upon our path. As NML says kick them to the curb!
Strength.
yes snook it’s good to hear the truth. I could always frequent another place to play tennis, it’s just that I used to play with him in this activity, but why should I let him enjoy himself………………………….
I know your right thanks for the pushhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually I got on a dating site and got a tennis date in one day with a single available guy he left me his phone number I just have to follow through and call him to meet him !!!!!!!
Hi Everyone…I’m having a tough time this weekend. Had phone contact with the exEUM and now I’m hurting. There is never a way to win with these kind of men…I have to learn if I play with fire I will get burned. They do not operate like normal, caring people…and to expect that they do is delusional. I have to cut contact for good and that is hard to do…those crumbs he throws at me will never be good enough and I don’t want to be one of his harem…I was in the dark in the beginning, but now that I know more why would I still want him? What is wrong with me? Why do I still want him to want me? I have to work on my self esteem….any help appreciated.
Hi finally see the light,
Hang in there i know how you feel. I have been around mine for 10 years, and I know that I deserve better. Even though I have had other men in my life that were nice guys I choose to Sabotage those relationships. I am reading this book called he scared she’s scared and it talks about women who choose unavailable men and usually women those women are unavailable themselves. We already know that they will never return our love, but we are still expecting them too !! ITS CRAZY. uNTIL WE DECIDE THAT WE TRULY WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW UP FOR US WE WILL KEEP ATTRACTING THESE ASSCLOWNS ~ Can you be a support system for me? I am currently on two websites and I have had some men asked me out on dates I just have to follow through. Well, tomorrow will be 7 days no contact. Please keep me poster anytime you would like to write.
I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of weeks, and I can’t tell you how much peace it has given me. I have been driving myself crazy, obsessing about this guy. No one seems to understand how painful it is (except for the people on this blog!). We went out for six months and…
-He never called (only e-mailed)
-He saw me only on his terms (he didn’t accept one of my invitations)
-He didn’t introduce me to his friends or family
-After a Saturday night “date”, he would never spend a full Sunday with me (it was clear that by noon, it was time for me to leave)
-He didn’t seem to want to hang out during the day, only at night when we could have sex
-He was obsessed about his ex-wife, and he talked negatively about her
-The last time we went out to dinner, he stared at a woman and told me “I like beautiful women in tight pants.”
Writing it out makes it seem so obvious–this guy is seriously EU. I broke up with him, and we have e-mailed each other a few times. The last one was an angry e-mail from me after he refused to take responsibility for the situation.
The question is, why am I still focused on HIM, what HE thinks of me now. Thanks to all of you for your inspiration in helping me overcome my self-destructive behavior. I can’t live like this anymore.
wow.. never heard stuff like
“Suffer with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome – overdiscussing and overthinking the relationship so that we can mask inaction” and
“Love for the two of you”… its great!!!!
‘Why do I still want him to want me?’
Finallyseenthelight – I too struggle with this one. After deciding to end things with my EUM I managed to avoid him for a month, but desperately wanted him to at least try to contact me, just to show he still wanted me. When he did I couldn’t resist one last time with him telling myself that this would end things on a good note.
Of course now he’s panicking at losing his supply (even though he’s got another woman in tow) and is really turning on the charm, and though its clear what is going on, I know he’s not capable of being anything other than a EUM, I don’t really want things to stop. I have EU tendencies too.
Madness I know, ceasing all contact is the only way to break their spell. One day maybe I’ll manage. Good luck to all who have.
I am alway’s on the look out for the answer to our questions and rather than finding one, I find loads, most of them here
but I did read something a couple of days ago in a book I’m reading and in someways it helped with the situation of why..why not me..why is he so… you know all those questions.
So this is what I read, liked it and I hope it’s ok to share, it gave me some peace of mind, it really did
this is what the book told me.
As children we love stories, we want the same story over and over again and we ask ‘what happens next?, then what happened?, and how does it end?’. As children we feel safe in the story when we know the story and the ending. This helps children feel safe and secure in their world and environment…they grow up feeling safe. The big bad wolf was killed by the kind woodcutter and the grandma and red riding hood lived happily ever after. The big bad wolf came down the chimney of the three little pigs and was burnt alive and the three little pigs escaped and lived happily ever after and… of course we all know cinderalla. We are taught there are good endings where the good guys win and the bad guys don’t. In our situation we are left hanging, what happens next? do we live happily ever after? does the bad guy get burnt by the one who comes to rescue us, am I the cinderalla in this one? do I get to win in this one…dah!!! Our boundaries of story have been shot to pieces because this story we are living is a new story and we are lost, no one is telling us what the ending is! We are searching high and low for the ending to this horror story. But we aren’t children anymore, no one is going to tell us the ending. It’s time to take responsibility for our own endings. Maybe we each need to write our own ending out for ourselves, I mean god if we wait for these guys to do it for us you know it ain’t never gonna happen!! So my ending goes, “and she very quietly got up and saw him to the door said goodbye for the last time, she smiled and waved as she saw the back of him disappear down the street and closed the door and locked it tight. She was not sorry to see him go, he was a bad man and she was releived he was no longer making her suffer. She made herself a nice cup of tea, put the cat out and sat back with her laptop, logged into to Baggage reclaim to see how her like minded cyber sisters and brothers were doing with their endings and smiled to see some of them were doing fine, and she worried for some others and loved the new insights from NML. The end. Oh!! epilogue!!, there is always an epilogue. One day he called to see how she was doing, she felt the prick of tension again, and breathed in and out remembering the old feeling and the fear, she answered…. with all of her dignity in tact!… lovely to hear from you, I have a husband (ok she made it up or maybe not, this is a fairytale afterall, and hey when did he ever tell the truth!) and I’m very happy thank you, goodbye”, she put the reciever down and siged in relief saying, whew thank god I got rid of that one!. The end!!!
NML I hope you don’t mind me going off track a bit here and writing this, Apologies if I’ve broken any rules.
peace and light.
De
De, thank you for your tip. I am going to try that. Writing my own ending. I´ll try anything that might help me get this man out of my head.
De- This is exactly what I have difficulty with–creating a life–and ending, and also a beginning and middle–despite a deep feeling of loneliness without being able to share my life with someone. Perhaps I could turn that desire to nurture and love toward myself, my friends, my causes and my creative work. Wouldn’t that be amazing. I think I may try it
This is a great post. I’m happy to say that after breaking up with a guy I was seeing for a short time, but had grown quite attached to, I was able to reject his attempt to come back in my life as just “a friend for now” and lay out my expectations of what I wanted. I told him not to come back again until he’s sorted out the things that was keeping our relationship from growing. I never could have done that without NML’s posts and all of the great advice from others on this site.
Regarding phone contact: When I am contacted by an EUM, I’m no longer tempted to answer because I always wonder, why would you try to call me and be friends with me now, when you treated me like crap during the relationship and didn’t return calls when I wanted you to? You weren’t my friend then, so why now? It actually has nothing to do with me, it’s because they’re having a lonely desperate moment (gee, like the hundreds they caused when I was with them) That’s enough to stop me from picking up the phone.
I’ve also noticed a pattern, when you are unresponsive, they get desperate and start leaving cryptic messages, just to get you to call, or they hang up with no message. Instead of being intensely curious, like they want you to be, I started treating them like I would a friend who did that. I finally realized that if something were really important, the person would tell you what it was in the message, my real friends and family do. They give you a choice to call back, they don’t try to tempt you with sparse information. I thought it was a strange coincidence that my two EUMs (who were nothing alike and EUMs in totally different ways) called within days of each other with the same line about it being “urgent” and having important news for me and that I should call back. I instantly saw that it was just a ploy and that they were seeing if they could still get my attention. I totally ignored one and the next time the other one called I told him never to call me again and that we were never friends and wouldn’t be now. He was shocked and I hung up the phone with a huge smile on my face.
Hello All
Well after another weekend full of withheld number calls I am still going crazy and have resigned myself to the fact I now HAVE to go no contact!
I never went out Friday night and my ex EUM can’t of either as most of the day Saturday I got withheld calls the majority of them I left unanswered. This is to find out if I have another man at my house he must have been going mad when I did not answer them. Two friends of mine came to visit on Saturday and the calls started and we did have a bit of fun with it and it made me smile!! and Laugh. We left the phone on speaker and remained quite for a while and then one of my friends blew a rasberry ( a fart like noise) we all exploded into a fit of laughter and he put the phone down. I know I shouldn’t have anwered it and it was drama seeking but I wanted him to know that I find it funny and pathetic these calls now!
Saturday from tea time guess what no calls he was out with his friends and probably stopped off late on to have a (ego stroke / shag) with the other woman who obviously puts up with his shit more than I do. I do not want to be a Friday or Saturday night shag now or to be seen on his terms during the week. In a way I am glad I am not that woman who is putting up with the crumbs he is giving. Maybe she is quite willing to accept that I was not. I want a healthy relationship with a man who wants to be with me spend time with me and who I can call and get hold of!!!! Not to check up on him but to ask him if he wants to do something on an evening other than come around late on for a shag!
Sorry for the rant!
I also went out last night and saw the other woman again and I have to say I really can not see what he see’s in her compared to me. I am in way jelous as she is a complete opposite older, shorter, fatter, blonde, unfashionable. But her with these guys any hols a goal so she must be easier to maniplulate and believes his lies!!! I feel sorry for her and hope she wakes up sooner rather than later! It took me a year and a half of on again off again. Going to back and then realising nothing had changed.
I want to open myself up to healthy relationships with normal men!!!
God is there any out there??? lol
The cat
A few mistakes in that comment.
I am not jelous of her and like I say with these guys all the time any holes a goal. (if you get the metaphore) hahaha.
The Cat
thats the spirit cat..good stuff laughing at him!, proud of you, keep your friends around they are on your side!!
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