Its such a shock to the system, when you go from being two people in a third entity which is that relationship to going back to being one person.

That is very hard to deal with and you need a strong group of friends and family to support you through this.

This is also your weakest point where you begin to doubt yourself. Did you really do the right thing? You totally FORGET all the bad things that made you want to break up with him in the first place.

You start listening to your head and not following your heart. You let your emotions run wild and look for temporary relief rather than long term benefit.

You think things will work out just fine. You know I would say … hell have that rebound and get back with him.

It won’t take that long to realise that things are really not the same. That u can have him back … and now you really DON”T want him.

It took be one rebound day to realize that and when I finally made the decision to make that CLEAN break, i have not felt more free, more liberated and more trusting in myself.

Hot Alpha Female
Your Go To Girl For Dating Advice
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Latest Post: The “He’s Just Not That Into” Rules. Do They Really Apply?

What I need to learn is how to stop going out with what is essentially the same bloke in different bodies Do they “spirit hop”? ^-^

This type of man is horrible and so disruptive and ultimately destructive. It’s the first time I’ve discovered anything about this kind of pattern and where it emanates from – me- and I’m determined to halt it and turn things around. I will never get with the past ones ever again, believe me; but I don’t want to get with the future ones either.

Best Regards, Leonine.

Seth Godin is a marketing type. Many of his observations and insights apply to other areas of life, perhaps better than to marketing. One such insight is about being “trainable”. I didn’t see Seth’s original article, but look at this one, describing what “not trainable” means to a sales force. Then consider what the impact is in a relationship.
http://www.omghub.com/salesdevelopmentblog/tabid/5809/bid/277/The-Meaning-of-Not-Trainable.aspx

The basic problem with a a relationship that brings someone to Baggage Reclaim, is usually that a woman is insecure, or inexperienced and lacks good support. She chooses to spend time with a man that lacks certain qualities needed for a family – an interest in being a mate and co-parent, not just a perpetual dater. What I call a perpetual dater is someone that doesn’t understand that the reason for getting together with someone is to build a shared life, not just the casual social recreation that beer and fashion ads purvey. A perpetual dater has no interest in a relationship that builds a home that nurtures everyone. A perpetual dater is satisfied with continued social recreation.

Recognizing that you are being a problem in the relationship is part of what is going on. Another part is – she picked someone that hasn’t been working toward a shared, mated life. And she is still with you. This says that she hasn’t yet chosen to be with someone ready to build a life based on respect, honor, honesty, discipline (the will to complete a task), compassion, and trust.

I consider a home to be the smallest cultural unit. The values, the expectations of “right” actions, the traditions and policies are unique, and define how the home interacts with the larger family structure, with the community, and in society. Selecting a partner with compatible values, with existing healthy bonds to their own families and friends, is a great start. Because otherwise you have to question everything. In the home what counts are the agreed priorities, the agreed values, the agreed traditions and agreed expectations.

As we grow we find that certain activities aren’t good for us, make our perceptions, values, how we speak harmful or hurtful to those we respect and cherish. We have to be alert an avoid such issues. Sometimes that means giving up an activity – or an association with some person or persons. If you want to respect your partner, you cannot spend time with people that don’t act respectfully to others. It isn’t so much that we are known by the company we keep, as that we are often defined by who we spend time with.

As you struggle, consider whether your intent is to be a mate to your partner, or to have less strife in your social recreation. If the lady in your life wants the security and comfort of a home, if you want a partner to respect and that trusts and respects you for what you do (words get forgotten, and are never as loud as simple actions), then you should be able to work out a way to get from here to there.

Perhaps the biggest challenge you face is that change is chaotic. You are talking about both of you changing in fundamental ways, of changes in your relationship, in how you view yourselves as people and as partners. No one can predict what change will accomplish. It is probably more likely that one or both of you will find that living a respectful and honorable life means you need a different partner. As you face the days and months ahead, you will have to consider, time after time, about what you are willing to accept and what is unhealthy for you. She will be making those same kinds of decisions. I expect counseling can be a big help, if you can find someone sympathetic and hopeful to help you understand those choices as they arise. Be aware that some counselors can be already set to see someone as the victim and the other as the problem. I see the larger issue, is that you each chose to be with an partner ill-suited to function well in a shared, mated life.

The comfort and familiarity of knowing each other can be a big factor in learning to build a home based on respect, honesty, compassion, and honor. I would guess that you are each lacking in good role models of how to build a “happy home” and be good for each other. Various communities, including some (not all!) churches can be good resources, places to find friends, advice, and examples of people living a fruitful and reasonably happy shared life. I don’t think that you can bring this all about by yourselves. You can read books and web pages, but which will apply to you and to your lady is impossible to say – most will only vaguely apply in a few places.

You cannot be the man that a good woman needs without male friends. You have to have good emotional bonds to your best friends – that is, you can converse on personal and meaningful matters, trust each other for honest answers, and usually it means that no alcohol (or only rarely) is involved in the friendship. She has to have good friends. And if you want to live a coupled life – I figure most of your friends should be well-coupled, not single or especially not “players” or living from sex adventure to sex adventure.

I wish you well, Karl. Blessed be.

Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home

I think that just being aware of your inclinations and your (gasp) feelings and communicating them can help tremendously. If you feel like pulling away, or being abusive, notice it, and let your girlfriend know. Also, let her know you love her and the relationship is important.

It could mean that you have to let each other go, at least for a while, until you both feel ready and ABLE to be in with both feet – and the rest of your bodies/hearts.

If you only recognized how painful your actions are. I can honestly say that the relationship with my ex (push/pull, indecision, selfishness, excuses, lies and overall nonsense) was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. Very destructive!

The reason the girlfriend is returning is due to low self-esteem, otherwise why would she continue to return to the same situation.

If you really loved your girlfriend and yourself you would seek professional help “to change this lifetime of bad habits.” It’s up to you, no more excuses.

Love means different things to different people and in different relationships. What a mother feels for a child, or an infant for a parent or sibling, is not what cousins feel for each other (keep it clean!). When we went on our first date, we likely couldn’t tell “love” from the rest of the jitters and fears and hopes and curiousity ..

For a partner in a long term relationship, love should be a combination of social skills (ABC’s, etc.), feelings, respect, compassion, etc.

If you take a perpetual dater, someone with no clue to anything other than an endless series of sexual encounters, it is no wonder that sex pretty much is the complete and entire definition of what they think a relationship is. They may see compassion and respect around them, but it doesn’t “click” that they shoudl be involved in that kind of interaction.

If you think of a “relationship” as being an emotional and sexual social enterprise – then figure out that one partner is Emotionally Unavailable, that pretty much leaves sex to describe his relationship.

It isn’t you, or anything you have done. He literally doesn’t know how to involve anything but sex in the relationship. You just happened to pick him for fun, or for his “potential”, or because his social role seemed familiar. And you didn’t pick up on how he wasn’t interested in a shared home, or an emotionally rich relationship.

Besides, any guy that texts more than he talks with you face to face – is keeping you away from him because he just *doesn’t* need closeness. Just the sex.

Brad K.’s last blog post..Kwai Chang Cain couldn’t have said it better

It feels like we were dating the same man! I had NC for almost ten days and was feeling “normal” again…but few days ago my EUM contacted me and instead of saying “NO” or ignore him, I answered his text! What is wrong with me??? He started with sexy texts and I texted him back saying: Dont treat me like a Call Girl, please have some respect”…and I was surprised that he actually said “Sorry”, he thought I was enjoying his sex-natured messages…Third day now, only decent messages, no more mentioning sex….I wonder how long it will last?

It was like the whole time I was with my EUM he was indifferent. It didn’t matter if I texted, emailed or called he usually could have cared less, and then he chose whether or not to respond. And most times he did respond but was evasive, vague or making sure I wouldn’t take things the wrong way type situation.

Once I became indifferent to him, didn’t return text messages, phone calls or emails. Or responded to him with a single word, he seemed to pick up pace and start blowing luke warm but eventually I stopped texting altogether, then stopped emailing and never called and he would drop an email and I just responded with one or two words. But only if he asked a question. If he just made a comment like “have a good weekend” I never responded. He then began to inquire if I was getting his emails or not – so I responded “yes”.

I hope the best for you, and that you can just keep ignoring him and staying NC like I did. It saved my life and my sanity!