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I was also in an LDR with my EUM. We started off being in the same city for a month, but then his job sent him to the west coast. I had no idea how to be successful in LDRs so I started looking on other websites. They talked about communicating often and setting up a visiting plan. I tried to talk about this with my EUM but he didn’t seem interested. I had so many talks with him about how important communication is and why he needs to make an effort to initiate communication. He would try but it seemed like it was a struggle for him to do this. It made me wonder why this was a struggle for him.

The last time I physically saw him was in March of this year for 3 days. When I asked him when the next time we could see each other, he said he didn’t know because of his schedule. He puts his job, his parents, friends and getting his pilots license before me. I am a low priority it seems. So 11 days ago, I broke up with him. I haven’t spoken to him sense. I’m just tired of feeling like i’m in a relationship by myself. When I told him that my needs were not being met and that I was breaking up, he said that I had an escape plan and that I probably have someone else that’s why I’m breaking up with him.

I am astonished that he doesn’t see how horrible of a boyfriend he has been to me. He apologized for not fulfilling my needs, but I haven’t heard from him since.

LDRs can be hard, but they shouldn’t be this hard. I can totally relate to your situation.

Unfortunately, you are right about the small percentage of people who seek help. I can see it in my family with my dad (possible sex addict, definitely unavailable emotionally, not just to mom but me and my sister as well) and my uncle (alcoholic, workaholic, possible sex addict).

Neither one of them are ever going to realize their issues, let alone take corrective steps, so at the very least I feel glad I’ve been able to do that. Not that I don’t wish sometimes I could take the red pill and go back into my stupor. This shit is hard work, and it’s most definitely not fun. But in the end, it’s the only choice I have.

Blaise — THANKS!!! Frankly, this site is awesome. Even as the type of man who many of the women here are trying to avoid — for now, I hope — it provides a ton of insight into my own behaviors and attitudes. And I am looking for any tool I can possibly find right now.

You are AWESOME.

You are right.

@ Dan,

Sorry I sounded negative. Sometimes we wish all problems were going away, and I forget to celebrate when someone finds a better way.

Thanks.
Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence

Remember that Dan is in the minority of those involved in the EUM cycle – he noticed the pattern, wanted out, and looked for help. Just like the small minority of ladies that notice the cycle, want a way out, and accept assistance. Like everyone else here.

Like Dan, the group of ladies that visit Baggage Reclaim and find help is a very small proportion of all women afflicted with repeated EUM relationships.
Brad K.´s last blog ..tslr: Survival Prep, and choosing a spouse

They say your emotional condition is equivalent to the age in which you began your addictions, which puts me somewhere around 11-13 (I am about to turn 36).

I grew up with an emotionally inconsistent father, and a codependent mother, and Dad’s stash of Playboys/Penthouses were a very welcome relief from whatever nurturing I wasn’t getting. (For young children, without access to drugs and alcohol, food and/or masturbation are the most effective coping mechanisms available.)

Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time; checking out nudie mags was just exciting. Now, I can only lament the damage it’s caused on my psyche as the usage and extremity of the material gradually escalated over the years.

Even though I’ve been an avid consumer of an inherently mysoginistic product, I’ve always envisioned myself as Mr. Nice Guy — affectionate, respectful, attentive, gracious, kind, thoughtful.

But while I do think those qualities are still fundamental portions of my inner being, I now realize that my attitudes and actions did not match in the slightest. I was using them as means of seduction, and distancing, rather than honest intimate interaction.

Then, time after time, for reasons that I had no idea were even happening, I would either send my partner packing with some lame excuse or convince myself that the relationship was doomed to implode and take off running. Rinse, repeat.

It’s a terrible cycle to be in — the thing that I want the most, a healthy intimate relationship, is also the thing I fear most, because I never developed the trust that somebody would trust and care for me.

Not only that, but I’ve lied so effectively about it that I’ve managed to convince myself that, unlike the other five or six billion people on the planet, I don’t need things like love, companionship and support.

I didn’t post this for sympathy. I just wanted to share that, as much as it sucks for you ladies to be involved with Mr. Unavailables, it sucks just as much for us, if not more. Especially once we’ve taken an honest look at our past, like I have, and realized the opportunities that have been squandered.

In closing, I’d like to offer a suggestion to anyone with even a slight curiosity about counseling — DO IT. IMMEDIATELY. WITHOUT HESITATION. This is something I should have done six or seven years ago, if not sooner. I’ve already learned more about myself in the last two months than I have in the previous 20 years.

It’s going to cost me the equivalent of a really nice car by the time I’m done. But in the end, what’s more important than your mental health?

You said you start back to college Monday – it isn’t a really big thing, but do expect a bit of depression. This happens any time you take a new job, buy a new house or car. Just be aware it happens to everyone, and don’t be quick to drop a class or drop out of school. Anyone can go back; and very few people find it easy to start. After the first couple of semesters you will know the school better, know the routines and expectations, have a better appreciation of how to use all the unsuspected resources of the library and the student union and the bookstore. Wait a long time before second guessing the choice to go back to school. You can do more and better than you imagine you can!

At the same time, take very good care to live an exciting, healthy life. You won’t learn if you don’t sleep. Start now with setting an early evening routine, go non-electronic at least an hour before sleep time. Figure out an appropriate breakfast, and set a regular time to get up each morning. Allow a bit of extra time to park one parking lot further out at school, and walk that bit farther to and from class. Plan on being at the classroom 15 minutes early, every time. Read at least a chapter ahead of the instructor’s assignments, and take lots of notes. The power of taking notes in class is organizing and capturing the details and points of the presentation, the act of writing helps imprint the information onto your short term memory. Even if you never review your notes for a test, taking the notes in the first place makes a big difference.

Showing up for each class session, even when told there is nothing special about a particular class, is an act of respect for the instructor and for the material – and for your discipline and dedication to master what is set before you.

If reading something doesn’t make sense – say, for instance, you can’t stay awake, your thoughts keep drifting, or you find the buzz from the fluorescent light from the bathroom in the basement of the house across the street to be terminally distracting – read the chapter a second or third time – then copy the whole thing out onto note paper (pencil). I usually find by the second page I am focusing on the material again – after I notice that when I keep writing after my fingers start hurting, some parts hurt more and other parts get numb.

The university I graduated had a student group for “re-entry” students. Get in touch with them, if one is available. Tips on getting to know the campus and routines, examples of how others balance priorities, and being able to rub elbows with people trying to return to student life can make this event in your life completely different.

Another resource was access to the track where PT was held – where we could walk in relative safety when the track wasn’t used for classes.

Even though it complicates your get-out plan, please consider the sleep, good nutrition, and planning you should do to be the best student you can be. Nothing you learn is ever wasted – even if it isn’t covered on a test.

Luck!
Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Throw the bum out, and his kids

There’s still way too much emphasis on what “he” did. Perhaps this is a stage I have gotten to, however there’s an underlying reason why these men get to pull their crap and get away with it: us.

Pinning the blame on them is the very essence of what this thread is about: emotional laziness and an unwillingness to look at the things WE do or don’t do, the changes we have to make, the issues we have to face and accept.

This includes our own emotional unavailability, and it is not just men who are narcissists either (statistically it’s about 75% men by all accounts but I have encountered female Narcs and the red flags are just as clear).

I think your post made me say this Aega, indeed “mirror mirror on the wall” as I know for sure I have been emotionally unavailable and I don’t like it. The thing is, when we are screwed up in some ways then mirror is what we get when we get these idiots acting like … well, like idiots.

However – Prince Charming doesn’t exist. An aspiration of crowds of smart good looking guys – in my opinion, which is no expert opinion – is missing the point because it’s a fishing pool for more EUM/EUW spiral dancing. The work needed is by us, for us and can only be DONE by us but the first step of real recovery and a better life is accepting that WE have a problem – it just isn’t him or any other man.

Their behaviour is all about them: our behaviour is all about us and them because it’s so much easier to displace than to face. Analysing ourselves (without over analysing, there is a difference) and forcing yourself to see what is real instead of what you ‘d like to see is unpleasant but ultimately rewarding.

Much is said about EUM/AC behaviour and there is much sisterhood and support but there needs to be responsibility and accountability too because you owe it to the most important person in your life.

Do you have the balls to do something about it, even if you don’t like what you need to see?