Comments on: Getting Out of Stuck: What are you doing to help bring love into your life? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: T http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-256989 T Sat, 10 Apr 2010 17:32:25 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-256989 While I don't have the answers to the above questions, I will say this: Men only have the power if we give our own power away. I think sometimes it feels like men have the power, but in reality, both men and women (of any age) have equal decision-making power when it comes to choosing someone with whom to have a relationship. Just because the person you choose does not choose you back (or vice versa), does not mean that you did not have the power to make the choice. My question would be Why do so many women in their 30s (or beyond) decide that they no longer get to choose what is good for them, and that they must now wait to be chosen? While I don’t have the answers to the above questions, I will say this: Men only have the power if we give our own power away. I think sometimes it feels like men have the power, but in reality, both men and women (of any age) have equal decision-making power when it comes to choosing someone with whom to have a relationship. Just because the person you choose does not choose you back (or vice versa), does not mean that you did not have the power to make the choice. My question would be Why do so many women in their 30s (or beyond) decide that they no longer get to choose what is good for them, and that they must now wait to be chosen?

]]> By: Vanna http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252603 Vanna Thu, 18 Feb 2010 05:29:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252603 Well, the unavailable women I've been attracting have too many problems (not including their kids, the ones that have any) for me to be putting any energy in to. they range fomr problems with their boyfriends to just because they do illicit drugs which I used to do myself. Hahaha! Man, I just can't be messing with women on that level! Good thing is I've already set my boundary for not messing with women who do, do illlicit drugs. Well, the unavailable women I’ve been attracting have too many problems (not including their kids, the ones that have any) for me to be putting any energy in to. they range fomr problems with their boyfriends to just because they do illicit drugs which I used to do myself. Hahaha! Man, I just can’t be messing with women on that level! Good thing is I’ve already set my boundary for not messing with women who do, do illlicit drugs.

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252585 MaryC Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:09:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252585 NML...thanks for your words of encouragement. NML…thanks for your words of encouragement.

]]> By: LolaD http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252579 LolaD Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:54:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252579 Hi all, I am fairly new to this wonderful site, but it has been so helpful to me. I was wondering (and NML may already have a post for this that I have not seen) but how do you learn to forgive yourself for being so enmeshed in a bad relationship with a Mr. Unavailable (maybe AC)? I feel like I have been humiliated, but I let myself be humiliated, over and over again. It doesn't help that I was with a guy who tended to take no responsibility and put it all on me, but I feel like I cannot seem to let go of guilt for things I did or for letting things get so bad, for not having boundaries and for not respecting them. That seems to be where I am stuck. I know I can only learn and move on, but saying that and actually doing that seem to be very difficult for me to do. I know a lot of this means I need to have more self-love and self-respect, and I'm working on that. I just feel like I've been working on it all for awhile (break up was in June '09 but no contact has never really happened [oops, I know that has something to do with it...:)]). Anyone have any thoughts? Hi all,

I am fairly new to this wonderful site, but it has been so helpful to me. I was wondering (and NML may already have a post for this that I have not seen) but how do you learn to forgive yourself for being so enmeshed in a bad relationship with a Mr. Unavailable (maybe AC)? I feel like I have been humiliated, but I let myself be humiliated, over and over again. It doesn’t help that I was with a guy who tended to take no responsibility and put it all on me, but I feel like I cannot seem to let go of guilt for things I did or for letting things get so bad, for not having boundaries and for not respecting them. That seems to be where I am stuck. I know I can only learn and move on, but saying that and actually doing that seem to be very difficult for me to do.

I know a lot of this means I need to have more self-love and self-respect, and I’m working on that. I just feel like I’ve been working on it all for awhile (break up was in June ’09 but no contact has never really happened [oops, I know that has something to do with it...:)]). Anyone have any thoughts?

]]> By: Anusha http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252578 Anusha Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:46:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252578 NML-Thanks for your coment and you are right I had very litle boundaries with my ex.I basicaly let him get away with every kind of bad behaviour.I would complain yes but never would actualy do anything about it.I also think I fall for every guy that shows interest on me without seeing if he is suitable first,what is another problem that I need to work on.I just want to have a good relationship.I have been searching for one since I was 15 or so and that realy never happened.From my 12 years old to my almost 18 I had a series of "falling for guys that werent interested on me" and from my 18 until I was 25/26 it came my EUM.Wich was a horrible relationship where I was unhappy most of the time.So I never had a good relationship so far.I keep looking at others that have found it and keep thinking to myself "Why I cant have that?".I would like so much to at least once fell truely loved by a guy.Anyway I guess is like you said,to have diferent I need to be diferent first.I will work on that. NML-Thanks for your coment and you are right I had very litle boundaries with my ex.I basicaly let him get away with every kind of bad behaviour.I would complain yes but never would actualy do anything about it.I also think I fall for every guy that shows interest on me without seeing if he is suitable first,what is another problem that I need to work on.I just want to have a good relationship.I have been searching for one since I was 15 or so and that realy never happened.From my 12 years old to my almost 18 I had a series of “falling for guys that werent interested on me” and from my 18 until I was 25/26 it came my EUM.Wich was a horrible relationship where I was unhappy most of the time.So I never had a good relationship so far.I keep looking at others that have found it and keep thinking to myself “Why I cant have that?”.I would like so much to at least once fell truely loved by a guy.Anyway I guess is like you said,to have diferent I need to be diferent first.I will work on that.

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252575 NML Wed, 17 Feb 2010 19:30:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252575 @Cheekie It's great to hear that you're happy, both within and with someone else. I know exactly what you mean because I felt much the same way when I met the boyf No lofty pedestals, crazy expectations, or fear of 'conflict'. I'm a firm believer that sometimes we have to say and hear stuff that doesn't suit us - that's life. If we want honesty, we must behave that way. I don't like living on a knifes edge where I'm scared of speaking my mind. Hugs x @Troya Good to hear from you. I'm glad you found it useful as I know it must have been difficult to hear but I hated the thought of you opening yourself up to even more pain by not knowing. I'm glad you realise that he's not very nice...because he isn't. Sod the books! Hugs x @Anusha I ask you to continue to be patient. It doesn't take a long time, but it does take some time to get comfortable with our new boundaries because they invite disapproval from those who are comfortable with the old you that let them get away with stuff ;-) Well done x @Vanna You attract unavailable women because they know you're not available so you fulfil their self-fulfilling prophecy. It's great to see that you have enough self-awareness to know that you should spare someone from being involved with you if they are likely to expect more than you can give. Stay cool :-) @Aurora You're too funny. Loved this comment! It was written for many people but I did hope you would be 'inspired'. "I think my expectations are realistic – based on every romance novel I’ve ever read, and lifetime tv movie I see (rolls eyes and laughs)" I actually howled with laughter. A-fricking-men! I wish more would be honest like you! Be patient with yourself. By that I mean, OK, so it's 25% and it's not what you thought it would be, but it's a start and at least you know now that you mustn't delude yourself. At least if you're real, you'll expect in line with it. Maybe do 50% next month and build up. There is no fire! If you feel there is a fire, then crank up the energy meter and bust out of your comfort zone. Hugs x @MaryC You have a right to be angry - own how you feel. It's a natural part of the grieving process. You're contending with several things at once and lord knows, your guy really pulled some slippery moves. Writing is very therapeutic - sit down and write an unsent letter and imagine writing to him and saying what you're angry about and why, own up to your own contribution, and also say what you're wiser about now but get all the feelings out so you can get some perspective. I suspect the reason why you are angry is that in spite of the fact that he has done wrong, he's prancing around in a new relationship, sliding into a new life whilst you're left to pick up the pieces. He may not get his now, but he will in time. Work through your anger and shed your tears and start to move on, even in baby steps. Hugs x @Monica Thank you. That whole 'good as it gets thing' is a classic type of belief held by many women. The trouble is you'll write yourself off and settle for bad behaviour because you believe you can't do better, until you realise that if this is as good as it gets, you'll wither away in emotional pain. @RES When readers approach me for coaching through their relationship problems, I always ask about the beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships. It's incredibly revealing as you've discovered - mindset is behaviour and all of these things sabotage our efforts. I'm so, so, so pleased with everything that you have done - you have worked HARD. I know from the email you sent me that you have put in some serious time and you are reaping the rewards - not just in being engaged, which is great, but also being personally happy and honest and at peace with yourself. Ladies, take heed - it takes work. Res - can I share your email with readers? xx @Anusha Trust is about having faith in what you will and won't do and the same in others. If you don't have faith, you don't trust yourself, which means you are setting yourself up to slide down a slippery slope. "How can I know that I will find something better?" Better than what? Take the last man you were with - I'm not saying that you should spend your dating life comparing to your ex, but seriously, are you saying that you cannot do better than a man who is unavailable and who acts without love, care, trust, and respect? Do *you* believe that you can give these things to yourself? If you do, you'll believe that they'll be reciprocated and you won't make getting a man your vocation. Anusha, I had a lot more than five failed love interests. I'll spare you my counting them! Life doesn't work on 'date 5 crap guys and then get rewarded with a good 1). Not every relationship is supposed to be the one. There are some women who have three, four, five, or more times what you had - should they consign themselves to the scrap heap? The way to trust it will be different is to *be* different to what you were in those relationships. I know from reading your many posts, you had little or no boundaries - I'm assuming you won't be doing that going forward? @Lindsay I understand your frustrations and they are very real. What I will say is that when you are authentic, with healthy attitudes about relationships and seeking more substance in partners combined with creating your own life with meaning where you are getting out there, the odds are increasingly in your favour. The cutting your losses earlier gives you confidence and fine tunes your bullsh*tometer ;-) @Kay I'm soooo impressed with you because I know what a major leap it is for you to be doing some of these things! Peeps, take note! Get out of your comfort zones - it's freeing and opens you up to new opportunities. Actually, you are right about the element of luck but it's more about taking a leap of faith which is a gamble in itself. It's choosing, safe in the knowledge of your boundaries, gut, instinct etc that new relationships require a leap of faith - there are no guarantees. Hugs xx @Tara I was reading your blog the other day - great read. It will help you make sense of your relationship pattern. That's why blogging/writing can be so therapeutic. Keep pushing. The common denominator thing is unavoidable and yet freeing because at least you can take control of the situation and address your own contribution. x @Stacey the ever grateful Yes, please don't be stuck in the faking phase! Be real - let out your good and bad feelings. Faking it till you feel it only works if you catch up to the happiness. But happy outside, miserable inside is a bad combo - acting happier than you feel. Roll on phase 2! Good luck! xx @RES Very inspiring again! Thank you! @Rosie I think that what you're talking about definitely happens although I suspect you're also speaking from personal experience. I've received thousands of emails and comments in the years I've been writing this blog from women and that chain of events is one rarely complained about. There are some aspects of your comment I find confusing - These women you refer to aren't asked out on dates but the rest of your comment suggests something different which reverts to something that sounds like they're not asked out by the type of men that they think they should be asked out by and the type of men that they like when they meet them online (dating websites are chock full of deceptive people) turn out to con men, which suggests that they don't know all of the red flags. I think in certain areas, men do think they have too much power, and in many other instances, we give them too much. @Katty - Get unstuck - you can do it! xxx @Cheekie It’s great to hear that you’re happy, both within and with someone else. I know exactly what you mean because I felt much the same way when I met the boyf No lofty pedestals, crazy expectations, or fear of ‘conflict’. I’m a firm believer that sometimes we have to say and hear stuff that doesn’t suit us – that’s life. If we want honesty, we must behave that way. I don’t like living on a knifes edge where I’m scared of speaking my mind. Hugs x
@Troya Good to hear from you. I’m glad you found it useful as I know it must have been difficult to hear but I hated the thought of you opening yourself up to even more pain by not knowing. I’m glad you realise that he’s not very nice…because he isn’t. Sod the books! Hugs x
@Anusha I ask you to continue to be patient. It doesn’t take a long time, but it does take some time to get comfortable with our new boundaries because they invite disapproval from those who are comfortable with the old you that let them get away with stuff ;-) Well done x
@Vanna You attract unavailable women because they know you’re not available so you fulfil their self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s great to see that you have enough self-awareness to know that you should spare someone from being involved with you if they are likely to expect more than you can give. Stay cool :-)
@Aurora You’re too funny. Loved this comment! It was written for many people but I did hope you would be ‘inspired’.
“I think my expectations are realistic – based on every romance novel I’ve ever read, and lifetime tv movie I see (rolls eyes and laughs)” I actually howled with laughter. A-fricking-men! I wish more would be honest like you!
Be patient with yourself. By that I mean, OK, so it’s 25% and it’s not what you thought it would be, but it’s a start and at least you know now that you mustn’t delude yourself. At least if you’re real, you’ll expect in line with it. Maybe do 50% next month and build up. There is no fire! If you feel there is a fire, then crank up the energy meter and bust out of your comfort zone. Hugs x
@MaryC You have a right to be angry – own how you feel. It’s a natural part of the grieving process. You’re contending with several things at once and lord knows, your guy really pulled some slippery moves. Writing is very therapeutic – sit down and write an unsent letter and imagine writing to him and saying what you’re angry about and why, own up to your own contribution, and also say what you’re wiser about now but get all the feelings out so you can get some perspective. I suspect the reason why you are angry is that in spite of the fact that he has done wrong, he’s prancing around in a new relationship, sliding into a new life whilst you’re left to pick up the pieces. He may not get his now, but he will in time. Work through your anger and shed your tears and start to move on, even in baby steps. Hugs x
@Monica Thank you. That whole ‘good as it gets thing’ is a classic type of belief held by many women. The trouble is you’ll write yourself off and settle for bad behaviour because you believe you can’t do better, until you realise that if this is as good as it gets, you’ll wither away in emotional pain.
@RES When readers approach me for coaching through their relationship problems, I always ask about the beliefs about themselves, love, and relationships. It’s incredibly revealing as you’ve discovered – mindset is behaviour and all of these things sabotage our efforts. I’m so, so, so pleased with everything that you have done – you have worked HARD. I know from the email you sent me that you have put in some serious time and you are reaping the rewards – not just in being engaged, which is great, but also being personally happy and honest and at peace with yourself. Ladies, take heed – it takes work. Res – can I share your email with readers? xx
@Anusha Trust is about having faith in what you will and won’t do and the same in others. If you don’t have faith, you don’t trust yourself, which means you are setting yourself up to slide down a slippery slope. “How can I know that I will find something better?” Better than what? Take the last man you were with – I’m not saying that you should spend your dating life comparing to your ex, but seriously, are you saying that you cannot do better than a man who is unavailable and who acts without love, care, trust, and respect? Do *you* believe that you can give these things to yourself? If you do, you’ll believe that they’ll be reciprocated and you won’t make getting a man your vocation. Anusha, I had a lot more than five failed love interests. I’ll spare you my counting them! Life doesn’t work on ‘date 5 crap guys and then get rewarded with a good 1). Not every relationship is supposed to be the one. There are some women who have three, four, five, or more times what you had – should they consign themselves to the scrap heap? The way to trust it will be different is to *be* different to what you were in those relationships. I know from reading your many posts, you had little or no boundaries – I’m assuming you won’t be doing that going forward?
@Lindsay I understand your frustrations and they are very real. What I will say is that when you are authentic, with healthy attitudes about relationships and seeking more substance in partners combined with creating your own life with meaning where you are getting out there, the odds are increasingly in your favour. The cutting your losses earlier gives you confidence and fine tunes your bullsh*tometer ;-)
@Kay I’m soooo impressed with you because I know what a major leap it is for you to be doing some of these things! Peeps, take note! Get out of your comfort zones – it’s freeing and opens you up to new opportunities.
Actually, you are right about the element of luck but it’s more about taking a leap of faith which is a gamble in itself. It’s choosing, safe in the knowledge of your boundaries, gut, instinct etc that new relationships require a leap of faith – there are no guarantees. Hugs xx
@Tara I was reading your blog the other day – great read. It will help you make sense of your relationship pattern. That’s why blogging/writing can be so therapeutic. Keep pushing. The common denominator thing is unavoidable and yet freeing because at least you can take control of the situation and address your own contribution. x
@Stacey the ever grateful Yes, please don’t be stuck in the faking phase! Be real – let out your good and bad feelings. Faking it till you feel it only works if you catch up to the happiness. But happy outside, miserable inside is a bad combo – acting happier than you feel. Roll on phase 2! Good luck! xx
@RES Very inspiring again! Thank you!
@Rosie I think that what you’re talking about definitely happens although I suspect you’re also speaking from personal experience. I’ve received thousands of emails and comments in the years I’ve been writing this blog from women and that chain of events is one rarely complained about. There are some aspects of your comment I find confusing – These women you refer to aren’t asked out on dates but the rest of your comment suggests something different which reverts to something that sounds like they’re not asked out by the type of men that they think they should be asked out by and the type of men that they like when they meet them online (dating websites are chock full of deceptive people) turn out to con men, which suggests that they don’t know all of the red flags. I think in certain areas, men do think they have too much power, and in many other instances, we give them too much.
@Katty – Get unstuck – you can do it! xxx

]]> By: katty http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252571 katty Wed, 17 Feb 2010 17:00:30 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252571 I spent only a few months dating the AC, yet, the time to recover from such a frustrating, damaging experience is taking almost a year and still going. I need to take this post into my heart for real and get Unstuck!! Thank you NML for these tools! I spent only a few months dating the AC, yet, the time to recover from such a frustrating, damaging experience is taking almost a year and still going. I need to take this post into my heart for real and get Unstuck!! Thank you NML for these tools!

]]> By: Anusha http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252566 Anusha Wed, 17 Feb 2010 11:08:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252566 RES-Your story is a inspiration to us.Can you tell me what exactaly you did to work on yourself and develop your self esteem? I could realy use that.Thanks and congratulations for had changed your patterns :) RES-Your story is a inspiration to us.Can you tell me what exactaly you did to work on yourself and develop your self esteem? I could realy use that.Thanks and congratulations for had changed your patterns :)

]]> By: RES http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252554 RES Wed, 17 Feb 2010 02:57:38 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252554 Mary, Remember that there is no "set time" to grieve a relationship. You are coming to terms with pain, disappointment, and it HURTS. It is supposed to hurt. But the hurt doesn't kill you, and this is where NC is absolutely crucial! You will never gain any type of perspective on what it is that you really want (not to mention those issues that are driving your unhealthy relationship patterns) if you are still dealing with someone who has had the power to derail you from achieving the things I just mentioned. It's like taking one step forward then two steps back. It is NC that enables one to "step back" from an emotionally charged situation to look at things more realistically (and with a bit more detachment). It's a frightening situation, I sooooo know. Give it time and patience. The fact that you've been able to maintain NC is an indicator that you are beginning to put your own happiness FIRST. No one said that it wasn't going to hurt....but pain DOESN'T DESTROY YOU (trust yourself)!! :-) Mary,
Remember that there is no “set time” to grieve a relationship. You are coming to terms with pain, disappointment, and it HURTS. It is supposed to hurt. But the hurt doesn’t kill you, and this is where NC is absolutely crucial! You will never gain any type of perspective on what it is that you really want (not to mention those issues that are driving your unhealthy relationship patterns) if you are still dealing with someone who has had the power to derail you from achieving the things I just mentioned. It’s like taking one step forward then two steps back. It is NC that enables one to “step back” from an emotionally charged situation to look at things more realistically (and with a bit more detachment). It’s a frightening situation, I sooooo know. Give it time and patience. The fact that you’ve been able to maintain NC is an indicator that you are beginning to put your own happiness FIRST. No one said that it wasn’t going to hurt….but pain DOESN’T DESTROY YOU (trust yourself)!! :-)

]]> By: Kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252553 Kay Wed, 17 Feb 2010 02:30:21 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252553 I know you're not presenting yourself as an inspiration,Res but nonetheless your story is very heartening and it is wonderful to see that a happy ending is possible.Heartiest congratulations to you on your engagement and upcoming wedding,I hope you'll be very happy. I know you’re not presenting yourself as an inspiration,Res but nonetheless your story is very heartening and it is wonderful to see that a happy ending is possible.Heartiest congratulations to you on your engagement and upcoming wedding,I hope you’ll be very happy.

]]> By: Rosie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252551 Rosie Wed, 17 Feb 2010 01:43:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252551 Thought provoking. Why do I know so many women in their thirties who yearn for children and are afraid they'll miss out? Who aren't asked out on dates and are turned down when they ask men out on dates? Who are played, used and conned by men on online dating websites? Who are approached by younger men for sex? Who know all the red flags, and give anyone without them a go, but who still go home alone every night? And have given up? After thirty it becomes a whole other ball game: men have the power, not women. I don't see anyone talking about this, unless they're selling products based on some 'Sex and the City' myth. Thought provoking. Why do I know so many women in their thirties who yearn for children and are afraid they’ll miss out? Who aren’t asked out on dates and are turned down when they ask men out on dates? Who are played, used and conned by men on online dating websites? Who are approached by younger men for sex? Who know all the red flags, and give anyone without them a go, but who still go home alone every night? And have given up? After thirty it becomes a whole other ball game: men have the power, not women. I don’t see anyone talking about this, unless they’re selling products based on some ‘Sex and the City’ myth.

]]> By: RES http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252550 RES Tue, 16 Feb 2010 23:55:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252550 I totally agree with kay regarding "luck." It is luck that you meet someone with whom you click, HOWEVER, if that person remains a part of your life it should be because their words of love, affection, etc. are reflected in their behavior. Whether a person remains in your life is totally your choice. I do not present myself as an example, or inspiration. The years that I spent in self-reflection were some of the hardest in my life, and there were many tears shed. But...it made me stronger, and you have to believe that the steps you take to bring positive change in your life will make you stronger. One must TRUST themselves and never doubt their value. I wrote NML to thank her for all of her advice, after I became engaged. I told her that I felt that I'd somehow lost that ability to "fall in love," or to "lose myself" in a person. However, loving without regard for how you are treated isn't healthy, and "losing" yourself in a person is completely dysfunctional. There are no "perfect" men, and love isn't like it is in the movies. Realizing that you are being led by unrealistic expectations is really, really hard to accept. But what I found in my fiance was so impressive to me, and how I felt so loved, and was completely authentic, far surpasses anything I'd see in film. Realize that this process takes time, and that every small success leads to more successes (and it's OK to slip too....we're all human). It's easy to hear that you need to love yourself, it's much harder to figure out how to do that. I would suggest to anyone to read NML's post on what it means to "love yourself." Also, self-honesty will mean sometimes that you will feel pain. Acceptance of hurt, disappointment, grieving, is supposed too. Know that pain doesn't kill you, TRUST YOURSELF, that you or anyone else WILL NOT CRUMBLE. Pain is a part of life, it is part of the journey. I totally agree with kay regarding “luck.” It is luck that you meet someone with whom you click, HOWEVER, if that person remains a part of your life it should be because their words of love, affection, etc. are reflected in their behavior. Whether a person remains in your life is totally your choice. I do not present myself as an example, or inspiration. The years that I spent in self-reflection were some of the hardest in my life, and there were many tears shed. But…it made me stronger, and you have to believe that the steps you take to bring positive change in your life will make you stronger. One must TRUST themselves and never doubt their value. I wrote NML to thank her for all of her advice, after I became engaged. I told her that I felt that I’d somehow lost that ability to “fall in love,” or to “lose myself” in a person. However, loving without regard for how you are treated isn’t healthy, and “losing” yourself in a person is completely dysfunctional. There are no “perfect” men, and love isn’t like it is in the movies. Realizing that you are being led by unrealistic expectations is really, really hard to accept. But what I found in my fiance was so impressive to me, and how I felt so loved, and was completely authentic, far surpasses anything I’d see in film. Realize that this process takes time, and that every small success leads to more successes (and it’s OK to slip too….we’re all human). It’s easy to hear that you need to love yourself, it’s much harder to figure out how to do that. I would suggest to anyone to read NML’s post on what it means to “love yourself.” Also, self-honesty will mean sometimes that you will feel pain. Acceptance of hurt, disappointment, grieving, is supposed too. Know that pain doesn’t kill you, TRUST YOURSELF, that you or anyone else WILL NOT CRUMBLE. Pain is a part of life, it is part of the journey.

]]> By: Happy Soul http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252548 Happy Soul Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:24:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252548 Res, thank you for your inspiring comment to the brilliant Natalie's post. I have to agree we need to love ourselves first, and we have to put boundaries, it is very hard;-( when you used to rollercoaster and drama! Res, thank you for your inspiring comment to the brilliant Natalie’s post.
I have to agree we need to love ourselves first, and we have to put boundaries, it is very hard;-( when you used to rollercoaster and drama!

]]> By: Stacey the ever grateful http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252540 Stacey the ever grateful Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:31:45 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252540 ~"Am I still acting with a lack of self-love and covering it up with bravado and pretence?"~ busted! This is exactly what I've been doing. I thought I could do the whole 'fake it 'til I make it'-thing, but I ended up stuck in the 'fake-it' phase. Most times I feel like a walking mud pie w/ a fluffy, sugar-cream frosting (light, nice and sweet on the outside...heavy with grief, bitter and grimey on the inside). I'm pretty sure I stayed stuck in the 'fake-it' phase because it seemed easier than facing some hard truths and/or changing some patterns. Who was I trying to fool? :O! Faking it IS EXHAUSTING!!! Thank you, NML! Time for me to move on to phase 2 in operation Life. ;) hehehee. <3 to you all! ~”Am I still acting with a lack of self-love and covering it up with bravado and pretence?”~ busted! This is exactly what I’ve been doing. I thought I could do the whole ‘fake it ’til I make it’-thing, but I ended up stuck in the ‘fake-it’ phase. Most times I feel like a walking mud pie w/ a fluffy, sugar-cream frosting (light, nice and sweet on the outside…heavy with grief, bitter and grimey on the inside). I’m pretty sure I stayed stuck in the ‘fake-it’ phase because it seemed easier than facing some hard truths and/or changing some patterns. Who was I trying to fool? :O! Faking it IS EXHAUSTING!!! Thank you, NML! Time for me to move on to phase 2 in operation Life. ;) hehehee. <3 to you all!

]]> By: Tara http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/comment-page-1/#comment-252538 Tara Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:12:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-out-of-stuck-what-are-you-doing-to-help-bring-love-into-your-life/#comment-252538 This really hits home. I've essentially been single for three years and wondering what the problem is. The painful truth is that I am the common denominator. Maybe this will help me push my boundaries a little bit--Maybe I need to get a little more uncomfortable in what I do in order to find a guy that I'm comfortable with. Thanks, NML! .-= Tara´s last blog ..<a href="http://meandmisterunavailable.blogspot.com/2010/02/mr-unavailable-285-forgot-about-this.html" rel="nofollow">Mr. Unavailable #28.5: Forgot About This One</a> =-. This really hits home. I’ve essentially been single for three years and wondering what the problem is. The painful truth is that I am the common denominator. Maybe this will help me push my boundaries a little bit–Maybe I need to get a little more uncomfortable in what I do in order to find a guy that I’m comfortable with. Thanks, NML!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Mr. Unavailable #28.5: Forgot About This One =-.

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