Comments on: Getting Over Him When You Thought You Were Friends Part Two

By: An old blogger

An old blogger — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 19:25:10 +0000

My ex was a “good” friend for many years before we got involved, as we were both married.. I do look back and wonder were we ever “friends” or two people in unhappy marriages who got along great but secretly couldn’t wait to jump in bed… yeah, i think that’s what it was.. well, then we did, and it was the sun, the moon, and the stars, or was it? I remember him telling me before we decided to leave our spouses, “i don’t want to ruin this great friendship”..looking back i thought he was such a great guy for saying that and actually caring about the friendship, but it was just one of his many crocks of sht!!! Well, we moved in, and the relationship ended and so did the friendship. It was hard at first losing both at the same time, but as down and out as I was, I realized we could not be friends. He would have been fine with it, the phone calls, ego strokes, etc, but it took one rock bottom experience for me to say “uh, no way”… He didn’t deserve me, a relationship with me, and certainly didnt’ deserve to be my friend. I stand by that to this day, and am sure I’m in such a better place because of it. It’s a lose/lose to try and remain friends, especially when you were the one hurt. NML is correct.. you cannot move on holding to anything related to him.. not even a “friendship” which is usually an excuse to keep them in your life.

By: Stefanie

Stefanie — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 21:01:07 +0000

I just discovered your website and read the article and I am shocked how right you are. The weird thing is that women still continue to love the guy even thoug it is already over. He may break our heart, treat us badly, but then the guy comes around again and apologizes and we are not ,mad anymore. We simply keep the good picture of the guy in our mind.
I really tried hard to be friends with my former b-friend; it was actually him who always came back into my life. It all ended a few weeks in a very terrible way. I don´t know what to feel in the end, disappointment or simply stupidity because I really belived we could be true and honset friends??
I think the concept of friendship is build on respect and trust, love can grow out of that but it is difficult to move from love to friendship. I see now that even though I liked him, there was nothing he could really add to my life, there was not even one thing he could help me with. It was more of a distraction from my life and myself than anything else.
It hurts at times but what I definetly learnt what a real friendship is all about.
and letting go is the best recipe to grow and gain (something better)

good luck to all ladies who have been hurt and did not deserve it.

By: Valerie

Valerie — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 19:51:21 +0000

I broke things off with my EUM via telephone 1 week ago. Immediately,after apologizing for not being emotionally available and maintaining that he is still not ready to have a serious relationship after 2.5 years, he says that we should take a couple of weeks to “see how I feel” ( meaning me) and we can still talk on the phone. I was in tears and didn’t turn him down outright. But I have deleted him from my phone,computer.Facebook- everything. It’s hard to sum it up in a paragraph- this guy actually was there for me- when i was sick,took care of my son when i ahd surgery and spend holidays together when possible. But Valentine’s Day was silent- did not call me until 10pm,saying we could celebrate the next weekend when we didn’t have our kids. Our usual schedule was to spend our free weekends with each other- sandwiched in between soccer season committments. I never saw him play once. My take was, after 2.5 years and everything that had transpired between us, makign time for dinner should have been a priority- kids or no kids- they can stay on their own and do when he works. I had enough and although it hurt terribly to realize that indeed, this was a dead end- again, I confrotned him the next time we spoke and told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I will not call him- I don’t remember his number and would have to search through cell phone records to find it. If he calls, perhaps I should feed his own lines back to him- “I’m just not ready to talk to you, I don’t want complications”,etc.

By: Formerly Confused

Formerly Confused — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 15:02:44 +0000

Yes! It is All About Him. Not all about Our Friendship.

Just because he fully unloaded to me about his personal tragedies of the last year, complete with detailed personal info and “secrets” doesn’t make us friends. He needed to vent and I was there – that’s all. It isn’t a sign of anything more, or anything more positive. It isn’t intimacy.

He isn’t trustworthy with my secrets or the details of my life. Nor does he seem to be interested. One good listener and one good talker does not a friendship make.

By: Mz. Indecisive

Mz. Indecisive — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 23:17:05 +0000

Superb timing. This fits to a T. Ive visited this site many times to help me find the strength to be fair to myself and get rid of ‘my’ assclown for good. Many times, Ive fallen for his “i dont want to lose you in my life, I still wanna be friends” crap. Ive recently stuck to my convictions; and denied him any more of this ‘friendship’ because the reality is… its not a friendship. Its easier than saying goodbye, and he is still the same assclown either way, AND its really more like an ongoing booty call anyway. Interestingly, when I hear HIM saying goodbye to ME, it didnt feel as great as I wish it would…and he was more concerned if I ‘hated him” now. The chip on my shoulder nudged me to rebuke, and profess my love for him yet again, but the love I have for myself has stopped me. Lets hope self love wins long term!

By: Pushing.Thru

Pushing.Thru — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:16:42 +0000

I was recently at Indigo looking in the “addiction” section, in search of something to help me further along in breaking my “addiction” for my EUM/ASSCLOWN.
I came across an interesting book – “Adult Children Raised By Alcoholics”
I sat for an hour and read through it… unbelievable – how the description matched my “man” and our “relationship”
As i’m sure many of us here know – they cannot empathize with us and are trapped in their own deluded world. For many years my heart went out to him… but there is a breaking point. Their childhoods are a reflection of who they are today, true. They had a mother or father that was abusive, a drunk, unavailable, neglected them – FINE.

Do something about it – get help, see someone! Make a better life for yourself!! Do they not see that this needs to be done??

The book made it very clear that they do NOT recognize their own behavior as being “bad”, or “abnormal”… how could they??? They don’t know what normal is.
They’ve never seen it, they’ve only been subjected to abnormality, and weren’t able or “allowed” to show any emotion of what was taking place in their homes.
I’m not at all saying that all of our experiances are the same, and all EUM’s have gone through this, but it’s highly likely that many have.
Do we want men like this in our lives??? Even as “friends”???

Not me.

By: sharlena sharlena

sharlena sharlena — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:06:59 +0000

just goes to show you how many males there are parading as white knights who turn out to be nothing more than wolves in sheep’s clothing with an agenda.

By: de-lightedtobefree

de-lightedtobefree — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 16:17:53 +0000

Amazing to think back and know this EU was devastated at losing the ‘love of his life’. She left him 5 years ago and he crashed big time. for five years he has used the excuse to drink, drug, sleep around, be a lotal ass to everyone… that he isn’t over her and no one will match up. I can tell you now..I saw how he treated her toward the end of their seven year relationship and she had every right to jump ship and run for her life. He was mean, selfish, controlling, unthinking and decietful when he was with her ‘ ooohhh the love of his life’. My god. Who the hell do they think they are!

By: Robin

Robin — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 04:30:32 +0000

Natalie,
You are such a resource to help women recognize these patterns.
I refer your site all the time. I learn so much!
Thank you!
Robin

By: Naaz

Naaz — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 17:27:36 +0000

this is sooo true, I tried being friend with my X but it just caused me more pain, It was just reflection of feeling to be with him some day, like i was secretly begging him to except me in his life. It feel good to see myself with whole new way after almost 3month of NC, It feel g8
Thanks to you NML you saved me many years of pain!

By: Anusha

Anusha — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:42:16 +0000

“Theyâ€™re still lacking in empathy. Theyâ€™re still self-centred. Theyâ€™re still selfish, unthinking, deluded, untrustworthy, in need of an ego stroke, looking for a shag, controlling, deceitful, unyielding, or whatever their prime behaviour is.”

What I learned is that somebody like this isnt suitable for a good relationship.Loving is about the other,is about worrying about the other person’s happiness and well being like if it was your own.It is about having empathy for her fellings and wants.And somebody that is self centered just isnt capable of that.

By: jen

jen — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 07:40:28 +0000

I so much needed to hear that, it just came exactly at the right time…no kidding….exactly!!! Thanks Natalie!!!

By: am

am — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:04:59 +0000

I started my relationship with my EUM after being friends with him. He seemed so sweet and sincere and just a decent guy. It is horrible what happened once we got intimately (if you could call it that) involved. The covert emotional abuse, calling me needy when I complained about it, the totally mindfucking that went on is outrageous. And, of course he came back years later to “apologize” and rekindle the relationship. I thought maybe he actuallly was a decent guy that just was too young to appreciate a good girl when he saw her. Unfortunately I was wrong. This is his CHARACTER. Not timing, being too young, a mistake, whatever excuse he gave. It was his soul that was totally unable to love or empathize with me (or any other girl for that matter). The sad part is that I believe he can be a good friend/person to people he does not date. I believe it is his innate belief that his “woman” does not deserve to be treated well and shown love. It is so confusing and baffling for a typical person to understand. Now, I have nothing left to do but to work on loving myself enough to not attract another man like this.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:03:47 +0000

You always seem to hit the nail right on the head. My ex has several women he is playing at one time, I wish I could introduce them all to this site. I am a very fortunate woman have sought out and discovered this site that helps so much in my grieving process. I have had no contact for two months now and holding strong.

Thank you,
M

By: Wild~Thing

Wild~Thing — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 04:39:09 +0000

Personally, I had to learn the true definition of what I considered a friend to mean, and for me a friend is- someone I know, like and trust.

I haven’t struggled with keeping X’s around from my past since I am a firm believer that going backwards will cause me to trip and fall. R Kelly wrote a song called ‘when a woman’s fed up’ that kind of sum’s it up for me. If he didn’t treat me right while we were together, why should I grace him with the benefit of having me as a friend? I don’t think so. I may have a couple of them as aquaintances but definitely not friends. When I’m done, I’m done.

Thx and may you continue to move forward to your true destiny!!