Getting Through to Him

September 22, 2005 by NML

Ladies if you’ve been wondering why you feel like you’re going round and round in circles, there is hope with these communication tips. You can get through to him.

Everybody knows that men and women are different and there are hundreds of self-help books trying to explain the differences. Men and women want to solve each other, but I don’t think that we can. We can understand each other to a certain extent, but we are never going to be able to overcome the characteristics that make males and females.

Whenever women get together, at some point the discussion will head into a territory about respective partners, or men in general. One of the things that’s often discussed is the bewilderment at a man’s behaviour or something that he has said, despite the fact that this man should understand what needs to be done or said.

The great majority of my female friends speak English. It is their first language, and all of us speak it well. Most of them feel that they are able to communicate how they feel, what they want, and what they need. So do women speak in code, or do men have a relationship dyslexia?
A woman has communicated to her man that she wants to get married and have children. He appears to agree with how she feels. Months have passed, and there’s no ring on the finger, and they are no closer to marriage than I am to marrying Morris Chestnut. She thinks that he must be nervous about what she will do if she doesn’t get what she wants. I disagree.

Although what she wants and needs has been communicated, the man has made no steps towards giving her this, and he hasn’t called time on the relationship. Each time there is an argument, he ‘thinks’ that he says all of the right things to keep her placated and quiet - until next time. Most importantly, she is still there.

This is where the man is interpreting and understanding his conscious messages from. Deep down in his gut level, he knows that he could or can lose her, but there is another level swirling with ego, delusion, bravado, arrogance and stupidity. This level tells him that he has all of his bases covered and that he has told her enough to keep her quiet. He can kid himself that all is okay because she is physically still there.

When it comes to love and relationship issues, men suddenly don’t hear too well and their brains filter out certain types of information so that they hear what they want to hear. Here are some tips to ease the frustration and increase communication so that you ultimately get through to him.

Men are very literal. They don’t read between the lines, they don’t pick up on hints very well and they will take you at your word. I had a friend recently crying because her boyfriend was going with his friend to meet two women. “That bastard. Wait till I get my hands on him. I can’t believe he has just sprung this on you.” That’s when she looked sheepish. It seems that she’d known about it for ages but felt that he ‘knew’ she wasn’t happy. He didn’t know jack shit. If she’s grinning away, telling him that it’s ok to go, even if he senses that there may be an underlying tension, he will take his chances because she hasn’t actually stated her unhappiness.
This means that you should:

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be as clear and concise as possible so that he doesn’t use something that you forgot to say as his get out clause.

Don’t hint. Hinting is for board games/charades etc when you want the person to get the answer. It is not the way to communicate how you feel in a relationship. Men do not pick up on hints very well and even when they do, it has taken them absolutely donkeys to get the hang of it, which means that there will have been many arguments along the way.

Questioning technique. Be careful with the use of open (who, what, where, how, when) and closed questions (require yes or no answer). In sales the use of open questions is key in making inroads into a client relationship, but if you want a man to tell you whether he intends to marry you or not, it’s best to go with “Do you want to get married to me?” as opposed to “How do you feel about marriage?”

With the first question, you are putting yourself at the heart of his answer and if he starts going into a big explanation then you know you have some work to do, because the question requires a yes or no.

With the second question, even though in your mind you intend for it to be about you and him, the man will hear this as a general question about marriage which he will depersonalise, even if his nuts shrivelling is telling him that there is a distinct possibility that this is about you and him. Once you have your ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer in the first question, this will let you know which open questions you need to pursue him with.

Follow through. Don’t make empty threats. If you say you’re going to do something if he doesn’t and then you don’t, men subconsciously interpret this as a thumbs up to carry on doing what they like. Repeatedly doing this weakens any of your arguments.

Dry those tears. I know it’s hard, but eyes filling with tears, or big fat tears rolling down your face, or sobbing in between choking out the questions weakens whatever you have to say and it is difficult to regain your position. Men are hunters, gatherers, fixers and self involved, which means it will be interpreted that there is something wrong with you that was caused by something else other than him, because his ego won’t let him believe that it’s his actions that could have brought on the tears. Even if he does believe that it’s him who has caused it, he will feel manipulated because since men were little boys, the start of a females tears signalled the time to back down and hand over the toy, say sorry, or let go of her hair.

Easy on the accusations. Try not to go in from an accusatory position because men translate this into “Oh here we go. She’s nagging. God this is like listening to my mum/significant woman that has ‘nagged’ him in his life”. State what it is that is bothering you and how whatever he has done has caused you to feel. It’s best to avoid conversations that start with “ You’re a complete wanker for not taking the bins out” and better to go with “I noticed that the bins weren’t taken out this morning. Can we agree on who will take out the bins and when, because I must admit that I really don’t want to be taking them out each day? I know it’s a shitty task but if we take it in turns, we can both feel bad together.”

Tone is key. If you start the conversation in a tone that he associates with all hell breaking loose, he will immediately go on the defensive. Catch him off guard by starting the conversation in a positive tone.

Back away. If you’re not getting anywhere, step away and come back to the conversation at a later stage with a fresh approach. The more you push, the more stubborn he gets, the less he is hearing what you have to say. Obviously it’s unlikely that he’ll be getting any if there’s a big disagreement, but don’t tell him that. It’s funny, but true, that most men weigh up how far they will push things based on how much sex is going to get knocked off their subconscious sex schedule. Don’t tell him that you know that he thinks like this (they really do think that they’re very clever and that we don’t know) and remember this when he’s kicking off and letting his ego and pride get in the way of good communication. When he’s greeted with sub zero temperatures under the covers, something in his subconscious will tell him to make sure that he sorts it out with you ASAP. It is one of the few ‘hints’ that men ‘suddenly’ understand.

The most important thing though is to stop being there. If he’s not coming through on the big stuff and you’re miserable then walk away. Sometimes we need to put distance between us to see things objectively. If you’re still there even though you’re telling him that he’s not doing the things that you want him to do, and he’s not meeting you half way, the man thinks that things are not great but manageable. If you have spelt it out in black and white, leaving no room for misinterpretation and communication remains a one way street and the situation hasn’t changed, it’s time to step away. If they don’t know what they have, walking away, even if it’s only for a while, can communicate more than any words can.

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim