Good luck and best wishes to you on your journey,
Over It

i feel bad for her too, but how can you lead the blind and unconscious out of the alley without going there yourself and being codependent and otherwise. be an example and through grace she might turn around.

the thing that might not confuse you is to remember your boundaries, what is your limit. you can be that kind and benevolent person but determine a boundary line.

all the best!!!

Working on becoming the best you is a good thing to do. It’s also hard because I’d like to think the highest me is selfless; not a martyr but at least concerned about others and offering myself in service to them when I can. One of the things that is confusing about all this to me is that I feel sorry for her. She’s ruining her life. She’s like a pathetic addict, and I just know this guy is a total dick. Any guy who would betray his wife like that is a total dick by default. It’s not cool to have violent thoughts, but if I ever met him, it would be very difficult for me to not kick his ass. I hate that I feel like that, but there it is.

So I guess it’s best for me to simply fade away and let her reap what she has sown, sad as it makes me.

What about you and your valuable, beautiful self Billy? Are you in love with the dream that was? Your wife is NOT treating you well at all, please you are the most important person in your life. I am working on my spiritual life in order to connect myself, and my self only not other people with my HIGHEST self. The best I can be.

Please do not beat yourself up, and seek some support. St. John’s wort if you are depressed is very helpful. Do not waste your precious and beautiful life on someone who is treating you bad and creating violent thoughts. You will have love again, but you must first find the peace and love within yourself and it will come back to you.

I have been married ten years, faithful as an old dog. The first several years were pretty good. The last three years have been pure hell, and I’m just realizing that it’s because my wife has been involved with someone, probably an EUM AC MM. She moved out a year ago but we’ve been intimate the whole time. We’ve talked every day. We shop together, eat together, spend every weekend together and basically live as man and wife except that we sleep in separate apartments 4-5 nights a week.

It seemed strange to me, but I wanted to give her “space.” Now I see why she wanted “space” — so she could carry on whatever fantasy she’s carrying on. She’s using me as her backup plan, I guess, in case this other guy doesn’t come through and leave his wife.

Of course, this could be paranoid speculation, but all the signs are there. She’s dropped truth over the past year but never come out and admitted it completely. It would be so much easier if she did that. I could move on. “OK, you love someone else. Fine. Here are the divorce papers.” As it is, I keep questioning myself because I don’t have proof, and she denies that anything is going on… but I know.

She is definitely in the throes of luminance but tells me that story as a “crush” she has on some guy at her gym whose name she doesn’t even know (right!). I gave her a gift that moved her to tears, and she made some bizarre comment about “You wouldn’t love me if I F-ed another guy.” I was like, “Hmmm… where the hell is this coming from?” I had been expecting her to kiss me and have wonderful sex with me like she would have in the old days. It hurts. Bad. Really bad.

Despite all these epiphanies, I keep trying to repair the marriage, and I feel like a total dumbass. She’s using me for something. What little sex there is is becoming bad; I suppose she’s getting that elsewhere or maybe feels guilty having sex with me, like she’s cheating on AC. How fucked up is that?!? She knows I love her and always will, that I’m devoted, faithful, and available in every way. That’s what she’s getting out of me that she’s not getting out of him, I guess.

Great. So I get to be the doormat. He gets to have all the fun. I know for a fact that their meetings must be short because I see so much of her. I can only imagine the disgusting things she’s doing with him. It also makes me sick to think of them talking about me. What do they say? The guy must think I’m a total schmuck. I’d like to cut his balls off, shove them down his throat and see if he bled to death or choked first.

You know what, though? He’s right: I am a schmuck. I’m just like the other woman in a way. I keep hoping that she’ll see what an idiot she’s being and come running back to me. At the same time, I know she won’t. She’s delusional. It hurts me to think of her being alone, feeling used and played after I leave. But I have to leave. I deserve better than this.

Thanks for letting me vent. Just wanted to let you know that these things hurt men too.

I know it is time for me to end it, but as I said, I would be financially bankrupt and couldn’t afford the living the way I am now living.

I have also been thinking of how I am hurting other people, especially his wife and am struggling with this. Sometimes I don’t care tha his wife is hurting and other times I think this is not who I really am. I certainly wouldn’t want my husband cheating on me so why am I doing this to another woman? It is hard to reconcile.

But, I am living in a lifestyle that I have always wanted. I have a new home, car and more beautiful jewelry than anyone I know. How can I give this all up. But how can I continue being the other woman knowing I am in love with a liar and a cheater. How do I live with myself for giving up my professional ethics and my personal ethics to be with this man. I have forgotten the basis karmic law to treat others as I wish to be treated. But I still continue to be the other woman because he gives me all the things I desire.

He says he loves me, but then we always have to meet in secret. We never go out with his friend nor have I met any of his family yet. If he loves me so much why doesn’t he show me off to the world. He gave a a huge diamond ring and we are supposed to get married, but who knows when that will happen if after 3 years he still hasn’t left his wife.

I know I have to end it especially after this wake-up call. I hope I have the strength to find my own self-respect and just do it.

I’ve been slowly letting go (and holding on again) to an unrequited crush on someone who has, with his hot and cold behavior, made it quite clear that he is not interested. Today he hurt my feelings again…nothing new there. As Anne Lamott writes: Expectations are disappointments under construction.

Anyway, I was writing an essay about a boyfriend I had in high school. for an assignment inspired by a song. All of sudden I realized that while I’ve aged 30 years, been married and divorced and had other significant (and insignificant) relationships in the interim, I’m still attracted to the same unavailable guy that I was at 15. This was not the lovely “aha” brand of epiphanies. It was a brutal smack-in-the-face realization.

I wrote about the high-school version here: http://www.jmbrants.blogspot.com.

I left for good, but I had my “looking back” moments…. kept wondering if I did something wrong……

I tried to leave four times before I actually did leave. Each time he kept begging me to stay. But when I actually did leave, he didn’t even try to stop me. Or call me.