I hope your friend works through it. We all have our issues to deal with and sometimes they weigh heavier than other times.

There have been way too many people in my life who have been miserable specimens and it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

I agree. Some people who play the victim are incredibly controlling. And it is ALL about them.

Lisaq – In my experience, a lot of people with self-esteem issues are narcissistic. It’s all about what other people are doing TO them. They allow other people to determine their worth and then spend all their time blaming that person instead of taking some responsibility and accountability for their lives.

Not all, but it’s out there.

I think that’s true FinallyOverIt, though sometimes easier said than done.

I think she’s on her way BradK. She definitely has a long journey ahead, but one very worth it in the end. I do think she’s aware of that.

Very nicely put Laura. We definitely do attract people based on our perceptions of ourselves.

Thanks Cheekie. I definitely think we sometimes project onto them what we think they are based on a few interactions. We have to be careful.

She has issues Izzy. There’s no denying that, but I don’t see narcissism as one of them. If anything, it’s the flip side of the coin. Low self esteem, self worth, etc.

Iz x

yes, sometimes we do attract the ‘wrong’ guys, but does that mean they are all wrong? hellz no. it’s our patterns that turn them into the ‘wrong’ guys. we have to be really careful. we don’t want to all be perceived as harpies that only have a wedding band on our minds, do we? we have to stop doing that to men.

also, just in response to comment Brad made here, I don’t think that it’s fair to paint all people in the service industry with the same brush. It’s a good way to make money for school and to support a family. My mom did it for years, and frankly, at least half of all the bartenders/waiters/waitresses I know (which is quite a lot) are in relationships. Committed ones. the rest don’t play around, they are sick of it. Some of the nicest, most upstanding people I know work in that field.
Just like any other industry, you have people who play the field and people who don’t. and the ones that do are under 25 usually.I have worked in many many different areas and it’s not an exclusive to the bar or club industry, believe. (just ask anyone who has worked in an office, especially if you are an attractive female, half the day you have to put up with innuendo and come on’s from a lot of married’s)

in my experience….

I think it can take a really long time to get to know someone. And before we start pinning all our hopes for the future on someone we ought to take that time.

Really, it all begins and ends with US. Not only do we train people how to treat us but we attract people based on our own perceptions of ourselves. How we carry ourselves, how we talk, what we accept, how we think.

So, it’s not just a matter of “finding a good man.” It’s about dealing with our own issues. Then the rest takes care of itself.

Haha at least that’s what I’m counting on.

This bartender (talk about a career with a built-in ‘tell the story they want to hear’ twist) quite likely is similar to others she has attracted.

If she is picking out dates at an establishment that servers alcohol, she is facing very long odds that the guy will be better at ‘good conversation’ than as a help-meet, a co-parent, someone that she can build a family with.

And that is the real issue for your friend. Has she realized that she is starting to want a relationship that defines her life, a life-mate, or is she still thinking that the point is a ‘fun’ date?

If she hit on a guy wandering Wal-Mart with two squalling kids, she is likely looking at someone desperate to keep a woman in his life, at whatever cost. Meet a guy in a bar, and he knows he can pick up another talker/cuddler any night of the week.

So I think your friend isn’t likely over-thinking, she hasn’t finished thinking it through. And this guy she picked was a detour, he happened during her transition, before she was ready to evaluate him against her new life plan. Changes take time, and work. And usually you feel the pain of what you have to let go long before you get to appreciate what the new path has to offer.

Best of luck to your friend.