Recently I pursued an EUM, but after 1.5 months of dating him, I knew in my heart that he’s not the one for me and he’s not ready for anything that I’m ready for. I broke up with him last Thursday after telling him that I want to date other men and I want to be in a healthy relationship. The EUM is seeking therapy upon my advice and I told him that he needs to walk down that path by himself. It’ll be painful and it’ll be hell on earth, but I was even more proud of myself that I recognized early on that this guy is an EUM and I’m not about to stick around and help him sort out his issues.

Prior to him asking me out, he’d asked another woman out who was unattractive, bad attitude, rude, and pretty much an ugly woman inside and out.

I came along, I’m not rude, I’m kind, I have my life somewhat together, I have been working on my issues, in other words, in my opinion, have it much better together than this other woman he’d asked out before me. BTW, we all used to work together and that’s how I know her.

Paul – my ex- EUM told me that he’d “NEVER” dated anyone like me because I didn’t need “fixing”. I am independent, I have my head on somewhat screwed on straight and I’m kind, generous, extrovert, confident, just a complete opposite of what he’s used to dating. Now with this website, I’m starting to understand why he’d dated those types of women, rather than someone like me. He is “comfortable” with those types of women and they’re “low risk” will not make waves and unconfrontational and pretty much just take his shit compared to me where I would and did make him face his own issues. He chose those women because they needed fixing, just like him. He should actually thank me for bringing light into his life. But that’s not what the reason why I pursued him. I thought he was a nice guy who has it together like myself and was ready to be in a healthy relationship.

NML, thank you for this site. I’m the type of person that “needs” to understand why people do what they do including myself and I’m in constant search for answers. I’m going to keep reading.

What I want to know is what did I mirror for him?

He persued me for a year but evntually dumped me in the cruellest way because I wouldn’t sleep with him (I wanted a relationship he wanted a sex buddy and was in a relationship ‘friendship based’ where ’sex is not important to her’. Yup I know.

Anyway long story short he tried many ways to get me to succumb, including telling me I was a coward, passive aggressive, disliked myself, lived my life too safe, scared of sex, made too big a deal of the meaning of sex etc etc, and you know what? For 8 months I bought every word!

I told him I was single out of choice and was healing as I had been in abusive relationships before. I had not dated for 5 years purposely. His answer to that was that sex with him would heal my past wounds (sex that is, not a relationship).
Sad thing is, because I liked him so much I seriously considered giving up the sex because I had become addicted to him and his approval of me. He actually said to me once when I asked him if he wanted me healed or damaged (emotionally) ‘I am always drawn to broken women so I can fix them’ and then went on to say that he considered me his ‘best work yet’ because of my commitment to healing myself! What a cheek! Make of that what you will!
All I can say is if he left me in such a mess I dread to think of the mental state of his other conquests!

I see the ways in which he mirrored my low self esteem. I second guessed my instincts all the time and he would always say things to make me doubt myself.

I was so self critical and he was always ready with a list of things ‘wrong’ with me that I needed to change or improve. Because he was my tutor I looked up to him and trusted him. Problem was I trusted him more than my own judgement.

Anyway he waited until he was sure I had ‘fallen’ for him then just cut me off no explanation. The shock sent me into denial and I did send emails etc and call him, just wanting to know why. No explanation at all.

Anyway I let it go 3 weeks ago and have had NC in that time. Every day gets easier and I have had some really good days in fact.

I know a real relationship was never an option, and that I ‘chose’ him because I was scared of a real relationship and at least knew how to deal with the rejection, low self esteem etc that involvement with a man like this would bring.

But I find myself curious as to what I mirrored for him. And did he cut me off because I was so determind to get emotionally healthy (in addition to more than likely finding someone else who would give him no strings sex).

I do see that I had a lucky escape, but I still find myself baffled by the behaviour of this man who, one minute thought I was this wonderful woman and the next cut me off without a word. What am I dealing with? Assclown? EUM? What?

just to say Lynn….You have enough evidence don’t dig for more, there is dirt enough. No Contact, get your life and track, love yourself and don’t give up on love.

De

with love

That is scary. That tells me you believe the fairy tale, that if you love them more, if you find the magic trick, or say the right thing, that they will change.

The very few times it does happen, as Tulipa points out, you still lose. You either take charge of them (disrespecting their capability and their role in your relationship) and manipulate or trick or hurt (assault) them to ‘give them a shot’, or won’t be able to believe or trust that the change is real, if you weren’t the cause of the change.

If you caused the change, and they turned around and found character, and respect, and realized the pain they had been causing, they would have learned that they couldn’t make a good relationship with you – since you had established a relationship of disrespect. Or, they might be embarrassed or ashamed of their past, and need time on their own to heal. Without you.

While it is possible that you could turn a few guys around, you would be sending them on to another woman in every case. And you would be developing a capacity to hurt people. You would be manipulating and deceiving people, ‘for their own good’.

How many times, growing up, did that phrase, “for your own good,” endear you to the one using it?

This is why the No Contact Rule is so brilliant. Cutting off all contact, in every form, with no explanation, establishes a shield of time and separation. The NC Rule allows you to begin healing and letting go of anxiety and ties to the EUM. Instead of wasting valuable time when you might be healing, planning and thinking about and writing about ways to get even or to teach a lesson or to get back at the guy – ties you closer to him. Makes that much more work for you to do to let go, and delays you finding peace with yourself.

Blessed be!

but it doesn’t change the dreaming.. wishing and hoping…
sigh.

Steve was obviously bad news. I ended up with him out of desperation. I was desperate to go to this party and he invited me. This was after two months of his pursuing me. The fact I ended up with him out of desperation scares me.
I could become that desperate again

Thing is, just like NML says is often the case… I am emotionally unavailable myself. I have some serious issues. I have a Platonic BF of 15 years, Alan (who loves me) in the background who has my loyalty. I was (am) also seeing another guy besides Alan. And this other guy is another long term thing too, 10 years now we been going on.

Perfect Anne

Thank you very much for your supportive comments I always enjoy your posts

Regarding my wish for karma to strike Steve:

There is a book called “Checkmate”. It is written by Mark Crusher It is a book advising women how how to avoid being played. It was written by a former player and bad boy. Here is the link to Amazon if you want to check it out

http://www.amazon.com/Checkmate-Games-Mark-D-Crutcher/dp/1929642504

What happened to him is the ONE women he actually did love stood him up at the altar and in front of everyone! Then the very same day she married somone else! This forced him to look inside himself

It was then the player stopped playing. He was in incredible pain and realized how he was making the others feel. He wrote that as much pain as he was in at the moment, he realized it was nothing compared to what he had done to all the women who had loved him.

That is when he gave his life to God and stopped his ways. He also looked into himself and addressed his issues.

Sometimes these guys need a shot of what they dish out to realize what they are
doing is wrong.

But I don’t really pray that. I wrote it , deep down I hope it, but I don’t actually pray it I think if I prayed anything, it would be for me to find someone to make me happy. I’d like to fall in love forever.

I also think you’re right about Fallback girls being more inclined to want to change and get healthier. EUMs are at a different level of unavailability and many times I don’t think they even see the need to change.