It’s so true. My EUM cheated on his wife with me – he told me she was a vindictive control freak. We dated, he blew hot and cold, he lied, he let me down, he chased other women so I dumped him. He chased me for 2 months of no contact, promised that he loved me and had learnt by his mistakes. I gave him one last chance to prove he loved me and things would be different. They weren’t and I found out he was still sleeping with someone else so I dumped him again. Of course she knew nothing about me so he’s been cheating on her. Guess who he’s calling the vindictive control freak now??? Yup – me!!! lol

Let this be a warning…. THEY DO NOT CHANGE SO NEVER GO BACK!!!!

Yea and i can almost bet that I have already been talked about as the psycho to whoever he has preyed upon since our breakup. I feel bad for whoever she is cause these type of men repeat the same things over and over again. Same games; same lies; just a different player. They are incapable of having a committment with any type of woman regardless of how good she looks. It just took me a while to recognize what i was dealing with and i guess that’s why when i broke it off with him he turned Dr. Jekyle and Mr. Hyde.. That what’s narcissists do once they realize that you have found them out. They are embarrassed. As soon as the relationship; sex; and whatever wears off with whomever he’s with the traits and red flags will begin to start once again and then he’s ready to ESCAPE… And especially if she’s no longer catering to his financial needs…. Since our breakup I have been reading up on personality disorders and narcissists men. Everything that I have read up on; I have experienced with him. I pray to God that I never have to deal with this type of man. Cause the thing is you won’t know it by his looks… God has to give you the wisdom to acknowledge what you are dealing with and what to look out for when you are approached by these type of men because he approached me. It took me a minute to even start liking him to wanna move forward with a second or third date. They say follow your first mind and maybe thats what i should have done but I didn’t and a year later I am back to another relationship that ended all because I was with someone that i thought I knew was right for me but he wasn’t. He wasn’t even on my level and he didn’t deserve to be in my life. They say some people are meant to come into our lives for a season but we try to keep them there by making them FREE AGENTS ( they use us up; until we have nothing left and then they bounce onto the next WOMAN for their supply). 2 months NCR and I have never felt so much PEACE around me.. Dating this type of man can even have an after effect on a woman to where they loose all their self esteem and feel like something is wrong with them. I refused to give him that much satisfaction over my life. On to a happier healthier me who’s waiting on the right man that’s capable of loving…

You made some interesting points.. We have to look at all the red flags. The past ex wife that he is now divorced. Her being the bitch they my ex narcissists made me to believe right after we started going out. His ex girlfriend that he constantly talked about in a bad way but knew he was the one with the issues.. That right there was my clue… Not having a right relationship by with his kids by his ex wife. Not having a normal relationship with his family; sisters or brothers. He led me to believe that they were the bad ones immediately after we met. He was a complete socio path and I now I know that. If I had known then what I know now… we would have been done after our first date. They always appear to be the gentlemen that they are not!! So take notes ladies… when they talk about they’re wife that appears to be now an EX WIFE (run!!!)

Patterns don’t lie. Don’t be contemptuous or envious – You just haven’t heard their story from HER side.”

Does this mean that the ex he almost killed himself over, he didn’t actually love her more than he loved me?

OMG!!!! I think we dated the same person. Seriously, where do you live? I live in NYC. No its just weird because my EUM said the EXACT same words to me. The first time I saw him after breaking up with him the first time, after 2 months, he got REALLY drunk and said…I loved you..” earlier the same night he said, “you think you love me but you wouldn’t love who I really am…I have no Self…I have no sense of self worth in any area of my life…so who you love, who you think i am, thats not me” and also “I’ll never open myself up to love after my ex…” he used to say “love is nothing but a piece of paper torn to bits”

doesnt sound like i described very well in this post..but the similarities are uncanny..when i finally broke it off with him, he said “I understand. Believe me I do. I wish I could be around more, take you out proper, but I’m not. I can’t expect you to do this forever.”
and “i always thought you would find someone better than me.”

thoughts?

Peace
Darcy

well done Annie

I have negative and critical self-talk – and I find someone who talks negatively and critically to me.

I abandon myself by not having healthy boundaries and very little self-esteem – and I find someone who abandons me.

I don’t love myself by knowing I have value and refusing to settle for crumbs – I find someone who doesn’t love me or value me and only gives me crumbs.

THEY FIND WOMEN WHO SHOW THEM WHO THEY ARE

They are emotionally unavailable – they find women whose specific dysfuctions ultimately mirror theirs.

If they are not givers, chances are they will pick a selfish woman.

If they are manipulators, chances are they will pick a woman who plays head games.

If they are liars and promise breakers, chances are they will pick someone irresponsible and unreliable.

So this is who they will be attracted to, pine over, grieve over, believe they are a victim of.

I want to modify my original thought that we are possibly healthier than they are.
I belive we want to stop being fallback women and find solutions and change ourselves and our ways of thinking and acting to become healthier and truly have available relationships – and they may not want to do any of that or feel they have any need to change.

We simply have differing levels of dysfunctions OR different dysfunctions. And we choose different people as our mirrors for how we feel about ourselves – or how we behave.

I think bottom line is that these men – or women – are oour opportunity to see what we have been doing and attracting – and thus behave differerntly in the future and begin to be healthier in our choices, doing the things that support us, rather than the things that don’t.

So…. he will choose his next woman based on who he is.

You may have treated him great and loved him but that isn’t what his priority is, no mattert what his words are.
His priority subconsciously is to find someone who mirrors him. And he does. And if she doesn’t, he leaves her.

And if she does mirror what an assclown he is — he hurts over her like we have hurt over them… His pain and his incomprehension is over who he picks, just like ours has been.

So don’t envy her. If she’s healthy and loving and has her head on straight and takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t put up with crap, she’ll leave him. If she’s a sick puppy that mirrors him (and yes, there are women who are screwed up too) – it is his karma coming to roost, his mirror. This is his next woman when he hasn’t done the years of hard work and realizations that lead to change…..

He has told me that he thinks that I will one day realize that he’s not that great. He had his heart broken years ago, and he had told me that since then, he will never allow himself to be vulnerable again. Of course, when I bring this all up, he doesn’t remember saying it. Go figure. But I think him not committing is a way of protecting his heart. I try to make myself feel better by thinking that he is with the others because they don’t matter. Of course, this probably isn’t true, but it makes me feel better .

They, to some degree, know that they are devoid of any emotion and feeling. Just recently, he has told me that he feels nothing (in regards to his life, his career, his relationships, etc.). I can only really feel sorry for him.

In my case, I definitely saw myself as healthy, mature, ready for a long term relationship, and understood the importance and value of communication. My EUM, on the other hand, is severely handicapped in the communication and EQ realms.

My learning has been that I am not *as healthy* as I liked to believe. Why I would stay with someone who showed me time and time again that he couldn’t communicate says a lot about my own dysfunction. So I am working on that with a counselor.

Still, it is possible that my EUM knew at some level that I would not be happy, over the longer term, with him. A year into our relationship, we were already starting to mimic some of the patterns from his marriage. So he may have run away from me because he knew eventually I would have done just what his ex-wife did: reject him. Then again, such a decision would have required a degree of self-awareness that I am still not sure my EUM possesses. He really does not seem to know himself, and admitted as much the day we broke up. He seemed just as baffled by his behavior (cheating & dumping me) as I was.