Peace
Darcy

well done Annie

I have negative and critical self-talk - and I find someone who talks negatively and critically to me.

I abandon myself by not having healthy boundaries and very little self-esteem - and I find someone who abandons me.

I don’t love myself by knowing I have value and refusing to settle for crumbs - I find someone who doesn’t love me or value me and only gives me crumbs.

THEY FIND WOMEN WHO SHOW THEM WHO THEY ARE

They are emotionally unavailable - they find women whose specific dysfuctions ultimately mirror theirs.

If they are not givers, chances are they will pick a selfish woman.

If they are manipulators, chances are they will pick a woman who plays head games.

If they are liars and promise breakers, chances are they will pick someone irresponsible and unreliable.

So this is who they will be attracted to, pine over, grieve over, believe they are a victim of.

I want to modify my original thought that we are possibly healthier than they are.
I belive we want to stop being fallback women and find solutions and change ourselves and our ways of thinking and acting to become healthier and truly have available relationships - and they may not want to do any of that or feel they have any need to change.

We simply have differing levels of dysfunctions OR different dysfunctions. And we choose different people as our mirrors for how we feel about ourselves - or how we behave.

I think bottom line is that these men - or women - are oour opportunity to see what we have been doing and attracting - and thus behave differerntly in the future and begin to be healthier in our choices, doing the things that support us, rather than the things that don’t.

So…. he will choose his next woman based on who he is.

You may have treated him great and loved him but that isn’t what his priority is, no mattert what his words are.
His priority subconsciously is to find someone who mirrors him. And he does. And if she doesn’t, he leaves her.

And if she does mirror what an assclown he is — he hurts over her like we have hurt over them… His pain and his incomprehension is over who he picks, just like ours has been.

So don’t envy her. If she’s healthy and loving and has her head on straight and takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t put up with crap, she’ll leave him. If she’s a sick puppy that mirrors him (and yes, there are women who are screwed up too) - it is his karma coming to roost, his mirror. This is his next woman when he hasn’t done the years of hard work and realizations that lead to change…..

He has told me that he thinks that I will one day realize that he’s not that great. He had his heart broken years ago, and he had told me that since then, he will never allow himself to be vulnerable again. Of course, when I bring this all up, he doesn’t remember saying it. Go figure. But I think him not committing is a way of protecting his heart. I try to make myself feel better by thinking that he is with the others because they don’t matter. Of course, this probably isn’t true, but it makes me feel better :-).

They, to some degree, know that they are devoid of any emotion and feeling. Just recently, he has told me that he feels nothing (in regards to his life, his career, his relationships, etc.). I can only really feel sorry for him.

In my case, I definitely saw myself as healthy, mature, ready for a long term relationship, and understood the importance and value of communication. My EUM, on the other hand, is severely handicapped in the communication and EQ realms.

My learning has been that I am not *as healthy* as I liked to believe. Why I would stay with someone who showed me time and time again that he couldn’t communicate says a lot about my own dysfunction. So I am working on that with a counselor.

Still, it is possible that my EUM knew at some level that I would not be happy, over the longer term, with him. A year into our relationship, we were already starting to mimic some of the patterns from his marriage. So he may have run away from me because he knew eventually I would have done just what his ex-wife did: reject him. Then again, such a decision would have required a degree of self-awareness that I am still not sure my EUM possesses. He really does not seem to know himself, and admitted as much the day we broke up. He seemed just as baffled by his behavior (cheating & dumping me) as I was.

“And you were just too healthy, even if you were doing fallback women things, you were still healthier than him, and he can’t go there.”

I think you hit it on the head for all of the women (or men) here. Even though I feel unhealthy myself, I KNOW that I am more healthy than he is! Maybe if I work on getting healthier myself, I wont get so easily sucked into the unhealthiness of others … at least I hope.

and Ivyowl - keep posting on how you are doing. I work with my exEUM as well. With each break-up (oh, there have been many) it gets a little bit harder to get up and go to work in the morning. I’m looking for another job - hope you do too.

Annie: Reading over these posts, and based on a few things my EUM has said, I am beginning to draw the same conclusion.

As WE are sometimes compelled to date these losers even though they are bad for us, in the same way, THEY might be experiencing the same kind of complusion, and unhealthy patterns of relating.

I know my EUM has a long dating history where many many women(apparently healthier and smarter then I) walked out on him when he would not commit. I know because he mentioned these women often, sometimes calling them to find out they had married and were happy now…etc. These women were something too apparently( some of them). Two were models, one with a reconizable name. One was very wealthy. I am sure there were several others.

So I asked him: “How did Valerie get you to go exclusive ?” And he said
” I don’t know, I am still trying to figure it out.”

So maybe he just got sucked into a certain (unhealthy)type. She was married three times and probably blamed everything on her ex’s. Knowing him, and some of the things he said about her, she is NOT right for him as far as marriage goes. But and he is convinced she never wants to marry again so he is safe with her

. But I think she WILL compell him to marry, just as she compelled him to be exclusive(as she is a Catholic) and he is headed for a bad marriage and divorce.

And I HOPE it is as miserable as a marriage can get!!!!

What Anne said is a theory that makes sence to me. THEY can be attracted to the wrong people too. Right? Just like us?

It still hurts. Alot. I am trying to build myself up with self esteem affirmations. I try to also affirm that I am moving on to better, and trying to fight the very urge to give up on dating and love.

Maybe you were just too healthy for him…

It does hurt when they choose someone else instead of you and you have been waiting so patiently. It is incomprehensible. BUT I know that my EUM will choose an alcoholic all over again, someone who is manipulative and self-centered and selfish and plays head games, . JUST LIKE HE DOES.

So maybe… they find someone who is like them dysfunctionally - and that is their punishment…

And you were just too healthy, even if you were doing fallback women things, you were still healthier than him, and he can’t go there.

He isn’t committed to anyone. When your heart knows that along with your brain, you will breathe a shudder of relief and know INSIDE that you deserved much better - and be very glad you’re attracting it.

It’s hard not to take it personally when he says he is incapable of love with *anyone* but can be legitimately and seemingly committed to other people. What kills me the most is that I never got that - I never got the legitimacy of relationship. I understand that it’s all a facade anyways, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I get that he’s not really committed to these other people, but at least in my mind, he gave them a chance, whereas he just told me without even giving it a shot, “It’s not going to work. You deserve more than me. I am too messed up. I can’t give you what you want right now. I don’t want to lose your friendship. Blah blah blah….”

He has HUGE problems - and that has has nothing to do with you. You are anything but worthless garbage. This man would toss away ANYONE. Nobody wins with this man - he is an emotional black hole.

Of course it hurts anyway. You had dreams of who he could be, and acknowledging that they didn’t become real is painful.
We don’t let go of our fantasies easily, until we learn we would rather have reality.

I think NML has suggestions / an article for what to do when you work with a EUM and how you handle the contact issue. It was a very clever way around the problem when you are in the same office. Boundaries can still exist.

Now that we know what fallback women are - and what EUM’s are - we never have to go that route again with those men.

The gf didn’t want him. Clearly, since she (now) has kids / is married - she didn’t see him as a good potential father, or a good mate for herself.

He was only ‘pseudo-available’ to her for those 6 years because she didn’t want him ! If she had, I suspect he would have run, just like he ran from you.

I would highly doubt that he was the man you think he was with her - if he WAS she wouldn’t have been so willing to give him the boot !

She wasn’t more special than you, except maybe in her own eyes. She knew this guy was no good and that she wanted and deserved better.

Feeling worthless is so painful. Especially to think so highly of him, and so little of yourself . The balance is off. It might be better the other way around

There is nothing at all wrong with you to have children and love them. You are capable of and demonstrating genuine consistent love, which is a very worthy attribute.

He sounds totally selfish . It isn’t impressive. Rotten is a very accurate description.

It sounds like you need some enormous nurturing on a very deep level to heal those wounds.. My empathy.

Learning how to be kinder to yourself , how you see yourself, and how you speak to yourself, and how you protect yourself in the future from letting an assclown violate your boundaries. will be really important for you…

May day 11 become day 111 and then month 111.
He didn’t deserve you, (although you can’t see that yet, I can and I bet all of your friends can) and your kids don’t deserve to ahve a man in their life who treats their mom like dirt. They are waaaaaay better off without him too..