In your comment you said, “Perhaps I’ve misread it, but I never want to stop making an effort for someone who’s worth it. ” That stands out for me. Because this Baggage Reclaim, for me, is about dealing with why we pick an *unworthy* partner, and about dealing with a particular kind of wrong match - the emotionally unavailable person. What I call a perpetual dater, someone with no clue, interest, or intent to move beyond an everlasting dating lifestyle. So, the assumption is that 1) we picked a partner that is *not* worth it, is not worth any effort or time except to get ourselves away to a healthier place; and 2) we *picked* the wrong partner for some reason, some reason that we have to deal with so we can choose better next time and so we don’t keep driving away people that would be better for us.

Blessed be.

I now understand many of you are here as you would all like to stay victims and I’m ready to move on from that.

Good luck though.
Cheers.

Just like an EUM who seems nice at first, and then manages your expectations down.

We’re all learning here.

And getting much good out of NML’s wise posts and insights.

And discovering how to be more emotionally available oursleves, putting in healthy effort when healthy effort has been given to us, and not going down a one-way street with only hope as our guide.

Obviously you were on the internet and looking at relationship sites for a reason.
Perhaps other dating sites may be a better fit for you, lotsacoffee. if being a EUM or a fallback girl doesn’t apply to you.

Kei-kei, you didn’t neede me to stick up for you - you were doing quite well on your own.
I just couldn’t let that last deragatory comment go unaddressed.

Remember - when something bites you on the bum - it’s because you let it. Whatever you are responding to that’s eating you up, well that’s your problem and you need to deal with it.

Enjoy!

That being said, I apologize NML if I’m out of line but damn! Obviously like attracts like. My whole dating career I’ve been a fallback girl dating EUMs. It’s only in the past couple of years that I recognized it and began to work on my own issues and well, fixing myself.

I’ve come a long damn way. Anyone who knows me or who has read my site on a regular basis can vouch for that. All of that being said, I still have to agree with Keikei. Not pursuing and not being pursued doesn’t at all imply that neither of us isn’t putting out effort or that we are coasting along. Not even close. We both put forth effort and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. We speak on a very regular basis…the give and take of that is pretty equal. We see each other as often as possible (we live about 80 miles apart) and that in itself requires effort.

And we met online…an internet love as you called is lotsacoffees…one which you said doesn’t get lots of effort. It means a helluva lot more to both of us than grocery shopping and I’m offended that you downplay both my relationship and my progress.

Also by saying it’s about being progressive you are suggesting that what she writes or publishes is not progressive. That is extremely rude and I think if you’re going to take the time to check your facts then don’t comment. I think you are also picking on KeiKei so just stop. She wrote the post to show what she is learning as a result of already being enlightened about emotionally unavailable men. NML I am sorry for being so vocal and normally I email you when I have something to say but I have been following these comments and I just find her tone SO offensive.

Some relationships (or whatever their guise is) are just crap. Learning curbs and not necessarily our lesson either, but the other persons. Hang in there.

NML

Yes, I enjoy the site immensely - always a good read - still it’s about open opinions and being progressive.

A book which I feel everyone may get some benefit from here is called, “He’s Scared / She’s Scrared” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. And having read that, I’m of the belief that BOTH men and women are emotionally unavailable. I don’t think the sex with a dog between their legs take kudos on EU. In fact, as I believe, and the book confirms, the emotionally unavailable usually attract each other. Whilst we are busy blaming the other person for who they are and what they’re doing how many of us really know who we are and realise how we attract those sorts because they are mirroring who we are underneath.

So, like Keikei’s point suggests - which I did agree with - we attract from the outside what we feel on the inside.

The best practice to abolish the EUM’s is to stop being an EUW ourselves, and work-on our own self-esteem and how we can love ourselves enough to truly love someone else. Hopefully, unconditionally.

Cheers.

I dont understand why I let myself wait around for a change to take place - that suddenly he’d see value in me and the “relationship” enough to put forth some effort! I am not sure I ever gave him a chance to even try - I was too busy chasing him. By the time I got wore-out from all the pursuing, he was used to me doing it all. I set up my own pattern.

Even though he told me he did NOT want to be my boyfriend, he said that he liked having me around because “I took such good care of him and us” - He said he wanted ME to be in HIS life, but he did NOT want to be in mine (I have 3 children). Isn’t he awesome?

So, I’m done. If and when there is another guy, I hope I am wiser with how much of my heart I give away. My days as pursuer are over.

to put it in your words and to also expand off of what nml wrote, i just want to say that, yes, the reason many of us are at this site is because we have been pursuing non relationships and relationships that do not suit us and in essence i wrote that for myself and for others to wake up and start to engage in things that feel good.

you are absolutely right, nothing is ever equal but no one should lose and i feel that i’ve been allowing myself to lose and i’m tired of it. i used to fool myself into thinking there was something there but now i need some reciprocity or affirmation that there is indeed a relationship. that’s all i’m saying

I think when it’s not reciprocated then it’s either not a relationship or a relationship that suits people. There are givers and takers, nothing will ever be equal, similar to the old expression, “In a relationship one person usually loves the other more.” Sad but true, and I’d love to romanticise equal relationships but chances of it are unreal. Conversely I don’t want to become cynical about it either, and if could all afford to give a bit emotionally - without wondering what’s in it for me? - we were probably all be alot happier. The trouble these days is - everyone wants attention but not many are prepared to give it unconditionally. You then end-up with no one bothering to be either the pursued or the pursuer. Socially more and more of us are going solo because we expect others to do things for us - often without bothering to think what we could give in return.

Cheers

I do understand what you are saying but I did say that in a healthy relationship each person shows genuine interest. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making effort but when it’s not reciprocated is when there’s a problem, in my opinion, especially if it’s for an extended period of time. I believe that relationships are meant to be give and take and if one party is constantly taking then perhaps they don’t feel the same way as the other person.