Comments on: Guest Post: The Dating Duenna

By: cheekie

cheekie — Fri, 09 May 2008 00:13:51 +0000

I have cockblockers too, male and female. Male friends work GREAT for this. If you can arrange to meet up with friends, and that includes a male one or two…fantastic. Guys see through other guys bs better than we can.

And I don’t wait very long before having my friends meet a date…been known to ‘meet up’ with friends on the 3rd or 4th. You know, just before you start to get attached and just before, um…other stuff *wink*.

But as for a ‘duenna’? No. Not gonna happen. At my age, I could be the duenna. I shouldn’t be needing one. If I were 16 and meeting a strange man, definitely. But not in my 30′s…if my spidey senses aren’t honed by now, then I have no business dating in the first place.

I do support the text/phonecall/emergency eject friend though. One who knows where you are and who you are with. And you contact them at least once during the date. And when you get home. Especially in the early stages…very important and just smart.

I like the group situation too. Maybe a concert that you know others will be there, that kind of thing. But not a set up ‘duenna’ system. That’s not very practical, and can completely backfire regardless of whether or not he wants to get into your pants. Which they all do, nice guys or bad boys…nice guys just hide it better.

By: lisaq

lisaq — Tue, 06 May 2008 10:51:19 +0000

I don’t know that I’ll take her on dates with me, but my friend and I (both of whom are notorious for picking EUMs) have agreed to be each other’s cock blockers. We will keep an eye on each when out and have agreed that sex will have to put off in any new dating situation. If I get weak, or vice versa, she is a phone call away. Kind of like a dating anonymous sponsor. Not quite a duenna but someone out there to be held accountable to.

By: Sindh

Sindh — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:55:20 +0000

Way to go Astelle. I can tell by your words that you are healing coz I am too. Yes there are good decent men out there and we need to believe in that which may help weed out the nasties. Things is we are never gonna fix anyone who does not want to be fixed no matter how much love we pour on them.
Astelle I know how you feel, I am still hurting too very badly. I believed he was the one and now to realise that I was just used, abused and tossed away. Sometimes I think we hurt because we feel and we are human, I would take that any day that never to feel anything.
Like all wounds flesh or heart, it hurts and heals at the same time.
I feel so light these days that I almost feel like I am floating, no more drama, tears, fights and life is constant want. Lets work for better for us.

By: Astelle

Astelle — Tue, 06 May 2008 01:03:58 +0000

Brad, whom do you take on your dates?
I agree with NML, listen to your friends and family when they meet him.
I made a pact with my friends, any guy that I will be dating for 4-6 weeks, we all will meet for drinks together, if he declines for BS reasons, he has to go. With my “history” that also includes a cheating ex-husband, I can not wait months for him to meet my friends – I am still learning how to avoid these jerks what makes me still somewhat vulnerable.
AND – I will listen to my daughter, not saying she will meet every man I date, but just saying “hi” and “bye” to my date, she has a feel for people – male or female – I wish I would have that “talent”.
I dated a guy for about a month, very nice man, but no sparks on my part. My daughter really liked him and said, this is a man who is not hiding anything but I can tell you have no feelings for him. I broke it off with him, will never string a man along, that keeps him from finding the woman he will click with.
So, this man showed me and I believe it, there are good men out there, it is just a matter of finding the right one, BUT you have to let go of these EU men, married men and what ever his problem (that you can’t fix) may be and learn to enjoy yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still somewhat hurting about what happened to me or should I say what I allowed to happen to me – AND should “it” I hate to call him a man, make contact with me, I know that I will freeze or pass out.
When I look in the mirror in the mornings – I like what I see – I have more color in my face and feel better about myself.
The TENSION is gone!

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Tue, 06 May 2008 00:05:22 +0000

I agree, I think it’s important for us to rely on our gut feelings and red flags rather than have someone do that for us (if that’s what this article was about…?)

By: Sindh

Sindh — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:59:43 +0000

Neither do I – Get This I mean. Are we out there dating potential partners without even being aware of basic guidelines ? I know I went head in even when the signs were clear that this guy was verbally and emotionally abusive. I should have put my foot down at the very first sign of the HUGE Red Flag, what did I do, tried to love him harder and give him more when it was clear he did not deserve it.
There are a lot of guys out there who are so good at what they do because they have been doing it for a long time to reel us in and when we are in hook, line and sinker – Mr. Ugly comes out.
We need to grounded, spiritually and emotionally and mentally and know who we are, what are values are and what we are looking for and what we do not need and then we need to have the balls to walk away when our Gut tells us
“Something is just not right”.
Hell mine was screaming for a long long time.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:37:27 +0000

So, when did we go back to the 1800s? Sorry, I just don’t get this….?

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:13:47 +0000

NML, by my thinking, a mother would *not* be a suitable duenna. The duenna is there for a specific, focused task – to preserve the ‘daughter’s virtue. Instead of the word ‘virtue’, perhaps ‘safety’ or just ‘keep it polite and *thinking*, without groping distractions to disable making good choices.’

Mothers have a different agenda, and would certainly always be distracted by concerns of propriety, who is paying for what, grasping at gossip about his background, worrying about her daughter – or irritation at ‘opportunities’ the daughter misses to ‘catch’ a good looking or well to do guy. Family, or someone likely to gossip to family, would not work as a duenna.

And the point would be to make better choices, not to prevent sex.

By: FinallyOverIt

FinallyOverIt — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:43:32 +0000

I think we should take our pets with us on first dates–my whelsh corgi Simon is a very good judge of character!

By: NML

NML — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:33:49 +0000

It’s an interesting concept having a duenna for dating but not likely to happen. It’s quite outdated and we live in a very different world – trust me, if I had taken my mum out on dates with me, it would have been another problem to worry about. I accept that a third party can help to gauge the suitability of a partner but this is more listening to what your friends and family have to say when they meet him.