Comments on: Guest post: You gotta have friends and you gotta have respect http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Brad K. http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-226079 Brad K. Thu, 07 May 2009 02:42:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-226079 al_faf, Thanks for the kind words. When you said ", but i have fallen in to this pattern of dramas. think i started dating too soon. " - perhaps you need a mentor. A friend that is a woman, married happily. Someone - a neighbor, a friend, an aunt - that you can trust and respect, and can help you find ways to solve problems that make sense, that bring ever more respect, honor, and compassion into your life. Dating too soon - that is a tough call to make. I doubt anyone is ever really ready to date - to pick a mate, to agree to change your lives with someone in order to build a common home. I think I would identify "too soon" as before you have dealt with your baggage from past injuries and relationships, so the past doesn't poison today any more than you can help. If you can look at your partner with happiness to have him in your life - you might well be ready. But I would actively look for a woman to help you balance your needs against your past, both as a gift to him and an act of respect, and because he likely needs your help in adapting to a shared life. Luck! <abbr><em>Brad K.’s last blog post..<a href="http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2009/03/28/from-lending-money-to-protecting-your-heart/" rel="nofollow">From lending money to protecting your heart</a></abbr></em> al_faf,

Thanks for the kind words.

When you said “, but i have fallen in to this pattern of dramas. think i started dating too soon. ” – perhaps you need a mentor. A friend that is a woman, married happily. Someone – a neighbor, a friend, an aunt – that you can trust and respect, and can help you find ways to solve problems that make sense, that bring ever more respect, honor, and compassion into your life.

Dating too soon – that is a tough call to make. I doubt anyone is ever really ready to date – to pick a mate, to agree to change your lives with someone in order to build a common home. I think I would identify “too soon” as before you have dealt with your baggage from past injuries and relationships, so the past doesn’t poison today any more than you can help. If you can look at your partner with happiness to have him in your life – you might well be ready. But I would actively look for a woman to help you balance your needs against your past, both as a gift to him and an act of respect, and because he likely needs your help in adapting to a shared life.

Luck!

Brad K.’s last blog post..From lending money to protecting your heart

]]> By: al_faf http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-226066 al_faf Wed, 06 May 2009 23:42:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-226066 'Yet you are afraid to leave. You would be alone. If he doesn’t want you, after all you have tried to do, then how could anyone else? You have learned to (barely) tolerate a horrible situation – a home of disrespect. You have learned how to avoid problems in this poisoned atmosphere, and only know how to watch and respond to this one guy. Regular, respectful and responsible people, men and women, are foreigners, aliens that have no idea how your life is lived.' Brad - i know its a year late, but just wanted to say thank u for this post. it really resonated with me. u have managed to express in words exactly how i felt 2 years ago when i left my emotionally and physically abusive, controlling, manic depressive (bi polar), husband of 10 years. this site mostly deals with 'EUM's, but my ex used my low self esteem against me by being over emotional. he was completely dependant on me, making me feel needed, whilst at the same time stripping me of my 'self', draining the life out of me. Now i'm out in the 'real' world i have found it difficult to adjust. i think i have found a genuinely good guy now, but i have fallen in to this pattern of dramas. think i started dating too soon. but the new guy is very patient, and is giving me the space to sort my head out and the support and encouragement to be all that i can be. i have even started my own business with his encouragment. he never considered that i wouldnt be capable! my ex discouraged me for 7 years! telling me i dont have the experience, or i wouldnt have enough time for the family (his kids! he denied me my own!), the reasons were endless. 'Even worse, he has convinced you that he knows right from wrong, and that you don’t. And you have come to believe in what he says. After all, if he says it often enough it must be true. Right? Wrong!' to anyone that is in a long term unhealthy relationship, it's never to late to leave, and you will never regret it. even with the initial pain and anguish, it is well worth it. i can see now that leaving him was my first step to respecting myself again this website has been such a help in understanding my recent behaviour. i am so positive about the future now thanks NML, HAF, cheekie and all other contributers al_faf ‘Yet you are afraid to leave. You would be alone. If he doesn’t want you, after all you have tried to do, then how could anyone else? You have learned to (barely) tolerate a horrible situation – a home of disrespect. You have learned how to avoid problems in this poisoned atmosphere, and only know how to watch and respond to this one guy. Regular, respectful and responsible people, men and women, are foreigners, aliens that have no idea how your life is lived.’

Brad – i know its a year late, but just wanted to say thank u for this post. it really resonated with me. u have managed to express in words exactly how i felt 2 years ago when i left my emotionally and physically abusive, controlling, manic depressive (bi polar), husband of 10 years.

this site mostly deals with ‘EUM’s, but my ex used my low self esteem against me by being over emotional. he was completely dependant on me, making me feel needed, whilst at the same time stripping me of my ‘self’, draining the life out of me.

Now i’m out in the ‘real’ world i have found it difficult to adjust. i think i have found a genuinely good guy now, but i have fallen in to this pattern of dramas. think i started dating too soon. but the new guy is very patient, and is giving me the space to sort my head out and the support and encouragement to be all that i can be. i have even started my own business with his encouragment. he never considered that i wouldnt be capable! my ex discouraged me for 7 years! telling me i dont have the experience, or i wouldnt have enough time for the family (his kids! he denied me my own!), the reasons were endless.

‘Even worse, he has convinced you that he knows right from wrong, and that you don’t. And you have come to believe in what he says. After all, if he says it often enough it must be true. Right? Wrong!’

to anyone that is in a long term unhealthy relationship, it’s never to late to leave, and you will never regret it. even with the initial pain and anguish, it is well worth it. i can see now that leaving him was my first step to respecting myself again

this website has been such a help in understanding my recent behaviour. i am so positive about the future now

thanks NML, HAF, cheekie and all other contributers

al_faf

]]> By: De http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-190013 De Thu, 18 Sep 2008 05:58:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-190013 “For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.” Hi Brad, I just wanted to say..I read the messages pretty much every night because I am trying to strengthen myself in all the ways you say here. I did want to say something about this paragraph. I have been fortunate to have two good relationships in my life. THEN I got married (I was brought up to believe marriage was forever and you fought for it (thank god thats changed!! :) to a nightmare... bit by bit he wore me down. Thing is there was always this tiny tiny voice in the back of my mind saying, 'no he's wrong, it's not like that'. It took me along time and a lot of disrespect and abuse to realize this voice was a reminder of love, of something I had experienced before this voice was what saved me. I remember one day sitting, by this time my body was bent to the ground from the berating, the cheating, the lies. I had lost my mind and my voice to the point where if I opened it to speak he would say ah! and I would close it. He treated me worse than a dog. All I had left was this tiny voice inside my head speaking to me. This one day I remember thinking 'when was the last time you were happy De', you know I couldn't remember. Can you imagine someone has that kind of power that they wipe your memory of the last time you smiled. I searched and searched, I even ran away to another country to find some space and peace to be alone to hear that voice, I prayed and prayed and then I remembered I had had good respectful loving relationships once. That was my shining beacon, that was what got me out. I wanted to be happy again. And I worked at it and I am :) I just wanted to say....even if you have been disrespected and abused you still have the power to make a firm decision. with respect De “For some with impeccable self-knowledge, belief in the good in life, and secure in their lives, making a firm decision is all that is required. But then, they haven’t lived in a world of disrespect, and cannot understand the difference.”

Hi Brad,

I just wanted to say..I read the messages pretty much every night because I am trying to strengthen myself in all the ways you say here.

I did want to say something about this paragraph.

I have been fortunate to have two good relationships in my life. THEN I got married (I was brought up to believe marriage was forever and you fought for it (thank god thats changed!! :) to a nightmare… bit by bit he wore me down.

Thing is there was always this tiny tiny voice in the back of my mind saying, ‘no he’s wrong, it’s not like that’.

It took me along time and a lot of disrespect and abuse to realize this voice was a reminder of love, of something I had experienced before this voice was what saved me. I remember one day sitting, by this time my body was bent to the ground from the berating, the cheating, the lies. I had lost my mind and my voice to the point where if I opened it to speak he would say ah! and I would close it. He treated me worse than a dog. All I had left was this tiny voice inside my head speaking to me. This one day I remember thinking ‘when was the last time you were happy De’, you know I couldn’t remember. Can you imagine someone has that kind of power that they wipe your memory of the last time you smiled.
I searched and searched, I even ran away to another country to find some space and peace to be alone to hear that voice, I prayed and prayed and then I remembered I had had good respectful loving relationships once. That was my shining beacon, that was what got me out. I wanted to be happy again. And I worked at it and I am :)

I just wanted to say….even if you have been disrespected and abused you still have the power to make a firm decision.

with respect

De

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]]> By: It’s About Making Babies! » Blog Archive » So, what *do* you do with a drunken sailor?? http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-180255 It’s About Making Babies! » Blog Archive » So, what *do* you do with a drunken sailor?? Thu, 14 Aug 2008 14:00:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-180255 [...] think you need several good, trusted friends before you are allowed to date. But let’s consider a Buddy System for [...] [...] think you need several good, trusted friends before you are allowed to date. But let’s consider a Buddy System for [...]

]]> By: HeartbrokeKid http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-179536 HeartbrokeKid Mon, 11 Aug 2008 23:04:18 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-179536 I think it's imperative that in a break up or not, we surround ourselves with morally healthy, spirittually connected (not necessarily religious) people. I have a few really good-hearted, sincere people in my life that give off a certain energy of positivity and comfort. In hard times, these are the individuals that remind me that this is what I should strive for and also look for in a partner. They inspire me to better myself, not stoop down to levels of desperation and fear, which is what our EUM's inevitably do to us. I think it’s imperative that in a break up or not, we surround ourselves with morally healthy, spirittually connected (not necessarily religious) people. I have a few really good-hearted, sincere people in my life that give off a certain energy of positivity and comfort. In hard times, these are the individuals that remind me that this is what I should strive for and also look for in a partner. They inspire me to better myself, not stoop down to levels of desperation and fear, which is what our EUM’s inevitably do to us.

]]> By: Sindh http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151128 Sindh Fri, 25 Apr 2008 00:43:29 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151128 We teach them how to treat us, it is learned. It is an act they put on in the start. Come on guys people do not go from being nice to mean in a matter of months. I was nice when I met him, nice when I was him and not morped into a bunny boiling physco after he lied, cheated and deceived me because that is who we are, we are nice people but like NML said. People have a tendency to to take advantage of those who do not know how to give. Calls, emails, texts, gifts, visits every month and then wham it stops and when I ask why he says he's busy. In the end all I had to go on was a call every night. This was long distant so here I was still doing and handling everything alone with no moral, emotional, physical support but I was supposed to be ready and available once he got into town. That is why it is so important to hammer in the boundaries right in from the start and that is exactly what I plan to do. It is going to be about US, not just HIM or just ME . . . US Take it or freekin leave it. We teach them how to treat us, it is learned. It is an act they put on in the start. Come on guys people do not go from being nice to mean in a matter of months. I was nice when I met him, nice when I was him and not morped into a bunny boiling physco after he lied, cheated and deceived me because that is who we are, we are nice people but like NML said. People have a tendency to to take advantage of those who do not know how to give.
Calls, emails, texts, gifts, visits every month and then wham it stops and when I ask why he says he’s busy. In the end all I had to go on was a call every night. This was long distant so here I was still doing and handling everything alone with no moral, emotional, physical support but I was supposed to be ready and available once he got into town.
That is why it is so important to hammer in the boundaries right in from the start and that is exactly what I plan to do. It is going to be about
US, not just HIM or just ME . . . US
Take it or freekin leave it.

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151046 FinallyOverIt Thu, 24 Apr 2008 19:30:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151046 I think in the "dating game", both parties put their best foot forward to try to get the other to fall in love with them. It's kind of like the "law of nature" in the love game. Then, when they know they "have" you and that you are all crazy in love with them, then they don't have to really try anymore because they know they have thrown their fishing line in the water and have caught you, and that's when their true self emerges. And if you're lucky, that true self is even better than the person they were when they are trying to "get" you. But, as we all know, sometimes that isn't the case. But if you think about it, there are A LOT of happy couples in the world, so there HAS to be good men out there who don't play these games, right? (I sure hope so, or I am going to be really depressed!) I think in the “dating game”, both parties put their best foot forward to try to get the other to fall in love with them. It’s kind of like the “law of nature” in the love game. Then, when they know they “have” you and that you are all crazy in love with them, then they don’t have to really try anymore because they know they have thrown their fishing line in the water and have caught you, and that’s when their true self emerges. And if you’re lucky, that true self is even better than the person they were when they are trying to “get” you. But, as we all know, sometimes that isn’t the case. But if you think about it, there are A LOT of happy couples in the world, so there HAS to be good men out there who don’t play these games, right? (I sure hope so, or I am going to be really depressed!)

]]> By: Karen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151041 Karen Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:20:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151041 It really makes you wonder - are they consciously putting on an act in the beginning or is that who they really are, but they lose interest and don't put forth the effort anymore. Or do they just try to see how much they can get away with and how much you will put up with? It really makes you wonder – are they consciously putting on an act in the beginning or is that who they really are, but they lose interest and don’t put forth the effort anymore. Or do they just try to see how much they can get away with and how much you will put up with?

]]> By: Kim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151038 Kim Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:18:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151038 Karen - I TOTALLY agree with that. I believe that is why NML says these guys are so dangerous. Unless you see those red flags & know what they mean you are already 'hooked" & that makes it much harder to leave. It really is misleading. I was hook line & sinker before I realized what I was dealing with. He said things to me no other man had. He was a prince then slowly started showing his true colors. Karen – I TOTALLY agree with that. I believe that is why NML says these guys are so dangerous. Unless you see those red flags & know what they mean you are already ‘hooked” & that makes it much harder to leave. It really is misleading. I was hook line & sinker before I realized what I was dealing with. He said things to me no other man had. He was a prince then slowly started showing his true colors.

]]> By: Karen http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151028 Karen Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:18:16 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151028 FinallyOverIt, I agree that we teach men how to treat us by condoning bad behavior. The thing is, they do it so gradually. In the beginning they on on their best behavior so that we fall in love. Then when they start acting up we forgive it because we are already hooked. I know that is how it happened with my last boyfriend. He was a prince in the beginning but gradually he began to take advantage of me. My self esteem gradually was lowered too. I didn't even notice it happening. FinallyOverIt, I agree that we teach men how to treat us by condoning bad behavior. The thing is, they do it so gradually. In the beginning they on on their best behavior so that we fall in love. Then when they start acting up we forgive it because we are already hooked. I know that is how it happened with my last boyfriend. He was a prince in the beginning but gradually he began to take advantage of me. My self esteem gradually was lowered too. I didn’t even notice it happening.

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151017 FinallyOverIt Thu, 24 Apr 2008 15:02:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151017 I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And I believe that there is a correlation between "disrespect" and "devaluing". If we have self-esteem, self-love issues within us, we gravitate toward others that will fulfill this opinion of ourselves. Which also plays into who we choose to love. These men that have no respect for us, or our friends, are basically treating us the way we are teaching them to--not consciously, but on some deeper level. We shouldn't condone this behavior, but we cannot forget to also look at what part we are playing in it, also. I am trying really hard lately to focus on ME and how I can change these negative patterns in my life, and begin to form healthy, reciprocal, loving (and respectful!) relationships. I believe that we teach people how to treat us. And I believe that there is a correlation between “disrespect” and “devaluing”. If we have self-esteem, self-love issues within us, we gravitate toward others that will fulfill this opinion of ourselves. Which also plays into who we choose to love. These men that have no respect for us, or our friends, are basically treating us the way we are teaching them to–not consciously, but on some deeper level. We shouldn’t condone this behavior, but we cannot forget to also look at what part we are playing in it, also. I am trying really hard lately to focus on ME and how I can change these negative patterns in my life, and begin to form healthy, reciprocal, loving (and respectful!) relationships.

]]> By: Kim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-151000 Kim Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:19:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-151000 Astelle - thx for the help. We are not together but if you mean "get rid of him" by not dewlling on the past I agree with you. I am doing much better thx to this site. It has helped the healing immensely just by reading other people's comments & doing just what you did by helping to answer my questions since you have been there. Brad - thx for the comment. I'm just trying to break the "poor" me mentality. Yes what he did hurt & it is ok to acknowledge that but I also want to acknowledge that I am learning I didn't deserve it. I guess I don't need for everyone else to know that so you are right in that respect. I guess typing it helps me believe it. I appreciate the support! Astelle – thx for the help. We are not together but if you mean “get rid of him” by not dewlling on the past I agree with you. I am doing much better thx to this site. It has helped the healing immensely just by reading other people’s comments & doing just what you did by helping to answer my questions since you have been there.

Brad – thx for the comment. I’m just trying to break the “poor” me mentality. Yes what he did hurt & it is ok to acknowledge that but I also want to acknowledge that I am learning I didn’t deserve it. I guess I don’t need for everyone else to know that so you are right in that respect. I guess typing it helps me believe it. I appreciate the support!

]]> By: Sindh http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-150958 Sindh Thu, 24 Apr 2008 06:49:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-150958 Ooops sorry, I meant you Brad. Thanks for the post. I sure relate to it. Ooops sorry, I meant you Brad. Thanks for the post. I sure relate to it.

]]> By: Sindh http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/guest-post-you-gotta-have-friends-and-you-gotta-have-respect/comment-page-1/#comment-150950 Sindh Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:23:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1036#comment-150950 Astelle I did, I set the tune to this macabre dance and he knew I would simply because I always have. It got really, really bad which brings me to NML's point : "That disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt." Yeah that was me, he had none for nor for any women. I should have taken to my heels when I heard him make nasty mean remarks about women, what did I do instead Kiss this frog and hope he'd change into a prince ? Astelle
I did, I set the tune to this macabre dance and he knew I would simply because I always have. It got really, really bad which brings me to NML’s point :
“That disrespect always gets worse, until someone gets hurt.”
Yeah that was me, he had none for nor for any women. I should have taken to my heels when I heard him make nasty mean remarks about women, what did I do instead
Kiss this frog and hope he’d change into a prince ?

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