Guy friends vs. Girl friends
December 27, 2005 by Special Dark
I am more fortunate than most to have very good friends of both genders. Both sets of friends are loyal, reliable and there for me when I need them the most. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed distinct differences between the inner workings of each group.
The Guy Code
Above all else, the first rule of the guy code states: “If your guy friend has a chance to hook-up with a woman, you must let him, no matter what your plans with him happen to be. This rule shall supersede all others in the Guy Handbook without question”.
Men want their other male (and female) friends to be happy with someone of the opposite sex because they know, from experience, how hard it is to get that someone special. Men are in solidarity with one another when it comes to that sort of thing.
The Gal Code
While women are very supportive of each other, maybe even more than men, they require retaining of their priority status and assume that spending time together is part of that. I know someone who recently had a conversation with one of his girl friends and she told him, in no uncertain terms, that if he was dating someone new it was not okay to spend time with that other girl when he was supposed to be spending time with her. While I was aware of this tendency before this incident, I’d never heard of it leading to an actual conflict in someone’s friendship.
Some long-term female friends feel that when their friends (guy or girl) decide to spend time with someone new instead of them, that the other person is choosing the shiny new “whim” versus a proven friend. They get offended that the novelty of the new outweighs the consistency of the old. Now, I grant you, it is a completely unacceptable situation to spend so much of your time, energy and resources on a new love interest that you’re no longer able to be a good friend. However failing to acknowledge that newer relationships, by their very nature, take more work and effort than older ones, is just plain unrealistic. This is especially true for guys who have to work hard to prove themselves to the new women they date in order for trust to really take hold.
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From my perspective I don’t think you are devaluing your older friends when you spend time talking with a new flame. This is why:
Let’s say that you only have 40 hours of free time per week for personal stuff (assuming that you get home at 6 pm and stay awake until 10pm [on week nights] and have 10 hours for each day of the weekend = [4 hrs per day Mon- Fri.] 20 + [Sat.]10 + [Sun.]10 = 40 hrs.)
Now with those 40 hours you have to do things like shower, eat, go the lavatory and run menial errands. So let’s knock your available time down to 32 hrs.
Of that, you are trying to establish a new relationship so you go out to a dinner two nights a week, talk on the phone, send little cutesy e-mails, etc. This takes time if it’s going really well, and could take 15 hours of your time away from any other activity. Whereas just talking to your friend on the phone, since you’re not building a relationship, simply maintaining one, takes an average of 3 hours a week (and since you have multiple older friends it’s not so simple as only 3 hours because you’d have to multiply it against however many friendships, family relationships, etc. you are maintaining).
As you can see the newer relationship is taking up five times more time than the old one and the combination of the two types of relationships leaves you with very little time exclusively for you. But that’s only in the front-end. Eventually maintaining a romance will become much easier because, instead of having to block off time, you two start sharing your lives with one another. So instead of getting a call in the middle of a date that you can’t take, eventually (once formal relationships been established for awhile) you get to the point where you can even invite friends with you on your outings with your new consort.
What I’m saying is that if someone is your friend, they should be looking out for your best interest even if it means sacrificing some of their comfort. It would be wrong to throw away a time tested friendship for only the potential of a romantic partner, but it’s also not right for someone you care about to confine you to not being able to give the appropriate amount of attention to a fledging romance. Make sure the balance is maintained and don’t be afraid to force the issue if it becomes necessary. If they really are your friends, they’ll understand eventually.
Special Dark is a special blend of intelligence, wit, and an irreverant sense of humor that has strong views on women and relationships. Originally descended from the Alpha Male class of the society, he has suited up on debonair charm and retained his gentlemanly ways to the consternation of the rest of his species.
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