He broke up with me: Is he an assclown?

I love the fact that no matter what the circumstances of the breakup, you continue to say, “IT IS OVER”. Period. Whether he is an assclown, you are, or both…it did not work. PERIOD. End of story. Every story has an ending in death. Death of the person, or death of the so called relationship. It is done. You say it, and say it, and still the excuses fly. The buts never seem to end. Take time to fix whatever is wrong with yourself, and then try again, but…

Yeah exactly… we can WANT, WANT, WANT all we WANT… but that isn’t going to change the fact that the man chooses to feel a different way about you… and that all convincing in the world on youe end, all the desire, all the lust and fantasing, does not change reality you need to accept and honor his wants too.

“guy treats you like crap till you get sick of him and dump him, cheat on you, or dump you and then keep trying to keep a foothold in your life so he can get you to break him off a piece when it suits.”

Yup, mine was definitely an assclown.

But it´s good to be reminded that not every guy is. Sometimes it just doens´t work. And that´s OK, as long as you treat each other with respect, even in breaking up.

It’s like that Bonnie Raitt song “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” I mean, what are you going to do? I would be annoyed if my past exes villainized me for simply moving on, especially if no unfaithfulness was involved.

Tiffany @ Engagement 101’s last blog post..5 signs your engagement is doomed

Well, respecting the assclown’s feelings is quite difficult – esp when one never treats your feelings with respect!

While I agree that just because someone leaves you does not make him an assclown, however, I think that a man who walks away without an explanation is an assclown. There is never any excuse for impolite behavior.

As Alika stated, if you really want to hurt or punish someone, just disappear without an explanation. Yeah, that makes someone an assclown. Well put.

See, if we all faced reality, and spoke the truth of that reality, then we would all be better off. Then, each person in the relationship could choose. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have engaged in the relationship for the great sex, but I can say that I will never know what I would have done, because my choices were taken away from me. Had both of my long term relationships been truly open, we might have actually found real and lasting love, but alas, each of them kept just enough to themselves, and just enough from me, that I will never know. And, neither will they.

In one man’s case, he did say he was sorry, and he hoped it wasn’t too late – and he meant it. The thing is . . . it was too late. The other guy. . . he never said. And although I know it wasn’t anything I did, etc., I still wonder, “What is it that happened to him in his life, that he thinks it is okay to walk away without so much as a goodbye?”

When I read posts about someone saying that their “lover” broke up with them in an e.mail . . . What I wouldn’t give for that small token.

Does that make any sense?

Yes, I not only imagine. I know. One year later, and I still don’t know. He just quit calling; I met with him and he said, “I want this [relationship] to work. I know you don’t think I’ve done anything [to make it work], but I’ve done a lot. Yes, I do want to be with you.”

Three months later, nothing really had changed, so I had to be the one to say, “This is over. I can no longer take the rejection. Everything that you said you wanted is sitting here in front of you, and you choose to walk away . . . everytime.”

I thought that my walking away would give me closure, but it didn’t. I’m not built that way.

I want the truth. I really think that the truth would be less painful. For me anyway, the truth would be less painful. It would be a tangible thing that I could wrap my head around.

I know I didn’t do anything and my self-esteem is not shattered by this, but my heart was broken, and this lack of information really prolongs my healing.

So, even though he seemed to be a nice man, caring . . .

I don’t know . . . a man who walks away, without so much as a goodbye . . . is he decent? Or is he an assclown. I used to think that he was just a confused and lonely man, but to not “hold” his responsibility – - yeah, assclown.

My comment was in response to what I interpreted the main point of NML’s post: that just because a man chooses to leave you and break off the relationship does not automatically make him and a**clown. In relatively healthy relationships if one person no longer wants to be with you and they have the decency to talk about it with you and then leaves, what can you do? Nothing but accept their decision and move on. What makes the person an a**clown is if, for example, they string you along and then disappear or they start treating you poorly hoping that you will leave and they won’t have to do anything. However, in either scenario, whether the man says it’s over or he behaves in a manner that indicates he is no longer interested, the fact is he wants out and no longer wants you. A difficult thing to accept, I agree, but one that we must accept. As NML asked in the post, why would you want to be with a man who has said or indicated through his behavior that he no longer wants you? I didn’t say respect the a**clown, I said respect his feelings that he no longer wants to be with you and move on. Paradoxicaly, you also respect yourself b/c you’ve chosen to see and be in reality and make yourself available for somone who does want you. Wishing, hoping or wanting it to be different won’t make it so.

Sorry, I also meant to add that since I’ve changed my thinking about the guy I’m with, we have gotten along much better. We’ve been back together for over a month (for me that is a miracle) and there have not been any stupid fights or arguments. I am being “careful” with him and he is returning the favor. I havent felt this happy in a long time.

But … as he is who he is and the way he is, there is a great chance that one day he’ll pull the rug out from under me and tell me he’s done. I feel strong enough now that I will let him go. If he told me this weekend, I’d hurt, but I’d walk and not look back.

We all have an inner strength that we can pull from. I finally found mine. No matter what he chooses to do, I’ll be okay.

The same works for a man who SAYS he wants to be with you…. but his ACTIONS are completely the opposite. See there are many ways this scenario can take place— but it all leads to the same thing…. you having to accept the truth/reality and then work on letting that go (easier said than done I agree). If the man disappears– it sucks, if he is nice and has the decency to let you know he no longer wants u– it sucks, if he doesnt tell you— and in fact continues to tell you that he wants to be with you all along cheating behind your back (like it happened with me) it still SUCKS!!! So tell me which way is better? There isnt a “better or easier” way! Rejection sucks regardless of what form it comes in. The key is in how WE ourselves are able to handle rejection. We have to learn how to deal with it because it is a fact of life. Do you wan to be the woman who allows the door to close and walks away with her integrity still in tact (notice i did not mention anything about not hurting) or you want to be the woman who sits and obsesses and obsesses and allows herself to remain stuck wtih the why’s? The question always has to come back to US! Yes– he may have been an A**clown, he may have not, but the reality does not change…. that we have to DEAL with being rejected and that is something a lot of us are not willing to DEAL with. We instead rather continue to focus on what he could have done or not done, or worse… what we should have done or said or not done or not said– these are all AVOIDANCE tactics to get us AWAY from the real issue– which is…… You have been rejected,,, focus on the things inside of YOU that cause you to not deal with this very well or that keeps you “STUCK” in it for a long period of time.There are women out there that range from saying: Oh well his loss…. and move on within days and then there is the other extreme of women who go as far as stalking them because they cannot deal with their own issues and pain. Either way– it has to do with how we choose to deal with it thats why closure has nothing to do with “THEM” and everything to do with “US”.

Elizabeth: you think that if you got “an answer” from him you would feel better…….but trust me…..it would just open up so many other questions in your mind because then you would have more things to blame yourself for or ask yourself. If he said he just didnt think you were funny enough…. you would then proceed to tell yourself how this is true……and perhaps even replay the whole relationship in your mind (again– this is not beneficial to your healing either– in fact, its worse!) and then the next guy that comes along and rejects you might say something else……. are you going to blame and or try to change that about yourself as well?? We cannot tie our self value to what others think of us. If we do, we are constantly at their whim and we will never learn what it really means to have “healthy self esteem” because that is the real issue here…. lack of self esteem. If you had more confidence in yourself (heck if we all had more confidence in ourselves) you would not be asking these questions nor would you need an explanation or goodbye from him. You would simply know how fabulous you are and wouldnt need anyone else to confirm nor deny it for you.

I know you wish the ending would have been more “respectful” or that each party that we encounter is truthful and open and honest— because it would be soo much easier (and yes that could be true) but you are still not focusing on what the real issue here is….. this man didnt say goodbye…. nothing is going to change that……and you need to deal with being able to come to terms with that not with wheter or not that makes him an A**clown or whether or not that makes him “decent”… who cares about him! You were a wonderful person to him who opened your heart and took a chance and only expected respect and honesty in return and you didnt get it…. shame on him!!! and let it go.
I hope this did not come across harsh. Believe me, rejection is EXTREMELY hard for everyone!……. but once you get that it isnt about them or the closure that you “think” you need in order to move forward……..you empower yourself to start working on what you need to do to love yourself more and really heal. I truly mean all of this with a kind and caring heart because I am still learning and dealing with this myself but can see that you are “stuck”… Yes– read the post on validation like Gaynor said…… i think that will help a lot!

You are all correct.

I should be over him by now. I have no illusions. I know all of this. My task is to move on. I never ever wanted anyone who didn’t want me. But, yet, here I am. My task is to heal me and figure out how I got hooked.

This blog has helped; by telling my story, outside of my circle of friends, over and over again, has helped. Each time I gain insight to me. He is who he is, and he will never change. It is clear that I am addicted to him. That is why I will adhere to the NC. I have not built an immunity.

Please, continue to point out the obvious to me. It does help.

I said he appeared to be kind and caring; alas, how kind and caring could he be when he opted out of the relationship, but left me to be the one to end it? He wasn’t a kind and caring man. He wasn’t a respectful man. He played me, and I allowed myself to be played.
This man is an assclown. He will never change, and he will never carry his obnoxious and hurtful behavior.

I do not want to be in this predictament again. My relationship with him cost me dearly. It traumatized me, and I refuse to put myself through this again. Refuse. There is some serious work that I need to do in order for that to happen.

Gaynor: You were correct about the validation issues. That’s my problem. I know all of this. I get all of this. I cannot seem to figure out why I am stuck. I don’t even want him anymore. I really don’t. I let go of the illusion, but . . . here I sit, ruminating.

So, please, folks, continue to bring up anything, as it pertains to the article and the issue of the current blog. It has helped immensely.

Astelle: Yes, I know that it is over. Yes, I now realize that he was never in the relationship, even though it was a relationship – it was not one imagined in my head. This was not some fantasy after a man called me two or three times and then we had a drink. We knew each other for eight months before the 2 and 1/2 year period began. This was one with plans for a house, etc. Neither he nor I wanted marriage, as we had both been in long term marriages, and both realized that marriage does not a commitment make.

How did he disappear? After two and one half years, he stopped initiating phone contact. As I am not one to chase, I didn’t call him, immediately, but approximately one week later, I asked for a meeting with him so that I could inquire as to what had changed, in his life, that caused this sudden stop of communication.

He agreed to a meeting. We met. He told me that he became busy in his new job, that we talked often enough, and that even though he didn’t call his children everyday he still had a relationship with them. I would have to understand that this was a transition period in his life. However, he did realize that his behavior was hurtful, that he wanted to continue the relationship, but he wasn’t sure as to when he would be able to move on with the plans.

My response to that comment about his children was, “Although I don’t have to talk to you everyday, we both know that not calling your children on a daily basis is different than a situation between a couple.”

My next comment was, “If you want to end this relationship, tell me now, and although I want a relationship with you, I will move on.”

His response, “I want the relationship. I want to conquer – not his exact words – his own issues, so that there can be an us. I hope that I can get my issues resolved in time for an us.”

Fair enough. My mistake was in contacting him after a few weeks as to see where he was with this whole issue. Yes, he says, he wants to continue, and yes we can meet on such and such a date.

Well, when such and such a date arrived, I finally realized that two and one half years of my life had passed, and that the script was the same. I knew that I had to get rid of my addiction to him. What does all of the literature say? It says to stop cold turkey. I told him that we would not be seeing each other anymore, as he had already rejected me enough and that I could no longer continue to put myself in that position.

That was eleven months ago. There has been absolutely no contact for six months. There has been the awkward, “Hi. How are you?” in the past two months, as business has dictated that we run into each other on occasion.

So, I still say that he is an assclown, as he didn’t follow a respectful course of letting me know that he wanted to move on.

I get that I didn’t do anything. I get that he didn’t want me. I did not once beg for him to return, etc. I pined for him for a long time, but I know that we wouldn’t have worked, because he didn’t address his issues, and that he is who he is. He will never change.

I just don’t get why my heart is still broken.

Lisa, I am really sorry for your break-up…10 years is a long time…Maybe your man has a second thoughts and started to compare you with his new girl??? Ask yourself questions which NML stated above. What makes me angry, why he didn’t accept concelling? I think, it worth saving 10 years relationship! DO you want him back?

Elizabeth, I think your man is an Assclown…why he gave your all these promises to sort himself out??? IT was another way to say “goodbye”, he was a coward and couldn’t accept responsibility, it was easy for him to disappear and leave you wondering , just like my ex:-( What a losers!!!

I wish you all the best:-)

I think he thought i would play by his rules…be friends and get on with life, but still hang out. no thanks. its all or nothing. maybe one day we can be friends again, but not while i still have feelings…i am not going to fake it for the sake of everyone thinking this was mutual.

Lisa: I think that ACs try to stay in our “psyches” – a form of control. Ultimately, they can’t make a decision, so they vacillate back and forth, in various ways, between two women – so that they are not alone. So, I don’t think that we can end up being friends with an ex ass-clown. I tried, and that is what actually kept me hooked. He was not emotionally healthy, and because of him, I ended up becoming emotionally unhealthy. It will take me a long time to get over this. Many lessons learned, but it permanently changed me.

Thing is, even with another woman, the ACs are really alone, because they don’t connect on a heart to heart level. If you yourself are an emotionally available person, you get “managed down” as NML says, and then I think that you become a bit EU yourself. If you look deep, you might know that he never really connected in the same way that you did – beyond the differences of how men and women relate.

All of his problems aside, and all of your problems aside, and all of my problems aside, my heart still hurts, and I’m sure yours does too. I loved and I loved deeply, and my heart needs to heal from the inside out. I have had only two long term relationships – both with EU men. In the case of my husband, it was mild, but I now know he was EU. When I became uncentered with him, it was only for a short time, etc. The husband was not an assclown, but even though we were married for 27 years, and never really fought, until the last three. We just grew into different people and disconnected. It wasn’t until after I was away from him that I realized we both kept parts of ourselves away from the other – and thus, how could we have really connected.

The second man – the one whom I’m still trying to get over – is an assclown. He really is a very tortured person. You can see it. I wasn’t attracted initially, but he knew how to ensnare me, and he knew how to keep me hooked. I became addicted to him, and that is why it is so hard to kick.

This blog has helped me immensely. I’ve been reading for over a year, and only recently commenting, but by telling my story, I am sorting out my issues. I believe I read somewhere, that in clinical counseling sessions, across the US, the EU man is the number one reason women seek counseling.

OMG, if he left, even if it was without explanation, then let him go. Would hearing the exact reasons why he felt you weren’t enough for him make you feel better in the long run? Probably not. Him closing the door on the relationship was your “closure”. And it’s not always up for discussion or debate. Move on. And if you’ve noticed that relationships like this are your pattern, then do some serious self evaluation before pursuing a new one. Stop the whining and bitching about what “the last man did”. If you continue to allow yourself to hurt and love someone that didn’t love you long after the relationship has ended, then at that point the only one you can blame for your hurt is yourself.

btw, he is not approaching me for sex. nor would i offer it if we weren’t in an exclusive relationship again. all i’ve had are the ‘i want to be friends’, ‘i want to tell you how i feel’, ‘i want to talk about what we’ve both been going through’ and now ‘i’ve changed’.

all he has offered is to talk again.

Lisa, perhaps I missed a post but I haven´t read what kind of relationship you had with this guy. You wrote you have been together for 10 years? Do you recognize him as an EUM now that you have read NMLs posts on EUMs? Did he get involved with this new girlfriend before breaking up? Did he actually say he wanted to break up or did he just dissapear?
Or was it a real committed relationship and was he generally a nice guy who broke up with you?

If it is the latter than it is not weird and even very understandable that a breakup after 10 years is not going to be without some emotional struggle on his or your part, it does not make him an assclown perse. Some talking is not nessecarily a bad thing after 10 years if it was a real committed relationship. As long as you know what you want and set up your boundaries. If he was an EUM and the 10 years cost you dearly than No Contact is the way. Good luck.

Astelle, of course I came to this website b/c of him. He is a EUM in every sense of the word. I’m probably foolish to put myself back “in” it, but at least this time I feel like my eyes are wide open. I know what I’m getting into – it’s risky, I’ll admit.

Like a friend of mine said, you arent ready until you are ready … it took me 13 years to be “ready” to divorce my husband. Yeah, a lot of time went by, but not wasted b/c I have children from the union. Not one regret do i have in leaving him. Not one morsel of feeling to I have for him. I waited until the well ran dry – but I was done.

I think I’m doing the same thing with this guy … it wont last 13 years though, I promise! I’m almost ready to end this on my own and forever – not quite yet. May be soon now though… we spent a very nice weekend together. But as I was leaving and giving him a hug today, I asked (sweetly) Do you love me? ….. he was like a deer caught in the headlights …. “I like you a lot. You are a sweet girl.” I stared him in the face and said, okay, but do you love me? He stammered around and said “yea, yea, I do”. I said, ok, and left.

It seemed so incredibly PAINful for him to admit that – to say it – for the words to come out of his mouth. Bleck. Maybe he was lying and didnt want to start a fight – maybe he really does but doesnt want me to know. But when I got in my car and drove home, I didnt cry. l went over in my head how I’ll tell him tomorrow that he didnt really convince me and ask for the truth. I’m going to tell him that if he doesnt love me, I’m done – I want out. If he hasnt figured it out after almost 3 years, he never will. The feeling of ambivilance is growing inside me. Say some prayers for me.
annied

It’s been six years and I still wonder what the hell happened. In the end, I didn’t want an explanation of what went wrong, I just wanted back the relationship that I thought I had. It turned out to be fantasy relationship and it was wonderful! I loved the way I felt about myself when I was with him. Over time I learned those positive feelings really lived in me – he didn’t give them to me. Assclown or good guy? Didn’t really matter. The guy is gone and he’s never coming back.

so what does an assclown make? lets consider the term..ass means rather stinky behavior including, but not limited to…rude, indifferent, or insensitive, A clown is silly little man, usually sad, insecure and not really all that funny. An assclown usually behaves like one whilst in the ‘chip and continues that behavior all the way through to the break up.

So whether a relationship is in progress, going bad, or ending, the difference between a man and as assclown is that a man will attempt to speak to you intelligently, with understanding and compassion for both his feelings and your feelings, while an assclown will do or say something silly, mean, avoidant or ignorant, just like he has likely done all along.

To me, the opposite of an assclown is a man. As I work though no contact with the clown I encountered, I remind myself of this distinction every day, and also remind myself that I want men in my life, not clowns,

maybe he’s seeing things clearer now that we have been apart for a while, maybe not. it seems all talk to me unless he takes action and makes a commitment.

De, that’s an interesting way to look at any relationship; there should be some qualities one looks for in an applicant, from both sides. We need to work to be the best people we can be, and look for others actually doing the same.

I’ll add what I have learned about the evaluation process. FTR I have only met decent and normal men for four decades of my dating life. When I met the assclown I am dealing with now ( I am in week 3 of NC) he told me he was a misanthrope. I laughed and thought he was joking; I have never known anyone who actually claimed to dislike people. That was big mistake #1. Of course, at the same time he has a extra strong need for contact, but then can’t really handle it when he gets it. I ignored several other red flags, all involving really unique juvenile behavior from a 50+ year old man, and I actually thought he was joking every time I encountered his worst behavior.

But what makes him a clown is that he is too silly to try to learn and grow from his weaknesses. I think thats why strong, smart women can get tangled with these guys sometimes. I for one, have never known anyone who did not want to work on self improvement. To me a big part of life is all about working and learning from hard stuff. I just assume everyone else has this drive. And know what ? most people I have met do. The men I have broken off relationships with in the past were not assclowns, there was mutual recognition that the relationship was not built to last and we shift gears and remain friends who are not in a romantic relationship.

But, this one was different, wanting and not wanting, communciating and not communicating, taking and not giving, all the while being cold much more often than warm. I know I will never fall for this type of clown again. And you can be sure I will recognize an assclown early on in the future.

Part of the blame certainly falls upon me, believing in his potential, and assuming he , like every other person I know would WANT to work on dealing with his stuff. In that respect, I would give any decent man who may have issues,but is willing to address them and do the work, a fair chance. But if he is an ass, in any way, that will be a big red flag for me.

I leave this whole thing sadder and wiser. Sadder because one does want to see another human develop their potential. Wiser because this was a reminder that we can offer to help another, but in the end a person has to do their own work. And some people are going thru life as lazy silly clowns.

Aphrogirl..

I hear you I totally hold myself responsible for not seeing or listening to the red flags, betting on potential and most of all thinking if I give it will come back. Sadly the past 4 almost relationships I have had have been with he same kind of guy. I have in each case managed to extract myself in shorter time each time. First took 5 years of back and forward, second 2 and a half years ( this was the wake up call one) third 6 months. The fourth has been in and out during the past six years in between these others, my fall back guy and I his fall back girl. This last time with him, I have managed to quit within two weeks. I guess my message was me saying to myself enough is enough with this type of man. Like you I also believe people should work on themselves and I do, oh my god. I’m just stunned that I see a sweet smile and a look of attraction toward me and think this is possibly the one, aargg… so mad with myself for duping myself. I want to wake up and make better choices, I know I deserve it. Still learning Before these guys I didn’t date for around 8 years, got burnt in a marriage and it took that long after it to heal and work on myself before I ventured out, thought I was ready, maybe not. Can’t believe I still can’t seem to get it right.

De, you last line says so much..when you say you can’t beleive you still can’t get it right… I think maybe you are getting it right. I am not trying to be morose, but I am starting to wonder if getting it right is really being OK with being alone.

I do look around and see all my friends in long term marriages, and out of ten couples I could honestly say one couple has what I want in a relationship,

Most folks settle and get used to what they have. The one couple I admire work with what they have and specifically and intentionally work to grow both individually and as a couple.

I am thinking it is rare indeed to find a single older man who looks to a relationship as a source of growth. I suspect a few of us are here because we found guys who are the truly stunted ones,not at all into growth, and they sure are best described as assclowns.

Just another reason to learn to live life alone as a cakewalk. If I meet a guy who meets my extra fussy criteria ( which has nothing to do with looks or money !!) it will be icing on the cake for me. I venture out into the world daily, pretty jaded, but open and ready to be surprised if thats what will be.