My last EUM (which I can proudly say I’ve recognized within 2 months) and I broke up mutually. I told him that I want to date other men because I want a healthy relationship and he told me that he wants to be strong like me and took my advice to seek therapy for all of his multi-baggages that he’s carrying.

This guy I do consider a wonderful guy. He had “dropped ” hints to me twice on why I should not be with him and that’s why I’m restarting therapy again. I want to understand why I didn’t take those red flags he graciously handed to me and run!

But not all guys who break up with us are ACs. Some are nice enough to do us favors. Sometimes, we don’t the favor until later on.

There are various reasons why a guy could break up with you and at the end of the day it may be a more selfless act over anything else.

Like you say, relaitonships are two way streets. You have to give and take and the same happens with a break up.

I think the best thing with a breakup is to make a clean break and then go through the process.

Go through the pain, the hurt and be gentle with yourself. You can blame your boyfriend for breaking up with you … but its only going to delay the painful process

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All his friends were either married or pairing off – I am finding myself worrying now “maybe it was all me?” and slapping myself back into reality. No. He wants that security and love, he just knows damned well that he can’t handle it. I am feeling some compassion for him now – it just isn’t translating into allowing myself to care again. Is it? I tell myself one thing but won’t be surprised if I wake up crying.

It is a bereavement process, it’s probably better if you don’t HAVE to see them (such as work) to think of them as dead. After all, if your dream man had been hit by a truck when still blowing hot and before he had shown his real self, you would have had no answers at all and would have been raging against a cruel world dealing such a blow. Be kind to yourself – they’re dead to you in terms of being the person you believed.

I very much like your advice to lisa, especially the bit about practising not thinking about him and pulling out the list of other things to think about and do.

That’s something I’ll be taking on to clear my head of Mr EU (et al). Thank you.

And Karen Thompson, I’m sorry you’re hurting too. It’s bad stuff, but it will pass and if you learn better now it won’t happen to you again.

Best Regards. Leonine.

Sorry you are hurting.

Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances

When we lose someone, for whatever reason – we grieve. This is a natural process, the hurt, the denial. Later acceptance and healing will help us make a place in our hearts for the memories we treasure, the lessons we learned – and put it into perspective so we can live the rest of our lives. In one form or another similar turmoil accompanies all changes in life. You may find help talking about the grieving part with someone familiar with grief.

The first thing to do, though – is stop stalking this other lady. She did nothing wrong – if he had been honorable, respectful, discipline, this would never have happened. Either he would have felt the relationship ended for him, and left on his own before even noticing another woman – or his character sucked pond water and he was never honorable or loyal in the first place, and merely found you convenient to stay with for a time. Whatever she did or didn’t do, she is not the reason he is gone.

When you talk about helping him through things, this sounds like therapy or enabling, or something equally as disastrous in a relationship. Change is chaotic. Any time you have major changes in life there is a chance that relationships – family, friends, work – come undone, or change. Doctors are warned against treating their family because their own affections get in the way of the patient’s best interest. While we might think that helping someone creates a relationship, the reality is that we are seen either as a burden or figure of authority – and uncomfortable in a life-mate relationship of partners.

To make a shared life, we have to see our partner as healthy. They may have afflictions, but if they don’t see a missing limb or other issue as significant, and you don’t – that isn’t an issue. Mental and emotional issues are another kind of problem, because that gets back to “helping them through things” and places burdens on the relationship.

How to get past this? You choose to live. You focus on the details of life, add new activities if you need something to fill your thoughts and time. Call it distraction, entertainment, etc.

There are some things you should do, as part of moving on. First is to figure out why you wanted a guy that eventually moved on. Instead of thinking only about why he left, understand why you picked a guy like that, and why you stayed. He didn’t respect you in the way he left; it is doubtful he respected you when you met. He wasn’t a suitable prospect for a shared life relationship – so why did you try to share your life with him, when he wasn’t ready or able to share his life? You look back on your time together as “I helped him through so many things” – why would you want a mate that wasn’t a full partner? Why were you so accepting of his indiscipline?

The reason to understand what you did when you chose him (or just accepted his attention without question), is to recognize a good man in the future. To recognize the cripples and sex adventurers and perpetual daters that will never develop into a life-long sharing, and avoid them.

After that, each time you think of him, or of how things ended – immediately think of something else. Keep a short list of things to do that day, and when thoughts of him crop up – pull out the list, and figure out what is done, partly done, and still to do. If you practice not spending time thinking of him, of what happened, the rest of your life can return and take it’s place, filling up your day. After that – who knows? Some good man might notice you are available, or you might notice someone you want to know better.

But do give it a good long while before giving up. Healing takes as long as it takes.

Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.

I don’t think I ever will because calling him a clown puts it in a compassionate way that I understand this. Clown is sad under the ” smile”, these guys are sad. The fact that we may be guarded at times, we all bring our flaws to every relationship, but we have compassion that would not let us act so cruel to another if we wanted to break it off.

They are clowns cause they are sad under any smiles you might get, they are sad because they self sabotage, they know it, No doubt that my AC flaked a bitt more everytime we got closer. They are clowns because they know this and don’t care enough to do the hard work to rise above it. Meanwhile the shock and damage they do to those of us who trusted and loved them…well it’s all right here.

Knowing others who have experienced this ( and others who have not experienced the disappearing act..emo and/ or physical, with someone they really loved, can not really understand our grief and our reactions. Abandonment like this is not the same as someone who breaks it off in a respectful way.

Yes, thanks everyone here because many of you have been just what I have been through, you understand my pain NML”s posts help us all help each other as we walk forward.

Susan Boyle is The Bomb!

She has mother who is dying, no job (and no man/AC), advanced years for her dream career path…and the best spirit! God bless her! Made me feel like I was in the first grade again: very positive; with no fears or apprehensions about having limits put upon me.

These ACs, most act the way they do b/c they are taking out THEIR past miseries (or lack of “action”/booty with the women) with you and the rest of whomever they target. I used to think that the right woman could make them better, but no, that is not the case, based on what I am seeing around me.

The key is to get the hell out, go NC forever, and do your best to never regret your choice, no matter what happens to you in life. These people do NOT change, unless they PROACTIVELY (a la Boyle) make a point to change their lives!

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it’s a freaking DUCK! Actions speak louder than words. And don’t go with first impressions (again, a la Boyle). Good ones are quite easy to make, b/c impressions are made in a flash–that is why they are called impressions. Imprints, like pressing your hands in cement for 1 second..an impression that lasts forever.