When a man decides to opt out of the relationship by ending it, it is no different to when he chooses to opt out of it by behaving in counterproductive, assclownish ways but not actually uttering the words, ‘It’s over’. They both amount to the same thing.
I was talking with someone a few days ago and she said ‘But he’s still here and until he actually says it’s over, I’ve got to believe that we still have a chance’.
But actually he’s already left the building. He’s sleeping around and she hasn’t actually seen him properly for several weeks. That’s a funny kind of ‘here’ to me. Aside from the fact that you have to ask why she can’t end it if he doesn’t actually end it, you also have to ask what on earth she is waiting for!
We often believe that once we hear the words that it will signify when our own action will kick in, but as many a reader can testify to, being told that it’s over is no guarantee of that. If we’re hellbent on avoiding reality and dodging the pain, him actually saying it’s over can signify the start of us doing and saying all sorts of things on our ‘win back’ campaign.
What we have to realise is that not only is talk cheap but that we have to be more ‘action’ focused.
If a man says ‘we are exclusive’ and then shags around behind your back or shops around online, you’re not exclusive. Saying it and doing it are two different things. Anyone can say anything. But, can they live their words?
What’s the difference between a man saying ‘I want to break up’ or one that disappears for weeks (or even months) until you get the message? Nothing, it both amounts to the same thing.
What you have to be careful of is analysing the crap out of the who, what, where’s, how’s and why’s instead of dealing with the facts. It doesn’t matter why he disappeared for weeks on end and how much do you really stand to gain from obsessing about if it’s something you did? – His behaviour is despicable and disrespectful and not acceptable. Who cares why he did it? The fact that he has is a glaring neon light of a signal that says this man is not worthy of your time.
What you need to ask yourself is what are you waiting for and why can’t you process the info? What is it that he has to do before you say, ‘enough!’?
The reason I ask this is because often people’s ‘enough’ points don’t materialise and the yardstick just keeps widening and widening to accommodate him, your excuses, and your inaction.
I know from my own experiences though that actually, it’s like prolonging the inevitable. We think something is going to happen to change things but actually, the same end result occurs, we just take a sh*tty, long winded, painful route to get there and in hindsight we realise that we have to make judgements. We have to make decisions. We have to trust our judgement, our instincts, and the evidence, and do something.
These situations can leave you feeling indecisive but we have to make a decision and that decision only needs YOU.
Your thoughts?
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Wow, I think this post was written for me! I know all of my Assclown’s bad points, but can’t seem to/won’t let go….we broke up 7 or 8 weeks ago (yeah! I can’t remember without looking at a calendar and counting!!!!!) and I am actively working on not just being able to say – enough! – when it comes to this particular Assclown and to be able to be stronger and wiser and saying sooner if it ever happens with any future Assclown.
NML, thank you for your article !
I relate to your questions: “What you need to ask yourself is what are you waiting for and why can’t you process the info? What is it that he has to do before you say, ‘enough!’?”
I was really emotional with my EUM, he stood me up twice, he kept disappearing and appearing during these 12 months, never introduced me to his family, but promised a lot, only talking blah blah blah…I felt used and accepted the situatio, without asking myself :”Why I keep doing this to myself?” What was wrong with me?!!! WHY I WAS SO STUPID???
I had been seeing a mm for two years. Suddenly his life fell apart- work, wife, etc. and he disappeared for two months. I told him I got the hint and that i was gone. He did not have to worry about it. I was so hurt because he promised me that if he wanted to end it he would tell me. So of course, he was like what do you mean your gone? and he kept asking. I saw him one last time and that was my enough. I ended it two days later. The fact that he could disregard me for two months, although he was going through hell i think a two minute phone call here or there would have been nice, was a glaring message that this man does not care about me. He only cares about himself and his needs. To be so cruel when he knew my fear was that he would disappear was so horrible for me. I did not think I would get through the pain. It has been three months of no contact. It’s funny because I still wonder if he will come back because we have a history of me breaking it off and him coming back. For some reason though I think it is different. I know one thing is for sure. I don’t want what I had back. EVER. I want someone who loves me. He is not the one.
Leeanne,
I think it says a lot that there’s limited contact. Did he tell you that the only reason you weren’t together was b/c he was married? See Ladies, it’s all a bunch of lies, the promises that you will be together if it weren’t for the kids and unstable wife. The actions say it all!!!!!
i think many women ( including myself in an unhappy situation ) put a lot of emphasis on hope. hope for change. hope that it will work out. hope that he will stop hurting them. b/c we have spent 1,2,3 years with this man and we deeply love them. this something i have a serious problem with. i’m trying but it is a very, very difficult thing to break out of.
Gaynor it was only implied. I don’t really care now. I mean I don’t rehash it. The thing is the lack of empathy or care for someone else’s feelings that gets me. Jennifer I think you are right. I always hoped that things would be different, better each time he came back. But what I found out this time the third time was that it doesn’t change. They will never change. The light bulb that we hope will go off in their head that we are amazing and that they care so much does not happen. I also keep going back to something either i saw on this site or that i read in an article. There is no stopping a man if he wants you. I think about that all the time and my ex hasn’t come around so that says it all.
It is amazing the _ _ _ _ that I put up with. It is amazing that I bought his lies and his lies about his lies. It is amazing that I kept hoping he would fix himself and his problems. It is amazing that I got involved with a MM, that I felt he was out the door, and that I thought he was interested in moving on to all that he said he wanted. And, I never thought that that was me. But I did think that he wanted to be happy. And I thought that he wanted to take a chance at happiness. I guess that I really projected my desires onto him.
I mean, I get my issues, but I don’t get what I did about fixing my issues. As in getting involved with a MM. So, what made me think that he would fix his stated, “I am not happy, but I am content.” I mean, who wants to be content when happiness is out there? Anyway, I am by far the stronger person, and yet, I fell to this absolute nonsense.
It is amazing than an educated and highly functional woman could become this involved with a highly dysfunctional man who is enmeshed in his already existing relationship.
Truly, amazing that I got involved. And truly amazing that it took me forever to get that his inaction was his answer. And, his inaction reinforced my inaction of getting the hell away from him!
What is also amazing, is that despite 6 months of no contact, that I even devote as much as two seconds of time to thinking about him. But I do. I know that I will not go back, but I do know that if suddenly became single, I would be there in a flash.
What in the world is wrong with me?
Wow,
What is this obsessing thing, even long after you have gone NC? What drives that force? Anyone?
I think to get to your “enough” moment you have to get angry and get real. Dating, living with or being married to assclowns seems to suspend women’s common sense. I know it did mine. What would we do if a friend treated us this way? Would they still be our friend? I think not. For some reason we cut these men so much slack when the truth is slapping us in the face.
When a man truly loves a woman he wants to be with her. He doesn’t disappear or sleep around or lie to that woman. When a man acts this way it’s because he just doesn’t care enough about the relationship to be his best self. He hangs around and throws crumbs of himself because he can get away with it. Probably he has a history of treating women badly and picks his victims carefully. He knows the kind of women that will fall for this crap.
I’m truly remorseful that I didn’t get out of my assclown relationship sooner. The signs were all there. He didn’t need to tell me he wanted to break up, his actions said it all. What a loser.
Never again.
Elizabeth, you wrote “What is also amazing, is that despite 6 months of no contact, that I even devote as much as two seconds of time to thinking about him.”
I’m at about 3 1/2 months or so of n.c., and still have the same incredulous feeling about myself when I still think of him. I think that we spent so much time hoping for something to change for so long, and we loved (if you can call it love) for so long that we just are going to have take a bit of acdtual time to really release the whole event in our lives even though we know in our minds that it is completely over. I believe that day will come. We’re already on the right path.
This article really hit hard.
I reread NML’s post, and yeah, I widened and widened the yardstick by tolerating, waiting, and expecting that he would do something. Anything. But, even though he was there everyday for 2 plus years, he was never there. It never even existed. He wouldn’t even have a conversation about any issues, so what made me think that he would have the guts to level with me one way or the other? I really really fell for his – poor pathetic me – routine.
That’s the irony of getting involved with these men. I had to call it quits, but what was there to call “quits” to?
As for the obsessing, who knows? If I knew the cause, I wouldn’t do it. I could kick that obsessing in the ass, but I just cannot seem to let go. It is a prison of my own making. I would give anything to go one 24 hour period without a single thought of him. I think the most I have gone is about 8 hours. No, make that 6. And again, what is there to mourn? There was nothing to begin with. And, no, when women friends even so much as behave disrespectfully to me more than one or two times, I am done with the friendship. I should not ever have started into the relationship with him, but most definitely, I should have opted out of the relationship, permanently, when I discovered that he is one of those who cannot commit to anything . . . even his own well being. Because, I actually ended up becoming a weak person over this assclown.
It is time for me to say enough and just stop.
Hey Elizabeth,
A prison of one’s own making? Pretty good. I agree, if I knew why this obsessing thing is happening, I would stop it, point blank. Yes, we know they are not good for us, yet, I can’t stop thinking about it. This, even though all the proper steps and stop gaps have been put in place. Truly maddening, I must say.
Good luck to all with all of this. ts.
Dear friends,
The biggest mistake that I committed in the recent past is that I established contact with my assclown after 3 months of NC.I was manking awesome progress.I had nothing but hatred for him in my heart and did not want to have anything to do with him.Then suddenly one day(about 2 weeks ago)I had some personal issue.Instead of dealing with it myself I contacted my weird assclown for no reason.And all the neurosis came back all over again.Today I am dealing with the aftermath of it.Struggling to break away from this nonsense again.Analysisng every little thing that happened in the past..what,when,where,how..there seems to be no end.I feel I ma losing it at times.I am scared that I will never be able to get out of this mess that I seem to have got into.My mother says that there are basically 2 kinds of problems-the ones that are unavoidable and the others that we get into.I got into this mess knowingly.I knew from the beginning that this would get me nowhere.I am guilty of reading this great site but not following anything that is given here.Every word that is written here is true…absolutely..I need help..To get over this man once and for all.To forget all the trauma that I have been through in the last 2 years with him.Taking the crumbs that he dished out to me over and over again..and going back for it..God..is there an end to this?Others who have successfully got over such traumatic experiences..kindly do me a favour by telling me how you managed to do so.
I have been having recurrent dreams of my EUM (we broke up almost 3 months ago). During the day I also think of him from time to time…I am not thinking about what he is doing or where he is; nor am I thinking about us getting back together. It is just his name and his image – POP – in my head. I really have no idea why. The only rational explanation i have is that I still have unfinished business, regarding me, and in the context of our relationship. I have worked very hard over these months to build my self-esteem and to remember who I am and what I want. I have learned alot about me by analyzing our relationship But, I think there is still something from our relationship that I need to learn, and is about myself. But I really dont know if that is a correct assumption!
Hi Everyone
I am there with all of you! I work with my xEUM despite the fact that I broke it off more than 3months ago– I still think about him and the 2 years of my life that I wasted on this A**clown. I do have to say that my feelings fluctuate from disgust/hate (and I know hate is a strong word) to complete and utter anger at myself for having fallen for his lies. His sob stories about his unhappy home (with the mother of his kids) but how he couldnt leave because of them etc… Ofcourse he is off with someone else now and it makes me soo sick how they can just walk through life not taking any responsibility nor having the ability to reflect back. I think what angers me more is that there are still women out there who are not privy to what we have come here to learn and that continue to enable their behavior thus not contributing in any way to helping them realize that they are indeed A**holes! There are moments when I feel like messing up the little thing he has going on right now because i just dont think its justice for these men to walk around and continue to do what they do and think its ok. Believe me I have thought about it but what keeps me from losing my sanity is this site and remembering that giving any thought or energy in his direction is a waste of my time and a hindrence to my happiness. To say that any one of us actually ever “gets over it” not sure….. but i sure hope so!!! It would take someone who is further along to answer this question. What I do know is that reaching out in any way shape or form to them does not work– all it does is give them an ego stroke and provides them with more attention. I know I for one walk around my office bldg and pretend he doesnt exist (extremely hard in the beginning but have learned to be a master at it) and I know this kills him. He is a good looking guy and most of the women around here tend to offer him some type of “attention” and i just walk right past him and pretend we never even had a relationship! And guess what? There are times when he tries to call me at my desk (pretending it has something to do with a project) and as soon as the conversation goes into something more…..i say: Sorry-I have a meeting to run to– gotta go! Not for anything but in the beginning i thought this was so mean of me. But now i realize that he deserves it and it is something that I should have done a long time ago!! The key thing here is realizing that only WE have the ability to put a STOP to their behaviour. And waiting on them to end things will never happen!! They will take advantage of us/the situation/our weakness/our kindness etc…. until WE DECIDE enough is enough!!! I truly hope we choose more often than not to be STRONG and not continue to enable them. Shut the door and deal with the pain, the anger and the loss but don’t wait for him nor go back to his crumbs….cause if we do…… it is our own doing not theirs and we are stronger than that!!!
Ok– I have a question now… perhaps for NML or anyone else…. as if you couldnt already tell from my posts… I feel that I am in this anger stage. I have passed the point where I want or even think about getting back with my xEUM but I certaintly still feel a lot of anger towards him which in essence still keeps me stuck in this situation. Perhaps its a good thing to be angry (to some extent) but I find myself being a real B*tch to him. He owes me some $$ from our relationship (I was stupid enough to let him use my CC while we were dating) and although he has been making monthly payments on time……. I feel that I sometimes nag him to pay it off already but i sometimes think i do this as my only way to get back at him. Does anyone know what i mean? Its like the only thing I have over his head…that I can make him feel bad about which is telling him to pay up!!! Now grant it he is a minimum wage worker who has three kids and lives with the mother of his children blah blah blah. While I was with him — i had compassion and understanding for him (which put me in the situation where I am now– trying to repair my own damage) and in so doing– i allowed him to charge some things on my card in because at that point in time, well, “I cared for him soo much” (I know better now) Needless to say– like I said……. I know he doesnt make much and if anything– struggles to pay his bills but manages to make the minimum payments to me for the card (he owes about $600) but because im soo angry I feel like: You know what…you were an ass to me…..you lied and cheated on me and quite frankly I dont care what you have to do to pay me back (get two other jobs if you have to!!!) but since im not with him anymore I dont see why I should have any understanding or compassion towards him (other than the fact that he is human) but does anyone think I am being unreasonable and a B*tch if I say these things to him and tell him well… do what you have to do but I dont think its fair that i still have to carry this burden and help you through it inspite of the ass that you were with me during our relationship? And what is really disturbing is that he genuinly thinks in his own deluted mind that he was not an ass to me…….that he tried “his best” and makes it seem as though I am the one who doesnt understand and is just doing this spitefully. I know he will never get it nor understand where I am coming from…….but that just makes it even harder because he just says im not being understanding and a friend if I know how much he struggles just to make ends meet and here i am requesting $600 straight up! Uhm— im not trying to be his friend first of all…….. deep down i know it is almost impossible to get these $600 but at the same time I cant help but feeling like I shouldnt have to deal with this anymore. Am I angry??? Am I right? or am i both?
To TS
What drives everyone is the hope that these guys will change and come back because many of these women feel that since they put up with all this nonsense and loved them unconditionally, that is gives them the right to lay claim to these men. That these men are required to have some enormous epiphany and realize how great these women are.
I think we become addicted to these EUMs in the same way a drug addict is addicted to their drug of choice. We are trying to fill some kind of void in our lives, and are choosing the most self-destructive ways to do that. I agree that even though I have had NC with my ex-EUM for a while now, I still see him every day because I work with him, and I do still think of him more than I should, and like some of you, I’m trying to figure out WHY???? I am very clear in my mind that he is damaged and broken, and yet I still haven’t totally moved on. At this point, I am wondering if I am projecting my experience with my ex-EUM onto the distant relationship I have always had with my dad, and maybe there is a connection there. I wish I had an answer to this, because I can see that it plagues a lot of us.
Karen, anger is good if it’s a phase. it must flow away from you and morph into something else: gumption maybe.
as for the money, I don’t think you are being a b**c, just a bit unreasonable. You should realize that you are using this money as a way to engage with him, and engaging is still a form of attention.
You are still giving him your mental energy and attention, in a “bitchy” sort of way because you don’t allow yourself anything else. Don’t engage! How would you behave if a total stranger had that debt with you? would you be arsy, even if they were making regulare payments? probably not, so don’t be with him.
treat him as if he was a total stranger. Don’t engage! you’re not wrong but throwing a fit gives him your attention and, which is worse, is a signal to him that you want his attention. Isn’t what nagging and tantrums are? attention seeking behaviour? Is that the message you want to send to him? be patient and when he will have repaid his debt go and celebrate.
What I like most about this article is that what’s more important than him shouting loud and clear that it is over, without actually saying the words, but the fact that so many of us won’t end it ourselves. We allow this behavior, and allow our mind to think up scenarios to excuse it. It is amazing how imaginative our minds can be.
Best Wishes
searchingwithin’s last blog post..TGIF – The Five Best Love and Relationships Articles From Around the Web – #2
Nilondoner:
hmmm….not sure I agree with you 100%. I am not trying to engage with him. If anything– I really wish I could move somewhere else and pretend that none of this ever happened but get soo frustrated that even though he was an A** to me, here I am being patient and understanding with him repaying his debt to me and that i to an extent,,,, still have this tie to him. I just want it to be over. Im not throwing a tantrum with him (perhaps its coming across that way here) but i know that if someone broke up with me, and I owed them money– i would want to make a clean break and I would find the means to get out of that debt as soon as possible. Like I said, I feel I have no choice. The man makes minimum wage and I know I got myself into this mess…. just trying to get myself out but also have to be careful so as not to anger him so that he doesnt pay me back altogether! Like I said, im angry that i still have to be understanding and patient with someone who didnt show me that in return! Is that being spiteful?
Afterthought (sorry)
I dont know if this site has made me stronger (well I know it has) but to an extent I have found myself being a lot tougher all around. I was always too busy trying to be “nice” and not thinking about me and found that if anything– that is what led me into bad relationships. But now I fear that I am too much of a bitch (or have become too savvy) that I find myself not putting up with or having very little tolerance for BS. So yes– I am not as accomodating and understanding as before unless I see that the other person is deserving and to an extent…recipricates similarly in one way or another.
NML…. Can you shed some light on this? Is this something that happens once we wake up and smell the coffee? Not saying that i dont yet have much to learn- but just observed this about myself after being on your site and realizing many things about myself and being wtih these A**Clowns
Thank you!
Karen,
He makes minimum wage and has a wife and three kids to support. Great! Why doesn’t he get another job?
Karen,
I hope you weren’t paying for everything when you went out???
Gaynor
uhm— we never went out!!! LOL But the one or two times we did– he would pay. And for Xmas bdays we did exchange gifts and his to me were always nice (not cheap or anything) either way…. that being said……he lives with the mother of his kids and makes minimum wage yes. Not sure if im being too harsh is saying… well get another job but it is how i feel!!! I struggle between being a good understanding person like i was once with him but cant help but to still feel angry about the lieing etc….. oh not to mention that he says to me: You were once soo nice and understanding. You are just not the same person. WELL NO Kidding!!! You lied to me, denied it some more and then lied to me again and again……not sure where in all of this i should continue to be a “nice” person to him. But he doesnt understand this.
By the way I had let him borrow another $600 to go and see his family in his country (he hadnt been in like 15 yrs!!!) and not for anything but im a single mother myself…. and i cant afford to be waiting forever for him to pay me back… i just regret being so dumb and having so much compassion for him and his situation that i allowed myself to put myself out there so much. And here i am– the only one trying to clean up my own mess. I know he didnt force or ask me for it–I offered but only because I didnt really know who he truly was and that he was talking to yet more women behind my back (yeah besides the one he had at home and ME!) and then proceeded to lie about it when I saw his phone. Once all that happened, I wanted to take it all back after I realized who I was really dealing with. It makes me so angry to know that I didnt fall in love with him…….I fell in love with who I THOUGHT he was and I cant help but to not want to wait another second to be inconvenienced by not having this $$$ when I feel he doesnt deserve another ounce of my compassion!
Karen, is he the one that lives with the girlfriend because of Immigration papers?? I have not read all of your posts, how did you guys “break up”?
Never give a man money!!
I second that, Astelle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I broke up with him….. for so many obvious reasons but mainly because of the “other, other” women besides me (god knows I have learned so much from this site) that he was talking to and that i found out about and he denied. Aside from that… all the other reasons have to do with typical A**clown behavior (not recipricating, making excuses as to why he couldnt see me, not taking responsibility etc…etc..etc..)
No he lives with the mother of his kids… they have been together for 12 years. He claims he loves his kids (which i dont doubt) and that that is why he cant just leave them…they come first and his happiness/love life comes last even if him and the their mom no longer get a long (but i dont know how much of any of this was true).
Yes I now know that i should have never extended myself so much with him and let him borrow money put money on my card etc….
Am I being unreasonable/mean in wanting him to pay this back as soon as possible??
I remember when I ended things with the EUM because he barely was calling or seeing me; which always when I went to confront him he would make me sound like the needy girl who had issues (reality check I did LOL) but, eventually I saw the light when he continued not to spent time and contact like he did, primary contact was text (big no, no and great article btw about it) so I ended it over text. He had the audicity (years later) when I was talking to him on IM (still in dellusion that I could ever be validated) saying “well you broke up with me over text”… I said yeah, I figured since that was the way we were in contact, that’s how I’d do it! Now, and this is only since a few months ago that I’m living in complete reality and would never accept contact and be disillusioned again by being used for his “ego stroking”… purposes.
In regards to the post, it’s true — it’s so important to look at the actions and trust ourselves. How many times did I justify for multiple assclowns and EUMs, too many times but really I had enough LOL
Karen, he is making minum wage and has kids – he can’t afford to leave.
What were the terms for him to re-pay that money?
Astelle:
He cant afford to leave? Not sure what you mean by that.
Well… when we were together I told him he could pay me back as long as he was making the minimum payments on the card and as long as he paid me back the $600 I let him borrow. This ofcourse was when I was under the impression that we were together, when I bought the story that he was soo unhappy at home and when I thought he was a good honest person/friend to me. That ofcourse all changed when I found out that there were other women he would talk to on the phone even though he said they were only “friends” but Not sure who texts and call their “friends” at 1am. Anyway— when I found this out ofcourse it crushed me because I realized in that moment that I was soooo wrong about him. From that point I broke it off with him and asked him to please keep his end of the bargain at least and not screw me over with not paying me back. That I had helped him out of the goodness of my heart because I loved him but that now things had changed obviously because of his lies and because he hurt me. 3-1/2 months later I cant help but to not want him to give me what he owes me. At this rate…. i feel it could be years before he finishes paying me back!
Karen, what I meant, it is cheaper to keep her than leaving and paying child support. Sorry, that is a different story.
So, as long as he makes the minimum payment – until the card is payed off? Yes, it could take years until is all payed back, but you made that arrangement with him. As long as he pays, fine, take the money, should he stop paying, cut your losses and lesson learned to never give a man money.
Thanks Astelle
But now i feel bad for pressuring him into paying me back. Am I supposed to be nice and understanding and patient until he has payed off his debt? I feel this keeps me stuck to him at times when I dont want to be. He hurt me and to be honest, I just want him to pay me back ASAP because he didnt deserve my help in the first place! I feel that by me continuing to say yes its ok…I know you dont have the $$$…. i can wait…… is me continuing to give into his A**clown behaviour and not making him accountable for the fact that hey .. .Im a single mom……but If the roles were switched and i had borrowed $$ from him…… I would have found a way to pay him back already.. #1 because it was a nice gesture and It is my obligation and #2… to cut all ties as soon as possible!!! I sometimes feel that because he knows I am willing to wait and be patient…..he doesnt look for other means to make it happen faster (like find another job!!!)
Yes, you agreed to these terms. I understand that you are mad and want it back NOW, you just won’t get it back any faster from him by demanding it or fighting. He is a loser for taking your money in the first place, but you gave it to him with your own agenda!!
Take the re-payments as they come in and not worry about it, there is nothing else that you can do. Sorry, messy situation.
You never know, he may be “decent” and you have all your money back to you next week, which probably means he got it from another woman. Don’t go off the deep end over that and don’t give money to people anymore – except to me of course
Haha! Thanks Astelle!
Oh, dear girls, it seems like we were dating the same Assclown, unbelievable..
Brooke, your MUM is very wise woman…she is right about : “There are basically 2 kinds of problems-the ones that are unavoidable and the others that we get into” …Sometimes, I think we just dont have enough respect and love for ourselves, that allwoing these men to treat us like dirt…
NML right – that, these Assclowns gave us so many “signals”, but we still cant get it!!!
I didnt see my EUM for two weeks now and he didnt call or text me and I am not bothered to call him or text him either.
I try to keep myself busy, yesterday joined Creative writting classes and gym…I need to be busy otherwise I just go mad:-(
I wish you all the best in your road of recovery!
I had to see my assclown at a meeting last week after 5 months of no contact. I spoke to him briefly prior to the meeting so we did not have any awkward moments among co-workers. I was really nervous that I would fall into the same pattern as before madly in love with him again. But instead I saw him with much clearer eyes. I took him for what he really is instead of imposing some fantasy of how he is in my mind. What I saw was a very arrogant ass who never deserved me and for once I came to realize he is what he is. I came to the realization that what I want in a man and a relationship does not come in his flavor. The time did me good and I was able to see him clearly for once and walk away without any pain. It was a good thing.
I need help figuring this one out. Recently over the last few months I’ve been contacted by an ex-EUM. He has sent me emails – I did not respond. He has left me voicemails at work – I did not respond. I believe him to be calling my cell phone now as a “restricted” phone number but I have not picked up one call. I was left one voicemail from this “restricted” caller and it was muffled noise in the background and breathing that was it. But in his emails and voicemails he has been claiming that I’ve been mad at him and he has tried to contact me to say he is sorry but doesn’t really know what to apologize for. He keeps saying he wants to be my friend and that friends don’t do this to each other…blah blah. I refuse to confirm or deny anything but I’m getting so sick of his contact. I think the thing which makes me most mad is his babble about how he said he was sorry – not sure what for type stuff. He doesn’t get it, he won’t get it even if I tried to explain it.
He is just brain dead and believes he was good to me and I should just get over being mad. Why do I care? And why am I letting him get under my skin like that? It’s his problem. When I realized what I have been dealing with all these years after reading this site and educating myself I never gave him a second thought. I cut the contact immediately. He is an ex-EUM from years ago, but I had stayed in touch with him off/on just as friends. But it was more like I was his “ego – stroke” than I ever was a friend.
One side of me wants to give him a piece of my mind, and the other side just says keep the NC going and soon he’ll just give up and disappear. What do all of you think? Do I owe him some type of explanation, phone call, text message, voicemail or do I just keep up the NC?
NC.
Betterwithouthim,
Please be strong, and do not give him any explanation…HE doesnt deserve your explanation! You achieved so much already, do not spoil it..
Karen….Isn’t it funny how hard it is to get these men to make plans? It cracks me up thinking about it. Even the least little thing is a big deal. They hate to committ to making a committment to even going to the movies. I swear, I wish I had a dollar for everytime he said, “We’ll see”. Everything was like pulling teeth. Once you drag them out, they usually have a good time but it’s so much work.
I’m dating this guy now that loves to make plans and take me places.
We’re just having fun and nothing serious but it keeps amazing me that he doesn’t have any problems with asking me to do things with him. Just comparing him to my xEUM is so eye opening because I can see that when a man wants to be with you they just do it. No games. I’ve really learned a lot over the last several months. I think I can even say I’m over my EUM. I think of him from time to time but so glad I’m out of that relationship. All I did was cry the last three or four months of it. What a crazy way to live. I’m so glad I ended it FINALLY without waiting for the last goodbye from him.
And yes I do feel tougher as well. I won’t say I’m a bitch but I just won’t tolerate bad behavior. Mostly if I meet someone, my radar is up and I just won’t take it any further if he shows me disrespect. I think this is a good thing because I never want to go back to being that pushover person that was oh so nice all the time and tolerated assclown behavior. I think my self esteem is much higher now.
Karen,
Yeah, you can only learn from your mistakes. You say that you want him to take accountability—but you do have to as well for lending money to a guy who you aren’t in a stable relationship with. You also say that he was a cheat — you have always known he was married and therefore aware that he had ties to his wife and children — did you expect good karma? I’m not trying to be mean, but it’s the truth and it seems like you see it now. If I was in your situation; I most likely would pay off the debt on my own, this way it shows me that the most important thing is to untangle myself from these unhealthy binds and move on. You say you are a single mom; don’t have that much money yourself, etc… don’t be feeling bad for married men whatever state of emotion they are in with kids, or have no money — they are not children and anyone crying broke and unhappy like that is out to take advantage of you. I’m sorry to hear.
I was s l o w in getting the message that it was all over and he wanted me out of his life..
I have done two months thought it was longer .. I haven’t exchanged a word with him in two months .. but infortunately i do sabatage my progress at times .. by looking at his web site and i have rang his phone but got the answering machine and hung up.. that one makes me feel 16.. but im working on it .. only done it 3 times .. but still.. it acheives nothing …
I don’t like wasting my time thinking of him either.. makes me mad ..
Better,
This is harassment. I would threaten this guy with the police if he bothers you again. Let him know you’re serious this time!
Jennifer,
Remember, hope and reality are two different things. Hope is a wonderful thing but when someone is consistently unavailable and treats you poorly it’s time to face the truth and move on with your life.
Oh my… thank you so much for this.
Going through my own FINAL breakup with an EUM. I’ve been trying to break it off for a while now.
I know, I know… don’t try. Do.
This time it will stick!! Dammit!!!
Thanks for your help NML and everyone…
T’s last blog post..Love when I need it
I have always had one sided attractions..The men I have fallen for have either been involved with women have had some issues of their own.Either way,all the effort,attraction has been only from my side.At the end of it I would end up feeling miserable and wondering why the men I liked could never love me back.I am going through a similar phase again.I feel really pathetic now.I wonder why I keep going through this over and over again.Does it reflect any deep rooted problem within me?Like insecurity..or lack of self pride?Is this a normal thing?Being involved and getting attracted repeatedly to men who cannot love you back.How many times do I fall and get up?This time I seem to have fallen with a thud.I am totally lost.I seem to have taken it really badly this time.Just not able to get over my recent EUM.Feel like calling him again and again.Am not able to digest the fact that he cannot love me the way I want to.I feel that it is my mistake..probably something is wrong with me,that the men I want are not able to love me back despite the fact that I have a lot of good qualities.My recent EUM has inflicted every kind of heartburn on me…not answering my calls,never making plans to meet me,making plans and canceling them in the last moment,meeting me once in several months at my behest,accusing me of being demanding and high maintenance all the time,complete reliance on texts..God…for the last 2 years I have put up with this.Now it has taken its toll on me.I seem to have become a nervous wreck,lost interest in everything,seem to have lost my appetite….I am in a different city now.This is probably the best time to get over him.Far from it.I only seem to be getting desperate day by day..that he is not able to love me back the way I would like him to.What do I do?
Karen,
i am posting this only after reading a few responses to you…so please bear that in mind
My ex-EUM owes me ALOT of money. We consolidated student loans and because of different reasons the loan is in my name and to the the tune of 30,000 dollars! I wrote him an email a while ago, after we broke up, telling him that I want him to get his own loan. He was not able to secure one at the moment ‘due to the finanacial crisis’…but, I have a feeling there is more to the story than i know about…i feel like maybe he has terrible credit and may have a gambling problem that i am not 100% aware of…well, this doesnt concern me anymore! Anyways, my point was this: he sends me monthly cheques…I dont see him, I dont talk to him, I just deposit the money and thats it. I dont even really look at the name on the cheque…its just a procedure…i have completely divorced myself from the situation. I encourage you to do the same 
Put your energy into you, and not into him,…you deserve it!!! You have neglected you for so long, now its time for a little TLC.
Brooke,
If my memory is correct, isn’t this the guy that you saw 3 times within a two-year period? If it is, I believe NML said you were nothing more than acquaintances and that you had created a relationship that didn’t exist. I think you need to figure out why you are exerting so much energy on relationships that are not reciprocal and putting yourself through this time and time again. Have you considered therapy?
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