There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:
You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.
He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.
He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a replacement Other Woman.
He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.
He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.
How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.
Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?
The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you, that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not a question that doesn’t run through many a person’s mind but when it becomes damn near an obsession and it prevents you from letting go and focusing on yourself, something is very wrong.
If you are obsessing about the relationship, him, the who, what, why’s and when’s, the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and the can’t, won’t, don’ts, you are either in standstill or regressing into the past because obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
And here is the kicker:
Him choosing to do something after the relationship with you has ended is not about you; it’s about him.
You are putting yourself at the centre of his decision to be with someone else or his actions after you. In reality, that’s giving yourself too much credit for impact, and him too much credit for actually having that much connection to his thoughts!
It’s not about you. It’s about him.
It’s not about her because you are two different people and the likelihood is that if he was f*cked up when you were with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed which means that there is something about the relationship with her that let’s him believe that he can continue being himself.
You also need to remember that with men who habitually mess women around, they ALWAYS blow hot at first which means that when you are losing your mind obsessing over him, he’s going through the same hot phase that he treated YOU to at the beginning. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in.
Again because it is about him, just like when we kneejerk our way into dating and quickly start dating another guy or choose an opposite and end up with a ‘nice guy’ that we eventually admit bores us or we claim is ‘too nice’, men do exactly the same thing too because they have their own insecurities.
Especially when it comes to assclowns and habitually emotionally unavailable men, they need attention in the form of ego stroking, a convenient shag, and a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.
Some need to prove they’ve still got ‘it’, some are afraid to look in the mirror and see themselves for what they are, some are afraid of what it means to have another ‘failed’ relationship, and some just like having someone there.
A new woman that’s not wisened up to his him yet is fresh meat but eventually, when she expects too much or sees through him, he’ll be revealing his usual self.
What about men that leave you and meet someone else that they end up marrying/getting engaged to/ or essentially doing more than they did with you?
This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!
There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right.
Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’.
It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you.
Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between…
But ultimately, there is no absolute answer to the question of ‘Why her and not me?’ What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it and obsessing about it represents yet another avoidance tactic where instead of taking the focus off him and bringing it back to you, you instead look for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.
What is there to be gained by knowing why he’s with her? The fact that he’s moved on shows that YOU should move on pronto, not be putting your life on hold to obsess about him and the new relationship.
Even if you sat there and analysed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire relationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers.
You’re not seeing the wood for the trees. Instead of asking ‘Why her and not me?’, you should be asking ‘What is it about my relationship habits that had me in this relationship?’ or ‘Why am I pining for someone who doesn’t want, love, or respect me?’
Look at the bigger picture and see beyond him and the new relationship and focus on washing him out of your mind and life, and ensuring that you don’t fall into the same traps. He’s her problem now, NOT yours.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding your relationship struggles, especially with emotionally unavailable men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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anoldblogger..I am so confused. I know this is the right thing to do in my head, espically after reading all the others that have done it, but how do you tell your heart that? Why do I keep holding onto hope? I am so much better then this clown and I know this! I get myself all prepared and ready to do it. I pick a date, then he calls! Like a radar goes off. I have already begun not to see him as much. There is no sex anymore. It’s so hard. I feel so stupid for feeling this way. When we ended things I was crushed, he called me 30 times that day to make sure I was ok. Then he tells me he loves me and I am the most amazing women he has ever known, and we have so much fun when we are together and he can talk to me about anything for hours and hours.Then why do you not want a gf right now? This is the statement that I cannot get out of my head to convince myself to stop talking to him altogether.
devastaed.. he is being selfish and wants to keep you hanging on.. i’m not saying he does not feel those things but to say them, then tell you he does not want a gf right now is selfish.. he doesn’t want you but doesn’t want you to move on.. text book!!!!! I did the same thing with the phone.. i would go out and not bring it, i would put it in the other room, and would turn it off at night when i went to bed.. Tell him not to contact you since it’s too hard, if he continues to do so, you need to take bigger measures.. just my opinion.. when me and my ex broke up, i was so distraught the next day, i changed my phone number b/c i could not look at the phone anymore.. i was consumed.. well the next day i got an email and it said, “your phone is not working”.. i broke right away and told him why i changed it, how hard it was, how upset i was, etc.. then gave him the phone number.. his response.. ” well that explains it”.. I’m over it but still get so mad thinking about it.. once i blocked him from my new #, he tried calling he tried texting etc.. and eventually told someone, “she doens’ t want to talk to me, she blocked my number”.. it was so hard for me, but evidently he had nothing of substance to say to me, b/c he stopped trying after he realized i was not reaching out to him and he could not reach me.. strictly an ego stroke and confirmation i was still there.. it was so so hard.. but like i said, that was a year ago.. everytime i speak to him before i blocked him, i thought, “this time it’s giong to be different, he wants to work things out”.. it was never like that.. i spun into such a depression, i had to stop the madness… one day he texted me something and i looked at it, and just had a break down crying.. the nerve of him.. well, no more!!!
i’ll admit i had to take drastic, and probably weak measures to stop the nonsense, but it worked.. but that’s what it is.. nonsense!!!
I really wish I had done the NC 2 months ago. I know that I am going to miss him so much. Even the thought makes me tear up! I also know that I cannot continue to live my life in this craziness. I am so happy then so sad in a matter of minutes. I am driving myself crazy. As I type this he calls me and wants to see me tonight? Part of me wants to see him so much, but the more I do, the more pain I feel when he leaves. I cannot understand why these clowns cannot see what they are doing to us. When I brought up the idea last week of taking a break from each other….he cried and begged me not to. If he doesn’t want me as his significant other, then why do you want me around at all? How can they switch on the flip like they do and go from I love you, I will marry you someday to why can’t we just be friends? Do you think it’s best to pick a day to start this NC or do it now? I feel like I need a plan to occupy my mind.
TJ,
When you said, “I am replaying everything in my head and having faux-conversations .. which I see is how I am looking “for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation …†ARGH.”
I hate to say it, but you aren’t just looking for reasons, you are still invested. The time and energy you are putting in dissecting and replaying what happened – that is you, taking time from the moments of life ahead of you – that you continue to spend on what happened.
The past has lessons to teach us, we *dare not* ignore or forget what has happened. But there is a balance, because we need to clear out that old baggage, the feelings that are part of the past and not today, the hopes and dreams we have left behind, and the misunderstandings that led us to make mistakes. We need to adjust our wants, our standards and values – our definition of who we are and what we want in life – to address what we want to change to.
I like the Rabbi in Fiddler on the Roof’s blessing for the Czar – “Bless and keep the Czar – far from Anatevka!” I wish your EUM well, and even the woman/women/girls he may or may not be with. And I wish him well, so he stays out of your life forever.
Worrying about who he may or may not be in contact with is kind of like worrying who your fifth-grade teacher is with now.This gets really close to being gossip – and nothing good can come from gossip. Gossip lacks respect and courtesy, and nothing good can come from it. There is nothing useful you can learn from her, or from him now that he is gone.
Thinking about him ties you to the feelings and the harm he did back then, keeps the wounds fresh, and undoes healing.
I hope you find distraction, and peace, and constructive things to do.
Blessed be.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Devastated,
I can relate to your situation in a lot ways, and I hope this site helps €you as much as it helped me. I couldn’t imagine not having my EUM in my life or how I would face each day without him, but 4 months later, I am actually just starting to do better, and I have to see my assclown every day. We are here for you! My assclown didn’t even care about me enough to ever CALL me, I just got the proverbial TEXTS. But, we texted all day as much as we could. Then one day, I guess he woke up and decided he was “done with me”, cut me off cold turkey, stopped responding to me, etc. Your situation is very difficult because he keeps calling and you are faced with making the difficult decision, but BE HAPPY that you are in the driver’s seat and can take back control of your life!!! All you can tell your heart is that you are taking your life back. You won’t stop loving him, but you are demanding the life you deserve, the life you aren’t getting from HIM. It is painful and excruciating. I held onto HOPE for the last 4 months. He texted me twice after I walked away from him, just generic texts, not saying he wanted me back or loved me, but I didn’t respond. To this day, I naturally hold a little hope that he will come back around, but I have realized that after the first day of NC, he was too late. He didn’t fight for US. I have to live with that the rest of my life. One of the last things I told him was that if he could live one day without me, I didn’t want him because I wanted someone who was positive they couldn’t live their life without me in it. No response. It was then I knew. Please read my other posts. I heard the same crap from my assclown: I love you, want you, need you, all the day before he stopped talking to me!!! He gives you just the crumb you need to keep you hanging on! You deserve better! Do NC now! Don’t schedule it. If you are really ready, you could even tell him that it is over, then you have to be strong enough to maintain the NC, or if he has been an ass to you, just start the NC without an explanation. Just go out “on top”. If he isn’t fighting for you and willing to make changes or doesn’t say he can’t live without and prove it, forget him. He doesn’t want to take the time or energy to keep you as his puppet. You deserve better!! We can help you. His “crying” is a ploy to keep you feeling for him. My assclown who is 54 years old cried once too. I thought it was genuine at the time. It wasn’t. He no longer has a need for me, because I finally demanded that he respect me and value my feelings and opinions. Guess he decided I was too much work. He has already moved on to the woman across the street. Hope she doesn’t want to be respected or he will dump her too. Let us know how you are doing. Your needs need to start being met.
devastated
here is the beauty of no contact ( NC )
I had to check my calender to note that it was officially week eight, earlier today i thought it was three months. This is a good sign, I am not so obcessed with how long I’ve been NC.
.
NC is hard but it is empowering. I think the drama needs at least six weeks to lose it’s grip and addictive quality on one’s head. That does not mean the obsessing is magically gone, but I think you will notice a positive enough change, after two months, that you will want to continue NC.
Meanwhile if you do so some thinking, walking, writing, reading here…you will probably have plenty of many amazing insights. If you have had more than one EM encounter, I would not walk but run to download NML’s book.
My suggestion is to do NC and then just listen to all the thoughts that arise, here are some common ones…ahhh he was the love of my life, what a narci /a-ho/ baby-man, he was the guy I thought was the one, a nonstop disappointment, someone I had an amazing connection with, he is so cruel, he is a total EUM, arseclown etc etc, etc.. ad nauseum
notice the incredible confusion in those thoughts, and the ensuing drama that comes with confusion, ugh, you will hopefully be glad to be rid of it
If, however, at any point, you feel that you really made mistake, surely you must have done somethign wrong, and thus should initiate contact….. a woman named Judy wrote this awhile back, and I saved it to savor, its a true reality check
“I can honestly say [your ex's name] was the most loving and
perfect partner for me. He/she treated me like I was the most
important person in the world, always with respect and without
hesitation to place my needs ahead of his/her own. The time
spent with [your ex] was the happiest I have ever been. â€
Devastated and Aphrogirl:
Aphrogirl is absolutely right! I didn’t think I would ever be able to maintain NC. I am not the one that initiated it, and I wanted to run back to him and get him back. I am at 4 months now and I am so PROUD of myself! The NC is the only thing that has given me a few ounces of dignity back! It still isn’t easy, but it beats caving in and chasing after man who obviously doesn’t want me and look more stupid than I already do. We have to have some pride! I am still obsessing, but I am working on taking advice of the posts. I am glad I no longer feel like assclown’s subordinate or that I am always “bothering” his busy schedule. I bet my assclown can’t believe that I have stuck to NC this long, I bet he probably thought I was going to come crawling back to him a long time ago, and when I didn’t, that may be why he didn’t want to fight for me, as I am too independent and expect to be treated too good for him!
What aphrogirl quoted at the end of her post is wonderful and will help us heal. Nothing in that quote can I say is true about my EUM. He was hardly ever loving and was disrespecful and definitely thought of himself before me.
Right now I am struggling with why I wasn’t “good enough” to fight for, or make him want me like he did at first. It is really distressing. He pursued me. I fought him for two years telling him to stay with his wife, as it was the right thing to do. He persisted and assured me I was the one he loved, wanted, and needed. I fell into the deceitful trap and let my senses take over. Now look where I am. Just hang in there!
Thank you for all your comments. The EUM that I am dealing with is not married, never has been. he is younger then me and yes…we work together. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be done with this. I have been addicted to this site since finding it a few days back. I smile, laugh and cry when I read the different blogs and comments as they all sound like I could have written them. Is this true with anyone else, that as soon as they feel you moving on, they try harder? I have not made intial contact to him since last month. He has been the one calling and texting. I don’t initiate plans, he does. When I talked to him a few weeks back and said that I thought that maybe I needed some space from him to heal, he was ok with that, he cried and said that was not whathe wanted, but if it was what I wanted it was ok with him. BUT…I couldn’t do it. I am so angry at myself and disappointed in myself that I can’t seem to do this. Even though I know I need to. Does something have to click in my head to tell me it’s the right time? I feel so helpless to this clown. I have never been this way before??
Bryan,
Thank you! I hope you stay connected to this post and provide more advice and feedback! You are so right! I have been having a terrible time with the fact that EUM lives so close to me. I am reminded every time I go out my front door and it is hard not to “feel his presence”. This has been my biggest obstacle in getting over this man. I have really tried to stop looking down at his house or looking out the window across the street to OW’s house to see if she is out being EUM’s eye candy or if he is down there. Thankfully, I stay pretty busy with my work, my kids, etc. And we have taken a couple vacations away, which did me a world of good (except I know I worried about what HE was doing and with whom).
He is a MESS in every sense of the world, everything he touches lights on fire. He is a terrible human being, and since I am not that way, I can’t fathom how he can sleep at night with the things he has done to so many people. But apparently he can and without remorse!!
anoldblogger was right. I haven’t been looking at my hurts like I am obsessing. But I get up and go to bed with the same questions on my mind, and hope that the next day will be the day I finally get some answers. You all have helped to realize that as much as I blamed myself, his behavior isn’t really about me. How could it be, I was everything he wanted when he wanted and not until did I start demanding something in return did he break up with me. I was so patient with him, he never had time to see me, meet me, asked me for money which I willingly lent him, he didn’t pay me back when he said he would and still hasn’t. I realized toward the end that he wanted me to be “Supplemental Susie” to his life. He laughed when I called myself that. He wanted someone to be there for him, but who had no brain, no feelings, and was mute. He didn’t want me to speak, disagree, share my feelings, share my opinions, help with his problems, nothing. He would get mad when I did so. I have never met a man who would get mad when you asked them how they were doing, but he did!! There was a string of days, “he wasn’t feeling well” supposedly. Well on about the third day, I again asked him what was hurting or how he was feeling, and he actually cussed me out, saying “I already told f***in told you and I am not going to repeat myself!” !!!!!!!!! I was so stunned and hurt, I just cried for hours. Of course, he later apologized. So, I really can’t see that he is “happier” without me.
So, why am I having a hard time understanding why I wasn’t good enough?? He has told me how he feels about his wife. Not that I am ALL THAT, and not trying to be mean here, but physically his wife is not attractive and neither is the OW who is about 25 years younger than him! He said he loved me because I was strong, a professional, independent, liked my personality, thought I was beautiful, loved everything about me, etc. And toward the end, he said ” I guess I didn’t realize how BOSSY you are! ” I never once BOSSED him around. I was totally his subordinate, and that is not my personality at all. I am no one’s subordinate, but I did it for him. Last night, I saw him sitting outside talking to his wife. I immediately broke down. I miss him, why I don’t know?? I don’t think he thinks about me at all, and I don’t understand how a human can be that way. I guess to him I am like litter on the side of the road. Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day? If anyone has been through this, please give me something here, because my brain doesn’t even work that way. I am kind and caring, and can’t even fathom treating someone like that or waking up one morning and act like the last year never happened. I have to live with the knowledge that he did this to me the rest of my life and it is the most worthless feeling in the world.
Devastated,
Have you tried putting the ball back into his court? Tell him what you need, and he needs to decide if he will or won’t do what you need. If he wont, then tell him to stop contact you, then you can maintain no contact. If he has said he would do what you need many times and doesn’t come through and you are comfortable with all the efforts you have put into the relationship, it is time for NC. But you need to be at the point where you are comfortable doing NC, or it won’t work. Only you can decide if it is time or not. If you have exhausted all efforts and he is not responding appropriately, it is time. You need to decide how many times he has cried, you conceded, and he has still let you down. For some of us it takes only once, but for others it will take many times. You have to do what you are comfortable with. If you know deep down that nothing is going to ever change, it is time. He needs to pee or get off off the pot! : }
Miserable Love~ Yes I have been exactly where you are at. It hurts inside because you cannot comprehend how another person could behave this way. But reality is that there are sick people in this world who instead of facing their issues drag others into their sorted messes. It’s not right, it’s not fair but it happens. It’s happened to almost all of us that post here. The stories are different but the pain, suffering, and heartache are the same for us on the receiving end of assclowns.
Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day?
These questions above which you posted – unfortunately you will not get answers for. Their behavior is not normal, and in some ways asking all the questions is a form of control. Trying to control a situation or incident of which you are powerless to change because it relates directly to EUM.
I know I’ve said some things directly which upset you but I really want to help you move on. I’ve been NC now for 8 months it gets easier all the time once you take back control of your own life and stop worrying, thinking and analyizing his or what went wrong. There are no magic tricks here, no pill to take, no high powered drink mix, to wash away the pain and sorrow of what has happened and how devastated you are.
Find acceptance that he is who he is, that by remaining NC with him you are taking back your own life and rebuilding yourself. You will find that after some time passes the answers you are searching for today, won’t make all that much difference after you’ve moved past some of the pain. You’ll be too busy getting on with your life and living it and finding that happiness again which he seemed to have stripped away.
Betterwithouthim-
Thank you, I know you are trying to help me. I appreciate it. You are right, I want answers to those questions, because I am a woman of control, and he took that away from me by cutting me off with no remorse. Fortunately, my happiness is slowly returning and so is ME, the person I was before this horrible tragedy in my life. Thanks for all your insight. My problem is replaying everything in my head to identify if I caused him to be the way he is, but I just can’t find anything. I am not the subordinate type, but when it came to him I was his subordinate, how much happier could he have been? I just remind myself hourly that he is not happier without me. He has his miserable marriage and the less fortunate OW idiot across the street who is a twit, ignorant, uneducated, alcoholic, eating disordered witch, so my thoughts are if he is happier with that arrangement, more power to him. : } I am slowing taking back my life, and I owe it all to you guys.
Better off without him asked…
“Can someone tell me how a person can be that way? Love us one day, not the next? Texting love one day, then pretending we are dead the next? No feelings left in one day?”
here’s my best shot…ummm, they did not ever love us, they may not know how to love, or they may confuse something else with love. Love is actions, not words.
Course, its just as relevant to consider why we might have believed or chose to see this ” false love” as something real, or significant in some way.
In my case I think I was with a man who wanted to love, but was not willing to work to overcome his significant and deep rooted issues that brought resistance to his loving anyone. He knew all this, sometimes reveled in his clown nature, sometimes was clearly tortured by it.
But reality is, he never really did the work of loving me, with both feet in, and thus could never could give me what I wanted. It took me a long time to give up on him.
Miserable, I would not think twice or care about him ” being with” another woman. Being with is not loving. That guy you describe is worse than a “guy with issues”, he is a walking disaster.
If the AC I know could actually could love another, I’d say it was a breakthrough for him, and I’d be glad for them both.
I have to see the EUM twice a week at a 2-hour long meeting. Since our “falling out” a month agoI have ignored him. I don’t look at him, I don’t make eye contact, I don’t speak to him. Occasionally we must briefly interact but I’ve still managed to avoid eye contact and speaking/responding, even when he squeaks out a feeble hello. (My behavior would be considered the height of rudeness if anyone noticed, but I don’t care if I look like the jerk.)
I find myself wasting a lot of energy on working to avoid/ignore him. I feel I make a mental note of where he is in the room so I can move to the other side, or keep myself from accidentally meeting his eyes when I happen to be smiling. (His newest soul mate is also at the meeting now so get to ignore him as he plays the role of the solicitous, attentive boyfriend.)
I feel working this hard to ignore him just keeps me stuck. My “public persona” has always been friendly, playful, warm and having to switch to a cold shoulder is difficult.
Also, I admit that it was satisfying to know my ignoring him initially confused and rattled him. But now that he realizes I mean it, I find myself angry that he no longer appears to care/notice that I’m ignoring him, so I’m struggling NOT to catch his eye just to give him a dirty look. I’m also angry now that he’s avoiding/ignoring ME!
Not attending the meetings is not an option. Anyone have some advice for me? Help.
Miserable Love,
I have decided to confront him tonight for the last time. I am going to doexactly what you suggested as it makes the most sense. I know he will not give me what I want right now, so I am prepared to start NC. I cannot do this to myself any longer. I actually, for the first time in over a year, DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. He was so sweet yesterday at work and I thought things would be good, the he went missing until this afternoon. With no real explanation. He is coming over this evening to see me and I am going to have this talk with him tonight. This sucks, as I know I will have to start the heartbreak all over again. I need help! I have never in my life been this low and depressed. I read eveything I can on this and nothing seems to work. It’s terrible to say in a way, but reading this site and realizing that this happens to so many of us is eye opening. I only hope that I have the strenght to see it through and when I see him on Tuesday at work, I can continue with it. I just know I am going to miss him terribly and I cannot figure out why?? I was so lonely while I was with him. What’s the difference?
TJ:
I can really related to your situation, as it has many similarities to mine. I really feel for you. I totally understand how unnatural it feels to “ignore” someone, as it takes so much work and effort and consciousness to do it. You are always aware of where he is and who he is talking to, what he is doing, all without looking at him, just feeling him near you. I feel like having to do that does keep us stuck and there isn’t too much we can do about it. My EUM lives two doors down in my neighborhood and I have to see him everyday. It is horrible. He is married and within a week of cutting me off, he was cavorting with other woman across the street, and I had to watch it all play out. Talk about heartbreak. It was and still is hard not to collapse. The same thing happened to me – it is so much work and not my nature to “ignore” and pretend someone doesn’t exist. And in the beginning, he would watch me outside, etc. and I thought that would get him to miss me and want me back. But, over the last 4 months, he doesn’t even give me a second look and probably not a second thought anymore and that is even worse, because now I don’t think he thinks about me AT ALL. It is not fair for you to have to quit your job to get away from him and his crappy behavior. The only thing I can suggest is to try to sit in the meeting where you can’t see him and other woman, no eye contact, continue to ignore him, etc. If there is any way to avoid the meetings, etc., you might try to check into that alternative. If not, you will have to suffer through the meetings. Oh the tangled webs we weave. If I had known that it would be so hard to deal with our proximity if we broke up, I never would have gotten involved. The problem is that since assclown pursued me for 4 years, I figured once I finally gave in to his advances, we would never break up. I told him we could never go back to the way things were before we got together. I believe that having to see our assclowns on a regular basis is preventing us from healing at a regular pace like other people’s situations. It is a terrible position to be in. Think about if you have any options at all to avoid him more, and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there!
Devastated:
You are doing the right thing. I totally feel that you need to resolve any last minute questions with him so that you will be able to move on. Of course, I hope it works out as you hope, but if not we are all here for you. He has had enough time to figure out what he wants. If he can’t say for sure he wants you, then you deserve better. This is going to be a very difficult time for you, but what you will have that will help you through this is your pride, and control over your destiny, and the ability to make choices for yourself. I didn’t have that. Yes, you will miss him, but you already have missed him, so you are right, what is the difference?? The finality will be heartbreaking for you, but knowing that you made a sound decision based on your talks with him, and are telling him to pee or get off the pot, will be enpowering for you, and will be the driving force behind your ability to maintain NC. Now, as I just told T.J., we have the same issues with having to see the aclown every day. It will be hard and won’t be helpful in helping you get over him. Think if you have any alternative to that situation and tell us what happened tonight.
Miserable Love,
Suprise…he didn’t show up last night, he called and said he was to tired. He has had his phone shut off all day today and so I think this is the straw that broke the camels back for me. I packed up all his things and put away all the things he had ever given me. I wrote down my thoughts to get them out of my head. I am done! No more! I will have to see him on tuesday, but I will deal with it. I have to keep telling myself that this is all his loss. I mean really, what did he have to offer to me? NOTHING! I am prepared to not even give him the choise of peeing or getting off the pot. He just needs to leave me alone. I fully intend to just start ignoring him. I know this will be hard, but I am going to keep reminding myself of all the horrible ways he has made me feel and all the nights I spent crying over him! I am pissed off ay him and myself for allowing this to happen. I thought that if I talked to him face to face it would be easier for me. But I am not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me get upset again. Thank you for helping me and I will let you all know what happens. This sucks! When will I start to feel better is the question.
Devastated:
OMG!!!! What a craphead!! Big surprise! Things happen for a reason and I believe that him being too tired was meant to be so that you would have a reason and be ready to move on. You have done the right thing by packing all his things! If there isn’t too much to put in your car, I would put it in there and “get a message to him Tuesday at work” to get his crap out of your car during his lunch hour or put it outside and have him stop by when you aren’t home and pick up his stuff. THIS IS ALL HIS LOSS! Too tired, my rear!! Why is his phone off all day today too? Forget him. He has given you nothing and offers you nothing. No man is too tired to spend time with the woman he wants. He should not get the choice of peeing or getting off the pot. He already made it. He needs to leave you alone. I would ignore him, won’t be easy. He will try to talk to you and find out why you are giving his things back, etc. Don’t talk to him. Just keep reminding yourself all the crappy things he has done to you and it will help, that is what I do. He had no care for your plans last night, just himself. Talking to him face to face isnt easier, it is harder. Whatever you do if and when you see him face to face, act fine and for God’s sake do not CRY in front of him and give him the satisfaction. It is VERY HARD. My last conversation with my assclown after he had “cut me off” for days, he told me he had too much shit going on to deal with me!!!! He also said he didn’t see any reason to work things out because I didn’t believe him because he always went back to the same behavior. I said fine and turned around and walked away with my head up and barely made it to my car and completely lost it. Don’t let him see you cry. Since you are in the same boat as me and have to see him every day, it will not start feeling better for a LONG time. I am in month 4 and still regularly have bad days. Avoid him at work, don’t look at him, ignore him, laugh and look your best, act happy, etc. Let us know what happens and we are here for you if you need to talk.
Everyone,
You all aren’t going to believe this crap! A friend of mine told me about a website all states have that you can go to for free and check for criminal and public records. Well, I went to the website and put in my Aclown’s full name and I couldn’t believe what all popped up. Well over the course of our 7 month relationship, he asked me to borrow money about 3 different times. $650.00 worth that he has yet to pay back and won’t. Well recently I found out he was bumming money off a couple of our other neighbors, way more than I lent him. I can’t believe they gave it to him. Anyhow, he hasn’t paid anybody back and I know he and his wife have money problems. Well, not only did I find record that he was been taken to small claims court 5 times in the last 3 years for borrowing money from the walk in for cash places, but owed probably around $10,000 and was court ordered to repay these places and his wages were being garnished when he was employed. However, during the same month as these small claims cases, he told me he quit his job, but now I think he lost his job and lied to me – once again. So he owes everybody money and obviously has no pride to be responsible for his debts. On top of this, I found a divorce decree on file a few months before he married his current wife, and I wasn’t aware that he had been married more than twice, but three times. Her name was Rita. I was never told about this! I knew he was married to his first wife, then his current wife, but didn’t know about the second wife. And God knows how many wives he has had!! I am shock, but a part of me is feeling pretty good, because I also saw that his house is in foreclosure and am hoping that he is forced to move soon!!! That would be a huge answer to prayers. Will keep you posted.
Miserable, what’s the website? This sounds like a website we could all use.
Miserable Love
His phone is still off and I give up. I have made my last call. I really thought I could make this work with his as friends, but I cannot. He has no friends. They have all deserted him because he is an asshole. He owes me so much money, I will never see it, I’m sure. I am so angry for believing him and all the things he said. The best being…BABE…I never lie!!!! I hate liars. Ummm,,,anyway! I realize this will be hard at work and I will do my best to avoid him. The only times I would see him would be when HE would come to my office to chat. Or during lunch. I have a plan for lunch, as I will leave a few minutes early and get in my car and leave. As far as him popping in to see me in my office. I will just simply tell him to leave me alone. I will guarantee he will. The other thing about him, is he hates when people are angry at him. This is why I’m afraid to piss him off. He cannot understand how hard I tried to be his friend. I just cannot do this. I still have deep feelings for him and when he says he still loves me or when he makes plans for us, I just think that everything will be ok. I feel like a broken record. I know this is best. I just dread the thought of all the sadness I am going to go through missing him. I keep reminding myself of the bad times and the times I stood in his kitchen looking out the window over the past year and thought “What the hell am I doing” I should have left long ago, but like most women I thought I could save him and make us both happy. I’m sure he was…but I sure wasnt. Now look at me! Depressed, can’t eat, would love a full nights sleep, obsessed with where he is and who he’s with. I hate it. Thanks for talking to me about this! I really need it!
somethingsomethingsomethingdarkside and all who are interested:
The website is National Center for State Courts, http://www.ncsconline.org, State links for public access to court records. You click on the list by state and look at the options of links available to look at records in your state. I actually wish I had searched this sight before letting myself get involved, even though I was so in love I think I would have excused it all away or made excuses for his behaviors. Wasn’t too happy to find out about another ex wife I didn’t know about! With all that we have experienced, I think we should look more into the men we are getting involved with. I hope this info helps others.
Devastated,
Try not to call him again. I am not sure if your calls will show up as missed calls, but you don’t want him to find your number like 3+ times or something. I swear I think we were seeing the same asshole!!! My ahole has no friends either because he is an asshole to everyone, of course he has his little harem around that puts up with him. I am sad you lent him money, but glad to know I am not the only one who lent our assclowns money that we will never see again! I too felt good and relieved when my EUM paid me more attn and tried to plan something for us that never materialized. If you have a plan of action, like it sounds like you do, then you are in control of the situation and you will feel better. It will be hard. But you are stronger than you think! I was in the same situation: depressed, not eating, not sleeping, sitting and crying all day, not working, etc. My girlfriend finally made me go to the doctor to get on some medication to help with the anxiety. I have never taken medication for that before and felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself. But, it has helped some. I was and sometimes still am consumed with where he is, who he is meeting, etc. I didn’t like what I had become, because that is not ME! Right now it is just going to be about you getting through each day and taking care of yourself! I was almost to the point of collapse. Please focus on you for the first few days, and you will feel stronger. and NC!!!!!!! Keep us posted.
Help! I have been having a really hard time the last couple days. We have been out doing a bunch of yard work, putting up our pool for the summer, etc, bringing in grass, flowers, etc. and I have caught the assclown “watching” me. He either watches me out the side of his eyes or even has been “looking” at me full on! Of course, I am not looking at him, I just see him out of my side view or act like I am turning my head to look at something else so he doesn’t see me “staring” at him. It just kills me. He is expressionless and I have no idea what he is thinking. I want to think he is missing me. Part of the problem is that I have to go out of my way to get into his view, as he doesn’t leave his chair in the garage, such as going to the edge of my yard, my mailbox, walk across the street to my neighbors house, etc. He never strains to look at me. I am having a hard time breaking the habit of “making myself out there”. I just wish I knew what he was thinking, but since he hasn’t contacted me in 4 months, I guess he probably isn’t even thinking about me. Part of me holds hope inside that he feels something when he sees me. I will never know. I have really stopped “making myself out there” as much, but have a hard time not peeking over the neighbors car to see if his legs are hanging out his garage to know if he is out there. Like I said he is a weirdo, he doesn’t work, and he sits in his garage 24/7 pretty much. If he is out, I tend to “do extra things to get him to notice me” like water the flowers, walk across the street, play with the kids, look at my grass, etc. It gives me comfort to see him sitting out there, but I feel pathetic. I am not getting any results from him, no contact, nothing, so I am tired of doing it and tired of being his eye candy, because that is all that I feel I am. He is probably getting his willies just watching me, knowing that he treated me like crap!!!!! I feel so weak! Part of me wants to stay completely out of his sight as much as possible, part of me wants him to see me and see how happy I am and how good things are going for me, but I feel he probably doesn’t really care. What should I do???? What would get “results” from him: staying out of his line of sight, not letting him see me, or see me happy and doing my own thing, as long as it doesn’t look obvious that I am trying to get him to notice me? Like I said before, I am afraid out of sight is out of mind for him, and that in sight should be in mind, but since he is a selfish asshole, I don’t think anything I am doing is helping improve the situation, and I am frustrated that when he sees me, he doesn’t miss me. Any suggestions?
Miserable Love–
Because you want this “man” to miss you, you must either (A) want him back, or (B) want some ego stroking.
But, from the tone and language, you sound like you want him back.
You do not need anti-anxiety medication. You need to speak to a counselor about (A) you and (B) your marriage and husband.
Yes, it would be nice to know that an ex misses you, if that truly were the case. And, yes, with these types of immature a**holes, out of sight does often mean out of mind: they want you back (or think they wany you back, or temporarily want you back) only after they see you (usually after not having seen you for a while).
But who cares about him, if you truly want to get on with your life? Consider him a mistake, and move on with your life. These jerks get under your skin b/c they are “unattainable”. That’s all it is. Junior high and high school b.s. (But we all never really do grow out of high school, do we?) He is Mr. Big Man on Campus on the block, even though he is an adult loser (socially, personally, and economically!!) only b/c (foolish) women like you on his block choose to think so.
Quit the Peyton Place “romance” and start your already-existing, very charmed, life over. Get a job. Join some clubs. Etc.
Life is too short to waste ANY of it thinking about an idiot like this.
And, if you were both suddenly single and could have each other as much as you want, you wouldn’t even want him!
Miserable Love,
I understand how you are feeling. I have to see the assclown at work and I try and see if he is looking at me also. I don’t know your whole story, but is there any way you can think about moving away? With him being so close and you having to see him all the time it must be so hard? I can’t imagine. He is probably thinkg…damn…wish I could still shag her? Isn’t that what they all think. I try every time I think about him to only remember the bad stuff and what he cannot offer me! All the hurt he has caused and the endless heart ache. I am sure you have some bad memories of him. Are you married? Sorry for being personnal but I don’t know you entire story.
Devastated:
Thank you for being so kind. My initial story is further up on this blog if you are interested. Yes, I am married, and very ashamed of myself. I have a wonderful husband and two wonderful children. I was never looking for anyone else. My husband and I have our issues, but who doesn’t. This assclown, as stated in previous blogs, and his family and my family have been friends for 6 years. We did things together as a family, I never even looked at him in a loving way. He and I threw his wife a surprise birthday party, then he left her a week later. During his separation from her, he outright walked up to me and said that he has had feelings for me for a long time. I didn’t believe him. He pursued me for 2 years, tried to corner me in my house (he lives two doors down), and I avoided him and asked him to leave me alone as I didn’t want to start something out of respect for my husband. This is a very long story. However, our families had a falling out and we didn’t speak for 2 years, not our fault. In July of last of year, he walked down to my house out of the blue and asked for forgiveness. He said he wanted us all to be friends again. He said he missed me like 10 times. He really turned up the heat. I again avoided it, and after many sleepless nights with my heart and mind fighting back and forth and because he was “so sure” and straightforward about he felt about me, I started worrying that we were meant to be. I decided life was too short to let a love like this go by without “checking into it”. It wasn’t about sex, which occurred less times in 7 months I can count on one hand, but for me it was about whether or not he was my soul mate, which I know now he wasn’t. Since he told me he loved me for 4 years, I really felt that he was sincere and I was very confused and deceived.
All I mostly have is bad memories. Read all my prior blogs here and under the topic Big Question and you will see. I love my husband, but we had some issues that weren’t getting resolved (no excuse), and this man met the needs of what I was missing in my marriage , albeit for a very short time, but by then I was absolutely in love with him. I am ashamed, but God has forgiven me and I have learned. That still doesn’t change how I feel about assclown. I love him! I gambled everything to be with this guy, even to the point of pretty much deciding to leave my wonderful husband if he had asked, which he never did ask. Not only I have lost him, I am left feeling deceived, because he didn’t have any regard for me, my husband, or my family, when he pursued me for 4 years, only to dump me. I am left with all the guilt and sadness. But I have learned a lot through this. My husband and I are working on our marriage. He does not know anything. Just like today, I was just putting out trash, and his other woman across the street had just got home from dropping off her kid at school for the afternoon, turned her car off, didn’t even go in her house, she ran right down to assclown’s house, as he is home alone all day. I just started crying again. My situation is pretty complicated and may be hard for some to understand, like USED for instance. And as I am sure you agree, we really don’t need “negative” feedback from people, constructive positive alternatives and advice is great, talk about kicking us while we are down, without reading all our posts and knowing all of what is going on. Man, that is just what I needed. So I appreciate your kindness and feedback.
Used,
I came to this website for constructive, positive, reality-based feedback on my situation and struggles. I am open to opinions whether I agree with them or not, as I appreciate different perspectives. Obviously I can’t post my ENTIRE issue here and had to summarize the highlights. Of course part of me wants him back, but I know that would not be healthy, and I guess what I need most of all right now is an “ego stroke”, so thanks for pointing that out. I do consider him a mistake and am moving on with my life, but am still struggling with some issues, as I openly shared in my post, and was wanting some feedback from people who have or currently are going through some of the same issues.
I wish you had read all my posts. I am not interested in my assclown because he is “unattainable”. He pursued me for 4 years. Things ended because he is asshole. That still doesn’t resolve understanding how a person can love you one day, then not the next. When a person cuts you off with no explanation, no remorse. You are left wondering what they are thinking when they see you, if seeing you will help resolve some of these issues, etc.
I didn’t start the Peyton Place romance, wasn’t looking for it. I am a middle-aged professional woman with a high profile job. I have a job, a life, and feelings. And I am not FOOLISH. I didn’t choose to think he was Mr. Wonderful. He didn’t start cavorting with another woman on our block until we were almost through. This is not a game of who can get asshole’s attention outside in the hood. I have made some foolish mistakes, but that doesn’t make me FOOLISH. I am having a really rough time right now, several of us are, that is why we came here for constructive, positive discussion, not to be kicked while we are down.
Miserable Love,
As you, I was also married at the time that my assclown began persuing me. I gave in, and unlike you, I asked my husband to leave. I cannot believe I threw my entire life away for such an asshole. My husband was a great man, but I guess something was missing in my life. The ass filled that void and then begged me to leave my husband as he says he met his soulmate..me. I did and 6 months later he broke up with me stating he didn’t want a gf. I feel so stupid and broken. I can not face myself most days for believeing in him. I too am a professional working women who supports herself and children. I am so lonely and even like today, when I had to see him at work, he looks me in the eye and tells me my eyes look so pretty and how good I look and makes his little winks at me. As I told you a few days ago, I was going to get inmy car for lunch, as we spent lunch together every day. Well, I did and he actually followed me to the park where I was headed so we could talk????? About what?? This is so hard. I really try and seem strong and like you said would never let him see me cry again! Stay strong…we can get through this! I am here for you as well as everyone else. And don’t let other tell you anything! We can support each other!! That’s what CHICKS do!!!!
Devastated,
I am so glad to hear your story, you are my angel!!! Oh My God, I am soooooo sorry this happened to you! My heart is broken for you. My heart goes out to you. I literally cried when I read your last blog!
You don’t know how many times I thought about leaving my husband for this assclown. I am so sorry that you did. Is a relationship with your husband salvageable?? I mean if you even want him back. I know that it may not be fixable, and not sure you want that relationship back. But sometimes we realize what we had when it is lost. I just feel horrible about what happened to you. At first, I really loathed assclown for pursuing me knowing I was married and he was married. I thought that was really selfish of him, because when he told me how he felt about me, I thought “God, what am I suppose to do with the knowledge of this now! I have to live with this the rest of my life, knowing he how feels, and knowing I can’t act on any feelings I might have.” For so long, I carried that around, avoiding him. He was so persistent and made me feel “wanted” again, the “flame” I had been missing for so long, was the strongest it had ever been with any man. I am so ashamed of myself. My husband is a great man, and he doesn’t deserve what I did to him. But, God knows where my heart was and what turmoil I was going through in my life and I know he understands. My assclown said he loved me before I was even aware of it, 4 years. I almost threw my life away too. I had some things missing in my life too. And I knew I was walking on unsolid ground. Was your assclown married too? I have two great kids and I have given all myself to everyone else for so long, I lost ME. So, when assclown came around, I told myself that I have a life too and it was time for my needs to be met! I am an idiot! The grass isn’t greener on the other side. They are HORRIBLE men for being so selfish and not caring how many lives they are destroying to “get their needs met.” What we thought was going to be FOREVER, wasn’t. And we are the ones left holding ourselves and our families together. What consequences do they have? He is the worse kind of asshole! He wrecked your marriage saying he wanted you, now he doesnt, now he wants to say how good you look? I would slap his face!!! What a terrible PIG! I know that you must have been in terrible turmoil to make the decision to leave your husband.. I totally understand. My assclown kept saying he was going to leave his wife, but said if he left her it needed to be for the “right” reasons, so we could have a real life together. He never asked me to leave my husband. Well, he never left his wife. I guess I was just a perfect idiot. I can’t believe he followed you to the park. He knows what he did to you, you have to tell him to leave you alone or threaten him with a restraining order, or you will never be able to get over this. What did he talk about at the park??? I wouldn’t “share” anything else with him again. If all you can do is muster a smile before shedding tears in private, then do it. Don’t give him the satisfaction. He broke up your marriage, and then crapped on you. I would never speak to him again!! That is the ultimate disrespect. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. We are all entitled to mistakes, no one is perfect. I am strong in my faith and have lived “the straight and narrow” path all my life, always making good decisions, etc. I just let my guard down, and the devil himself slipped in. The hardest person to seek forgiveness from is yourself, trust me. Thanks for being there for me, I am here for you. I need all the support I can get right now.
Miserable Love–
So you know:
(A) I have read your whole story;
(B) in your May 26th post at 2:29 A.M., you sound as though you are not progressing…but rather mega-regressing…in any progress you are trying to make; and:
(C) I am not trying to kick you when you are down, but to jolt you into some reality, before you regress even more.
So you know about me: I am married. My marriage is good, but not not perfect. Guess what? Nobody’s is!! Marriage = work!! (And what is “perfect” anyways?) And I know a certain married someone who is also turning on the heat with me. He is someone very similar to your EUM. He is someone who wreaks havoc and creates all sorts of Shakespearean dramas and tragedies between and amongst women, sometimes women who know each other, live near each other (sometimes in the same neighborhood or building!), and/or have the same (very small, very cliquish, and very drama-seeking & gossipish) social circles, etc. For the first time in my life, I have strained friendships with a few women because of a guy. This guy, who is a jerk EUM who I only briefly dated! He is not even a normal, decent guy worth fighting for! (Not that any guy is…)
So, to get to my point: in this game of cat-and-mouse, the bigger the fish, the bigger the prize. And…the drama the cat (EUM) creates makes him feel ****important****.
Why I bring all of this up?
Most of the women who post on this blog write very well, are very intelligent and analytical, and have jobs, some involving high responsibility (from what they say); so give yourself some credit: what could be a bigger ego stroke for a jerk-EUM than a quality woman wanting/loving him, to the point where she can’t fully focus anymore on (or, worse, leaves) her great job, loving husband, and great family?
Our being married does not mean that we are dead or unattractive to the opposite sex anymore. Sometimes, being married makes some men (definitely mostly unethical men w/o morals and values, EUM and non-EUM, married or not) want you MORE.
Your guy IS a walking disaster, as someone previously put it. If this were a case where he was simply confused about his own life and marriage, he would have stayed separated from his wife and tried to move on with his life. But no! He continues in his ways and wants to have his cake and eat it, too!
Transfer the love you think you have for him to your husband. See, if it is there already, you have the love to give! So give it to the right person. Choose happiness. Choose the right person to receive your love, not this jerk!
It’s what I do with every s.o.b. who tries to make his way between me and my husband.
Make this your philosophy: “nobody gets in the way of the peace and life I have created for myself, that I chose to create for myself.”
Temptation is all around every one of us, all the time.
You want to make progress?
When you see him outside, go inside!
When you hear someone talking about him, avoid/stop/end/leave the conversation.
Etc.: NC in any and all ways!!!
If you had self-respect, you would not want to even look at the guy. I am insulted with my EUM”s attempts to flirt with me…b/c it IS an insult…to me…to all women!
Maybe he hangs out b/c he wants you to keep thinking about him. Maybe he feels badly about what he has done. Maybe his brain is in outer space when he looks your way. Who knows, You never will know what is in his head. Only he can control what he thinks. And he does a lousy job at that!
The fact that you and Devastated can’t hear what I have to say shows why these guys get away with what they do: we women DON’T like to hear the truth when it hits us in the face.
Miserable Love
I am having such a bad day today all I can do is cry. He was never married, he does have a chid that he never speaks of or sees…RED FLAG! He used to tell me that he would never fell complete until he was married and the hold my face and tell me he will marry me someday. We even planned on having a child together. I am so sad inside. I mourn for the loss of the future with him and the loss of the child we talked about so much but will never have. He is 10 years younger then me, but made me feel so wanted and loved when I was with him. My marriage is not going to be saved. We are very good friends, but he too has moved on. I know that Joe (ass) is not right for me. He makes very little money, is very immature, has nothing to show for himself at the age of 30. It hurts the most because I feel he used me for everything I was willing to give him and swore to me how much he never lied and would never lie and hated liars! I believed him. I know that he has someone else, but he will NEVER admit it to me, even though I begged him to tell me the truth, I think this will help me to hear it from him, but he won’t say it. That would take a man! You know, I actually thought about just ending my life over this asshole??? I do feel that I have good and bad days, mostly bad. Like today, he said all those things to me and his eyes light up and he slimes so much when he sees me its hard to beleiev that we are not together. Then when work is over he says I ll call you and then doesnt. If we did not work together this would be so much easier. I know it would. I wish it would all go out of my head and I could just have some inner peace! I miss my old self! I am such a happy person all the time. I feel so low and used and feel like the biggest piece of crap around for allowing this to happen to myself. When I could see it all along! I am so glad that we can talk about this to each other as I really dont think that unless you’ve been in this position you could understand. Thank you as your words have gotten me through the past few days! I am here for you as well. Tell me whatever you fell that you have to get off your chest!!
Devastated,
We are really going to have to keep in touch. This site has been absolutely a life saver to me, and mostly everyone has been so kind and helpful, but I can’t believe the bitterness and rudeness of some people. I was on another blog “Advice He Won’t Contact Me” sharing my feelings, and I got slamblasted by someone named Astelle. She actually said she hoped I would get caught!!! Caught from what? HAHA Some people cause drama just to make themselves feel superior.
Anyway, it sounds like I am about your age, my EUM was 54, 16 years older than me!!! Hello, I should have seen that poor sap wanted to “feel younger” by picking a younger woman. HA! That is a great way to put it, that we are mourning the loss. It is like a death really. I totally understand. I mourn the loss of what could have been, what I was led to believe he wanted. I am sorry that your ex husband has moved on. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know that only good things are coming out of our lessons learned. My 54 year old is a lazy ass, doesn’t work, has no money, no working car, is in debt, is not responsible. Why do I like this guy? : } He too made me feel so “happy and right” what little time we were together.
I have been crying today to. When I saw O.W. walking down to his house, my heart stopped beating. It is the last day of school, the kids will be home for the summer, why not go down there for a last minute afternoon quickie……I just can’t believe how similar we feel. He totally used me for everything, to whine to, to borrow money, someone to feel close to, someone to flirt with by text, and I believed every word of it! Ending your life is not an option! What did he say today? Did you have to talk to him? It is like you are his fun flirtation at work, but then outside of work, you don’t mean anything to him. I wish you could change positions, change buildings, or get a transfer, or just change jobs. We are both just trying to get US back right now after the deceit and lies. I too feel used and you are right, it is hard for a person, especially a young, young one, who is having problems with a boyfriend, to understand these issues. When you say you feel so low and used and like the biggest piece of crap around for allowing this to happen to us, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thanks for being there for all of us, but for me specifically. I would not be where I am out.
I joke about him and other woman, but it really hurts me to see her running down there like a dog in heat. I know he likes the attention. This morning our kids were having an awards assembly at school, he was there and so was I. I ignored him. His stare bored a whole in my head. When I finally looked over at him, he blatantly stared for a long time, couldn’t tell if it was a mad look or if it was a sad puppy dog look. That encounter really bother me. I shouldn’t have looked at him at all. If he doesn’t care about me, why does he “stare” at me? Why take the time if he doesn’t care about me? It stayed with me all day,bothered my all day. Falling alseep I at computer, will right more tomorrow.
Miserable Love..
I just ran into Joe this morning at work and he actually had money to give me. The it started. The lies and telling me he wanted to comeover tonight to spend some time. I said no. Not cool. I feel so twisted. It sucks for you too, that you have to see him everyday. believe me, I underastand how that feels inside. You don’t want to see them, but then you do! I feel pathetic that I am willing to accept a crumb. This is not what I deserve! I deserve to be treated the way I treat people. I feel like he thinks he is doing me a favor by offering to spend some time with me. That feels really great?? I cannot believe that I am allowing this clown to rule my emotions the way he does. I just want to hate him so much for what he did to me and then there is the little part of me that doesn’t want to let go, because maybe he’ll change his mind. But, honestly, it’s too late for that. I just feel like I will be alone all my life now and that there is no one out there for me! I hate that thought!
I’m sure your assclown was thinking, while he was staring at you, that he could have you again if he wanted. Same as mine would think. That is where we need to be strong. We need to show them that they do no effect us. Like you said to me. Hold my head up and walk away. My email is stacilee24@msn.com. If you would like to chat more. I am here for you and I will listen to anything you have to say. We can get through this! We are better then them!
Miserable Love–
You really should not post on this site. Someone like you is teaching the jerks of this world how to be bigger jerks, how to play women (you) even after they have been fooled (and fooled big-time).
Clearly, based on what you write, and on the lack of respect for your husband, who is clueless as to all of this (so don’t make it sound right now as though he knows anything about this, to cover yourself, or make yourself look better, b/c of what Astelle wrote!), if your EUM were to come to your doorstep (after HIS NC as to YOU), begging for forgiveness, telling you he loves you, you would take him back…and in a heartbeat! THAT is what you really want: him to take you back. And you want hints from Devastated on how to do it…you don’t want to make the same mistakes she made via losing the EUM and your “safety net”/husband.
And you clearly also realize the jerk is a jerk.
This is about winning, for the most part.
Yes, I, like Astelle, hope your husband finds out about everything.
Hey, did any of you neighborhood women ever get to see the inside of HIS bedroom? I’d bet not! He put the horns on your respective husband’s heads…with your help, of course!
Frankly, I do hope your husband finds out, about everything, too!
Used,
OMG! After you slamblasted me on another blog for even getting involved with a married man and for being married myself, YOU ARE MARRIED TOO????? Man, I came to this sight and posted my ENTIRE story up front, good, bad, and ugly, not just dropping bits and pieces at a time, why not come out and tell everything at the first???
Your B} Yes, I have good and bad days, I am not regressing. I am getting stronger each day. Each day presents knew issues, which is why I come here for advice and SUPPORTIVE feedback, to get through these things. I just addressed your “hateful” comments on another blog!!!! I would love for YOU TO HELP ME, but I don’t need another JOLT. I don’t need your brash comments. I need a little kindness and support right now. If you want to point out my mistakes, that is fine, I already know them. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, after 15 years of marriage. This is not a “pattern” for me.
From reading your situation, it appears that you are being pursued by a man and you are married. It does sound like our EUM’s are very much the same type of guy. Did you date this guy while you were married or before you were married? That would be important for us to know. I know now that I wasn’t “the love of his life” and that he used me to make himself feel more important and better.
You are right when you say that just because we are married we don’t become unattractive to others. But, honestly, I was so focused on my family and my own life prior to this mess, I looked at myself like an “old lady with two kids” and felt very unappealing to anyone else. So when my assclown came to me and said he had fallen in love with me before I was aware of it and thought I was beautiful, that is exactly what I told him, I laughed and said “I am an old lady with two kids”. He thought I was crazy.
You are right! I love my husband, never stopped, and I want to give him what he deserves and am working on my marriage with him. I am dealing with this crap with my EUM as a “side” issue, because it had nothing to do with how I feel about my husband. I want things to work out with my husband because they do, not because I didn’t “get the person I really wanted” and “had to settle for my husband.” That is not it at all.
I DO HAVE SELF RESPECT! That is why I walked away from him and have tried to hold my head high. You are right, I will never know what is in his head. I guess I was just trying to make some sense of it all, so that I can get some closure. I was just wanting other people’s opinions and thoughts to help me. I will not speak for Devastated, but I have heard what you have to say. It is the WAY you say it. You need to understand is that THE TRUTH HAS ALREADY HIT US IN THE FACE, or we wouldn’t even be here looking for help and advice!! We are open to the truth, good or bad. If we wanted the TOUGH LOVE attitude, we would have gone to Dr. Phil’s website.
Just like you said “If you had self-respect, you would not want to even look at the guy”. That is pretty abrasive. Maybe if you reread your statements before you submit them, people would be more “open” to your comments. Just say, “he has been horrible to you, please don’t look at the guy, respect yourself enough not to give him the time or the satisfaction”. We came to this site because we feel bad enough as it is, we don’t need to feel that we can’t express ourselves and get “respect” in return from the other bloggers.
Maybe my story can help someone else, that is all I can hope for. You really have a lot of insight, as it sounds like you have “been there”. I hope that we can help each other. I think that a lot more people are married or are involved with a married man and just aren’t being upfront about it. If we all “got real”, we might be able to help each other more.
so after almost a year, i ran into my ex ass clown over the long w/e.. Haven’t seen him since last summer.. I was with friends out at a hot spot and he comes in with his friends, one who i’m still close with or introduced us.. I was ok, a little nervous but ok. He comes by me and grabs my nose, i give the head nod and continue…He then settles in and approaches my friends and I.. as he comes over and stands there, we all just look at each other.. silence for about 10 seconds.. funny actually. He has had brass ones and thinks his sht doesn’t stink… My friend, right out of the gate tells him that she is now living in Boston and I’m working in Boston. He always bs’d about moving to Boston b/c he is too good for RI, he thinks. He jumps right to her and does not even acknowledge what she said about me working in Boston, funny actually.. That convo ended and he then approached my friends w/o me. Hmm.. where do I start with his lies, pathological i might add, and bs upon bs.. He told them he was divorced and is not, my friend asked when he went to court and he said “he didn’t have to go to court”.. she said, “uh, everyone has to go to court”.. 1st lie.. 2nd lie was that he bought a place, but he still lives in the same rental he did 2 years ago when he left his wife, and oh, he got divorced last year and bought a place last year but could not provide any details to the anything about his bs except to keep changing the subject.. my friends said..”he is a loser, it’s embarassing”…
I’m embarassed too.. who lies like that? LOL
Miserable Love–
I met the (last, and worst) EUM that I knew before I was married. He was single, too. (Very much so, b/c he was constantly seeing women on the side, alleging he was “looking for a new job” while he was “so busy” with his then-job.) I would never date anyone who was married, and I had plenty of opportunities to do so when single! And almost just as many now! These guys who would cheat figure we marrieds are part of a “club of silence”–as your experience well shows.
Funny, the same people who called my last EUM an a**hole when they knew I had just started dating him hang out with him and his wife now, even though he had treated her worse than he had treated me, and they actually have the nerve to ignore me whenever he is around (not when he isn’t, though). I guess I am the mean, bitchy ex? (Probably b/c of the way I dumped him.) Or am I the ex who must be ignored b/c he may still like me? Who knows and who cares! It doesn’t make a difference what they think.
I actually think that most people out there are EU, or “walking wounded”. Some take out their own misery on everyone else. That is part of how the cycle keeps on going! That is also why the terms “emotional vampire” (or just vampires in general) and toxic people have become so well known.
Just stay away from this guy. If you can, go for long drives, stay at one place, get your work done, and go back home after he and/or his new woman are in view. It will be good for you.
Used
Why are you being so hurtful to Miserable? Yes she made a mistake, as did I. But isn’t that why we are here. I am not trying to get back with Joe? I am trying to learn how to handle the situation that I put myself in. I am trying to make myself a better person so that this doesn’t happen to me again. I am trying to heal ME. Yes, I made a bad choice and I owned up to it and now I must live with it. I am no where near perfect, never claimed to be. But I cannot pass judgement on someone else because we are all human. I live with what I did to my ex husband every day. Luckily, he has forgiven me and we are now friends. After reading this site, I have dicovered alot about myself and with the help of alot of people on here, I have finally started to not feel so terrible about myself. I don’t think that being so mean to someone who is already down is what this is all about. I can fully understand how Miserable feels everyday as we both must see them. We are all learning and there may be bumps in the road, but we should all try and support each other, not try and make the road harder.
Used,
I have tried to be as kind as possible to you, and before I posted the 3:00 p.m. post, your 2:39 p.m. post hadn’t even been added to the blog! I really feel sorry for you, and I actually tried to be nice to you. Actually YOU should really not post on this site. You stand for the “drama” that we are all trying to avoid. You are a bitter person. I don’t know how I have “taught” jerks anything! I walked away from my EUM when he was terrible to me and haven’t talked to him in 4 months.
I have total respect for my husband. This situation that I had with another man was unprovoked and had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband at all. If you had “read and understood” my blogs you would know that I love my husband that I have never said what I did was “right” or “acceptable” by any stretch. You have NO IDEA what I would do in any situation because you don’t know me and haven’t tried to be kind to me in any way. It takes a really sick, fececious person to bring another blogger into this and diss her at the same time. Devastated hasn’t done anything to you. I really feel sorry for you and your pain. Is this the type of person you were before EUM?
I was never trying to have an EUM and a husband. It wasn’t like that at all. You act like I was trying to have both, which was not the case. And if it makes you feel a little more superior to minimize other’s feelings and retaliate on people you don’t even know, so be it.
Just so you know. I have never seen the inside of my EUM’s bedroom, nor has he mine. Our relationship was not like that. Don’t respond to me or any more blogs I post in the future. You have made yourself look very pathetic, judgemental, rude, and fececious to many people already, I would be embarrassed and mortified at myself to talk to someone like you have me. Find someone else to pick on.
Used,
The times are not right on these blogs, my time is 2:33 p.m. I just refreshed my page and your 6:13 p.m. post just showed up. I understand everything you said. The tone was much nicer and kinder. Thank you for the advice. I plan on staying away from him. I understand what you mean by toxic people. I am sorry for your situation too.
Miserable Love–
No problem.
#1: Don’t let this guy get under your skin anymore, in any way. You have some power and control here: the power of choice. Choose not to think about him, and to cut off any thoughts you may start having over him.
#2: Any contact with him won’t do you any good, even if it was restricted to his saying, “I’m sorry.” You gain nothing from that “I’m sorry” b/c he already wreaked havoc on your life. “I’m sorry” is for kids, especially in this case! (Wouldn’t we all love to have a sincere “I’m sorry” from the biggest jerk of our past, who fooled us into thinking there was a relationship, but who only used us for whatever their own purposes were?)
40% of all married women on this earth have affairs. Whether the guy is married or not, EUM or not, an a**hole or not, the man usually is the one who comes out “on top”. Why? Mainly b/c society works that way, and men are less emotional than women. The woman gets blamed and labeled as being the “bad” one.
Hey, in this post and all of the other posts, I am not saying you are bad, or passing judgment. I am saying: (A) wake up; and (B) this guy is a jerk who you should just avoid from now on!
Review my posts again. I am direct, yes, but not bitter/pissy/mean/judgmental/etc.
You are lucky to have healthy kids and a husband with a job. I don’t have kids, and want at least 2. And I went through the hell of having a husband w/o a job for almost 2 years. I am someone who takes life VERY seriously, b/c the decisions you make are serious–each and every one!
And no one takes the woman’s side, honey. (Especially, sadly, women!)
Good luck.
I can certainly sympathize with Miserable regarding the Married EUM. Not for anything but we are all on here because we all have “unhealthy†relationship habits. Whether the EUM is married, gay, abusive, has another girlfriend, has told you in words or actions that he doesnt want to be with you and you continue to pine for him. whether he lies and cheats behind your back and you still claim that “its love†etc..etc… the point is still that we are in an “unhealthy†relationship. Why pass more judgement on the one who just so happened to “FALL†for someone who is married or living with someone else?? Why should this person suffer any less than all the other above scenarios? Yes you can tell me that “WELL… You should have known better†or “you shouldnt have started something like that†but the truth is….. dating a married man and being “The Other woman†is PART of being involved in unhealthy relationships, is part of “UNAVAILABILITY†and is part of having to help ourselves realize what put us there and made us love ourselves soo little to actually accept being “The other woman†in the first place. Ofcourse if we would have “known better†these women would NOT have put themselves in these types of relationships but then they wouldn’t be on this site now would they? And why should that woman have “known better†than the one who continues to stay with the Alchoholic, or the physically abusive man, or with the one that doesnt call you back but you continue to call and text and obsess over him anyway? I can clearly look at other people’s stories and say: Gosh why didnt she know better or why doesnt she just have the courage to end it and get out? And well the answer is,,, because We dont and if we did we wouldnt be searching for answers to begin with! Not for anything– but NML has been the other woman as well… (back in the day. Go back and read her posts on this) and look at her now… she helps so many women with this site because she understands first hand what its like to be involved with these types of men!!!
So, while yes there are moral opinions that we may all have, I think the focus needs to remain on the fact that this is site where we all come to get support and to learn how to get ourselves out, learn about relationships and what we can do to not see ourselves in those types of situations ever again. One experience doesn’t make it wrong or more right than the other… they all suck, they all cause pain but most of all… they are all telling of the fact that we ALL need help in breaking these patterns and in learning to value ourselves more so that we can attract and experience a “healthy†relationship not so much with other men… but with OURSELVES! I dont think any woman who has been the “other woman†(myself included) has ever sat here and felt PROUD or justified in being so… we all have gone through feeling remorse, guilt, heartbreak, pain and most of all judged for getting ourselves into the mess to begin with…… but we all arrive at this site through different paths and different experiences…and the important thing is that we realize that we should not have put ourselves there in the first place. Not just because of the moral issues involved (or that some may feel more than others) but because how sad is it for the “Other woman†to think so little of herself to actually think that this is love or think about how low her self esteem and her relationship habits are to allow herself to be second place to anyone? The same goes for every other scenario. The underlying issue remains the same….we dont love and value ourselves enough!! Lets empower these women and embrace the fact that they have the courage to tell their story, and the courage to come to this site to gain some knowledge and the skills and tools necessary to get out of such damaging types of relationships. Change occurrs by changing ourselves first and every reason and experience that brings us to this site is valid reason enough because we are looking to better ourselves. Whether married or not, he is still “UNAVAILABLE†which is what this site is all about and it just doesnt make it more wrong or right to be here under those circumstances than any other!
anoldblogger – I am glad that when you ran into your exEUM you saw him for what he truly is this time. In some ways there’s your restitution – he didn’t get to you and you saw through the pathological lies and realized who he is and was all along.
I think all these assclowns are pathological liars, I remember comfronting my exEUM on it and he said “yeah whatever”. I told him he was the most selfish person I had ever met and he said “yeah, well all my friends are selfish too”. How’s that for maturity? Well, anyway I know it probably still bothers you a little, and may even wonder what he thought when he saw you but who cares? You proved that you’re bigger than stooping to his antics, and could walk away with your head held high.
This also showed that these EUM’s give information on a “need to know” basis. Especially the crap about where he lived and the divorce thing. He made himself look stupid. Works for me and I’m sure it worked for you too!
Kudos!
Karen ~ I agree with you – let’s try to help empower ourselves and others. thanks for the post.
How can I stop have fellings for my ex EUM? I went NC with him and Im trying to not think much about him but I still fell like a craving for him.I know he is no good for me and that we cant be happy together,like logicaly I know all that but is like my fellings wont follow it.
@ anusha,
With the ending of your relationship, you are going through grief. Grief hurts, as bonds transform to memories and experience and dreams of tomorrow. Rather than count the feelings today, and the pain, look for signs of a new life emerging. (This is something I might have read about, maybe “accentuate the positive”, but I could be wrong.)
Stay strong, and prosper. Living well is the *best* revenge – there is no negative karma.
@ Devastated, I don’t think Used is trying to be mean. I think she spots a real issue standing in the way if Miserable Love finding a happier way of life.
@used,
Go gently with Miserable Love, She is hiding from her problems by indulging in drama and gossip. Eventually she will hear her own words, and it will begin to make sense. Until then her investment in drama and agony will just have to play out.
@ Miserable Love, Used, Astelle, and others are not angry with you, nor are they picking on you. The issue is – you are using your writing to avoid taking responsibility for your life. Instead of asking for guidance – and then leaving the scene of the disaster – you are indulging in the drama, and the make-believe of a relationship with an EUM.
A journal might, with work, lead you to a solution. Instead you use dialogue and comparing stories to hide from the truth – that you aren’t ready for the changes in life that we both know you need to address.
Luck.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Kwai Chang Cain couldn’t have said it better
Devastated,
Is he paying you back some of the money you lent him? Well if he will pay you back, let him. But don’t let him hold the money over your head to keep you around. I refused to beg my EUM for any of the money I lent him. I gave him three chances to pay it back and he didn’t. If he doesn’t have enough scruples to even lend back the money he borrowed from me, he doesn’t deserve the same air I breathe. I have a hard time saying “No” to people and when I love someone, I give them anything I can, including money. I never asked him for anything, and have never asked anyone for money. You deserve more than a crumb and if only people would treat us the way we tried to treat them, life would be kinder and much simpler. But that is not a luxury we have right now. I am so exhausted from defending myself to other bloggers, I need to focus on healing myself. I truly believe that when our assclowns “offer” to spend time with us, they are just trying to appease us for a time. that is it. I hope you didn’t let him come over, but I respect the “place” you are in right now and respect your decisions. You really just need to get to the “place” where you refuse to talk to him. He should be able to say what he needs to say in one setting, return things/money, etc. then you need to make the decision to not talk to him anymore. If he tries to contact you, tell him NO, NO as many times as it takes. If you lay out the situation for him and tell him what you NEED, and he can’t fulfill it, it needs to be over. You are in a terrible predicament in that you work with him. He will continue to bother you until you make it clear he can’t any longer.
On this site, we are all in “different stages” with our assclowns and that needs to be respected and not minimized for anyone. You are trying to do NC. And I will support you through it, setbacks and all, been there done that. There is no shame left to be had on this website, we are all fully engulfed in our shame and failures. Find out why he keeps “bothering” you. Demand that he say what he needs to say and be done. I understand that you feel like you will be alone the rest of your life, but you won’t, and you won’t be able to find anyone new until you release yourself from this situation and heal. You WILL find someone better and more deserving, but right now you can’t see through the smoke. I totally understand. The quicker you move on, the quicker you will find the “right” one. That is what we are here for, to help each other. And funny that you gave me your email, I was just thinking that I wish I could have your email to talk on a more personal level. I never worried about being attacked or scrutinized on this website, and as I have come to learn, that is what happened, and I can assure you, that is NOT AT ALL what I need right now. Hang in there!
Brad K.
Can you give a little more feedback?
What is the real issue Used spotted preventing me from finding a happier way of life? I guess I missed the “issue”, which is why I have been here in the first place. Maybe she can spot everyone else’s problems and save us the misery of days of postings so we can get on with our lives. I am sorry, I and others will disagree that there was plenty of “mean” coming out.
I don’t need Used to “go gently” with me, that is an insult. I don’t need to be “handled with care”, just given the common courtesy and respect that every other person has been given. Have you read my posts? What drama and gossip am I indulging in? I haven’t had any contact with EUM in 4 months. I don’t know what gossip I have heard. I have posed a few questions for other bloggers in hopes that someone else has been through the same issues and could provide their advice or experience.??? I don’t understand what I am indulging in????? Maybe you can be a little clearer.
How can your thoughts/problems that you are sharing with others and asking feedback on be “avoiding taking responsibility for my life”? I haven’t had any contact with him, it is not like I keep running back for more, then come crying back to the sight for help after “falling off the wagon”. Which shouldn’t matter anyway, because this site is for people in all stages of dealing with an EUM. ??? I asked for advice on how to break myself from trying to see him?? And yet, what I get in return is that my actions make me weak thus I am purposely avoiding taking responsibility for my life?? Everyone here has had a “make believe” relationship. Why are you all here then? Maybe instead of putting down other people to lift themselves up, they should stop judging and start giving sound advice and recommendations.
What dialogue and comparing stories I am using to hide from the truth? I already know the truth, that doesn’t change the fact that we are all still broken and trying to put our lives back together, facing obstacles along the way. If you can address my questions, maybe I can better understand what you are trying to say.
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