RUN Forward from this one!!!!

Remember, the words are very easy, I think he has proven through his actions he is a horrible candidate as a partner. “It just happened!” What the hell is that???????

Wishing you the best.

It is a classic case of him pursuing others that don’t require commitment – she being in a relationship (or maybe just exiting one), and him just getting out of one. He pursued me while I was married when my ex-husband and I were going separate ways. Not wise on my part. During that time he never expected anything, never demanded any commitment. And I understand why – because it must have been convenient.

But this article and others on the website have been so encouraging and helpful. I want to get to the point where I no longer care whether or not he sticks with this other woman or gives her something that he didn’t give to me. It is as the post said – he is living – even if it is his half-life – and it is time I live fully for myself.

The one thing is, who are them to judge, and the next one thing is (back focus on ourselves) do we want a man, that has such an imagination of women in generell? Like this person is someone to merry, I treat her with respect and the other one is a bitch, I can use her as I want to?

It’s just my opinion, I know at least that my EUM devides women into that categories and I had an Ex, that is now a terrible player, but i was and still am his holy madonna. Although he treats me with respect and tells me everything about, how assclowns thinks and how much I must take care, I only have to shake my head about, how he is treating other women, and that is caused by somehow a limited chauvinistic mind….

xxxjen

I’d LOVE to see more posts on this topic, namely how the AC/EUM is so able not only to move on to another pigeon so rapidly with NO regard for your feelings and despite all the intimacies and vulnerabilities you shared, but usually goes on (in my case anyway) to flaunt the new relationships and rub the fallback girl’s face in it…then goes on to fast track the whole thing to cohabitation and engagement. It’s like playing a losing slot machine all day to walk away and the very next person comes along and wins the jackpot!

You’ve addressed the issue in this blog of course, but if you could follow it up with sequels to reinforce the idea or show additional perspective into this phenomenon, many of us would be able to make sense out of the nonsense.

But then the relationship issue would come up again because of course, I only wanted to be with him and wanted us to be exclusive. He’d say stuff like he didn’t see me in a romantic way or I wasn’t someone he thought of having a relationship with or I’d get the “I’m just not ready now” response. I challenged him on his feelings and when he didn’t say what I wanted to hear I cut things off. We stopped seeing each other again for almost a year. I didn’t even talk to him for a while. But like a fool I let him back in again. The problem is I wouldn’t never cut off contact completely for long enough and we’d continue our “friendship”. The thing is, I truly considered him a friend, regardless of what happened to us romantically. He just seemed like someone who I could always count on and we had such a strong bond.

Fast-forward to this summer, at which point we’d been seeing each other again for about 3 1/2 months. For my birthday in May he went above and beyond what he’d normally do. I saw him more that week than I normally would. He just kept doing and doing. I really felt we had made some real progress. When he’s HOT he’s hot. But then by end of June he was back to cold. And when I asked for more of his time, I got him asking what my expectations were. Pretty soon we agreed to stop sleeping together and just focus on our friendship. He stressed to me that he really was not ready for a relationship with anybody, that he had so much going on with his writing, his job, his brother (who was staying with him) and his sick grandmother who was in and out of the hospital (out of state). I truly believed that he just couldn’t deal with anymore right now. Then come to find out on his Facebook page a couple weeks ago that his status says “In a relationship”. Imagine my surprise. He tried to downplay the relationship with this girl he’s been talking to on and off for a year. I was hurt obviously because less than a month before he gave me the “not ready” speech and *poof* now he is? And with someone else? And then because I did truly consider him one of my closest friend’s, it hurt that he didn’t even just tell me and let me find out on FB.

I don’t know for sure but I think this girl is younger than me and perhaps not doing as much as me career wise. He’s always seemed a bit intimidated by my career because as I’ve moved up he asks me less and less about my job while everyone else is excited for me. He’s very much the type that likes to be the man running things, that type of guy. I wonder if that has something to do with it.

Anyway, that’s the long short version of the story. I could use any helpful tips on moving on. I’ve tried so many times before and always get sucked back in. This time he’s got a girlfriend and it hurts like hell. I have started dating again just to not be defeated and keep putting myself out there. I haven’t gone into a hole as I’ve done in the past and I’m out living my life. But when I’m alone or not busy the pain is still great. When does it get easier? And what are the best things to do to move on and stop obsessing on why he picked someone else instead of me?

You have a bit of comfort in your life, those few moments in his arms. And although the rest of the time the bozo is twisted, abusive, and manipulative, you dearly want those precious moments to be true, that you have comfort in your life.

So far, this is normal and expected human behavior. We treasure closeness, and the familiar. We fight to hang on, to grow our lives and our families. This is the reward for affection and love, the treasure that preserves a relationship.

But you are unwilling to face what you know to be true, and are unwilling to do what you know you must.

I don’t know your bozo. He might be intentionally misusing you, or he might be an amoral and opportunistic bastard that is willing to take what you are offering while it doesn’t cost him any time or effort, at his convenience.

You have been using him for sex. While he was available, he didn’t mind. But you didn’t pick him to be a mate, you never established a long term relationship. You knew, for dead certain sure, that this was a man unsuited to being a responsible person, he has no character, he has no redeeming social value, outside those moments in your arms. This has been a sex adventure. Adventures skirt danger, give one a thrill, and end.

Even though you want to see the moments with him in your arms as the truth, and want to expand that (or maybe just leave things loose and “free” for your own convenience), the truth is that convenience is all there is for you and him. At least, it was convenient for him until you wanted respect and caring and the attention you normally only expect from a mate. But you don’t have a mated relationship, and apparently neither of you really wants one. And you *do* want something casual, or you would be looking at guys free to form a bond.

In one sense you are being unreasonable. You use him for sex, then confuse what you have with a relationship. You are not even according him the respect of “Friends with Benefits”, when you use the intimacy you shared as a lever to make him answer to your calls and questions.

The choice seems to be between an ephemeral sex adventure and a life-mated, shared life. It seems to be one or the other, and only the shared life with a responsible mate of character, a family, is really stable.

I am sad that your xbf passed away, and that you felt there were still unresolved things between you. That is one reason to avoid harsh words, too often life intervenes and we cannot undo the harm we cause.

Stick to written, snail-mailed communications. I would seriously consider canceling any service for text messaging. Reserve emails for technical questions unrelated to real life. Never seal or mail a letter until at least the day after you write it.

I found an article on web design, http://vietphotoshop.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/how-to-be-a-samurai-designer/, that relates a book on Samurai warriors to life and craft. Like most self-consistent approaches, the Hagakure has something that I think applies here – “Treat great matters gently”. On the important things, consider what you know, and what your options are on your own time, away from contact or conflict. Know what you know, what your goals are, and understand all aspects of what you want. Then, when you come in contact, base your actions on what you have since considered, make quick choices and act decisively on what you have determined to be a way to achieve what you wish.

“Make decisions quickly” – never take more than seven breaths to make a decision, and act on it. Because you have considered the matter before making the decision, you will not doubt a decision. New information might change your choice, but until you get new information, you trust yourself, respect yourself, and accept the results of your choice.

There is more in the article, and in the Samurai book and philosophy. And it really does pertain to life and relationships, about choosing goals and acting.

Jackie, the Tarot teaches about change. When change happens, some things are lost in making room for the new. “Each journey ends, and a new journey goes forth.” Sometimes we can take our treasures with us on that next journey, other times we have to start over. “When a door is closed to us, a window is opened” – we don’t get to try that new opportunity, that newly opened windows, until that door gets slammed on us.

Growth – change – is measured in pain and discomfort. I might have mentioned that before.

There are lots of ways of describing that wall you face, the one that blocks out the sun, blocks out hope, blocks out any assurance that life could be better. But it always comes back to – that wall stands between you and yesterday. Turn around, accept what is, and choose to walk away. Chasing comfort in a man’s arms without the security and serenity of a home and a true life mate isn’t working. If you want more than a few minutes of comfort at a time, then you have to secure the relationship first. Then you can devote all your heart and energy within that relationship to gift, to expand, and to grow the joy of a home and family.

Shame is not a natural feeling. Shame is always something taught by a culture to define and enforce rules. Different cultures define embarrassment and shame differently. In the US there are many that decry seeing a naked body; others happily pursue personal and family body acceptance – social recreational nudity – family oriented, non-sexual, organized recreation.

You speak of shame, but not what you are ashamed about. Is it sex outside marriage? Is it knowing that he isn’t a suitable mate, you you look to him for some part of the role of a mate? Is it looking foolish for choosing to live without him in your life, yet again sharing sex with this flighty bimboid? Are you ashamed, mortified, and horrified that you *gasp* have trash that needed to go to the dump?

Well, next time call your regular trash company, and ask for their advice in getting that trash hauled away. There is no reason to let finding yourself with trash to discard be an emotional issue. People have trash quite often, and many times they manage to get the trash disposed of without suffering shame and humiliation. Often, if you don’t call it trash, you can even list it on CraigsList or FreeCycle.

Ever hear the make-believe prayer, “Lord, please grant me patience, and I want it *right now*!”? We develop patience, and concentration, and discipline by trying again. And again. And again. Note that you seldom try again if it worked the first time. Because we keep trying, we keep looking at the choices we make and try again, we find ourselves getting used to finishing what we start. Sticking to our resolve. Because we expect to try again, and keep trying, we get into the habit of expecting to see our choices through.

Whether your neighbor does what he does because he is evil, because he is immature, whether he is emotionally damaged or emotionally incompetent – doesn’t matter. What matters in your life is whether you choose the people you will trust and depend on, or allow others to make those choices for you. What matters is whether you set boundaries, and use those boundaries to improve yourself and your community. What matters is learning to like and love yourself, learning to protect what is precious to you, learning that you must pick and choose how and when to share joy in life. What matters it that you learn yourself and your needs, so that in daily life the choices are obvious, clear, and simple to see, and what you need to do about them is also clear and as courteous as you can be.

Again, a journal, a *very* private notebook can be essential in discovering who you are, what you need, who and what you respect, and what you have made part of your life that you don’t respect or trust. Write daily, at least. Perhaps select the two or three most important thoughts to list, and maybe describe. Those two or three things should be the biggest of the many, and may start out to be hurts and sorrows – but should, over time, become goals and dreams and desires, and people you admire for their character and events that you find joy and pride in how you participate. Ultimately, a counselor guides you to explore these same values. Check with your library, and see if there aren’t some self discovery resources available.

Luck.
Brad K.´s last blog ..g: Image of self esteem

jackie

The funny thing about this particular guy is he actually “called” quite a bit …the text messaging was just a recent thing after the break up. He did call me once post break-up and I hung up after 4 min cause I really had nothing to say, I brushed him off and acted totally happy in my own life. Hopefully I gave him the message that I don’t want to be “friends” with him. I told him the story about my former AC and said I will never put up with a man like that again in my life. He might be genuinely trying to be my friend but I don’t buy it..what guy JUST wants to be friends after dating and intimacy? One thing he hasn’t done since the break-up is flirt or insinuate hooking up with me…and now the last week he has not contacted me at all…

Maybe he’s not an AC after all…I’m not really sure

NML has noted several times – guys that text a lot are often problem cases. If they are satisfied with an electronic relationship, then you won’t have much luck with them in real life.

Almost the same story goes for meeting people on line – the odds are someone online is looking for a sex adventure, not a life mate to share the rest of their life with. Guys that come on strong – are likely looking for a bed partner, and are also likely to be highly skilled, and unlikely to want off their perpetual dating routine.

What is left? Character, substance, respect, someone more active in their family and community, and has pretty much given up on the clubs and single spots. Meeting guys of character will be tougher, you may need to get them interested in a relationship at all, and they may be more interested in respect and trust than a hot appearance.

Make friends with some solid, good people, married women – people that can tell the riffraff right off, and will likely want to see you paired up. Be active in your community. Make friendships based on respect and trust. Avoid those out for a good time – they act as “good people” repellent. Make good friends that will introduce you to good people.

In short, if you have chosen poorly a couple of times, you probably need to change what you are looking for, and how you are looking. If you are settling for guys that don’t settle down to be “The One” you may need to look at your self esteem, to find out why you are willing to consider someone unsuitable. And the Fallback Girl book explores the dangers of betting on him improving or becoming better. Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change.

Any one that will tell you they don’t want a relationship, that may be the truest words you ever hear from them. These are fundamental deal-breakers. You cannot stay and still respect them. If you disregard their words, you call him a liar – and acknowledge that you are choosing to be with a liar or with someone in it for the thrills, for now. Thank him and move on, when you get the “I need space/time”, “I am getting over X” whatever X is. Tell you you can respect that, and don’t call again.
Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Boundaries – keep kids, romance safe.