Invariably when we find ourselves in a situation where we won’t let go of a poor relationship, there’s a bit of illusion holding going on. We’re either wanting him to be the man we thought he was or trying to get him to be the man we thought he could be, if only a number of factors happened to help it along. Part of the reason why so much time can pass is because in order for us to dig our heels in, we end up distancing ourselves from the reality of the relationship and him, and even our own behaviour, and we put our own spin on it, projecting the cosier illusion of things and essentially living in denial.
The trouble is this:
It’s very easy to say that you love someone and that you’re trying your best to make things work when you’ve chosen to be with someone who you know isn’t capable of reciprocating.
It’s very easy to avoid making real change, making decisions, and examining what part you are playing in the relationship when you avoid the reality by holding on to the illusion of him which also creates a false, illusionary relationship based on non existent foundations.
How can you even start to work on issues if you’re not in the real world?
How can you know whether what you’re in is good or bad when you won’t get real and you make up whatever you want,to fill the gap?
If you’re projecting or stuck in the past, how can you have or get perspective?
When you live in fear and choose men that reflect the negative things you believe about yourself, love, and relationships, which then creates self-fulfilling prophecies that let you keep your pattern and cater to your fears, you’ll find yourself in relationships that whilst drama filled and taxing at the best of times, they allow you to not have to fully engage yourself.
You know how these relationships will play out as often you choose same guy, different package.
You could be trying to forge a relationship with the type of man you profess to want but instead you try to fit a square peg in a round hole and suffer with Betting on Potential and I Can Change Him syndrome.
You could let go instead of waiting for him to be the one to finalise things, but instead you stay and end up suffering.
You could be emotionally engaging with someone who actually wants to engage on a habitual basis, not just when he’s in need of a shag, an ego stroke, or a shoulder to lean on.
But instead…you opt to engage with someone who is an emotional flip flapper, sometimes or even often, lacking in empathy, or is even just emotionally vacant. It’s a bit like trying to get water out of a dry well – you keep sending the bucket down into black hole of emotion hoping for some drops to be in the bucket, but it keeps coming back dry. So you send the bucket down again….
I’ve asked before why do we keep choosing poor relationships even though it hurts?
Well aside from relationship insanity which has us choosing the same experience again and again but expecting a different result this time, there’s an element of emotional laziness.
You may feel like you’re expending a whole lot of emotion but considering that you often know what you’re going to get back, making it a waste of your energy, you are being emotionally lazy because rather than look a little closer to home, address your own issues, adapt and start choosing better partners, you take the ‘easier’ route of following the pattern that you know, which yields the same experiences, which causes you more pain and drama.
But this pain and drama that you experience is not as bad as the fear that you have of putting yourself out there with real opportunities.
When you don’t believe in yourself and have internalised many of your relationship experiences to end up believing that you’re ‘not good enough’ and unworthy, you become afraid of being with someone halfway decent in the fear that they will see the things that you see, or even find more flaws.
So you choose someone like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns who keep you in your emotional comfort zone – emotional laziness.
Don’t get me wrong – it’s uncomfortable with these men but it’s a familiar uncomfortable and it’s not as uncomfortable as stepping outside of this comfort zone would be and treading into an unknown.
The drama, ambiguity, confusion, outrage, disappointment, highs, lows, ‘fireworks’, ‘passion’, pain, lies, deceit and the whole kit and kaboodle are familiar. The fact that you’ve had poor experiences but haven’t strayed too far from your ideas about compatibility, type, and ‘common’ interests suggests that even though you aren’t happy, the fear of getting real is still bigger than anything else you’ve experienced.
You can attach whatever meaning you want to his behaviour and your relationship, and even your own behaviour, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re struggling to let go of a relationship that doesn’t actually exist.
Your relationship and your perception of him is not rooted in reality so you’re not truly risking yourself.
I know from own personal experience and those of many women I have corresponded with and the comments on this site that it is very easy to say you want a different experience and it’s very easy to focus on him, but it’s not so easy to actually opt for the different experience and focus on ourselves.
But you have to, because if you don’t, years will go by like sand through your fingers and you will suddenly start getting jolts that force you to look at the reality. Better for it to be sooner rather than later so you can start living your life now, and engaging with people who will actually engage back and reciprocate rather than have you jumping through constantly shifting hoops to ‘win’ them.
Get active on you and discourage yourself from choosing what appears to be the easier yet painful option that always yields the same results.
Your thoughts? Do you think you’re emotionally lazy?
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To Angelina: This is something I really didn’t/don’t understand … how they evidently ‘go off’ you and then stubbornly just won’t do anything about it! When I realised things were slipping I thought, well, it’s a matter of days (or hours!) now before he’ll end it. But I realise this is the ‘normal’ (for want of a better word) way to do it, not the usual EU way (apparently). This is a mystery … as I still can’t figure out (perhaps there is no way to) why he would want me around as he seems to really *want* to be/live alone. He made some cutting remarks along these lines, when I visited once he said longed to have his house by himself again, etc. I was really hurt by this. He was generally a blunt person, but didn’t seem to have a clue just how impolite and inappropriate his remarks could be. However … he says he is still ‘in love’ but of course one knows when things radically change. This is when I feel I am being messed with, big style. I can easily imagine how one can start to mistrust one’s own judgement after a while … they really do not know what they want! He often told me how ‘confused’ he was. I’ve even read that before, amazing … they even say the same things!!
(By the way, I didn’t sleep with him because I kept feeling I’d rather wait. Maybe it was my intuition and I am so very glad I didn’t. I am mentioning this because it makes it even more difficult to imagine why he’d hold on as there’s plenty of that to be offered elsewhere).
To Cece: I am so glad that my post could help you! I am very sorry though to hear about your experiences. It seems situations like these can affect your emotional, as well as physical health – it’s only logical I suppose. I started having headaches when given all the mixed messages. But that seems nothing compared to what you’ve endured though. I really hope you can pull through somehow, also considering your childhood experiences. Seven years is a long time with someone, but cutting contact should help – if you haven’t done that already.
Sorry if my post wasn’t helpful enough, but I really wish you well xx
@Meant I am going to disagree with Aega. Cry. Cry like crazy. Cry in the shower where it doesn’t show, get it all out.
I know how you are feeling and I understand but you’re doing so very well. I’m so glad to hear you didn’t chase him … I just hope he doesn’t turn up the volume because you will feel like shit if you do anything with this man as you know. Then you have to start over, and that is much harder (though I think we all do it once at least).
We’re all there with you babe
@ Cece
I had an unpleasant experience the past few days. Someone I only regard as a friend decided that he was interested – and he’s SO flippy flappy already that there wasn’t even red flags, it was just repellant. It’s so strange, as has been said, you can see the signs in dayglo once you have been there. This guy tho has always been quiet and gentle, thoughtful … and suddenly I am in some emo drama fest where because I hold certain views and opinions (not about him, his life etc) that I have “betrayed his image of me”.
Nuff said. I’m not doing NC cos I don’t think I need to, he actually said TWICE on both days “This discussion ends now” and walked off.
Idiot.
And yes I think a lot of women are EU now under the impression that this gives them what they are looking for rather than perpetuating how crap our society is becoming.
Meant, keep wearing those heels !
Look, I did cry for the EUM but I am so very firm in my resolve that I will not speak with him at all unless it is with a professional. Someone in the middle who will call time out and watch out for me. I guess I can cry for the man that he may want to be, but cannot work to be. I saw potential in him, as does he, because he is a recovered alcoholic and giving up that implies a level of ability. He has been sober for a decade or two, but has never really done the work to figure why he got there in the first place – blames the bottle.
Meant, just remember that what you crave is a fix of a drug that is not good for you at all. Feels good for a bit maybe but then the unsatisfying nature of it all sets in. And if he is a charmer and a user just consider him as the pusher also – he does understand nor care much about your emo health, he wants his payoff. This is the point to see that women get more emotionally invested than EU men, and, unlike us, those men can turn off what little emotion they do feel.
Cece, your story is hard to hear. I have been in a various states of depression for a few years dealing with the EUM. These men are draining and often purposefully hurtful. But please be proud that you took the right action for your own health, and he did his best to hurt you in return, and prob make you feel crazy. You have survived a battle, you have been wounded but you are recovering.
I have learned to not expect a quick fix here, truly the one day at a time approach. I get out of bed everyday but I do have to use extra care to take care of my health. I try to meditate, eat right and I should start an exercise program. I force myself to go to work ( i am self employed and do have a choice many days) Just get a picture of your head of you in the future, as a wise comfortable woman and keep that picture in mind everyday. I am not a painter but I am working on a self portrait of me to remind me of who I want to be. Make sure you have a friend watching out for you in this state, this is a good place for some support, I hope we can be of some help.
Meant to be happy,
I (and probably a lot of us) was waiting to hear how your day went, and like everyone else has said so far YOU DID GREAT! I saw that someone else mentioned that he might turn up the volume today, and I was thinking the same thing. You might need to turn up your “stay away from me” volume as well.
I so remember having to be tough and fake the smile when he showed up somewhere after 2 months of no contact, and when he approached me that night, that was when I pulled the “so how’s your wife?” thing, and it really, really helped!
I went home and cried, too, but I was able to get back to no contact right away.
My best friend suggested putting post it notes everywhere in my house and my car that said D.I.A.A. which stood for D________ Is An Ass. I had to write it in code because I have kids, but it really worked, and it even made me laugh when I got up in the morning and there was a post it on my bathroom mirror reminding me of my mission to stay away.
You’ll be stronger after this!
hello all. This is my first post. I have been reading this site for over 3 months now and have finally managed to go NC with my Mr. EU. I am on day 6 today and its harder than I thought but I know I am doing the right thing. We were in a relationship for a year and a half and broke up in May with him flipflapping in and out of my life and breaking my heart over and over again. I know I am doing the right thing. I just wish I could get the illusion of him out of my head and see the real him for who he is. Thank you Natalie and all the active members on this site. You have given me the courage to go NC and opt out. I know it will get easier in time. I know that every lazy attempt of contact via text is just to check to see if I am still have feelings for him and give him the ego boost, not an attempt to put both feet in a relationship and fix all of our issues. He is too selfish for that and now has others girls to boost his ego. I will make it through today and the next and I will keep reading this site to keep me going strong.
@ Tara
Those other girls will probably end up here too. Well done for taking that step, doing so purposefully and with knowledge. That laziness and the popping in and out is so so not worth it, at least you already know it for what it is. I hope you have something nice planned.
Well, I have been fine about the ex but one, but then he mailed me today. The coldness … I already am well aware that in his mind me taking back my things, the business transaction tone etc … I’m surprised how much this hurts me how he is acting. I really did waste all those years and for nothing, if I had only known then what I do now. Proof positive that contact hurts cos I am much happier without him, I know this for sure, and I am guessing that having more of my things will further make me fed up as they remind me of that time but they are books, DVDs etc which I earned the money to buy and which I love so …
Urgh.
@Butterfly,
Thank you for your kind words. NC is so hard when I long for him to say the right things and still love him with all my heart. But truth is he doesnt value me or see the treasure I am, so why do I love this guy?! ugh he just continues to lead me on and blow hot by telling me he loves me and wants to hold me all night and cant imagine his life without me, just to turn around the next day with “whoa, I told you I don’t want a relationship right now. I’m selfish and I will always be selfish”. truth is I’m just tired, tired of him disappointing me.
I’m sorry that your hurting. When they act ice cold it is usually just a front for their huge egos, so you don’t see that you actually affect him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, you and everyone else on this site deserves to be treasured and adored on a consistent basis. Congratulations in realizing that you are so much happier without him =) may that give you all the strength you need.
“Nobody is worth your tears, and the one who is won’t make you cry.”
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