Thank you for your kind words. NC is so hard when I long for him to say the right things and still love him with all my heart. But truth is he doesnt value me or see the treasure I am, so why do I love this guy?! ugh he just continues to lead me on and blow hot by telling me he loves me and wants to hold me all night and cant imagine his life without me, just to turn around the next day with “whoa, I told you I don’t want a relationship right now. I’m selfish and I will always be selfish”. truth is I’m just tired, tired of him disappointing me.

I’m sorry that your hurting. When they act ice cold it is usually just a front for their huge egos, so you don’t see that you actually affect him. You don’t need someone in your life that hurts you, you and everyone else on this site deserves to be treasured and adored on a consistent basis. Congratulations in realizing that you are so much happier without him =) may that give you all the strength you need.

“Nobody is worth your tears, and the one who is won’t make you cry.”

Those other girls will probably end up here too. Well done for taking that step, doing so purposefully and with knowledge. That laziness and the popping in and out is so so not worth it, at least you already know it for what it is. I hope you have something nice planned.

Well, I have been fine about the ex but one, but then he mailed me today. The coldness … I already am well aware that in his mind me taking back my things, the business transaction tone etc … I’m surprised how much this hurts me how he is acting. I really did waste all those years and for nothing, if I had only known then what I do now. Proof positive that contact hurts cos I am much happier without him, I know this for sure, and I am guessing that having more of my things will further make me fed up as they remind me of that time but they are books, DVDs etc which I earned the money to buy and which I love so …

Urgh.

I (and probably a lot of us) was waiting to hear how your day went, and like everyone else has said so far YOU DID GREAT! I saw that someone else mentioned that he might turn up the volume today, and I was thinking the same thing. You might need to turn up your “stay away from me” volume as well.

I so remember having to be tough and fake the smile when he showed up somewhere after 2 months of no contact, and when he approached me that night, that was when I pulled the “so how’s your wife?” thing, and it really, really helped!

I went home and cried, too, but I was able to get back to no contact right away.

My best friend suggested putting post it notes everywhere in my house and my car that said D.I.A.A. which stood for D________ Is An Ass. I had to write it in code because I have kids, but it really worked, and it even made me laugh when I got up in the morning and there was a post it on my bathroom mirror reminding me of my mission to stay away.

You’ll be stronger after this!

Look, I did cry for the EUM but I am so very firm in my resolve that I will not speak with him at all unless it is with a professional. Someone in the middle who will call time out and watch out for me. I guess I can cry for the man that he may want to be, but cannot work to be. I saw potential in him, as does he, because he is a recovered alcoholic and giving up that implies a level of ability. He has been sober for a decade or two, but has never really done the work to figure why he got there in the first place – blames the bottle.

Meant, just remember that what you crave is a fix of a drug that is not good for you at all. Feels good for a bit maybe but then the unsatisfying nature of it all sets in. And if he is a charmer and a user just consider him as the pusher also – he does understand nor care much about your emo health, he wants his payoff. This is the point to see that women get more emotionally invested than EU men, and, unlike us, those men can turn off what little emotion they do feel.

Cece, your story is hard to hear. I have been in a various states of depression for a few years dealing with the EUM. These men are draining and often purposefully hurtful. But please be proud that you took the right action for your own health, and he did his best to hurt you in return, and prob make you feel crazy. You have survived a battle, you have been wounded but you are recovering.

I have learned to not expect a quick fix here, truly the one day at a time approach. I get out of bed everyday but I do have to use extra care to take care of my health. I try to meditate, eat right and I should start an exercise program. I force myself to go to work ( i am self employed and do have a choice many days) Just get a picture of your head of you in the future, as a wise comfortable woman and keep that picture in mind everyday. I am not a painter but I am working on a self portrait of me to remind me of who I want to be. Make sure you have a friend watching out for you in this state, this is a good place for some support, I hope we can be of some help.

I had an unpleasant experience the past few days. Someone I only regard as a friend decided that he was interested – and he’s SO flippy flappy already that there wasn’t even red flags, it was just repellant. It’s so strange, as has been said, you can see the signs in dayglo once you have been there. This guy tho has always been quiet and gentle, thoughtful … and suddenly I am in some emo drama fest where because I hold certain views and opinions (not about him, his life etc) that I have “betrayed his image of me”.

Nuff said. I’m not doing NC cos I don’t think I need to, he actually said TWICE on both days “This discussion ends now” and walked off.

Idiot.

And yes I think a lot of women are EU now under the impression that this gives them what they are looking for rather than perpetuating how crap our society is becoming.

I know how you are feeling and I understand but you’re doing so very well. I’m so glad to hear you didn’t chase him … I just hope he doesn’t turn up the volume because you will feel like shit if you do anything with this man as you know. Then you have to start over, and that is much harder (though I think we all do it once at least).

We’re all there with you babe

(By the way, I didn’t sleep with him because I kept feeling I’d rather wait. Maybe it was my intuition and I am so very glad I didn’t. I am mentioning this because it makes it even more difficult to imagine why he’d hold on as there’s plenty of that to be offered elsewhere).

To Cece: I am so glad that my post could help you! I am very sorry though to hear about your experiences. It seems situations like these can affect your emotional, as well as physical health – it’s only logical I suppose. I started having headaches when given all the mixed messages. But that seems nothing compared to what you’ve endured though. I really hope you can pull through somehow, also considering your childhood experiences. Seven years is a long time with someone, but cutting contact should help – if you haven’t done that already.

Sorry if my post wasn’t helpful enough, but I really wish you well xx

Lots of hugs.

I am sitting here in my hotel room balling my eyes out. It was so difficult to see my ex today that I couldn’t even look at him for the first part of the meeting today. He eventually said “hello” to me, and I answered briefly, then spoke as little as possible to him through the meeting and during the dinner/drinks afterwards. I made sure I was talking to other people the whole time, and kept a big (not fully authentic) smile on my face.

It took all my will power not to talk to him in the way I usually do at these conferences. If I saw him talking to a woman, I felt jealous for a bit, but was relieved he didn’t talk to anyone for long.

All I want right now is for him to come to my room and see me, but I didn’t tell him my room number like I usually do, so I know it’s not going to happen, and I know it would be breaking NC in a big way.

I am so pleased that I was able to resist him tonight (not that he put a *lot* of effort into talking to me – just got some reading materials for me that were helpful for a project I’m working on, and a few other minor gestures). I guess I’m glad that I didn’t “chase” him really. But I am also sooooo sad, and longing to be with him. Like I said, his voice, and the way he smells drive me crazy with desire. I can’t stop sobbing, and I am not looking forward to doing what I need to do for the conference tomorrow.

Sorry if I’m rambling and not making sense- I am posting here instead of what I would usually be doing – sleeping with *him*. Oh yes, and I have also had some alcohol this evening.

This feels horrible, but I know it would feel even worse if I were to sleep with him. It’s funny, I was having a conversation with another colleague (a man) who is divorced and recently in a new relationship, and he was telling me about women who have approached *him* in the last few years about having a no-strings sex relationship with him. He is surprised at the number of women who have suggested this. Did I miss something here, while women became as EU and compartmentalize relationships as much as how we typically thing of men doing?

I suppose I should get to bed – I have a *lot* to do tomorrow and it’s after 1am here. Thank you all for being there, and for all your suggestions earlier. Thinking of all of you was so helpful in getting through this very difficult first time seeing my ex since we broke up.

good night all,

Meant xo

Your description of EUM was really helpful, for me as I am still realing from the end of a 7 year relationship with my ex. On the surface he appeared to most a “catch”. Funny, nice, good looking, has established his career – while on the inside I can tell you the nice easy going, physcially affectionate person was emotionally vacant. As long as we didn’t discuss anything of substance, or I required him to be honest, respect my feelings, put our relationship on his list of priorities, or asked him to express his emotions then everything was fine. I learned through my own experiences not to ask for anything, my feelings weren’t important while growing up in an home where my sister, mother, and i endured physical, psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. My ex eum seemed like a dream compared to the things i have had to live through – so I made noise, complained, argued, counselled till I was blue in the face. Just to get a few crumbs from my ex, in the end I couldn’t take it anymore I had no support not in any substantial way. I was suffering with my own issues stemming from my childhold which I had neglected to scared to face – and instead poured all and I mean all my emotional energy into our relationship. In the last year I felt empty so empty i couldn’t do it anymore, i realized i had no sense of who i was outside of the relationship. I made an effort to make friends with people, for the first time in my life trying to break down the wall i had built around myself outside of my personal relationship. My ex was not pleased, but never really expressed it, just passive aggressive behaviour. In the end I realized that I needed to figure out what was going on with me, since he didn’t feel comfortable talking about my issues and had become increasingly impatient with my absent labido as i battled the trauma of the sexual and physical abuse – waking up in cold sweats with nightmeres. He basically shut down, said nothing I explained to him I needed to step back try to deal with my problems figure out who i was outside of the relationship and was going to stay by myself for a bit but was not abandoning him. I called him constantly and tried to talk to him about our relationship and my needs … within three weeks he was sleeping with some 23 year chick he picked up at a club and is still with her to this day. I almost had a nervous breakdown and he continued to see her while we still lived together until the house was sold, and treating me like shit, first lying about the other woman and then openly flaunting his relationship in my face. I endured that for 5 months until we sold the home, and when we got an offer he attempted to derail it, saying we should hold out for a better one. In the meantime, i had stopped eating, sleeping, was drinking and couldn’t continue in my studies had to stop and all i could do was lie in my bed with constant anxiety attacks, dissociation and depersonalization. He barely took pity on me, left me over and over again in a puddle of tears, wailing, and distraught. Now 7 months later I am still suffering, some days i can’t get out of bed, can barely eat, barely sleep… i have to fight daily just to get through the day my ex has never called me other than tying up financial ends to really talk to me. I realize how much the pain is on some level is comfortable like NML says familar and I gravitate towards it, the fear of starting over is overwhelming. I am left trying to figure out who i am, what i like, the relationship and its aftermath nearly destroyed my mental, emotional, and physical health. I am trying to pick up the pieces and i realize how much like others have expressed i am afraid to be alone, alone without an EUM to bandage my poor self esteem.

@aphrogirl,
“I then angrily wondered how long I would feel sad about him, sad for him, sad for me and him. I also got angry, with him for being such an emo dunce and then back at me that I was still sad about him.” So maybe I’m not the only one who doesn’t know whether she is coming or going. We can sit here and tick off all the things we know were wrong or unhealthy about these relationships, and as we compare our experiences and their uncanny similarities it is easier to just feel indignance for a little bit. But for all the hurt and confusion these are still the same people we fell in love with in the first place. How does one root out love? Do you ever get all of it out of you?

“Now I’m sitting here in limbo because having abused the trust of the person I was supposed to love and protect, I don’t feel it’s fair that he should be saddled with a liar.”"

You are a liar, only if you continue to lie. You have the ability to choose to do differently with your life from now on, than you have to this point. You have to choose to change – just as an alcoholic or other substance abuse has to choose, for themselves, that they are too terrified of their current life to live that way one more moment.

If you were indeed to change, to look at yourself and determine that you will be honest with yourself, honest and honorable with others, that you will be diligent in your responsibilities, that you will be the woman that pledged her life and heart to her marriage – you can. You have a mistake in your past, true, that you must, with all you are able to do, keep secret from everyone in your life. Forever. Consider this secret your own burden, a responsibility, an act to protect your family.

Prostitutes and adult performers leave their trade; some few people survive prison and undertake a “normal” life. Others have come to terms with their past, you can too. Accept that the choices you made in the past led to your dishonor. Understand the difference between “the sin” and “the sinner”, understand the Bible’s admonition to “hate the sin and not the sinner”. Unless you pray and believe, you will have to grant, and accept, your own forgiveness. And you should be forgiven if you are a) heartily sorry; b) understand the choices and lies that you followed, that contributed to your dishonor; c) accept that nothing can justify what you did; and d) spend the rest of your life avoiding the mistakes of your former life.

You say you are letting your marriage sit, untouched. Usually long distances are a terrible strain on a marriage, especially after a month or more. It takes lots of active communication, contact, and effort to keep it alive. If you are feeling isolated and lonely, I imagine your husband is, too. Now would be a really good time to resume being the wife he needs, to the best of your ability. Just be careful that you don’t gush over with remorse – that would imply something needed forgiveness, and that is your responsibility, not his. Re-engage on the daily life, on your affection for him – maybe a trip home for closeness. Do stop holding him away. You don’t want him to think you are tired of the marriage and want out.

Blessed be.

@ aphrogirl,

Crying over something that is sad is so very, very . . . good. The sadness is to be regretted, but should diminish with time, as it probably already has. You might forgive yourself for being sad a little quicker, you are likely due for some mercy! You might pamper yourself, just a bit, by watching a mindless movie to indulge a bit more (OK – call it wallowing, whatever!). Maybe Six Day, Seven Nights, with Harrison Ford, or Sleepless in Seattle, or something else terminally lame but sweet. Maybe an herbal tea with honey, a cozy comforter or pillow. Something that won’t show tears to clearly.

Peace.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..Book: Judge Judy gets tough on romance =-.

I realized that i probably will always feel sad when I think of the boy clown, but also realize that the times I think about him are mercifully becoming less and less charged with emotion. And this is after only 5 months of NC.

The online ex (or is he?)….after the snail mail…we talked several more times. Every time i try to break it off completely, he won’t let me, kept saying “I love you” a gazillion times and off course I cave yet he’s still hot/cold i don’t know if it’s worth keep going.

How come i can’t seem to end a relationship I don’t think I wanna be in anymore?;( Now it’s as if, I’m miserable with or without him;(

I used to be so happy with him. But I don’t think I am anymore. Do I bail out now or try and stick it out? His brother just passed away yesterday…is it too cold to bail out now? We talked today and he was downright cranky. (He acted nonchalant and didn’t show any grief. I don’t think he knows how or doesn’t want me to know). What is the proper thing to do in this situation – stay away, give him time to grief, or keep letting him know you’ll be there for him? His behavoir is scaring me away little by little to the point where i just wanna flee.