Comments on: How I learned to love myself Part 1 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:33:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-223430 NML Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:47:34 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-223430 Brooke, it is good that you are trying to understand what you are doing. You are on a very self-destructive path and unfortunately, this is mostly of your own creation. You engage in such a high level of fantasy that actually, he's not part of the equation - he's just the inspiration for your next set of feelings but you almost don't need these men around because you're too busy living in a fantasy world. People can't reciprocate something that is based on illusion and mostly in your head because you're not in the real world. To have a half a chance of them reciprocating, you'd need to have both of your feet very firmly in reality. You actively choose men that are not going to reciprocate because how you conduct your life is what works for you. You don't pursue men who are likely to be interested because you're not trying to actually have a real relationship. You can't make a relationship work that doesn't exist - you have to realise this. You don't want to let go, which means you don't want to stop fantasising and putting yourself through this. I really think that you should speak with someone and I hope that you don't just resign yourself to continuing this pattern of behaviour. What I will say is if this pain continues, you are 100% responsible for it - don't do that to yourself. Brooke, it is good that you are trying to understand what you are doing. You are on a very self-destructive path and unfortunately, this is mostly of your own creation. You engage in such a high level of fantasy that actually, he’s not part of the equation – he’s just the inspiration for your next set of feelings but you almost don’t need these men around because you’re too busy living in a fantasy world. People can’t reciprocate something that is based on illusion and mostly in your head because you’re not in the real world. To have a half a chance of them reciprocating, you’d need to have both of your feet very firmly in reality. You actively choose men that are not going to reciprocate because how you conduct your life is what works for you. You don’t pursue men who are likely to be interested because you’re not trying to actually have a real relationship. You can’t make a relationship work that doesn’t exist – you have to realise this. You don’t want to let go, which means you don’t want to stop fantasising and putting yourself through this. I really think that you should speak with someone and I hope that you don’t just resign yourself to continuing this pattern of behaviour. What I will say is if this pain continues, you are 100% responsible for it – don’t do that to yourself.

]]> By: brooke http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-223415 brooke Mon, 30 Mar 2009 20:44:05 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-223415 Was just reading this great post.You are probably right.I have had bad experiences with 6-7 EUMs now.I think that somewhere I have become a nervous wreck and have started blaming my shortcomings for my EUMs failure to reciprocate.I have become suspicious,neurotic and many other things that I am not.I do not recognise myself now.I know that all this stems from a lack of self love.Why..how..i don't know.I do have a lot of childhood emotional baggage though.Probably it is because of that.For the last few years,getting attracted to EUMs and pursuing them relentlessly has become the norm for me.The moment I realise that a relationship will not go beyond the attraction stage because the man is not that into me,I just do not snap out and move on.Instead I start doing all kinds of things to try and make the relationship work until the guy finally has to tell me clearly that I need to get a life..What a tragedy,this.But this has been the pattern of my relationships for sometime now.Today after my most recent EUM episode,my self confidence is at an all time low.Want to move on,but am not able to let go. Was just reading this great post.You are probably right.I have had bad experiences with 6-7 EUMs now.I think that somewhere I have become a nervous wreck and have started blaming my shortcomings for my EUMs failure to reciprocate.I have become suspicious,neurotic and many other things that I am not.I do not recognise myself now.I know that all this stems from a lack of self love.Why..how..i don’t know.I do have a lot of childhood emotional baggage though.Probably it is because of that.For the last few years,getting attracted to EUMs and pursuing them relentlessly has become the norm for me.The moment I realise that a relationship will not go beyond the attraction stage because the man is not that into me,I just do not snap out and move on.Instead I start doing all kinds of things to try and make the relationship work until the guy finally has to tell me clearly that I need to get a life..What a tragedy,this.But this has been the pattern of my relationships for sometime now.Today after my most recent EUM episode,my self confidence is at an all time low.Want to move on,but am not able to let go.

]]> By: Gina http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-218014 Gina Mon, 23 Feb 2009 10:47:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-218014 This is a great article. You are absolutely right, it's a choice to love yourself from this day forward and it doesn't happen overnight --- it's working through your feelings that you were supressing for so long and pretty much acting out through unhealthy relationships; and re-building a healthy foundation for your growth... removing toxic substances and people out of your life, ending shaming cycles, etc... When I first started towards this journey a year or so ago, I ended up buying the book "how to love yourself"... and also delved into forgiveness, read spiritual books etc... Today; I am still learning and growing but so thankful for have invested this year or so of consciously learning how to love myself and being a healthier person in all aspects of my life, I am worth it (and of course everyone is hehe)... forgiveness does not come easy, but the willingness to try to forgive is all you need to get started. This is a great article. You are absolutely right, it’s a choice to love yourself from this day forward and it doesn’t happen overnight — it’s working through your feelings that you were supressing for so long and pretty much acting out through unhealthy relationships; and re-building a healthy foundation for your growth… removing toxic substances and people out of your life, ending shaming cycles, etc… When I first started towards this journey a year or so ago, I ended up buying the book “how to love yourself”… and also delved into forgiveness, read spiritual books etc… Today; I am still learning and growing but so thankful for have invested this year or so of consciously learning how to love myself and being a healthier person in all aspects of my life, I am worth it (and of course everyone is hehe)… forgiveness does not come easy, but the willingness to try to forgive is all you need to get started.

]]> By: Rach http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193914 Rach Wed, 15 Oct 2008 20:02:56 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193914 Wow. This freakin spoke to me. Sister you are right on and validating everything I've been sharing with my BFF lately. This will help so many women. Thank you. God bless. Wow. This freakin spoke to me. Sister you are right on and validating everything I’ve been sharing with my BFF lately. This will help so many women. Thank you. God bless.

]]> By: Joanna http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193748 Joanna Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:24:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193748 Thank you for this post, NML. I have been working on some of the things that you discuss here. I started with things like allowing trusting myself when meeting new people and being in new situations, feeling gratitude towards the people who truly love me, and not participating in situations that don’t feel ‘right’, and setting healthy boundaries with people. As I was reading your book and website this past year, I also started working on issues with a therapist. Through the sessions I had to basically re-visit my issues from the past, not just rationally by talking about them, but also emotionally. It was when I was able to really face them, and let the all the feelings flow through me, that’s when I started to heal. There was no other way, and it was not something that I was familiar with, but after each session I felt more at peace. It’s like peeling off these emotional layers, and getting to the core, and the closer you get, the more you start to trust yourself, and the transformation happens. As you mention, it's about trusting yourself, and not operating out of fear. We must trust ourselves, and treat *ourselves* first and foremost, with love. Thank you for this post, NML. I have been working on some of the things that you discuss here. I started with things like allowing trusting myself when meeting new people and being in new situations, feeling gratitude towards the people who truly love me, and not participating in situations that don’t feel ‘right’, and setting healthy boundaries with people.

As I was reading your book and website this past year, I also started working on issues with a therapist. Through the sessions I had to basically re-visit my issues from the past, not just rationally by talking about them, but also emotionally. It was when I was able to really face them, and let the all the feelings flow through me, that’s when I started to heal. There was no other way, and it was not something that I was familiar with, but after each session I felt more at peace. It’s like peeling off these emotional layers, and getting to the core, and the closer you get, the more you start to trust yourself, and the transformation happens.

As you mention, it’s about trusting yourself, and not operating out of fear.

We must trust ourselves, and treat *ourselves* first and foremost, with love.

]]> By: Kim2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193743 Kim2 Tue, 14 Oct 2008 14:41:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193743 NML - another great post. "We’ve had a few unpleasant showdowns (our mothers do love drama or the silent treatment)" -- HA!! Perhaps our mothers are related? My mother is not talking to me because she is mad I didn't tell her something. It did not concern her in any way and was none of her business. She has gotten away with controlling the entire family all my life (I am 48). I am sick of it. I have had enough. Yet I have this fear and constriction in my chest because at some point I am going to have to interact with her. She will try to punish me in order to regain control. Logically I know all this but the child inside is still afraid. I feel if I can get a handle on this -- not allow her to control me and tell me I am wrong about everything - I will have crossed a huge barrier. My entire life has been about pleasing her... giving in to what she wanted. Never mattered to her what I or my sisters wanted. This is my greatest obstacle -- to define boundaries with her invading my life and choices and keeping me under control. NML – another great post.

“We’ve had a few unpleasant showdowns (our mothers do love drama or the silent treatment)” — HA!! Perhaps our mothers are related?

My mother is not talking to me because she is mad I didn’t tell her something. It did not concern her in any way and was none of her business. She has gotten away with controlling the entire family all my life (I am 48). I am sick of it. I have had enough. Yet I have this fear and constriction in my chest because at some point I am going to have to interact with her. She will try to punish me in order to regain control. Logically I know all this but the child inside is still afraid. I feel if I can get a handle on this — not allow her to control me and tell me I am wrong about everything – I will have crossed a huge barrier. My entire life has been about pleasing her… giving in to what she wanted. Never mattered to her what I or my sisters wanted. This is my greatest obstacle — to define boundaries with her invading my life and choices and keeping me under control.

]]> By: lisaq http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193731 lisaq Tue, 14 Oct 2008 11:44:04 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193731 "We have to stop looking for instant fixes, instant solutions, instant highs and realise that this process is ongoing." AMEN! It's, as you said, a process which takes time and is ongoing, but it's so worth it! There are highs and lows, ups and downs, but it's a journey I'd choose to take again and again. Nicely done NML! “We have to stop looking for instant fixes, instant solutions, instant highs and realise that this process is ongoing.” AMEN! It’s, as you said, a process which takes time and is ongoing, but it’s so worth it! There are highs and lows, ups and downs, but it’s a journey I’d choose to take again and again.

Nicely done NML!

]]> By: CurvyGurl http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193682 CurvyGurl Tue, 14 Oct 2008 01:30:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193682 This is a huge step that we all should take at some point in life . You've definitely given me a good framework to get started with. Excellent! This is a huge step that we all should take at some point in life . You’ve definitely given me a good framework to get started with. Excellent!

]]> By: FinallyOverIt http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193645 FinallyOverIt Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:10:02 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193645 Thanks, NML, I really think this post is the defining and fundamental message all of us who struggle with EUMs and toxic people need to receive. Your message is timely for me because I am at this stage right at this moment. I have moved on from my ex-EUM, but I am still struggling with the self-love concept. How strange that this simple life recipe is so difficult for me to grasp. Like a lot of you, I didn't have a good relationship with my father, and my mom tried to overcompensate, etc. etc. I think we all know HOW we got to where we are today--the important thing is how do we learn to love ourselves even though we have "old tapes" playing in our heads telling us we are not worthy of love? I am working on that every day, but it's been a hard road for me lately. Thanks, NML, I really think this post is the defining and fundamental message all of us who struggle with EUMs and toxic people need to receive. Your message is timely for me because I am at this stage right at this moment. I have moved on from my ex-EUM, but I am still struggling with the self-love concept. How strange that this simple life recipe is so difficult for me to grasp. Like a lot of you, I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, and my mom tried to overcompensate, etc. etc. I think we all know HOW we got to where we are today–the important thing is how do we learn to love ourselves even though we have “old tapes” playing in our heads telling us we are not worthy of love? I am working on that every day, but it’s been a hard road for me lately.

]]> By: RES http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193625 RES Mon, 13 Oct 2008 21:12:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193625 Words to live by. An MD couldn't have given better advice. Thanks, Natalie! Words to live by. An MD couldn’t have given better advice. Thanks, Natalie!

]]> By: annied http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193596 annied Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:53:00 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193596 Thank you for another thought-provoking post. THIS is what I have the most difficult time with. That is so sad. Loving ourselves should be the easiest thing we can do - not the most difficult. We should trust our instincts. Just this weekend I let myself get put into a situation that I knew I'd prolly be uncomfortable with. I didnt trust my gut. I went and it was actually worse for me than I had thought it would be! I went with my EUM (who used to be my ex-EUM yea, not good) to see his best friend and his fiance. I know them okay, Well, the entire time we were there they spoke of nothing but their upcoming wedding. The EUM is in the wedding party - all of their mutual friends are coming - and this is something I accidently found out about. I wasn't invited and here I sit. I felt like an idiot. What if I were invited? What would I do when one of the EUM's friends came up to him, slapped him on the back and said - when are you gonna get married?!? Me knowing full well that this guy told me he'd never marry me? omg. Just the thought of it makes me wanna bawl out loud. :( I hope to hell that when the blessed day rolls around that I live in another world. The I-LOVE-ANNIE World. We gotta love ourselves first. Thank you for another thought-provoking post. THIS is what I have the most difficult time with. That is so sad. Loving ourselves should be the easiest thing we can do – not the most difficult.

We should trust our instincts. Just this weekend I let myself get put into a situation that I knew I’d prolly be uncomfortable with. I didnt trust my gut. I went and it was actually worse for me than I had thought it would be!

I went with my EUM (who used to be my ex-EUM yea, not good) to see his best friend and his fiance. I know them okay, Well, the entire time we were there they spoke of nothing but their upcoming wedding. The EUM is in the wedding party – all of their mutual friends are coming – and this is something I accidently found out about. I wasn’t invited and here I sit. I felt like an idiot.

What if I were invited? What would I do when one of the EUM’s friends came up to him, slapped him on the back and said – when are you gonna get married?!? Me knowing full well that this guy told me he’d never marry me? omg. Just the thought of it makes me wanna bawl out loud. :(

I hope to hell that when the blessed day rolls around that I live in another world. The I-LOVE-ANNIE World. We gotta love ourselves first.

]]> By: keri http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193595 keri Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:50:07 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193595 Amazing.. It all makes total sense.. but to me.. almost seems so overwhelming. I find myself resistant when I hear about forgiving my parents... I feel if they were better role models.. (parents still married and seriously unhappy and depressed.. dad emotionally unavailable.. mom plays victim role.. and has subsequently been sick most of my life.) I know that that is something I need to work on.. forgiving them. But I still feel so angry.. that is something I need to learn to do I know for my own well being. I think a LOT of it has to do with living in the moment. I tried an experiment yesterday where I didn't focus on the past (my unfortunate experience with current ex-EUM and the fact that this is a pattern) and I didn't worry about the future either.. I went thru my day and brought the focus to NOW.. what I was doing.. moving.. breathing.. looking at.. in the moment.. and ya know what? I had a great day! I didn't overanalyze.. or overthink.. I was just me.. in the moment. It took some readjusting..when I felt myself starting to drift toward the past.. or the future.. but it's amazing how much happier I was when I didn't think of that stuff.! I highly recommend it starts with that as a first step.. Give our brains (and our hearts) a vacation for a day and just be in the moment of what is happening around you. Thank you to everyone out there that is going thru this with me.. My invisible support holding my hand.. helping me not feel so alone. Amazing.. It all makes total sense.. but to me.. almost seems so overwhelming.

I find myself resistant when I hear about forgiving my parents… I feel if they were better role models.. (parents still married and seriously unhappy and depressed.. dad emotionally unavailable.. mom plays victim role.. and has subsequently been sick most of my life.) I know that that is something I need to work on.. forgiving them. But I still feel so angry.. that is something I need to learn to do I know for my own well being.

I think a LOT of it has to do with living in the moment. I tried an experiment yesterday where I didn’t focus on the past (my unfortunate experience with current ex-EUM and the fact that this is a pattern) and I didn’t worry about the future either.. I went thru my day and brought the focus to NOW.. what I was doing.. moving.. breathing.. looking at.. in the moment.. and ya know what?

I had a great day! I didn’t overanalyze.. or overthink.. I was just me.. in the moment. It took some readjusting..when I felt myself starting to drift toward the past.. or the future.. but it’s amazing how much happier I was when I didn’t think of that stuff.!

I highly recommend it starts with that as a first step..

Give our brains (and our hearts) a vacation for a day and just be in the moment of what is happening around you.

Thank you to everyone out there that is going thru this with me.. My invisible support holding my hand.. helping me not feel so alone.

]]> By: Robin http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193582 Robin Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:52:58 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193582 Holy shit. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this entry today...I am learning to love myself (all over again, mind you) and for something that's supposed to be so simple and easy, it's really hard for me to do. But realizing that this is not an overnight fix and allowing myself to evolve is liberating in a way. Thanks so much...you have no idea how much I appreciate you today. Holy shit. Thank you SO MUCH for writing this entry today…I am learning to love myself (all over again, mind you) and for something that’s supposed to be so simple and easy, it’s really hard for me to do. But realizing that this is not an overnight fix and allowing myself to evolve is liberating in a way.

Thanks so much…you have no idea how much I appreciate you today.

]]> By: Alison H http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193580 Alison H Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:44:36 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193580 I am trying to re-connect with myself again. After going through a time where I was depending on the guy to make me happy I realised that it was wrong to put so much dependence on them because what if they leave, and they did. My childhood has probably got to do with the fact I am so dependent. I never had a boyfriend at secondary school, I would keep on with my studies instead,a nd I envied my friends who had guys lining up for them. Turning 18 saw my world open up for me and guys would give me attention - this was new for me and not having 'love' in my younger years made me crave it now. However being with someone for the sake of being with someone is not right. I need to make myself happy and figure out what I want in life for once - so I have decided to concentrate on my final year at University and get the best possible grade. I am still holding onto the idea of a 'soul mate' but there is no need to rush, in my opinion. Be happy with yourself and attrack happiness to you. "If you give someone everything, you will be left with nothing when they leave." I am trying to re-connect with myself again. After going through a time where I was depending on the guy to make me happy I realised that it was wrong to put so much dependence on them because what if they leave, and they did.

My childhood has probably got to do with the fact I am so dependent. I never had a boyfriend at secondary school, I would keep on with my studies instead,a nd I envied my friends who had guys lining up for them. Turning 18 saw my world open up for me and guys would give me attention – this was new for me and not having ‘love’ in my younger years made me crave it now.

However being with someone for the sake of being with someone is not right. I need to make myself happy and figure out what I want in life for once – so I have decided to concentrate on my final year at University and get the best possible grade. I am still holding onto the idea of a ‘soul mate’ but there is no need to rush, in my opinion. Be happy with yourself and attrack happiness to you.

“If you give someone everything, you will be left with nothing when they leave.”

]]> By: Blaise Parker http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-i-learned-to-love-myself-part-1/comment-page-1/#comment-193575 Blaise Parker Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:19:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/?p=1387#comment-193575 Thank you so much for answering my question. This has really got me thinking. *goes for a long walk* Thank you so much for answering my question. This has really got me thinking.

*goes for a long walk*

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