Comments on: How To Cope With Being The Other Woman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:33:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: How To Cope With Being The Other Woman to a Married Man | Baggage Reclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-253693 How To Cope With Being The Other Woman to a Married Man | Baggage Reclaim Mon, 08 Mar 2010 12:45:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-253693 [...] This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response, I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here: [...] [...] This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response, I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here: [...]

]]> By: Is He Going To Leave Her For Me? Part One | Baggage Reclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-253662 Is He Going To Leave Her For Me? Part One | Baggage Reclaim Sun, 07 Mar 2010 23:46:30 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-253662 [...] of the questions that come flooding in via email, especially since I wrote a post ages ago about how to cope with being the other woman (also see the original), with many hoping their experience is the [...] [...] of the questions that come flooding in via email, especially since I wrote a post ages ago about how to cope with being the other woman (also see the original), with many hoping their experience is the [...]

]]> By: How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-252985 How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men - Mr Unavailable's | Baggage Reclaim Fri, 26 Feb 2010 20:25:35 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-252985 [...] He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman. [...] [...] He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman. [...]

]]> By: NML http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-242318 NML Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:37:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-242318 Hi, please use <a href="http://baggagereclaim.ning.com/" rel="nofollow">the forum </a>to get personal advice as this comment thread is now closing. Thanks Hi, please use the forum to get personal advice as this comment thread is now closing. Thanks

]]> By: DeDee http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-242266 DeDee Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:29:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-242266 Ladies: Thanx for some of the advise. But, #1 - how long did u know these men before the affair started. My MM and I dated fresh out of high school for about 8 or 9 months. I ended it abruptly, without reason. It was the WORST mistake of my life. I did go to him five years later to apologize. I was going thru a divorce with my first husband. We exchanged addresses, but, nothing ever came of it because he thought I had reconsiled with my ex. I always thought about him. My youngest child even has his middle name, just for that sentimental value. At our 20th high school reunion we ran into each other again. He bugged one of the committe members for my phone #, address, anything to get in touch with me because he said he felt there were things that needed to be said and weren't. I called him after running into the committe member and she told me where he worked. We stayed in touch here and there, emails, phone calls, cards, a few visits. BUT, we never had sex., even when we dated. Seven years ago in one of his letters he stated he wouldn't leave or divorce his wife. I dropped all contact with him. Then in '04 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he lost most of his left leg. I cried for days hearing this. I was married for a short time my second time, and now going thru a divorce. He recooped from his accident and more or less begged me to come up to visit. We lived one state away at the time. We spent one night together, STiLL no sex. I felt awful, though, as we were more or less both cheating now. I dropped all contact with him again. Then in May of this past year, he calls me out of the blue after 5 years. He stated, he knew something was wrong with me. That he truly believes we are soul mates, as he always felt when things were going terrible for me. (I had just had a hysterectomy a month before and about 2 months before that I was contemplating suicide.) I hesitated on returning his calls or emails, but I truly love this man and HE claims I am the greatest love of his life. Here's the bad part. AFTER 28 years, I finally gave into to him, mutual of course, and had sex. It was every thing and more, I even cried (the only time I have during sex). He claims that things have gone astray after his accident and he and his wife have grown apart. (HA) I had planned to move back to my home town in August, but, earlier in the year was unsure, then after his call and our meetings it was the push to make me realize how much I did miss my home. NOW I"M MISERABLE. I hate playing second fiddle, but, it's just weird how fate kept bringing us back together. I asked him the other day, "Have U ever thought about what would happen if you got caught"" He replied "I never really thought about it." What the F&^^!!!!! Never thought about it? He seems to be very casual about us. Calls me even when she's around. We talk on the internet, while she's around. She knows about me from BEFORE they got married. He states, I told her I loved her but will NEVER love her or anyone the way I loved you. I am absolutely a mess. The move is enough to kill me, being away from my kids, grandbabies, friends and everything I knew for the past 24 years, but that was my decision. Now, I'm thinking of telling him, If you really loved me the way you say u do, then, you have to give me a time frame or break it off. He had told me things really have to get bad to get a divorce. I've gone thru it twice and am still standing to tell about it. PLEASE ladies, give me a little insight to this. I am driving myself nuts by this. Ladies:
Thanx for some of the advise. But, #1 – how long did u know these men before the affair started. My MM and I dated fresh out of high school for about 8 or 9 months. I ended it abruptly, without reason. It was the WORST mistake of my life. I did go to him five years later to apologize. I was going thru a divorce with my first husband. We exchanged addresses, but, nothing ever came of it because he thought I had reconsiled with my ex. I always thought about him. My youngest child even has his middle name, just for that sentimental value. At our 20th high school reunion we ran into each other again. He bugged one of the committe members for my phone #, address, anything to get in touch with me because he said he felt there were things that needed to be said and weren’t. I called him after running into the committe member and she told me where he worked. We stayed in touch here and there, emails, phone calls, cards, a few visits. BUT, we never had sex., even when we dated. Seven years ago in one of his letters he stated he wouldn’t leave or divorce his wife. I dropped all contact with him. Then in ’04 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he lost most of his left leg. I cried for days hearing this. I was married for a short time my second time, and now going thru a divorce. He recooped from his accident and more or less begged me to come up to visit. We lived one state away at the time. We spent one night together, STiLL no sex. I felt awful, though, as we were more or less both cheating now. I dropped all contact with him again. Then in May of this past year, he calls me out of the blue after 5 years. He stated, he knew something was wrong with me. That he truly believes we are soul mates, as he always felt when things were going terrible for me. (I had just had a hysterectomy a month before and about 2 months before that I was contemplating suicide.) I hesitated on returning his calls or emails, but I truly love this man and HE claims I am the greatest love of his life. Here’s the bad part. AFTER 28 years, I finally gave into to him, mutual of course, and had sex. It was every thing and more, I even cried (the only time I have during sex). He claims that things have gone astray after his accident and he and his wife have grown apart. (HA) I had planned to move back to my home town in August, but, earlier in the year was unsure, then after his call and our meetings it was the push to make me realize how much I did miss my home. NOW I”M MISERABLE. I hate playing second fiddle, but, it’s just weird how fate kept bringing us back together. I asked him the other day, “Have U ever thought about what would happen if you got caught”" He replied “I never really thought about it.” What the F&^^!!!!! Never thought about it? He seems to be very casual about us. Calls me even when she’s around. We talk on the internet, while she’s around. She knows about me from BEFORE they got married. He states, I told her I loved her but will NEVER love her or anyone the way I loved you. I am absolutely a mess. The move is enough to kill me, being away from my kids, grandbabies, friends and everything I knew for the past 24 years, but that was my decision. Now, I’m thinking of telling him, If you really loved me the way you say u do, then, you have to give me a time frame or break it off. He had told me things really have to get bad to get a divorce. I’ve gone thru it twice and am still standing to tell about it.

PLEASE ladies, give me a little insight to this. I am driving myself nuts by this.

]]> By: Minnie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-237007 Minnie Sun, 02 Aug 2009 18:35:22 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-237007 This article was helpful but it's so much easier to stand from the outside and say all the things that the "other woman" should do. It's hard... the hardest thing I've ever done. This article was helpful but it’s so much easier to stand from the outside and say all the things that the “other woman” should do. It’s hard… the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

]]> By: DesertWoman http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-176508 DesertWoman Sat, 02 Aug 2008 20:29:13 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-176508 WaterLily-I'm so glad you're free! I am too, I have not had contact with him in over 3 months and think I am finally free of this sticky horrible web. Your ex mm sounds so much like mine. Congratulations to us both. Take care and stay strong. WaterLily-I’m so glad you’re free! I am too, I have not had contact with him in over 3 months and think I am finally free of this sticky horrible web. Your ex mm sounds so much like mine. Congratulations to us both.

Take care and stay strong.

]]> By: waterlily http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-175584 waterlily Thu, 31 Jul 2008 08:26:40 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-175584 I broke up with a MM after nearly a decade of going back and forth back and forth and leaving him to have other boyfriends only to go back when those boyfriends (for whatever reason) would not work out. I was soooo hooked on that MM (like a drug!) and he works right next door to my house so each break up has been misery. What I found out in therapy is: I am as unavailable as he is! Ditto his wife. We were all stuck in this unhealthy triangle with no one really communicating with anyone else and no one really happy. (I admit I may be making assumptions here for her that are incorrect). According to him, she is "completely happy". He, however "is not". (ahem) As I started working on some of my intimacy issues in therapy i started demanding more honest conversations with him and I caught him lying to me several times. I was shocked! (duhhhhhh) After all, why was he lying to ME?? He had no reason, did he? The lies were small and unnecessary so why even bother? That's when I began to know the truth about this person: he always lies! He's a pathological liar and never tells any one the truth about his feelings or anything else. But he is very good at playing like he is in "total control" of his life and acting very "honorable". The latter qualities(plus his good looks) are what had attracted me to him in the first place! (duhhh) People had said this before about him (that he lies) but somehow I had never taken off my rose colored glasses to see this, as I was too "in love" (ahem) To me he looked like this "great, family man" (suffering in an unhappy marriage). I found it really shocking he would lie. It shook me to the core. I am sure he cheated on me too. I am trying to work on my low self esteem now and stay clear of any new relationships for awhile. I feel badly for his wife and the pain I must have caused her. But I also know that she probably believes his lies just like I did. Or maybe she doesn't. Who knows? It's not my business! It's my business to stay out of this triangle because it's so hard to get loose once I am in it. It's like a drug truly and it causes depression and sadness along with a tiny bit of euphoria. But I am free at last!!!!!! I broke up with a MM after nearly a decade of going back and forth back and forth and leaving him to have other boyfriends only to go back when those boyfriends (for whatever reason) would not work out.

I was soooo hooked on that MM (like a drug!) and he works right next door to my house so each break up has been misery.

What I found out in therapy is: I am as unavailable as he is! Ditto his wife. We were all stuck in this unhealthy triangle with no one really communicating with anyone else and no one really happy. (I admit I may be making assumptions here for her that are incorrect). According to him, she is “completely happy”.
He, however “is not”. (ahem)

As I started working on some of my intimacy issues in therapy i started demanding more honest conversations with him and I caught him lying to me several times. I was shocked! (duhhhhhh)

After all, why was he lying to ME?? He had no reason, did he? The lies were small and unnecessary so why even bother? That’s when I began to know the truth about this person: he always lies! He’s a pathological liar and never tells any one the truth about his feelings or anything else. But he is very good at playing like he is in “total control” of his life and acting very “honorable”. The latter qualities(plus his good looks) are what had attracted me to him in the first place! (duhhh)

People had said this before about him (that he lies) but somehow I had never taken off my rose colored glasses to see this, as I was too “in love” (ahem)
To me he looked like this “great, family man” (suffering in an unhappy marriage).

I found it really shocking he would lie. It shook me to the core. I am sure he cheated on me too. I am trying to work on my low self esteem now and stay clear of any new relationships for awhile.

I feel badly for his wife and the pain I must have caused her. But I also know that she probably believes his lies just like I did. Or maybe she doesn’t. Who knows? It’s not my business!

It’s my business to stay out of this triangle because it’s so hard to get loose once I am in it. It’s like a drug truly and it causes depression and sadness along with a tiny bit of euphoria.

But I am free at last!!!!!!

]]> By: waterlily http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-8/#comment-175581 waterlily Thu, 31 Jul 2008 07:26:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-175581 testing testing

]]> By: Ilovememore http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-167714 Ilovememore Fri, 04 Jul 2008 13:56:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-167714 GG, I read your story with compassion. Wow you guys are really blown away with each other. He sounds like an angel walked in your life but for what reason? Well you say that you chose not to date in favor of studying, that could be one reason. You have a life to live please dont waste it, enjoying life and every waking moment is most important. The mail that your MM sent you sounds like he wants to do things right. If that means that you both have to wait then so be it! However the last sentence of his mail is classic of the playboys that most married men are. His heart aint leading him anywhere, his loins maybe! And taking risks in his life means taking risks with your own heart. Self preservation is what its all about! Go have a big bowl of pride for dinner and chalk it up to a happy moment and the reawakening of those feelings that you have kept suppressed for so long. Sorry to be harsh, hope it helped! ;-) GG, I read your story with compassion. Wow you guys are really blown away with each other. He sounds like an angel walked in your life but for what reason? Well you say that you chose not to date in favor of studying, that could be one reason. You have a life to live please dont waste it, enjoying life and every waking moment is most important.

The mail that your MM sent you sounds like he wants to do things right. If that means that you both have to wait then so be it! However the last sentence of his mail is classic of the playboys that most married men are. His heart aint leading him anywhere, his loins maybe! And taking risks in his life means taking risks with your own heart. Self preservation is what its all about! Go have a big bowl of pride for dinner and chalk it up to a happy moment and the reawakening of those feelings that you have kept suppressed for so long.

Sorry to be harsh, hope it helped! ;-)

]]> By: GG http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-164938 GG Tue, 24 Jun 2008 19:47:31 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-164938 Please, ive been up for nearly 4-5 hours reading everything on this blog (that was half!)ome answers for myself, i have been enlightened by your insightful comments and found consolation and a feeling of similiarity in some situations. i have finally decided to word my problem in the hopes of some answers. now need some advice. please I met MM only 2 months ago, i was at the place of his work, while i was working taking my elderly people out for recreation... it was very romantic, he looked at me, i looked at him to confirm if he was looking at me, i took an extra eyeful and thought hey he was nice and saw he wasnt wearing a wedding ring, we kept exchanging glances, it was instant attraction, fireworks, sparks, a feeling that doesnt really come around that many times in a persons life. He spoke to me and my group for a bit and i asked him how long he'd been doing this job for etc. he told me he was a teacher at the university and has a phd, and that he does this job on the weekends. i was suprised that someone who i liked for what i thought he was ended up being "out of my league". he appeared a humble person. i went home constantly thinking about him, i even wrote a letter to the place he worked saying how great the staff handled my elderly people. I took my elderly people out there again another months time but he wasnt working that day. i went again 2 weeks after, this time i took my daughter, i asked for him but they couldnt locate him, i was enjoying the day with my daughter when he came up to me and said that he remembered me with the elderly people, then he waited for me and my daughter finished our sight seeing, i saw him waiting at the kiosk waving me to come join him, i went over and said i have to get us coffee, then disappeared to get the coffee, which i couldnt drink, then he was telling me a bit about himself and even my daughter thought he was cute and appeared interested with his big smile at me lol. upon leaving he gave me his email address as his only contact, i went home and dreamed about him some more. Now im a 40 yo attractive divorced (8yrs) who isnt short of attention from the opposite sex but i chose to refrain from dating and chose to study. i painfully decided despite friends different opinions that i would email him 3 days later, thanking him for a memorable day, upon which he wrote straight away, and we were writing for 1 week, when he asked me out for lunch (to thank me for the coffee). i went out shopping to pick something nice for our first lunch, i was soo nervous i could not speak much and when people did talk to me i could not seem to hear, i was completed taken away with this guy. Anyway He ended up telling me that he is married, i was shocked, he told me he hasnt been happy since the day they married as the first wife died and he made a hasty decision in marrying her considering he had a small child to take care of. He admitted tht he equally felt the sparks from the day he met me, a connection. We went out together again and we kissed this time, it was so magic that i couldve cried, we went out another time and he told me that he didnt feel right that he would be a cheat if he continued this, he either has to end it with her first , then contact me when he has cleared his sh.... up. although he said he cannot imagine not being in contact with me, which i couldnt bear either, so we still write to each other but not that much, what is he doing? clearing the way? His last email to me was; "I am sorry my life is complicated. it would be better if everything could be clear and simpler for us. But it might all work itself out. sometimes it is good to go where the heart leads and take some risks." Please, ive been up for nearly 4-5 hours reading everything on this blog (that was half!)ome answers for myself, i have been enlightened by your insightful comments and found consolation and a feeling of similiarity in some situations. i have finally decided to word my problem in the hopes of some answers. now need some advice. please
I met MM only 2 months ago, i was at the place of his work, while i was working taking my elderly people out for recreation… it was very romantic, he looked at me, i looked at him to confirm if he was looking at me, i took an extra eyeful and thought hey he was nice and saw he wasnt wearing a wedding ring, we kept exchanging glances, it was instant attraction, fireworks, sparks, a feeling that doesnt really come around that many times in a persons life.
He spoke to me and my group for a bit and i asked him how long he’d been doing this job for etc. he told me he was a teacher at the university and has a phd, and that he does this job on the weekends. i was suprised that someone who i liked for what i thought he was ended up being “out of my league”. he appeared a humble person. i went home constantly thinking about him, i even wrote a letter to the place he worked saying how great the staff handled my elderly people.
I took my elderly people out there again another months time but he wasnt working that day.
i went again 2 weeks after, this time i took my daughter, i asked for him but they couldnt locate him, i was enjoying the day with my daughter when he came up to me and said that he remembered me with the elderly people, then he waited for me and my daughter finished our sight seeing, i saw him waiting at the kiosk waving me to come join him, i went over and said i have to get us coffee, then disappeared to get the coffee, which i couldnt drink, then he was telling me a bit about himself and even my daughter thought he was cute and appeared interested with his big smile at me lol. upon leaving he gave me his email address as his only contact, i went home and dreamed about him some more.
Now im a 40 yo attractive divorced (8yrs) who isnt short of attention from the opposite sex but i chose to refrain from dating and chose to study.
i painfully decided despite friends different opinions that i would email him 3 days later, thanking him for a memorable day, upon which he wrote straight away, and we were writing for 1 week, when he asked me out for lunch (to thank me for the coffee).
i went out shopping to pick something nice for our first lunch, i was soo nervous i could not speak much and when people did talk to me i could not seem to hear, i was completed taken away with this guy. Anyway He ended up telling me that he is married, i was shocked, he told me he hasnt been happy since the day they married as the first wife died and he made a hasty decision in marrying her considering he had a small child to take care of. He admitted tht he equally felt the sparks from the day he met me, a connection.
We went out together again and we kissed this time, it was so magic that i couldve cried, we went out another time and he told me that he didnt feel right that he would be a cheat if he continued this, he either has to end it with her first , then contact me when he has cleared his sh…. up. although he said he cannot imagine not being in contact with me, which i couldnt bear either, so we still write to each other but not that much, what is he doing? clearing the way?
His last email to me was;
“I am sorry my life is complicated. it would be better if everything could be clear and simpler for us. But it might all work itself out. sometimes it is good to go where the heart leads and take some risks.”

]]> By: Dara http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-159868 Dara Thu, 05 Jun 2008 15:10:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-159868 Hello .Ive just logged in and have been reading the various tales. I would appreciate any views and advice, leaving aside the obvious... Perhaps I missed it, but I dont see anyone else in my situation, and I am in great distress. I have known M for about 35 years, and although I moved to another country as a teenager we always kept in touch, and when I returned for a vacation I would always see him and his wife who I was also friends with. I never had any feelings for him of a sexual nature but we have always had a bond, which I know was special. I can also say that I knew on some level that he had feelings for me, but I was not attracted to him physically, and as we do, I just basked in his admiration. Over the years, it emerged that he was in an unhappy marriage and did not love his wife. He said the first year of his marriage was good. I advised him to leave, saying that it did not help the kids(two boys), and that life was short etc, and didnt both he and her deserve a chance at happiness with others etc etc. I was certainly not thinking about myself in relation to him. He has an overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility which I see can also be an excuse. He told me in these discussions that he would not leave her for the above-mentioned reasons. (kids, and his sense of responsibility to her). Five years ago I returned. After two years his wife stopped calling me and responding to my calls and our friendship effectively ended. As a result I saw M more often alone. Three months ago he asked me to a charity ball, as his wife, for whatever reason, decided to go to their villa in ______ for a week with her friends. We had a great time, and as we were driving away I told him to pull over and we kissed. I had been drinking but was cogniscent.(He does not drink). Over the past two years my feelings had taken a new direction regarding him but I buried them, and dismissed them as just me needing male attention. Long story short, he confessed that he had had feelings for me since we were 14. I was taken aback at his quick capitulation and willingness to be intimate with me, as he is what is known as a good man.It wrecked my head and naturally freaked me out a bit. Nothing happened that night as we discussed in great detail the fact that our friendship was of paramount importance and that we would both be bereft, if, by entering into this our friendship suffered.This was my decision. A month passed with frequent meetings. I found myself drawn more and more to him as our conversations became more intimate, It has always been easy with him and we have always been comfortable with each other. I decided to take the next step and since then we have been together quite often. He is a successful business man and has taken lots of time out from his work to be with me. He even missed his son's soccer final(first time apparently). We just spent two days in ________ where we laughed a lot. There was also the inevitable meltdown as I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and that I deserve better, and that this is a dead end etc etc.. Long story short. He says he wont leave her unless she wants to(which is unlikely since although she knows he doesnt love her she is not the type to leave). I know this is a cop-out ultimately driven by fear. He is a most articulate man and is very good at expressing himself(due to his years of dealing with his addiction issues). He said that fear is what has kept him from approaching me. He understands my position and again, a cop-out, has left the decision to me... Who knows if I continue this relationship that he may yet decide that his happiness is worth pursuing, and that the fall out would be worth it to him, but I am not naive enough to believe that he would leave her, and his wide social circle as long as I am available without demands. Why should he? He can have his cake and eat it too. I cannot bear the thought of living this cliche. What it may ultimately do to my self-esteem, even though I do know he loves me, and possibly always has. Any thoughts would be truly appreciated to help me face the decision which I know I must make. I delude myself that this situation is unique, knowing perfectly well that it is just a variation on a theme. I never expected this, or that I would feel this way about him. The really sad thing is that Im not sure I could see him as a friend if/when I end this. Thanks for reading. Hello .Ive just logged in and have been reading the various tales. I would appreciate any views and advice, leaving aside the obvious… Perhaps I missed it, but I dont see anyone else in my situation, and I am in great distress.
I have known M for about 35 years, and although I moved to another country as a teenager we always kept in touch, and when I returned for a vacation I would always see him and his wife who I was also friends with. I never had any feelings for him of a sexual nature but we have always had a bond, which I know was special.
I can also say that I knew on some level that he had feelings for me, but I was not attracted to him physically, and as we do, I just basked in his admiration. Over the years, it emerged that he was in an unhappy marriage and did not love his wife. He said the first year of his marriage was good. I advised him to leave, saying that it did not help the kids(two boys), and that life was short etc, and didnt both he and her deserve a chance at happiness with others etc etc. I was certainly not thinking about myself in relation to him. He has an overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility which I see can also be an excuse. He told me in these discussions that he would not leave her for the above-mentioned reasons. (kids, and his sense of responsibility to her).
Five years ago I returned. After two years his wife stopped calling me and responding to my calls and our friendship effectively ended.
As a result I saw M more often alone. Three months ago he asked me to a charity ball, as his wife, for whatever reason, decided to go to their villa in ______ for a week with her friends. We had a great time, and as we were driving away I told him to pull over and we kissed. I had been drinking but was cogniscent.(He does not drink). Over the past two years my feelings had taken a new direction regarding him but I buried them, and dismissed them as just me needing male attention.
Long story short, he confessed that he had had feelings for me since we were 14. I was taken aback at his quick capitulation and willingness to be intimate with me, as he is what is known as a good man.It wrecked my head and naturally freaked me out a bit. Nothing happened that night as we discussed in great detail the fact that our friendship was of paramount importance and that we would both be bereft, if, by entering into this our friendship suffered.This was my decision.
A month passed with frequent meetings. I found myself drawn more and more to him as our conversations became more intimate, It has always been easy with him and we have always been comfortable with each other.
I decided to take the next step and since then we have been together quite often.
He is a successful business man and has taken lots of time out from his work to be with me. He even missed his son’s soccer final(first time apparently).

We just spent two days in ________ where we laughed a lot. There was also the inevitable meltdown as I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and that I deserve better, and that this is a dead end etc etc..
Long story short. He says he wont leave her unless she wants to(which is unlikely since although she knows he doesnt love her she is not the type to leave). I know this is a cop-out ultimately driven by fear. He is a most articulate man and is very good at expressing himself(due to his years of dealing with his addiction issues). He said that fear is what has kept him from approaching me. He understands my position and again, a cop-out, has left the decision to me… Who knows if I continue this relationship that he may yet decide that his happiness is worth pursuing, and that the fall out would be worth it to him, but I am not naive enough to believe that he would leave her, and his wide social circle as long as I am available without demands. Why should he? He can have his cake and eat it too.
I cannot bear the thought of living this cliche. What it may ultimately do to my self-esteem, even though I do know he loves me, and possibly always has.
Any thoughts would be truly appreciated to help me face the decision which I know I must make. I delude myself that this situation is unique, knowing perfectly well that it is just a variation on a theme. I never expected this, or that I would feel this way about him. The really sad thing is that Im not sure I could see him as a friend if/when I end this.
Thanks for reading.

]]> By: JD http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-155612 JD Thu, 15 May 2008 23:17:14 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-155612 Btw, the crazy marriage is going on for 20 years now in which it started out as me being the OW. So you can make it work and it can last, but now that we're older, 40's and 50's the sass and fire are gone. Lots of nice trust but little communication and due to prostate issues NO SEX. I miss that and I miss talking to someone who actually gave a shit about how I felt. That is exactly how I fell into this cyber deal with a good friend. It is addicting because it's not physical in the actual sense of the word, but ti's fairly intense, it's about the safest sex you can have and still feel naughty and connected. Perfect for the older woman, I did not expect to get caught up with the emotions at my age and the fact he's built pretty damn good and 10 years younger well I can see how it happened. Add being lonely in a marriage and a younger guy ........ I know I would not break up this marriage but I miss the connected feeling. This is so f*cked up! Btw, the crazy marriage is going on for 20 years now in which it started out as me being the OW. So you can make it work and it can last, but now that we’re older, 40′s and 50′s the sass and fire are gone. Lots of nice trust but little communication and due to prostate issues NO SEX. I miss that and I miss talking to someone who actually gave a shit about how I felt. That is exactly how I fell into this cyber deal with a good friend. It is addicting because it’s not physical in the actual sense of the word, but ti’s fairly intense, it’s about the safest sex you can have and still feel naughty and connected. Perfect for the older woman, I did not expect to get caught up with the emotions at my age and the fact he’s built pretty damn good and 10 years younger well I can see how it happened. Add being lonely in a marriage and a younger guy …….. I know I would not break up this marriage but I miss the connected feeling. This is so f*cked up!

]]> By: JD http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-155608 JD Thu, 15 May 2008 23:07:25 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-155608 We're both married and it's been one of those cyber deals. He's a great guy, and we both went into this just for the fun, nothing else. We were good friends for 8 months before we ever developed any feelings. I haven't talked with him in about a week. We've gone from friends to cyber friends back to friends. It's for the best but I miss the extra parts. It kept me from sane with the crazy marriage I am in. It kept him sane but things ramped up and I think it's over. Maybe for the best. But I am a bit sad and can't not think about him. We’re both married and it’s been one of those cyber deals. He’s a great guy, and we both went into this just for the fun, nothing else. We were good friends for 8 months before we ever developed any feelings.
I haven’t talked with him in about a week. We’ve gone from friends to cyber friends back to friends. It’s for the best but I miss the extra parts. It kept me from sane with the crazy marriage I am in. It kept him sane but things ramped up and I think it’s over. Maybe for the best. But I am a bit sad and can’t not think about him.

]]> By: Dee http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/comment-page-7/#comment-148564 Dee Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:12:24 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman-2/#comment-148564 I have a similar problem and would like some insight as I am going insane at the moment but just can't let go. He is married and so am I, difference is we knew each other before we married. We were an item and something stupid broke us up. Now we have realised we still love each other but he has three kids I have two. And to top it all we don't even live in the same country anymore so it is long distant. I have a similar problem and would like some insight as I am going insane at the moment but just can’t let go.

He is married and so am I, difference is we knew each other before we married. We were an item and something stupid broke us up. Now we have realised we still love each other but he has three kids I have two. And to top it all we don’t even live in the same country anymore so it is long distant.

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