Comments on: How To Lose An Assclown in 90 Days Excerpt: The Trap of Compassion & Projection with Assclowns http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:51:04 +0100 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206422 Gaynor Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:38:18 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206422 Ivyow, Sorry, I forgot the article was about "compassion," I returned a few days later to follow the posts. Are you serious about wearing a chastity belt? Girl, this is a highly unhealthy relationship you're placing yourself in. What are you getting from this guy? Ivyow,

Sorry, I forgot the article was about “compassion,” I returned a few days later to follow the posts.

Are you serious about wearing a chastity belt?

Girl, this is a highly unhealthy relationship you’re placing yourself in. What are you getting from this guy?

]]> By: Cynnie http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206325 Cynnie Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:12:54 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206325 I was on almost 2 months of absolutely no contact when Mr. Unavailable called me at work and I listened to his miss you, love you blah blah tripe. But no apology for standing me up. I asked why it was so hard for him to admit when he was wrong and he said that I never gave him a chance. I told him that he had almost 3 months to apologise and he said give him a minute. Silence. Then I lost it and slammed down the phone. I can't remember what I said - I was so angry. Then I realised that he had "won" again. He got a reaction out of me and seemed really amused at my distress. If I loved someone and hadn't heard from them in weeks, I would be concerned and want to talk with them. If my partner was upset, I'd want to find out why and make things right. I would want my partner to be happy. Clearly, Mr. Unavailable doesn't think that way at all. This 5 minutes of phone contact has set back my healing but not derailed it, as every crappy thing that he does only strenthens my resolve to stay away from him and confirms that he is an assclown who doesn't have my best interest at heart. This post about compassion and projection was yet another wake-up call that I should be glad that I ended things with Mr. Unavailable and that I cannot have any contact with him - ever. I was on almost 2 months of absolutely no contact when Mr. Unavailable called me at work and I listened to his miss you, love you blah blah tripe. But no apology for standing me up. I asked why it was so hard for him to admit when he was wrong and he said that I never gave him a chance. I told him that he had almost 3 months to apologise and he said give him a minute. Silence. Then I lost it and slammed down the phone. I can’t remember what I said – I was so angry.

Then I realised that he had “won” again. He got a reaction out of me and seemed really amused at my distress.

If I loved someone and hadn’t heard from them in weeks, I would be concerned and want to talk with them. If my partner was upset, I’d want to find out why and make things right. I would want my partner to be happy. Clearly, Mr. Unavailable doesn’t think that way at all. This 5 minutes of phone contact has set back my healing but not derailed it, as every crappy thing that he does only strenthens my resolve to stay away from him and confirms that he is an assclown who doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

This post about compassion and projection was yet another wake-up call that I should be glad that I ended things with Mr. Unavailable and that I cannot have any contact with him – ever.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206238 Gaynor Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:58:10 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206238 I don't under what you mean by "compassion?' C'mon, are you saying that your response to his phone calls and advances are compassion, compassion has nothing to do with it. You're choosing to continue an emotionally abusive relationship! I don’t under what you mean by “compassion?’ C’mon, are you saying that your response to his phone calls and advances are compassion, compassion has nothing to do with it. You’re choosing to continue an emotionally abusive relationship!

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206166 Astelle Thu, 04 Dec 2008 02:19:01 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206166 ivyowl, some women have problems changing their phone numbers. You have a what belt?? I am not even going there... ivyowl, some women have problems changing their phone numbers.
You have a what belt?? I am not even going there…

]]> By: ivyowl http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206139 ivyowl Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:50:46 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206139 I've got too much compassion for my EUM. When he hits on me sexually I can't say no. We are well on our way to an office affair right now unless I can to stop it. I talk to myself all the time about what an assclown he is, and how he choose not to be with me, but to be with her instead..etc.. but it doesn't help. I have an expensive, custom made, chastiy belt. I had it fitted it after he left me the first time.I never used it. I think it is time. The plan is when I next have to go down there for a business meeting, I will lock myself into it in the morning and leave the key at home. The distance is long and the steel lock is tamper proof. I think I got too much compassion to reject him. I am even having a hard time talking myself into wearing the chasty belt! When I realized I was having a hard time with even the chastity belt decision I knew how bad my problem was. I think it is projection because my ego is so hurt and needs stroking so bad. I really have no trouble rejecting other guys, expecially other assclowns. There is something about this one.. I’ve got too much compassion for my EUM. When he hits on me sexually I can’t say no. We are well on our way to an office affair right now unless I can to stop it. I talk to myself all the time about what an assclown he is, and how he choose not to be with me, but to be with her instead..etc.. but it doesn’t help.

I have an expensive, custom made, chastiy belt. I had it fitted it after he left me the first time.I never used it. I think it is time. The plan is when I next have to go down there for a business meeting, I will lock myself into it in the morning and leave the key at home. The distance is long and the steel lock is tamper proof.

I think I got too much compassion to reject him. I am even having a hard time talking myself into wearing the chasty belt! When I realized I was having a hard time with even the chastity belt decision I knew how bad my problem was. I think it is projection because my ego is so hurt and needs stroking so bad.

I really have no trouble rejecting other guys, expecially other assclowns. There is something about this one..

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206034 Astelle Wed, 03 Dec 2008 20:08:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206034 You just ignore him... You just ignore him…

]]> By: Tryingtoleavehim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206026 Tryingtoleavehim Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:52:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206026 Thank you everyone and you are all so right. LoriG is right, I shouldn't even be posting if I don't want to make a change and I do deep down. I've made all the excuses I can for this man and it has to stop and Dazed is right, my situation isn't any different, he isn't any different. In response to Gaynor - his own job of 20 years is in jeopardy. They have told him they need him to relocate but he will not because of his kids. He had not done a resume in 20 years, who did it? ME..who sends his resume out? ME..who has helped him look for a job in addition to my own job hunt for the last 4 months? ME...I know that I need to end this if for nothing else because he will always put himself and his childrens needs before mine. I understand the kid part but geese! Now he just sent me an email about my Myspace page...he doesn't even have a myspace page, has never even been on it except to look at mine and admitted that before. I don't have anything to hide on there but a girlfriend did post some comments about getting myself out of the drama with him. That is what he just threw up in my face, her comments along with a few other things he read in MY PHONE while going through it reading my text. Can you believe this assclown constantly questioning my every text and every ring of my phone and me putting up with it? NOW I want to email him back and tell him a thing or two...how do you maintain those days, when they get nasty and you want to defend yourself and tell them off? UGH! Thank you everyone and you are all so right. LoriG is right, I shouldn’t even be posting if I don’t want to make a change and I do deep down. I’ve made all the excuses I can for this man and it has to stop and Dazed is right, my situation isn’t any different, he isn’t any different. In response to Gaynor – his own job of 20 years is in jeopardy. They have told him they need him to relocate but he will not because of his kids. He had not done a resume in 20 years, who did it? ME..who sends his resume out? ME..who has helped him look for a job in addition to my own job hunt for the last 4 months? ME…I know that I need to end this if for nothing else because he will always put himself and his childrens needs before mine. I understand the kid part but geese! Now he just sent me an email about my Myspace page…he doesn’t even have a myspace page, has never even been on it except to look at mine and admitted that before. I don’t have anything to hide on there but a girlfriend did post some comments about getting myself out of the drama with him. That is what he just threw up in my face, her comments along with a few other things he read in MY PHONE while going through it reading my text. Can you believe this assclown constantly questioning my every text and every ring of my phone and me putting up with it? NOW I want to email him back and tell him a thing or two…how do you maintain those days, when they get nasty and you want to defend yourself and tell them off? UGH!

]]> By: Gail http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-2/#comment-206023 Gail Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:42:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206023 Dear Tryingtoleavehim, I am by no means in a position to offer any advice, I've got a huge mess I am trying to deal with but what I will say, the women on here have all been here, done that. NML writes more explicitly than any other self help book I've ever come across, it is spot on, have you read it yet? I read it in two days because I couldn't put it down because of the road map about these guys and how to handle it besides giving it a name, I realized I wasn't that crazy afterall! Leaving is not easy, I know. Fill your day with worthwhile causes (is he a worthwhile cause?), work, charities, reading Mr. Unavailable, do the homework or just reading and by all means get real with yourself. Obviously you wouldn't be on here if you weren't trying to come to some type of terms about this situation and the support from everyone on here is so nonjudgmental, use it! Best....Gail Dear Tryingtoleavehim,

I am by no means in a position to offer any advice, I’ve got a huge mess I am trying to deal with but what I will say, the women on here have all been here, done that. NML writes more explicitly than any other self help book I’ve ever come across, it is spot on, have you read it yet? I read it in two days because I couldn’t put it down because of the road map about these guys and how to handle it besides giving it a name, I realized I wasn’t that crazy afterall!
Leaving is not easy, I know. Fill your day with worthwhile causes (is he a worthwhile cause?), work, charities, reading Mr. Unavailable, do the homework or just reading and by all means get real with yourself. Obviously you wouldn’t be on here if you weren’t trying to come to some type of terms about this situation and the support from everyone on here is so nonjudgmental, use it!

Best….Gail

]]> By: Dazedandconfused http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-206007 Dazedandconfused Wed, 03 Dec 2008 19:04:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206007 Tryingtoleavehim-- I feel like your posts reflect exactly what this post is about... thinking he is different. I am not trying to belittle your situation, rather by telling you a bit about what I went through I am hoping you will see that you are 1)not alone and when we say cut contact we do so having gone through this and 2) that he is not different than these other men. I have spent days, make that 3 months now, saying "but remember that email saying how amazing I was, and how he wanted to be with me, and how he was coming back and I was it... why why would he say that to me if... and then the famous "and what if I had done this maybe all that would have come true?" ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I knew this, prior to dating this man, but I am still to this day not following through on this logic. Emails, texts, words of any form mean nothing! I am so sorry to say this, as some of the emails I received from my EUM were the most romantic things that anyone has ever said to me. Let's just say for argument's sake that your guy is different... maybe he really cares, maybe he is a bit messed up and could possibly change... It is not going to happen with you continuing to talk to him, ask him questions, or play these games. Take a step back... even if this were to work out in the long run you have clearly lost some of yourself. It's time to say, whether he wants me or not I need a timeout, some breathing room because I am exhausted emotionally and need some space to think. The number of times that I jumped on the phone to yell and scream and figure out why my EUM had disappeared for 48 hours now that I have taken time to breathe I think shoot I should have said "I am not in a good head space to cleary think about what you have done. I am going to go think about this." Had I done that back then I might have gone 'wow what a jerk I am not putting up with this." He has no reason to change until you are gone, until you put your money where your mouth is. It's terrifying, he might never come back BUT you might not either. Get yourself off this roller coaster of drama and start to breathe again. It will hurt immensely, you will cry and feel like someone has punched you in the gut but it gets better and it's better than the constant pangs of anxiety and sitting at work, home, in a movie and running over your next plan to keep him. Tryingtoleavehim– I feel like your posts reflect exactly what this post is about… thinking he is different.

I am not trying to belittle your situation, rather by telling you a bit about what I went through I am hoping you will see that you are 1)not alone and when we say cut contact we do so having gone through this and 2) that he is not different than these other men.

I have spent days, make that 3 months now, saying “but remember that email saying how amazing I was, and how he wanted to be with me, and how he was coming back and I was it… why why would he say that to me if… and then the famous “and what if I had done this maybe all that would have come true?” ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I knew this, prior to dating this man, but I am still to this day not following through on this logic. Emails, texts, words of any form mean nothing! I am so sorry to say this, as some of the emails I received from my EUM were the most romantic things that anyone has ever said to me.

Let’s just say for argument’s sake that your guy is different… maybe he really cares, maybe he is a bit messed up and could possibly change… It is not going to happen with you continuing to talk to him, ask him questions, or play these games. Take a step back… even if this were to work out in the long run you have clearly lost some of yourself. It’s time to say, whether he wants me or not I need a timeout, some breathing room because I am exhausted emotionally and need some space to think. The number of times that I jumped on the phone to yell and scream and figure out why my EUM had disappeared for 48 hours now that I have taken time to breathe I think shoot I should have said “I am not in a good head space to cleary think about what you have done. I am going to go think about this.” Had I done that back then I might have gone ‘wow what a jerk I am not putting up with this.” He has no reason to change until you are gone, until you put your money where your mouth is. It’s terrifying, he might never come back BUT you might not either. Get yourself off this roller coaster of drama and start to breathe again. It will hurt immensely, you will cry and feel like someone has punched you in the gut but it gets better and it’s better than the constant pangs of anxiety and sitting at work, home, in a movie and running over your next plan to keep him.

]]> By: Lori G http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-206000 Lori G Wed, 03 Dec 2008 18:33:23 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-206000 Tryingtoleavehim-Here's your flogging. Stop posting if you aren't willing to change yourself and cut the contact. The world isn't going to come to an end if you cut contact. Those of us who have done it are posting out here telling you that it is going to be OK. We're not dead, we're not a bunch of ghosts trying to send you a message of "How to Keep an Assclown". We're telling you straight up what to do, how to do it and you're still making excuses. If you don't want to cut contact then don't, it's none of our business. Good grief, make a decision any decision just DO something instead of making excuses for yourself, and for him. Tryingtoleavehim-Here’s your flogging. Stop posting if you aren’t willing to change yourself and cut the contact.

The world isn’t going to come to an end if you cut contact. Those of us who have done it are posting out here telling you that it is going to be OK. We’re not dead, we’re not a bunch of ghosts trying to send you a message of “How to Keep an Assclown”. We’re telling you straight up what to do, how to do it and you’re still making excuses.

If you don’t want to cut contact then don’t, it’s none of our business. Good grief, make a decision any decision just DO something instead of making excuses for yourself, and for him.

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-205984 Gaynor Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:43:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-205984 DON'T RESPOND!!!!!!! How long does he need to think about it??? That's all they do is think, make a lot excuses. I've never seen sooooooo much indecision in my life! ow do these people function? Is he as concerned about you job situation, or just his?? DON’T RESPOND!!!!!!!

How long does he need to think about it??? That’s all they do is think, make a lot excuses. I’ve never seen sooooooo much indecision in my life! ow do these people function?

Is he as concerned about you job situation, or just his??

]]> By: Tryingtoleavehim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-205980 Tryingtoleavehim Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:28:07 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-205980 Gaynor - you are right and I've been here since our last breakup September 26 (3 day period) and I could sit here and read and not post but I think when I put it out there, deep down, I want a good A$# Kicking or flogging, so thank you. He just sent me an email just now saying he didnt know what to say and was trying to not think about it..why? because he is worried about his job and so many things and it all ties together and we are both in a funk, not making excuses or placing "blame" but stating a fact. I didn't respond...step 1! Gaynor – you are right and I’ve been here since our last breakup September 26 (3 day period) and I could sit here and read and not post but I think when I put it out there, deep down, I want a good A$# Kicking or flogging, so thank you. He just sent me an email just now saying he didnt know what to say and was trying to not think about it..why? because he is worried about his job and so many things and it all ties together and we are both in a funk, not making excuses or placing “blame” but stating a fact. I didn’t respond…step 1!

]]> By: Gaynor http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-205978 Gaynor Wed, 03 Dec 2008 17:14:50 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-205978 OK, you know his MO, so no more excuses! You know nothing is going to change, it didn't the first time and it won't the 6099th time. Tough love time! This man is not responsible for your not moving on, you are. It is time to take control of your situation and life and stop blaming him. You know his game but keep returning to an emotionally abusive relationship. Honey, take control of your life!!!!!!! OK, you know his MO, so no more excuses! You know nothing is going to change, it didn’t the first time and it won’t the 6099th time.

Tough love time! This man is not responsible for your not moving on, you are. It is time to take control of your situation and life and stop blaming him. You know his game but keep returning to an emotionally abusive relationship. Honey, take control of your life!!!!!!!

]]> By: Tryingtoleavehim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-205973 Tryingtoleavehim Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:57:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-205973 Gaynor - I've thought about that but I have been job hunting for the last 4 or 5 months and have resumes out there and online things with my number and changing it would be a major pain in the rear! I just have to grow some balls and not respond. This is his MO, has been since we met. And even back when we first met, when he was boo hooing about how he doesn't know whats wrong with him, why he is void of feelings, he couldn't go 3 days with no contact. I'm telling you, he has literally packed up all of my things at his house (all but the toothpaste) dropped it off at my back door on a Friday and by that Sunday morning he was texting about how sad he was and how much he misses me. This time wont be any different unless I make it different. But what I have in store for me won't be that he will just slink away...he will text more and more, start accusing me of being out with someone etc. etc. Its like just when I cut the contact, I become the challenge! How ironic is that? Gaynor – I’ve thought about that but I have been job hunting for the last 4 or 5 months and have resumes out there and online things with my number and changing it would be a major pain in the rear! I just have to grow some balls and not respond. This is his MO, has been since we met. And even back when we first met, when he was boo hooing about how he doesn’t know whats wrong with him, why he is void of feelings, he couldn’t go 3 days with no contact. I’m telling you, he has literally packed up all of my things at his house (all but the toothpaste) dropped it off at my back door on a Friday and by that Sunday morning he was texting about how sad he was and how much he misses me. This time wont be any different unless I make it different. But what I have in store for me won’t be that he will just slink away…he will text more and more, start accusing me of being out with someone etc. etc. Its like just when I cut the contact, I become the challenge! How ironic is that?

]]> By: Lori G http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/comment-page-1/#comment-205961 Lori G Wed, 03 Dec 2008 16:22:17 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-lose-an-assclown-in-90-days-excerpt-the-trap-of-compassion-projection-with-assclowns/#comment-205961 BBP and Dazed-Thanks for the post on the controlling behavior. After reading I'm seeing some of what you're discussing about in myself. I too try to anticipate the worst so that I can be one step ahead to prevent the worst from happening. It was a learned behavior from childhood. If I screwed up and made my father mad he was sure to use his belt on me. I did everything in my power to keep him from losing his temper. And here I am still doing it for these assclowns, which are a direct reflection of my father. Ugh! I'm tired of throwing myself in front of the train hoping to prevent the train wreck. I've got to get healthy, happy and wise up. BBP and Dazed-Thanks for the post on the controlling behavior. After reading I’m seeing some of what you’re discussing about in myself. I too try to anticipate the worst so that I can be one step ahead to prevent the worst from happening. It was a learned behavior from childhood. If I screwed up and made my father mad he was sure to use his belt on me. I did everything in my power to keep him from losing his temper. And here I am still doing it for these assclowns, which are a direct reflection of my father. Ugh!

I’m tired of throwing myself in front of the train hoping to prevent the train wreck. I’ve got to get healthy, happy and wise up.

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