In an excerpt from my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I share some of the most common signs and behaviour’s that you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable – an emotionally, and often spiritually and physically unavailable man. More often than not, the primary issue that women focus on is the emotional unavailability, but there are always physical and spiritual issues to prop it up. Mr Unavailable isn’t a Bad Boy per se and has nice qualities, which is what keeps the millions of women lingering around.
He is the ambiguous, hard to read, very attractive anomaly that sits between a Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM – emotionally unavailable man) is one of the most dangerous men that you could meet and every day his inability to tap into his emotions and into himself has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him.
His characteristics, personality and behaviour give the women he engages with, just enough of a hint of what he could be, if only he wasn’t so self-involved and quite messed up.
They have a host of excuses as to why they can’t be as much of a partner as we would like them to be and they blame “timing”, and tell you that “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend” but that doesn’t explain why they continue to play havoc with your emotions.
Mr Unavailables are very much about the chase. They pursue hard, shower you with attention and lay it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again. This is the Pushey Pulley Game that he uses to achieve The Status Quo. After a while it seems like they want to avoid doing anything that involves them being close to you despite starting off the “relationship” very eagerly.
Here are just some of the signs that you’re with a Mr Unavailable. If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough and you should use this to evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in, because each and every one of these signs, especially when more than one of them exists, spell pain and trouble. Here goes…
He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman.
He’s recently separated – read my post on how to cope when he’s separated.
Or he’s divorced but clinging to the fact that he’s been divorced to avoid committing – see my post on ‘Am I right not to go back to my flip-flapping divorcee?‘
He’s in a long distance relationship. With someone else. Or you’re in one with him and he has no desire to get closer – read my roughguide to a new long distance relationship.
He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact – read my post on why you should be wary of any man who is reliant on text messaging etc.
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship – check out my post on defining the relationship.
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call.
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;'If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’.
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex.
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously.
He’s openly not over his ex.
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship.
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often.
He’s an overt mother lover/mummy’s boy.
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating.
He doesn’t come around to your place until late.
He is resistant to involving himself in your life.
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up.
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship.
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’.
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation.
It feels like he blows hot and cold.
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter.
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with.
He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
Hes got about as much emotion in him as a stone.
He may try and sleep with you on the first night.
Make sure you are aware of the implications of red flags in relationships and having little or no boundaries
Your thoughts?
For over 300 pages of detail on Mr Unavailable’s and the difficult relationships you can become involved in, check out my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. If you’re trying to let go of a relationship, but struggling, also check out my ebook The No Contact Rule.
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Ashley,
It’s only been three-weeks and marriage is already being discussed? It seems like things are moving WAY too quickly for both sides! You two don’t even know one another but it seems like you are having conversations as if you been dating for a year plus. If this were a normal man he would run for the hills, this kind of talk would scare the hell out of a guy that is emotionally available.
I think this guy is a total EUM but I also think there are some relationship issues on your side, you’re expecting so much ,so fast (marriage talk) Sorry, for being harsh but this seems like a no-win situation.
I don’t understand him previously being in an “open relationship” but “he dates only one woman at a time?” This doesn’t make sense! Listen to the words and watch the actions.
I appreciate the feedback. Just to be clear, we have not actually discussed marriage… I was using his statement about “it can go towards marriage or friendship” as an example of his mentality. Very nonchalant. I’ve experienced enough to know to run from a man who seriously discusses marriage so soon. My issue is simply that he’s hot and cold and I’ve never encountered this before. On when we’re around one another, and lacks passion for me otherwise. I’ve been reading some of these posts and they’re helpful, but everyone’s situation is unique. Some men seem to be blatantly unavailable… their behavior is very suspicious and even downright mean. Others, like my guy, aren’t so easy to read. I initally searched EUM with a hankering that I may have one on my hands, but the information I’ve obtained all seems to be based on perspective. Our experiences change how we process things, so what could be a serious problem could also be my past affecting the way I receive his actions. If I choose to accept that men in general disregard women’s feelings, then I can attribute that to his actions. On the other hand, someone who sees men as individuals, some genuine and others misleading, may see it as my expecting more than what is reasonable. The only conclusion I believe I’m going to come to, no matter how much research I put into understanding this man, is that dating is just complicated. Men and women are extremely different creatures with different needs. I mean, how many sites do you see catering to the emotional perspective a man has on a relationship? Meanwhile you can find plenty of them catering to a man’s sexual needs. Honestly every man I’ve crossed paths with has been an EUM by the definitions on this site. Family and friends included. They are in their own worlds where they can justify their own rules and as a woman you are usually considered to be in the wrong because ultimately we feel the need for companionship moreso than they do. They’re fine without the mental stimulation we desire, and can always replace us physically. Dating seems to be a game in which you study male behavior and try to lasso one in, hoping to find one as compatible with you as you can. I’ve been my happiest when single and carefree, but of course the downside is lonliness. It is becoming clear to me that there are really two options: you either stress yourself while playing the dating game, or accept being happily single for the rest of your life.
Ashley- without sounding harsh, errr why you acting that the two of you are exclusive, when you’ve only just met him. One he seems a very needy person, in that he’s saying this stuff for you to validate his ego, and Im sorry but your being as needy as he is. phoning him, txting him it really sounds that this relationship, on both sides is extremley unhealthy from the get go. Why are you not dating other men, I dont mean falling in love and bed! just having a life. Youre throwing everything into a relationship that is only 3 WEES old. Sorry that does not constitute a relationship. He may be telling the truth about what he’s doing, men are solitary creatures, they do not have gaggles of friends to go shopping with. Sorry but if I was a guy, I’d be backing off from you at a million miles an hour. The thing is he may be an EUM, sounds a bit iffy, but even if he was’nt your behaviour would drive him away. Stop txting/phoning, really honey get a life. If he dont ring you say by Mon eve, at a reasonable time call it quits. If you’ve slept with him this quickly I can assure you this ‘reltionship’ is dead in the water, its a fact, believe it. Harsh words, but Im sorry honey the truth.
Regarding your final comment, dating does not have to stressful if you’re with the appropriate man.
Ashley, remember, you came on here b/c you recognized some big red flags very early on, if this guy is not doing his best to court you what makes you think it’s going to get better later on? I would say it will only get worse as he will manage down your expectations.
In your initial post you stated your concern as to how your needs were not being met but when we responded with info that indicated he is an EUM you backed off of your initial concerns.
Lastly, my ex-EUM talked and me till we fell asleep. he would hold me all night, and there were many occasions that he also watched as I slept. Don’t put any weight into this, it means nothing. There are many so similarities between my ex and your current it is frightening, the only exception was that he was not a loner.
Ashley- what you have to remember, is should not have the option to choose, its us that choose, they say crap like this to get you to give it up. The game is done in that instant. Most men are unavailble to some point, dating should not be a trail, but good fun, and with lots going on and a few in the process along with your own friends, interests and work, this then should make him dying to pin you down. This thinking is totally outta whack with the whole dating process, Dont love to much to soon.
Ashley, may I ask you: who initiates your get togethers and phone calls? I don’t care if you have known him for 4 weeks or 4 months, if you are most of the time the one that initiates everything, then don’t go further with him. Did you meet him online?
He sounds lazy, does his own stuff and but is excited when you ask to see him? His life is sooo important to him, his reading, cooking, cutting his nails or whatever else keeps him busy.
Sounds to me, when you “ask” him and he is not that busy at the moment, he welcomes you. I think he “wants” a woman, but not 24/7 and not with all the “hassles” that go with courting a woman, because he is fine on his own.
I agree that dating is complicated, but you should date other men, don’t put too much hope in this dude.
Your gut is already telling you that something is not right with him and that is good, follow your gut, pull back, see what he does, don’t ever put more effort in than he does. I am talking big now, I was in that position at one time where I was making the efforts, but I have learned – if he makes no effort then I don’t care what is “wrong” with him and I am not making excuses anymore for him or me.
Set your boundaries, do what is good for you and please bow out early enough, don’t let him suck you in to this “relationship”, make it about YOU, not him.
You are right, everybody’s situation on here is unique, but blowing hot and cold is NOT unique, believe it.
I very much believe that he has just one woman at a time, he is too lazy to juggle more than one woman, look at his past. He had one girlfriend, she dumped him and he is still (sounds like it to me) heartbroken over her after 6 years?
He is “right”, he is not misleading you, he is not doing anything except accepting your efforts towards this relationship.
Isn’t he saying “take it or leave it?” I wish you would go with the latter.
You know, a friend of mine told me once: A man will move mountains if he wants to be with you. Not sure if I totally agrre with that statement, but if a man is not moving anything for me but accepts my attention, time to go.
Again, how did you meet this prince?
You came to the right place, this is a wonderful website.
Ashley
Your man sounds very familiar. Could it be because I dated that type and I’m still paying the price? Run for the hills girl – he sounds EUM to me and quite twisted too.
You are actually quite lucky that this behavior is surfacing now so that you can bail out immediately and minimise your hurt. Don’t be like me and doubt yourself, think he’s shy, unable to express himself or think that you are being unreasonable. This man appears to have issues that aren’t yours to fix and you should be on your merry way.
I wasted almost a year of my life with a further 6 months trying to fully and finally extricate myself from the clown I was dating. Others on this site have done 2 years plus. Save yourself, your time and your sanity.
I do agree with you that your partner should show interest in seeing you and contacting you. If he’s doing this rubbish now, you can bet your last dollar that it will be the same later – and worse. He seems very lazy to me.
Should you choose to “make a go of this relationship”, be prepared for some or all of the following, based on experience and reading comments on this site:
* Feeling lonely even though you’re in a relationship
* Walking on eggshells because you might upset him
* Being told that you’re crazy, obsessive, a drama queen or his “word of the day” because you want to know where the relationship is going or you have a need to be filled
* Doubting yourself because he won’t commit to the relationship & wondering what’s wrong with you
*Doing all of the work in the relationship, because he only has one foot in.
* Waiting for the other shoe to drop. You never know what mood he’ll be in.
* Being dead last on his list of priorities – if you make the list.
Other readers can share with you their frustrations of being with these types of men and the heartbreak of leaving the doomed relationship though it’s the smart thing to do.
But most importantly, start as you intend to finish. So if you’re cool with being ignored, stood up and not having him be a meaningful part of your life, then proceed, “cause that’s how he has started out.
But if you truly want a loving and committed relatioship, I’d suggest that you bail. NOW.
The difference a week can make…
Well, while it’s natural to discount bad news when you hear it, the advice I received from this site and those close to me was too much to ignore. I briefly allowed Mr. Man (and yes I met him online) to convince me that I was viewing things from the wrong perspective, and to be patient. So I stepped back and decided to observe a bit. I stopped reaching out to him as much and made my own plans if he didn’t seize the opportunity to spend time with me. He continued to follow suit with his conflicting signals…told me he missed me and he felt more complete with me in his presence, but his actions showed that he was not enthusiastic to make future plans to spend time with me, answer my calls in a timely manner or commit to any titles anytime soon. Even in his attempts to appease me after my expressing that we are looking for different things in life (and his swearing that I had it all wrong), he was lazy. His efforts amounted to a substance-lacking daily text and phonecall (perhaps at 10 or 11 rather than midnight), a sunday of tv watching and take-out, and being squeezed in his schedule one evening sometime between the gym and bedtime. His behavior and overall demeanor was weird, at best. And what I realized is, whether I’ve got things right according to him or not, that was not what I wanted. Something felt wrong to me, and therefore was wrong. His dysfunction quickly surpassed his good looks and became a complete turn-off. Not to mention that I’d already begun to feel the affects many ladies on this site expressed feeling with an EUM (feeling unworthy, belittled for my views and desires, walking on eggshells, constantly analyzing where things were going)…the fact that it even occupied my time in trying to decipher it all frustrates me. I’m disappointed in myself for not being stronger than that! Although I tend to be the one who has to be burned to know that the fire is hot, I decided to save myself the agony this time around and call it quits early-on.
Good for you Ashley!!!
Ashley, I am glad to hear you were able to step back and observe this guy and see him for who he is.
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
Add to that:
Make a note of the times and days when he visits, calls or texts you.
I had a girlfriend who came to my house in floods of tears last year after she had been romantically involved with a guy who claimed he worked nights.
He sent texts, called, visited and emailed weekdays but she never heard or saw him on nights or weekends.
A mutual friend knew him and told her that he didn’t work nights, but he was picking his kids up from school. The (insert your own opinion here on him!) was married and had his kids till his wife arrived home from work.
So, it’s always helpful to make a note of *when* too and perhaps request he calls outside of those times just to see if he can…
Love,
Anabelle
x
Anabelle’s last blog post..Relationship Compatibility By Names
My relationship is similar to all the above, my greatest regret is that I didnt get out when I saw all the signs, but I fancied myself in love with the guy I met at first and now I am paying for it bitterly. I am to the point where I feel like I am going out of my mind. My main aim in life has become pleasing him and keeping him happy so that he would walk away but all I do it is still not working. He plays my emotions well. I hate myself for falling into this trap and feel really bad about myself. I am to the point where I am thinking of seeing a phys. My advice is when you see the first warming run like hell is behind you.
Prianna,
You know what you’re involved in, why don’t you get out?
I guess I am afraid of being alone and starting over again with someone else but I have recently been holding back and I am going to try the no contact for this week, these are baby steps but they will build me.
WOW!! After reading this, it all makes sense about the man I had loved for 2.5 years. I now better understand the behavioral patterns, and have realized where I went wrong. Unfortunately, I saw his potential, and knew that deep down, my guy was sad, lost, and lonely. Sometimes, I felt that maybe I was reading too much into his behavior (because I tend to overanalyze things) plus being blinded by love. However, now that we have been in NC for 4 months (despite me trying two months into our NC phase to reach out to him to let him know that we can be cool with each other – dumb, I know! – because I figured enough time had passed since our blowout…), I am able to reflect objectively on this situation. Sure, I had my flaws and faults which contributed to the relationship, but I guess I held on to the hope that as time passed, he would mature and see me for me. Ahhh!! I was living in a fantasy world, I guess. It is really helpful to read these posts and know that it was likely more him than me (as I spent much time wallowing in self-doubt about why this relationship failed, thinking I was not all he was looking for….which is nonsense!). Ladies, the best info I took away from this situation is this: If a man cannot express himself (thru action or words), then RUN!!! RUN far, far away from him! He will drop you like a hotcake and move on to a girl he KNOWS he can manipulate and swindle! Good luck to you all!!
Prianna,
Ask yourself if you’re afraid of being happy and winning your self-esteem back?
We don’t need others to make us happy, we have to do that on our own! Prianna, what do you get from this ‘relationship?’
Prianna,
I understand totally where you are coming from. We all do. It will hurt, but you know, what others say is true. Think about how going through the grieving process is relatively brief compared to feleing like you are running in quick sand around this man for years. Men like these have attachment issues, I’d bet that if you knew his family’s history or even his personal story, you could pinpoint factors that made him this way. Keep in mind that it is not you – it is him…he has a warped way of relating to others. And do not fear starting over with someone, when you meet the right person, it will be quick and you will never have the self-doubts or anxieties about why he is acting so oddly. This is what I have learned in just 4 months. You can, too, if you just let yourself grieve and give yourself time away from him. It will be difficult but do things – like workout, take a class, make sure you hang out with friends and family often so as to now be alone and really wallow. Keep your head up! You will ge thru it!
Thanks guys I am now on day 3 of NC and he doesn’t even seem bothered. But I know I will overcome this. All I get out of this relationship is confusion and stress. Started hanging out with my family and I am going back to school to do my masters. I know that this is very unhealthy for me but I am taking one step at a time. Thnks again.
Hi again, Prianna!
Good for you! I, too, am finishing up my advanced degree. I am also doing things that I never did before, like taking a dance class and meditating. However, he still is on my mind a lot and even appears in my dreams still. But I have gotten used to not talking to him. I go up and down, and it is to be expected, but I feel that he has done me a favor by leaving me be, even if he “doesn’t care” anymore or has moved on to some chic. Eventually, you will get to that point of feeling better – time really does ease the stress/pain, as you know. Best of luck in school! And again, chin up, 2 u and all the ladies on here!
To all the Girls..
Thank you truly, i didn’t know what to think from this man i was seeing for 6 weeks, but it was all to clear reading this today, and gave me the strength i needed to end it before the hurt was increased…I thank you because i really had seen what you girls had gone through and it was all to familiar with this man…
Thank you!!!
glad i was able to finish things before they got out of hand.
am such a fool tko be with him.
OMG! I never knew all this! Never even heard of the term “emotionally unavailable”. I always had the good guys and could never understand my friends who dated these morons. But at 35 I fell for one myself. Found a perfect profile on a datingsite and off I went..
And now I have just been sitting solemnly alone on my couch for the last few weeks, obsessively checking my email, his facebook, checking how often he logs in on his online datingprofile with only one question in my head: Why? WHY?
Why did we have this amazing chemistry? Why did he almost immediately started talking about marriage, the one woman who would change his life, children he wanted so badly, leading me to think I could be that woman. Why did he at the same time not have a dollup of interest in the things I do, didn´t call when he said he would, standing me up, playing with his Iphone while I was talking to him, kept logging onto the datingsite I found him on. Why did he outright say to me he didn´t trust me getting my career back on track? Etc. etc. Making me feel constantly that I didn´t match up to his checklist for the perfect woman.
Then after I had the insight to break it off he started texting (of course not calling!) me exessently, telling me he missed me, that he had been afraid, that he felt lik we belonged etc.
So I believed him and caved, spent a day and a night with him, kissed him goodbye to meet up the next day.
He never showed, never called, send me a lame email 3 days later that he didn´t see himself building his so much wanted family with me. In other words, I wasn´t good enough for him and that apearantly excused him from any civil behaviour towards me. He never apoligized for standing me up.
After reading here I no longer ask why he behaved this way and if there is still a chance for us. Now I just wonder why I attracted him in the first place and how to prevend meeting anyone like him in the future. A much healthier approach! Thanks!
Anne,
One indication he is an EUM is when he moves too quickly into a relationship. It is not normal for someone to be making proclamations of love so quickly, normal love grows over time. This also happened to me-thought it was strange and scary but I let it pass-and as I look back now I should have ran.
If this fool tries to make contact-he probably will when he needs his ego boost or sex-know that nothing will change and it will only continue to erode what self-esteem you have left.
Stay strong!!!!
Hi NML,
After reading Anne’s post, I was wondering if these guys actually believe themselves to be in love in the beginning, or is it all a con for sex and an ego stroke? I had read (other sites) in the earlier days that these men truly want a relationship but due to their ‘issues’ are emotionally incapable of letting anyone in.
Thanks
Gaynor, they are not capable to have a relationship but they keep on “trying” with the same results. After all, isn’t this what a man is suppose to do?
A friend of mine told me once: Astelle, it doesn’t matter if a horse kicks you by accident or intentionally, it hurts the same.
Astelle,
Thanks. I got a little chuckle after reading your answer.
I will interpret your answer to mean that they believe themselves to be in love, so I guess they’re actually conning themselves as well.
Astelle, LOL at your horse comment! I think my EUM just has this picture perfect image of a future harmonious family in his head which he truly believes will make his whole life completed. But it al depends on the perfect wife of course…
I think he never even saw me (which is the painful bit that makes you want to jump up and down and scream “see me” “here I am”). He only saw this mental image of his imaginitive wife. And I didn´t fit. And then he got doubts, went cold on me. Felt attraction, missed the warmth and went hot again and so on. I don´t think it was bad intent, I just think he is really messed up and doesn´t want to see it himself (cause I did point his out to him).
Well, not at the expense of me anymore. Did I mention he has major mother issues?
Gaynor,I am not sure about the” love” thing, I can just go by what my frog did. He can keep up a façade for just a while and then Mr. Nasty, Hateful, Alcoholic, the real messed up him comes to the surface.
Anne, be “careful” with online dating, you will probaby find a lot of these types online.
Mother issues? What kind?
He comes from a broken home, mother left them, swore himself to have a better wife then that and a stable family. He told me all this on the second date. Which in hindsight is perhaps not quite normal… Little red flag that I happily ignored because I was so thrilled to be the one to make it all better for him. Someone should have slapped me in the face…
Am so, so pleased to have found this site! Have spent the last couple of hours reading all of the entries. There is oddles of invaluable advice & I now plan to make use of it in the next few days. I will share my EUM experience, once I’ve determined how to put it across.
Wow, what a great site. happy to have found it and to read every ones insightful and helpful entries. Feels like support just reading them. I had befriended a man who moved into my building who was going through a divorce. He had been faithfully married for almost 20 years. Found his wife in romantic chat rooms and asked her to stop. According to him she wouldn’t and would also not go into counseling to save there marriage. He hooked up with some one else before he left the house and moved in with her for a month before moving into my building. We became closer and closer friends and I was always a support person to him while he was going through his greiving. I did not at the time think of this as rescuing behavior as I was only thinking of him as a friend at that time. In October of this year he told me he did not feel close to his girl friend, felt shut down a round her and did not feel connected to her and that they almost never had sex which I guess was a big issue in his marriage. He would tell me how he felt way more connected to me. We still were only neighbors and friends at this time. He was always crying that he didn’t know what to do. I would tell him he would eventually. He broke it off with her before Christmas, and even thought it was him who broke it off felt totally abandoned and grief striken, Perhaps the divorce catching up?? He started flirting with me almost immediately and we went out as “friends” a few times, but he would mention wanting to date other women and have sex. Guess I could understand that after a 20 year sexless marriage. I became more atracted to him over the next couple of months and he still confided in me, sometimes about the girls he was trying to date and learning how to do that as he’d never dated before. Went from his Mom’s to his wifes. Anyway, we ended up liking each other more and more, and I kept hearing him say things like “his friends were all making bets on me” and his mother had this intuitive feeling about me when she saw my pick and he told me he talked to her about me all the time. And would say things like “he should just flush all these girls down the toilette that he doesn’t care about and be with me.” and “we should just throw in the towel and get married all ready”. We got together on valentines day, and kissed for 6 hours! then I started having panic attacks the next day!! Thinking it was my emotionally abusive child hood coming up. Well maybe, but it was alos all the red flags I did not want to see waiving at me. HELLO! within less then a week he called from upstairs saying he’d had a bad day. I went up to his place and found him writhing in pain-tears after having vomitted for hours over remorse and sadness regarding his ex-girlfriend. I realized I had been his confidant for a year and a half, but really I did not want to hear any more. He’d given me numerous signals that he was not over her, and now here I was being hit over the head with it. What the hell was I thinking. Well I suppose I was thinking it was the first guy I ever I was friends with (and for a year) before being dating or considering a romantic relationship with. he certainly didn’t look like my type. And we had alwys had honest communicatio. I was in a ball the next day. He’s also been asking me to come home with him to meet his mom for a weekend the next state over. I called and said I couldn’t go, that there was no time or space for that kind of intimacy between us rite now. He agreed said he was sorry, and that if I had gone home with him he would have “fallen rite into it”. He said he’d been talking with a friend and told them he would rather keep me as a friend then to have us both walk away crying. he at first called the nest week to leave a message that he was thinking of me all the time, then another time to ask me to get soup as he was sick and I had to say no. When I called a few days later to see if he was ok, he said he missed me and i said me too. Now it’s been REALLY REALLY hard for me as I am in the front apartment and he parks rite outside my window. Saw him get in his car with some women the other day. Passed him outside and said hello. He stopped by to tell me he got a part in a movie last week and I couldn’t eve fathom the distance that seemed to be between us. I am seriously considering breaking my lease but also feel I should deal with this. I am so sad and there is so much greif coming up from this that I am sure must be attached to all the other grief episodes of my life and childhood. I know this was incredibly long but I know no one has to actually read it so it’s ok. Any one who did take the time, if they could offer anything I would be much appreciative. Thanks so much.
Brokenhearted
Hi Victoria,
This guy is just what his profession is an actor, I know I have my probs but this story is out of this world, he is just trying to sponge off of you emotionally. Just take one day at a time and do not break you lease. If you can, when you see him be your happiest and smile even if you go in your room and cry after. Do not give him the benefit of knowing that he has such a bad effect on you and most of all girlfriend, keep strong and pray daily and ask the Lord for some insight and clarity. I know that you will make it. Just take tiny steps.
Victoria,
Sounds like a lot of drama. This guy is an emotional user and sounds incapable of being on his own. I was wondering if everything was always about him?
As Prianna said, “do not break your lease” its not worth the expense, and I’m sure you’ll be able to move beyond this clown in no time.
I hope that you are not going to make yourself available for ‘counseling services’ any longer b/c this guy is a complete waste of time.
Victoria,
You have to wonder why no one wants to sleep with him, maybe he’s lousy in bed.
Victoria,
I am sorry you are having to bother with this guy on this level. He reeled you in as his “friend” (although, it sounds rather one sided to me, his side), then tried for the next level, only to back off, in actually very weak and pathetic ways. This is probably a classic example of managing down expectations that NML has written about.
One thing I heard was that, he was keeping you intrigued by suggesting that he was into you by telling you how much “other people” thought you were so good for him.(Including playing the mother card, jeeezzzz). No where in there did I hear you say that he himself actually declared feelings or some kind of commitment to your situation. He was telling you what you wanted to hear by proxy. Using others words and thoughts (if those were even truly real) to give you the impression that somehow he himself had actually expressed them. Believe me, I have been through that, if you would bring it up later, he could deny ever expressing such things, because, in reality, he hadn’t. Strange indeed.
I think it is great that you seem to have caught this before you got in too deep. My suggestion about the window view would be to keep the blinds down or the curtains drawn. Don’t look there anymore, he is probably aware that you can see his car and who he is getting into it with and gets a kick or some kind of sick pleasure out of it. Just close that channel down.
Keep strong Victoria, you sound like you have a handle on this, don’t let him manipulate you into his web any longer. ts.
Dear Gaynor, Prianna, and TS. Thanks you soooooooooooooo much for your replies. SOOOOOOOO helpful to feel support. Thank you ladies. I still feel like shit on and off but am dealing the best I can. I think you are rite about the proxy stuff and while I was swimming tonight I thought I wonder why I never called him on it and said ” well what are you betting on?” he had told me he loved me about 5 times between valentines and his nervous breakdown over the ex, but still within that was ” you couldn’t have picked a worse time” and “you picked the worst possible person to like”, and “this has nothing to do with not being into you, the timing just sucks!” I guess I was thinking that after being better and better friends after over a year, that he kinda new me and me him. We always had fun together and he once said when he thought of his perfect woman, I fit the T exactly. He really is naive and has not had enough experience (yet) to be a player (who knows, maybe he’s on his way
He told me his wife was 300 pounds and didn’t feel good about herself and that was why they didn’t have much sex. Then after a month with the g.f., “her issues” came up and she didn’t want to either. So maybe that’s his thing and he will unconsciously go find someone else to not satisfy him.
I ran into him the other day in the hallway Prianna, and came across confident and centered. Had a few words and that was it. By the way, he’s not an actor, he’s a courrier. Got lucky and was approached by the director.
I am also not breaking my lease at this time. I also will not be available for counseling services any longer! Maybe I never should have. Thought I was being compassionate at the time. maybe you are rite and I should keep the blinds down. he also took to sitting under the tree that is 10 feet in front of my window! it’s a small patch of grass in the front of the building, not a yard!
I must say though, this has brought up this incredible amount of sadness and longing in me…probably old issues that I really thought I had so moved on from. I am doing “the presence process” by Michael Brown. Don’t know if you ladies ever heard of it…to release old fears, greif and anger.
I have been crying every day. I have only lived in this city for 3 years and he was one of the people who was consistent in my life.
Thanks so much ladies for taking the time to read my story and respond. means a lot to me. You guys sound like strong women.
Victoria
Victoria,
I am so sorry you were taken advantage of the way you were, I didn’t realize to what level he had taken it.
It is so hurtful when you believe them to be your friends-most especially in your case-and they betray you so. My friend/ex also did the I love you thing but when there came a point when he realized that I fell for him, he bailed. He also has ex issues-but won’t return to her-and did the whole “if it were a different time” and my personal favorite “we spend all the holidays together b/c of the kids,” the kids are adults in college and they had been divorced for four-years. So stupid!!! I can laugh now and so will you!
Stay away from this guy, he has so many issues and nothing to offer but endless drama, confusion, lies and betrayal.
Stay strong!
Hi Gaynor,
Thank you again for your support. I will stay away from him. I am sorry that you had to deal with your ex’s holiday crap! That sounds like it must have been very painful to deal with. I am glad that you can laugh about it now. I am looking forward to the day that I laugh about this and say “What the hell was I thinking!”!
Thanks for your support Gaynor.
Victoria
Hi Ladies,
I was reading some articles on this site last night when knock knock knock on the door. It was him from upstairs. Came down cause he wanted to invite me to the fund raiser for the movie he is going to be in. There filming it in April in the bar where the part is. Apparently he was there the night before with the movie crew and told me how the director introduced him to everyone as the star of the movie and how that felt so weird for him and all the attention. He said he really wanted me to come and twice said how much it would mean to him. I lied and said I was having dinner with a friend and didn’t know what we would be doing later. I regretted it after he left because I am giving him the message that I would do it but just had other plans. He looked so happy about the whole thing that a part of me did not want to rain on his parade. I need to tell him the truth. “I can’t be your friend”. And I really don’t see how he can be mine????? How could this feel good to him??? I mean I don’t know if he is seeing anyone, but he did not ask me to go with him, rather telling me and “feel free to bring your friends” and that he would be doing his henna art and I could get henna’s. I am thinking in my head as he is standing there talking and we, I should say ME is being all nicey nice, saying how good I am doing and blah blah blah. I think it is hard for me to LET GO. Still not wanting it to be nothing. But what am I letting go of….It already is nothing……. Been sad and grieving still. Doing a process not that is bringing up lost of old fear, anger and grief. For me it is the grief and fear. I have not felt this much grief since my mother died 20 years ago. It shocks me that I could have so much sadness in me. Thanks for listening ladies.
Victoria,,
Remember with him, it’s me, me, me. It’s time to see him for who he really is.
Let it go, he has nothing to offer anyone! He is user and only offers drama and misery. If you have any doubts reread your other posts.
Glad you didn’t go.
I cannot believe this site! I wish I’d found it 18 months ago when I was swept off my feet and left my husband!
Classic EUM, textbook stuff….I have believed that if I kept waiting, eventually he would see that I WAS the love of his life as he kept saying I was in the beginning…together forever, helped him get over his wife…OMG!!! I have just had the worst 6 months of my life when he left me, quite suddenly but had been treating me so badly for most of it. WHY DID I PUT UP WITH IT???!!?? Because my self esteem was so low, that I thought I deserved it.
Well, newsflash ladies…we ALL deserve much better than these creeps give us. Kick them to the kerb and harness the strength of being in control of your own life and destiny in getting better. And don’t be so desperate to look for Mr Right….he will find YOU!!
knowledge is power…how very true!
I have just broken contact with my very own EUM. What an idiot. We met at work, he made contact when I left there. I was married, he had a girlfriend. We went for drinks ‘as friends’, and very quickly he made a move. We have seen each other several times since, and the sex was mind-blowing. I have broken up with my husband since (unrelated to him but he was a catalyst – made me realise how unhappy I was to ‘go elsewhere’) He took me away for 3 days to the countryside (while his gf was on holiday!!), we did very couply, romantic things together, had amazing sex, really got on well. Over the past 4 months all I have heard is how much he doesn’t get on with his girlfriend but he can’t dump her because he ‘doesn’t want to hurt her’, etc. And I just let this happen!! He tells me not to wait for him and to go out on the pull, but then on the other hand tells he how much he likes me, takes me to amazing restaurants, etc. MIXED SIGNALS!! He also calls / texts very late at night when drunk – classic EUM. So the crunch came when I met someone new, and I told him I went out for a date. He immediately told me he was being set up with someone on a blind date by his friends. That was the final straw, I sent him a long email saying how unfair it was of him to treat me like this, I could live with the girlfriend but not other women on the side as well! And he replied with some sarcastic email that basically tells me nothing – EUMs are very good at avoiding questions and issues!! I have broken contact, and now only refer to him as Sleazebag-Smallcock-Badjeans-Shortarse. And I feel so much stronger for it. Early days I know but I can’t believe I fell for him and his sleazy lines about how gorgeous he thinks I am etc. It was a load of rubbish to get sex from me and that’s all. He can go get it elsewhere!!
Popps,
You “could live with the girlfriend but not the other woman?” I don’t get it what’s the difference, he’s still with someone else. Is it acceptable if they only have one other woman in their lives????????
Hon, you allowed him to treat you like this and no one else.
Do you guys think workaholic might be a sign too? xEUM is a big workaholic that is the main reason we broke up. He never had time for me. He was always working 12 hour days and on the weekends too. Do you think working so much might be used as an excuse to avoid intimacy.
@ mariposa, I don’t think it matters if a workaholic is EUM or not.
What does matter, is that like the married guy, he isn’t available. His focus and dedication are already fully committed – to his work. This might be a reasoned choice – he might be horribly undisciplined and needy, and packed with fears.
And it doesn’t matter. He is not ready to make the life changes that entering a relationship would mean. He is not there for you.
That was a good call in leaving him. Now is the time to figure out how to pick someone interested, respectful, and flexible enough to consider a long term relationship.
@ popps,
So .. the girfriend is OK .. Just curious, how many women do you think it is OK to sleep with, one step removed? How much STD exposure to you wish to leave to your partner’s partners, and their partners, too?
Like gaynor, I fail to see the difference between dating two women and dating four or ten. You are either monogamous, or not. Like saying the light bulb is a little bit burnt out, He is either loyal to you, or he is not. There are no shades of grey.
In the future, never wait for a guy to leave a gf or wife. If he will leave her, he will leave you. And, as he demonstrates, he won’t wait until he leaves to find a new snuggle bunny.
Luck,
Brad K.’s last blog post..From lending money to protecting your heart
I could live wiht him having a girlfriend because a stupid part of me felt that the only reason he wasn’t with me was because he was with her. Then finding out he’s actually still on the lookout for something else as well as me hurt like hell. So that’s why. Not saying it’s right.
@ Popps,
“right” or “wrong” isn’t the part that bothers me. “hurtful” and “causes popps injury”, that is the part that bothers me.
Brad K.’s last blog post..trlt: Springtime and rediscovering fun
Popps,
So let’s see, he trying to prevent any pain to this woman but he’s sleeping around on her, this doesn’t make sense.
I thought it was funny how you were OK when he was ‘only’ sleeping with you but when it became clear that there more women in the picture he became a “sleaze-bag.” Why would you think this man could be honorable if you’re entering the relationship based on lies???? I think it would hurt the girlfriend more to know that her man is screwing around than ending the relationship. Don’t you??
Gaynor, gently with popps, please. She seems to be in deep denial. I don’t mean that disparagingly, please.
Because until we are ready to hear something – we won’t. To every thing there is a time, and a season, under heaven.
Brad K.’s last blog post..trlt: Springtime and rediscovering fun
What a wonderful resource this site is! I met a man online and dated him for just over a month. I had been single for a long time and I admit that I was lonely. So I was naturally bowled over by his constant attention, lavish words and persistent chase. Unfortunately I soon realised that he was obsessed with his ex, I was over-giving, and he wasn’t interested in learning anything about me except for surface details he could use to flatter me with. He left after sleeping with me each time, and I’m ashamed to say that I put up with it five times, until I could no longer deny that sex with him was a horrible empty experience, and the worst sex of my life. I felt more loved using my hand by myself – and that’s the truth. He would barely touch me while he pumped away, would only ever kiss with pursed lips, and in hindsight all I really wanted was to be held. There were also signs that he was contemptuous of me for not being his ex – it turns out she and I were like night and day in lifestyle and appearance. Anyway, to cut a long story short, as soon as I listened to my gut that I’d been trying to drown out with visions of a wonderful man and a future, I told him I no longer wanted to see him, ignored his attempts to wheedle his way back in, and blocked all contact with him. I have since realised that I was repeating a relationship from nearly a decade ago, my first ‘love’, who was very emotionally unavailable (and constantly ashamed of me for superficial reasons.) He even looked like him and had the same lifestyle. I spent four years with my ex but only one month with this Assclown. I think that’s progress – but my grief has been disproportionate to being used for a month, so I think I might be grieving for the past too, as I ran away instead of processing the experience. I’m now trying to be more aware of the signs and making a conscious effort not to repeat history. I have read the excellent eBook and really, really hope that I can be as strong as I’m required to be. (I must, however, thank my lucky stars for giving me the strength to end it after one month not six or twelve as my old habit would have been.)
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