Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
In an excerpt from my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I share some of the most common signs and behaviour’s that you’re involved with a Mr Unavailable – an emotionally, and often spiritually and physically unavailable man. More often than not, the primary issue that women focus on is the emotional unavailability, but there are always physical and spiritual issues to prop it up. Mr Unavailable isn’t a Bad Boy per se and has nice qualities, which is what keeps the millions of women lingering around.
He is the ambiguous, hard to read, very attractive anomaly that sits between a Bad Boy and Mr Nice Guy. Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM – emotionally unavailable man) is one of the most dangerous men that you could meet and every day his inability to tap into his emotions and into himself has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him.
His characteristics, personality and behaviour give the women he engages with, just enough of a hint of what he could be, if only he wasn’t so self-involved and quite messed up.
They have a host of excuses as to why they can’t be as much of a partner as we would like them to be and they blame “timing”, and tell you that “If only things were different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend” but that doesn’t explain why they continue to play havoc with your emotions.
Mr Unavailables are very much about the chase. They pursue hard, shower you with attention and lay it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off. Then he homes in again. This is the Pushey Pulley Game that he uses to achieve The Status Quo. After a while it seems like they want to avoid doing anything that involves them being close to you despite starting off the “relationship” very eagerly.
Here are just some of the signs that you’re with a Mr Unavailable. If you find one sign, you’ll find many, but often one sign is enough and you should use this to evaluate whether this is the type of relationship that you actually want to be involved in, because each and every one of these signs, especially when more than one of them exists, spell pain and trouble. Here goes…
He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman.
He’s recently separated – read my post on how to cope when he’s separated.
Or he’s divorced but clinging to the fact that he’s been divorced to avoid committing – see my post on ‘Am I right not to go back to my flip-flapping divorcee?‘
He’s in a long distance relationship. With someone else. Or you’re in one with him and he has no desire to get closer – read my roughguide to a new long distance relationship.
He’s very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact – read my post on why you should be wary of any man who is reliant on text messaging etc.
They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship – check out my post on defining the relationship.
You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call.
He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;'If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’.
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex.
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously.
He’s openly not over his ex.
He says he’s over his ex but he’s quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship.
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them often.
He’s an overt mother lover/mummy’s boy.
He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother.
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
He’s one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you’ve been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
He won’t take calls either before or after a certain time – often a sign that he’s cheating.
He doesn’t come around to your place until late.
He is resistant to involving himself in your life.
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up.
He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship.
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’.
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation.
It feels like he blows hot and cold.
He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter.
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with.
He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date and years are going by.
He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
Hes got about as much emotion in him as a stone.
He may try and sleep with you on the first night.
Make sure you are aware of the implications of red flags in relationships and having little or no boundaries
Your thoughts?
For over 300 pages of detail on Mr Unavailable’s and the difficult relationships you can become involved in, check out my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. If you’re trying to let go of a relationship, but struggling, also check out my ebook The No Contact Rule. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service
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I can’t tell you how relieved I was when I found this site. I thought I was losing my mind. I honestly thought everything wrong in our relationship was my fault. I was too emotional, too needy, too this, too that. I gave and gave and got nothing in return except attitude from him. Everything I have felt in the past year or thought about him can be found in this article. My thoughts and feelings could have written it. Thank you.
I am so extremely happy that I found this site. Not by chance. It was referenced on EAS website I belong to. Yeah, the bonehead I was dating was a mm and I was a fool to think he cared about me. He only cared about himself and it took me 2 years to wake up to that painful fact. What a fool I am and a huge loser he is. I feel so much better to have picked up my life and am now moving on to peace and happiness. I like this site very much and will visit frequently.
Wow, I found this list yesterday and my jaw dropped. Now, I haven’t had a lot of relationships in my life, but I’m amazed I didn’t see the signs with my ex long before we ever dated. He is a classic EUM. He’s a great friend though, mostly! I was 99% over him but when I read this list I’m now 200% over him. I know I’m naive in general sometimes, but never again about these guys. He’s a fun playmate though, gotta give him that. Thank you for this site, it helped me more than I can explain, and will help me attract different, emotionally Available men in the future when I’m ready to start looking again.
Wow, welcome to my life!!
I met a man at work, (newly divorced), he was so sweet and persued me to the 10th degree! We went on sweet dates, closed down pubs and restaurants. He sent me the sweetest text messages you’ve ever heard. Well that first YEAR of the relationship started out well, but turned into a massiave push and pull, hot and cold. I fell very hard for this man, and he had almost no regard for my feelings. I’d go 2 weeks without hearing from him. I saw a picture on facebook of a girl from the office (who he was apparently just friends with) with him at a wedding! I went to a wedding ALONE that year. I was nearly suicidal that year as I was so depressed that I could fall for someone who couldn’t care less about my feelings. At the end of the first year, we officially became a couple, because I stopped working at the company. I met ALL his friends (this is a year after that and he’s barely met any of my friends, and the ones he has, it was in passing). We haven’t met each other’s families. He still has hot and cold tendencies, we see each other from friday night to Sunday (and he STILL asks me “what are your plans?” and I have to say “you”). He’s very busy with work so we’ll go 10day to 2 weeks REGULARLY without seeing each other, as he has to travel a lot (not a cheating excuse, legitimate travel). But do you think he’ll call me while he’s away? Do you think he’ll text me goodmorning or goodnight? Sometimes I just want to say to him “you know what? I’m getting NOTHING out of this relationship at all, if it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t see each other, or talk to each other, EVER. You get EVERYTHING out of this relationship. I’m there for you when you need me, I’m caring, I give you your space, I don’t nag, I look the other way when you cancel plans last minute due to a business dinner and leave me with no plans on a friday night, I come to you ALWAYS, what’s in it FOR ME?! Misery?!” But there’s another side of me that is so unbelievably scared that he’ll walk, because I do love him, he’s not a bad person, he just won’t open himself up at all, won’t make himself available. This is 2years in (although just one year for him, we’re still “new”…the first year didn’t count to him…as we weren’t exclusive, nice huh?).
All my friends want me to break it off, but I can’t bring myself to. It’s a massive issue for me!
Sarah,
Falling in love is a bonding, and attachment that grows towards people, pets, and other things we cherish.
Choosing a companion, though, has to take into account whether we are ready to adapt our needs to our prospective partner – and whether that partner is available, is trainable (will respond appropriately when change is needed), is likely to be a useful addition to our economic and social lives, and is a good person. Restricting our choices to “good” – honorable, honest, respectful, disciplined, nurturing – people helps us to grow to be better people. If we hang with drunks and liars..
Many times we skip the second part, of evaluating whether this person we are drawn to will be good for us, will enhance our lives – and is ready and willing to be a partner. Like many things, just saying the words doesn’t make it so for us, and hearing the words doesn’t make it so, either. It takes time and effort to be sure we have separated the sex adventurers from the mate-prospects.
NML has written a lot about the Fallback Girls and the EUM’s that assure drama and turmoil in their lives. Many of the posts deal with this topic, and her ebook Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl does a good job of explaining what happens and how to stop being a Fallback Girl – and find someone likely to be a good partner.
Luck in finding answers and a happier way to live.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances
Hmmmmm
Brad, this is excellent and sound advice when considering anyone we are thinking of getting to know, not just partners.
Thank you.
Is it usual for an emotionally unavailable man to try to turn you into his ex? And seem to resent you for not being his ex? A recent dating experience was like this – they had been broken up for nearly a year, but he was not over her, so I dumped his azz. I’m flummoxed as to why someone would try to turn someone else into their ex because I’ve never tried to do that. He seemed to dislike me for not being her – but this doesn’t make sense to me? Was it his self-hate he was taking out on me? Or his resentment that he wasn’t with her? He said he “had to let go of her” but I now suspect that she dumped him.
Great article and comments. I was “involved” with a EUM trying to form a simple platonic friendship. He was keen to be friends, and came on strong, sharing deeply personal things with me– going from casual acquaintance to extremely personal within days. As soon as I felt we were “getting close” he dropped from my life without a word and refused to respond to me.
He never explained what happened when he returned 2 months later. His mixed signals were almost comical– obviously making a play to be physically close to me, yet ignoring me once he was next to me. When I questioned him, he got angry at me, and blamed me for “expecting” any kind of emotional “intimacy” with him, like that was such a unreasonable desire to expect between friends!
He’s now in a “relationship” with the 4th women in 9 months (5 if you count me and how close our “friendship” became). He becomes instant-couples with women, and it’s over within 90 days, when normal, healthy relationships would progress to a level of emotional intimacy.
Of course I blamed myself and wondered what I had done wrong. I now know it’s all about him. That said, I have gone through a fantastic recovery program and understand I had an addiction to the pain of EU people, and that I had a history of repeating the pattern of falling for an EUM and reliving the pain over and over.
Interestingly enough, I find myself completely turned off to these types now, which coincides with my many months of recovery. This man and men like him no longer hold any appeal. I see them as a sickness that I no longer want a part of. I have healed and recovered and they are nothing more than harmful “drugs”.
That EUM is still in my social circle but I have nothing to do with him. I might be childish, but I can’t even muster the desire to say hello to him. I think he’s rather surprised at my complete lack of interest– I suspect his latest hookup is little more than a pawn in the game of deceit he plays with himself and others. I think he assumed I’d be jealous, being forced to see him with his new “soul mate” but actually I’m relieved that I’m not her.
Like a developing science experiment, I observe him and see his falseness as he once again plays the role of “attentive boyfriend” with this new woman, and am glad I’m not as sick as they both are.
Thanks for everyone’s ‘kind’ words when I was feeling at my lowest point. I have broken contact and haven’t seen my wonderful EUM for over 6 weeks. And won’t be ever again. Just thought I would update.
What do you do when you have to deal with him? Mine owes me money and it is such a chore to get him to pay me every month. I have a right to ask for it but he calls me unreasonable when I ask over and over (just to let you know he has never paid on time and is still a month and a half behind). He turns everything around and makes me feel guilty for even asking in the first place.
Hi Allie, there was an article about that. I think that issue was discussed here: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/finance-romance-do-not-mix-aint-nothin-going-on-but-the-rent/
Thanks Truthhurts. The article was so very true. At the time I loaned him the money we were getting along good and yes I did think it would make us closer. I even told him that. Hindsight is 20/20. I will never do that again, for anyone. We had it out yesterday big time and I did get another check. I will get my money and he knows it. I will pester him to death if I have to. Trust me when I say I can outlast him on that. After yesterday he can’t hurt me anymore or control the situation. I took back control of my life and feelings but at the same time I just feel so stupid for ever doing it in the first place. How do you get past that feeling is what I need to figure out now?
OMG an aspergers man!!!!!!..emotionally unavailable….simple…
Puzzled,
I doubt if it is “usual” for an EUM to try to make a new date into whoever they think their ex was.
But I think we all carry baggage around with us. When we are young our parents define for us what an adult is and how they act. As we grow and spend more time with companions our age, our “filter”, our baggage, changes a bit – but the way our parents acted and communicated, the honor, respect, and nurturing we grew up with – those are really powerful definitions in our lives.
Many life experiences layer new information over our home lives – military, police, fire service, most occupations, long friendships, and marriages and long term relationships – we pick up new understandings and redefine how to get along, what other people enjoy or want from us, who we can trust, and even who to care fore and care about.
I imagine your bozo was pretty lost before his ex, and now doesn’t really know anything beyond what he learned with her. And since he is still wrapped up in that failed relationship, he isn’t ready ..
.. he isn’t ready to look at who he is with now. He is so distracted by the “What if ..” and “How could she ..?” questions that he doesn’t even notice – he doesn’t know what you want. He isn’t trying to make you over, or to return to his lost love, with you as a handy stand in – He isn’t ready to respect you for who you are. Whatever other issues this bozo may have don’t matter – he isn’t ready to be a “man” for any woman.
I imagine his communication skills and self-knowledge, his respect and honor are questionable – or why would he have left the previous relationship? Or picked a partner that wasn’t going to be there for the long term? He has stuff to tidy up before he will be ready to meet you as a potential partner, and be a partner for you or for anyone.
Don’t get hung up on details. You recognized that he wasn’t a useful partner, that instead he was likely to make both of you unhappy. While you wonder why he pulled such a stupid stunt, I doubt you will find an answer than a general “He didn’t know any better, and didn’t see what he was doing.” Because his issues are with his feelings for his ex – and his failure to accept responsibility for his role in the demise of the relationship, etc. – there is nothing you can do to make anything work with him. Time might help him, if he starts following a better direction than he has been – but that would mean a change in him. And if he changes – you won’t likely be the woman he then needs.
Bad timing. You were there, but he was not ..
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
The older I get the less I think I’ll be loved. I’m not bagging men. I love men. But I’ve met so many men who want to use me, and the older I get, these seem to be the only types of men I meet, they come in so many incarnations so slip under my radar. I feel sad. This has been exasperated because I was used recently. And while I used to have confidence now I think that maybe I’m just not meant to be cherished like other girls are. I have been single for ages, live by myself, volunteer, and do all the stuff I’m “supposed” to (which I enjoy as well.) I look after my appearance. I’m in my early thirties and don’t know what to do. I’ve stopped online dating as I only met users and players. I don’t know what I’m asking. I just wonder if any other women feel the same.
Hi ohtobecherised, I feel the same way. I like to think that it is because all the good guys are taken but although it´s true that a lot of them are, I also think that it is our own insecurtity about getting older that is making us voulnerable to EUMs. And the fact that I don´t meet single men by the dozen as we do when we´re in college and going out a lot. With work and a settled group of friends I just don´t meet a lot of new people (men).
And online dating sites… that´s a playground for EUMs.
So what to do? I´ve been thinking about getting a hobby which will allow me to meet new people but haven´t been able to come up with anything yet.
Why is it so hard to let go of an EUM? I have a MBA. I’m a smart woman. I know I deserve better. I want better than this. So why do I find it so hard to let go? I did reject his advances the other night and he left without a problem, but I felt so guilty and hurt that I was willing to think about a FWB relationship. Every time I begin to think that he isn’t an EUM I just have to read the articles on this site and everything I’ve every felt and thought is here in black and white. So why can’t I let go?
cassie,
You are right, you are smart, and skilled, and accomplished. What is left – is emotions.
And it is the emotions part that trips us up.
There are several issues working here. One is that you picked someone that is EUM. Another is that you stayed with one, and appear content to have continued. Then there is the issue of getting your act together, and getting your .. act .. out of harm’s way.
Picking an EUM might be a simple mistake – but more likely, you didn’t want someone that would actually be a part of your life, long term. You weren’t looking for a life-mate, a spouse. An EUM fills that role admirably. An EUM is also exciting (i.e., fraught with danger), and might be slick as can be at winning bed partners. A perpetual dater with advanced bed partner winning skills will be very quick to get to know, will feel comfortable immediately, you will feel you have known him forever -at the first meeting. These are all sterling qualities – for winning lots of bed partners.
There is nothing respectful, dependable, loyal, honest, honorable, or disciplined about winning lots of bed partners.
However you got hooked up with the EUM, you stayed with him. When he blew hot and cold, when he passed off his attacks and evasions – you bought it. Rather than recognize his manipulations and deceits and disrespect for what they were – you forgave his “mistakes”, or even believed that you were causing him turmoil. Uhh, we are all responsible for our own happiness, our own sadness, and our own mistakes. Only a bully will claim, “See what you made me do!”
In one sense you are ready to leave this sick puppy, because you recognize that there is no useful future any different that what you have today. You recognize that you have hurt yourself, trying to accommodate this bozo, and you are ready to heal those wounds and move on.
You have a lot of work to do, on emotions, on your needs, and on finding a way toward healing from where you are today. For some, No Contact is a necessary step, to put a barrier of time and space between interactions with him and yourself. This is to give you protection from additional harm, and time to begin identifying what about an unavailable, perpetually dating, disrespectful and deceptive clown attracted you.
Because something in you responded to him. You didn’t respect yourself, your needs, or your happiness enough to leave him out of your life. If you haven’t followed along in NML’s Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl – you may find some answers and suggestions there. Others have faced this same crossroads, and accepted the need to change.
It takes time, time before you will be ready for another partner, time to heal, time to find yourself, to re-learn to respect yourself and your awareness of red flags and “reject this bozo” moments.
It isn’t about smart, or accomplishment. It is about knowing your emotions, and the you inside. Self-respect, self-awareness, and finding more joy in live. (I find joy is completely different from humor. Humor doesn’t exist without pain, humiliation, etc. Joy is the true foundation of happiness.)
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Don’t love harder.
Please tell me I’m not losing my mind. First let me say that I’m working on me. I know it is my fault I was with an EUM and stayed. I have self-esteem problems that I’m working on. I have acknowledged I have issues and have begun to work on them. Every time I take two steps forward I feel like he knocks me back one.
I still I have deal with my EUM because I lent him money. He is paying it back just not as fast I would like (not even once a month). That is what the fight was about today and why I feel like I’m losing my mind. He agreed to pay on the 15th +/-2 days. Well it is now the 21st and still no payment. I of course having been asking him when he is going to pay. Tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and goes. Nothing. One excuse was “had to work late. I forgot.†I’ve told him over and over that if you can’t make the payment on time just tell me. Common courtesy goes a long way but it seems like a foreign language for him. Somehow he can turn his not paying on time around to make it seem like I’m being too pushy or unreasonable. I’m crazy. I have medical issues. HUH?? Don’t know where that one came from. He is so good at it that I apologize for the mess of the day. I know I’m right. I have a right to be paid on time, without drama.
Do these men ever think they are wrong? Can they see the emotional rollercoaster that we are on? Do they themselves like the drama? I have told him that I think he likes the drama because it would all go away if he paid on time. How do they feel when you flat out tell them they are wrong? I told him today the entire fight would have been avoided if he had simply said “Yeah I’m late. Here is the check.†All he could say to that was “I’m tired. Can we finish this later?â€
What’s with men who just want to be around you, but don’t want sex? This guy wasn’t over his ex, but wanted to be around me constantly. He was my age but I felt like his mother and also wondered what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to sleep with me. He put his arm on my back or around my waist in public, he always needed me close by. The first time I shared a bed with him he turned his back on me and put his dog in the middle of us. I should have left then, but I didn’t know he wasn’t over his ex, I thought he was sexually inexperienced or shy. He did eventually kiss me, very badly, and the sex was the coldest and most uncaring I’ve ever had. He bolted out the door afterwards after tucking me in and wishing me nice dreams the other times I slept with him too. He never hugged me but required me to be huggy and very touchy feeling with him all the time. He liked laying in my lap having his hair stroked for hours like a child. What is this? Was he traumatised from his break up? He’d been single for over six months. I don’t understand at all. I told him to go away and he’s been trying to contact me by email ever since, and when I bump into him he acts like nothing’s different, even though I explained why I dumped him.
Almost giddy today. Just got a glimpse of what a real relationship must be like when you actually talk to a person instead of communicating through texts. As I have metioned a couple of times above, my EUM owes me money and it has been a struggle. Well after another fight and me telling him he is wrong he pushed it off on a friend of his to deal with. The friend called, not texted. It was so refreshing to talk about the issue rather than try to fit it in the space of a text message. We worked out a schedule of payment and he plans to pay it off early. I will never again be in a relationship that relys on texts. One step closer. YAY for me.
OK I think I know the answer to this but for some reason I am second guessing myself and doubting that I am being reasonable.
I am in a long distance relationship and have been wanting to visit my boyfriend in his home town for some time but there is always an excuse. Finally we agreed on a date for a 2 day visit. I called to confirm that it was safe to book the flight. He confirms that it is a good weekend but that he will need to be “off the Grid” for about 5 hours on Saturday in order to volunteer for a local preschool helmit fitting function. I was completely shocked by this…. they were short of volunteers for this event and it was 3 and 1/2 weeks away? He did not ask me to volunteer with him. Ummmm can any of you give me some feedback as to what to make of this? I was completely thrown by this need to do good. He and I have not seen each other for 3 months.
Tina,
This is not a relationship – this is a series of dates. He is not your life-mate, he is not in a serious relationship with you.
He is being “polite”, letting you come to visit. If he were hungry to be with you, he would be active in picking a time that would be free of conflicts – he wouldn’t consider anything else.
If you think of this guy as a penpal, or a “friend with benefits” – a dating partner – that is your choice. If you think this is an actual relationship, a life-mating prospect, then I think you may have over-stated the relationship.
Cassie,
I am sure there are good and valid reasons for texting. Like ordering a fan belt by the correct part number.
From what I have seen, though, most texting, like too many phone calls, are about gossip – and not about respect or about completing a task.
And I hope you do get the money back.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances
Brad,
Thanks for your kind replies. Could I ask something from a previous post of mine? Do these EUM ever think they are wrong? Is changing the subject or putting it off a defense mechanism to protect them? Are they blind to the emotional rollercoaster that the woman is on? I think I have read that EUMs think they are all that and more but could they really have low self-esteem too and take it the opposite direction that women do? I have always believed that bullies pick on people to make themselves feel better and isn’t an EUM a type of bully?
Ugh… the way he talks to me on the phone would seem we are life-partners, life mates. We talk about being together forever. But when it comes down to it he always gets cold feet when it comes to actually meeting. Thank you for your directness I guess I was trying to take this relationship to another level in which he “said” he wanted too but when it came to action he is all smoke.
Cassie, truly I do not know.
From what I read, all to many EUM’s bully the people in their lives, including girlfriends/wives, children, elders, etc. But I don’t think being emotionally unavailable means being a bully. Are all bullies EUM? I doubt it.
Many women that take up with EUM’s tend to act emotionally unavailable, until they confront their inner conflices and lack of self esteem. I expect that emotionally unavailable men are also likely low on self esteem, eager to avoid looking weak or stupid – and apt to cover up their inner doubts.
About whether EUM’s think they are ever wrong. That likely depends. Because they are in denial and self-denial, they are often quite practiced at pretending to be right all the time. Pretending is a fascinating practice. Practice long enough, and the pretend becomes real. Pretend sleeping, and you often fall asleep. Pretend to care for someone, and you can likely form a relationship with someone attracted to you. Pretending is powerful, scary stuff. Because if we forget why we pretend, or pretend too long, we can lose track of what is pretend, and what is real. I think this happens a lot with EUM’s.
Like usual, I guess I don’t have a clear answer. A lot depends on who you are asking about.
Take care.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Kwai Chang Cain couldn’t have said it better
I JUST ENDED THINGS WITH A GUY WHO HAD A LITTLE BIT OF ALL THESE TYPES NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. I GUESS I GOT AN ALL IN ONE DEAL! NO KIDDING AND YET I FAILED TO SEE THE RED FLAGS AND THOSE LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU THINK: ” WELL HE IS NOT PERFECT NEITHER I AM SO LET ME GIVE HIM A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME TO PROVE HIMSELF ” BUT I GUESS THE KEY POINT HERE IS THAT YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND YOUR GUT FEELING IS ALWAYS SENDING SOME MESSAGE IN YOUR HEART THAT YOU SHOULD GET OUT. THERE IS ALWAYS THAT UNCERTAINTY ABOUT THINGS WITH HIM IN GENERAL.
I AM SO GLAD I CAME TO THIS SITE AND FIND OUT THAT I AM NOT ALONE!!
BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST. SINCE MY BRAKE UP (A FEW DAYS AGO) I FEAR THE WORST. I FEAR HE MAY FIND SOMEONE PRETTIER, YOUNGER, BETTER LOOKING AND WITH WHOM HE ENDS UP COMMITING. I KNOW IS CRAZY AND THAT I SHOULDN’T THINK OF THAT BUT I CAN’T HELP IT. HAS ANYBODY FEARED THAT BEFORE? HOW TO HANDLE THESE THOUGHTS?. DONT GET ME WRONG, I HAVE A LIFE BUT THOSE THOUGHTS COME AT UNEXPECTED TIMES AND CAN’T SEEM TO GET RID OF THEM.!!
You all sound quite bitter…LET IT GO! We only do what we are allowed to do. Either set the tone from day one or end up bitter, alone, and perusing internet sites for answers! Happiness will not be found in another person.
EUM,
In a way, you have a point, we cannot look to another to make us happy.
But, as Hitler, President Obama and President Bush before him showed us, having some people around *can* make our lives more miserable.
Baggage Reclaim focuses specifically on women recovering from being around guys that were unsuitable as partners – emotionally unavailable, demeaning, manipulative, often abusive. Guys that isolate those around them from the rest of the world, demean those they are with to reassure themselves about their own insecurities. Guys with no clue what a healthy family life should be, or interest or intention of ever getting past the “get lucky” stage on any given date. So assuming that the guy is a bad guy, on this site, isn’t just an assumption – it is usually historical record. Occasionally someone arrive hurting, and discovers that their situation doesn’t apply to what is written here – they get help just by realizing they haven’t fallen into a dead-end trap.
“LET IT GO” sounds like a battle cry from Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. A perpetual dating kind of thing. And the truth is that often the women tangled up from an EUM are a bit unavailable themselves, or have never learned healthy ways of engaging emotions and sharing a life with another. Because most health people never connect with an EUM/perpetual dater. If your interest is a shared life, a home – then you won’t find someone acceptable that isn’t interested in a similar kind of sharing. So much of what is done here is to survive the escape from the cycle of dating EUM after EUM without finding “happiness”, and to learn a set of values and expectations that balances needs and dreams in a more functional way.
Change is measured in discomfort and pain. Much of the pain here is the pain of loss and disrespect and abuse. But those engaged in change are also confused, angry, unsure they are getting things “right” or at least better, and finding comfort in understanding what has happened to them. “Suck it up” just isn’t an option – instead, it is the denial that made a mistake into a tragedy of a lifetime for many people.
No, you can’t find someone to make you happy. But if you can find happiness within, and the right someone to share your life, you can build and sustain that happiness much better.
Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home
Brad,
I have to agree with EUM when he mentioned: “We only do what we are allowed to do” SO TRUE!!! IF I didnt allow my EUM treat me like cr@p, I wouldnt be in this position now:-( We should love and respect ourselves first!!! I remember very good post of NML about boundaries…
Sure, we allowed our mates to behave in a certain way. But I wasn´t aware I was dating a teenager untill the hurt was already done. I go into a relationship believing and trusting that if someone is all over you and says he loves you that he means it. I go into a relationship expecting someone to TELL me when he doesn´t feel it anymore and wants out. I didn´t know he just wasn´t going to show up and dissapear. And I didn´t expect someone after all this to start contacting me as if nothing happened and up to this day trying to get me to notice him or whatever he wants.
How can you prepare for something like that? I have never met this kind of behaviour before in my life.
He should have some decency and honourability without me as a mummy having to constantly uphold the boundaries. We are way in our thirties!
Sorry EUM, some guys are just no good. And if you want to behave like a looser if you are “allowed” to then by all means. But don´t be surprised if you end up alone.
What’s the difference between an emotionally unavailable man and an emotionally/mentally abusive man? I’m serious. I’ve been reading about both lately and the lines are blurring. Or am I way off course?
Well I just ended things with EMU and when I did it which was this past friday I felt a heavy burden being lifted off of me…Yes he called me and tried to talk but I let him go to vm bc frankly I was done talking and wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. He has been in my life off and on for 5 years and we started back up seeing each other this past Feb 09..
He was like most of the EMU descibed here attentive making me feel like he loved me missed me he even started to communicate to me like he never did before. Due to circumstances out of my control ( divine intervention) a situation happen that opened the door for more revelations to come about him..But last week I wanted to see him and he came with some excuses about his daughter and work and blah,blah,blah, but when he wants to see me I make it happen and I have kids and work and other stuff going on as well..
So I told him that night I want to feel like I matter the way I make you feel like you matter. I make you feel like you matter even if I a busy. I told him from this point on I will not be complaining about it again..Two days had gone by since not a word from him and I woke up with he’s done his time is over..I tried to call him and he did not answer so I waited to see would he call back and he did not in the amount of time that I wanted him to and so I text his ass and told him its over I deserve better and either you are not willing or capable and well either way does not work for me..I feel like I am settln and I am not going to do that to myself..He called a couple hours later after he left a message talking about he got my message and to call him later..
Yeah right It was not going to happen..However I did text him that next night to tell him that I got his message and that I did not have anything else to say thats why I did not call back and hope he understands take care of himself…He never responded back which is ok with me..
My heart still loves him but logically he is not the man for me and I mean that..He needs to stay in his group..So ladies its a process but you have to know in your soul that you deserve love and you have to want it and know this is not it..
I read this entire page and nodded my head as I too became involved with an emotionally unavailable man who fit all the criteria. He got me at a time in my life when I was feeling a little unfocused and drew me out of an engagement through his persistent and convincing romance/charm/fantasies…however I also feel to this day that we also had a soul connection, not that I think that this is something a man devoid of emotions could ever handle….in fact, something of that intensity is probably the worst type of relationship for them!
He lived in another state and so it was always going to be long distance. From the start it was all flowers and sunshine…regular contact, affection, talk of future so quickly…however several weeks down the track or so he displayed the common signs listed (I had to laugh reading this page many, many times!) He drew back in terms of contact, became very busy and just wouldn’t commit in advance to weekends when I could see him (funny how it says on here that they can’t commit to anything, even to making dates ha ha). This was despite the fact that we were really close and had been friends for the five years prior. (We had dated at the very start however, but I broke it off due to my intuition…he sucked me back in with our connection…I definitely had it right back then because I would always expect a lot out of men.) Then suddenly, of course, I was ‘needy’ and not the ‘independent’ girl he thought I once was…when all I was expecting was that I would be treated well and feel special. Those men are incapable of making you feel good about yourself! They mess with your mind and it is always a roller coaster. I was in tears most days, but also felt so good when I was with him. Strange, a lot of people have related that these men are looking for someone ‘independent’-yeah, so independent from them that you are barely with him. And yes, being with him I always had this strange feeling of being alone. He also had an ex six years ago who had cheated on him, which fits a pattern many people talk about on here. He made it seem like she had hurt him but I’d love to know what really went on…but I can probably guess…
Funny enough, I also had that feeling that he reminded me of my father, which I originally felt was an attraction and made things ‘feel right’…then remembered that my relationship with my father is challenging because of his unavailability. And yet I do not usually choose the emotionally available men…more the opposite, I have usually been with men who over-compensate for this. It is interesting in terms of self reflection to recognise the types of men we choose at different stages, I think this helps us to grow and establish better patterns…
Unavailable’s background had been six years of a crazy single life and hardly even much dating (swingers parties, group sex etc-a side to him I always disliked). He was also hugely into online dating (I knew this through our prior friendship), a fact mentioned on here too-that these men prefer this. However, I would never say that all men online are emotionally unavailable as I think that it is becoming more common for all types of people to jump online and give it a go. Eg. My ex of years who I met online was 100% normal! And definitely the opposite of unavailable-one of the most wonderful and caring people I have ever met, in fact!
Anyway, I digress, so it didn’t work out with Mr. Unavailable despite the soul connection because he had drawn back and, of course, was waaaay too busy. I know that he recognised our connection because when I forced him to look into my eyes he was shaking but he went with his mind rather than his heart (what else would somebody who is emotionally barren do but think not feel?!) Now he will not contact me at all (and I’m not going to keep initiating it), when we had spoken every night when we were friends…I think I made him feel a little and it scared him! It has taken me several weeks to reach this point which I feel is not too long because I am placing an emphasis in my life of letting go and moving on (generally), but this is how I now feel…that he came into my life and served both a learning purpose and led me away from an engagement/partner who was not truly right for me. AND, since it ended, I have also had more clarity in terms of my life and I am now heading overseas and everything in regards to that has just flowed so I know that it’s the right time for this experience.
So, in conclusion, I feel that these people come into our lives and serve a purpose of learning and that we should recognise their destructive influence early on and listen to our true selves as to how we really want to be treated. I had a soul connection with this man, however, in our lives I believe we have several when we are open to these connections. This year I have been particularly open to such connections and have already made two more (male and female) in a matter of weeks. (Because so many changes are happening in my life and it is a pivotal time…so intense! Generally it is so rare…) And, at the end of the day, sometimes being alone is a lot better. As long as we are treating ourselves well and being kind/appreciative towards ourselves, that is all that counts as we never need any men to complete us.
Wow, kitten girl
I share a very similar story and also shared a connection with a push / pull man that did not work out well and have realized there was a valuable lesson in the whole experience.
One thing I might add to your well written last line.
“As long as we are treating ourselves well and being kind/appreciative towards ourselves, that is all that counts as we never need any men to complete”
One more thing that is so important to me is that once you treat yourself well, be kind and appreciative towards yourself, you then have the capacity to ” take it to the streets” and achieve one of my big goals in life – which is to be a force for good in this world.
I believe you do that by being secure and loving of yourself and then you will naturally share that with all others you come in contact with. I am amazed and grateful whenever I encounter that kind, positive, loving attitude, especially in the briefest of encounters with strangers, it is a beautiful thing.
My experience with the AC/ EM was a valuable lesson because somehow, maybe because he was so needy and devoid of loving emotions, I gave so much of my goodness away to him that I forgot to pay attention to me. I stopped treating myself well, and then of course, I had nothing left to give.
In the future I realize I have to pay extra attention to take care of me when I encounter someone who I may feel a special connection with but who is also draining and unable to give in return. All give and no take depletes one’s emotional bank account and ultimately does no one any good.
Good luck on your changes.
I wanted to let everyone know that there are resources for help out there for those of us who can’t necessarily afford good therapy. I have been a believer in the book The Rules for several reasons. Firstly, they work as they have in my life when I wasn’t knowingly paying attention to them and they work when I am knowingly paying attention to them. Ladies, what Brad K was saying on May 31st IS said and shown in this book. It is not a book of games! It is a book that puts the emphasis on building your own life and loving yourself AS WELL AS helping women to avoid inappropriate men. There are subtle things here (I also communicate with others on a site specifically for advice in the dating area/rules and it has been such a SELF ESTEEM builder!!). I have begun to put more and more time into my business ideas/art work and I feel so much better now than I did. AND most importantly I have been able to see many red flags by initial/early behavior and have not gotten involved. Strangely, I am not lonely in the way I was before I began working on personal accomplishments. Ladies, please read this book! Holding off on sex is NOT enough. If they know it is just a matter of time you will still get hurt, sometimes even by the best of them. Whether you like it or not Men do run the show, yes, we can agree or not, but they have the power to never call us again, better to have all teh knowledge you can. I suspect my absent father and physically and emotionally unavailable mother have quite a legacy in my life but it doesn’t have to be that way and I am doing so much better, dating appropriate men even if it doesn’t work out. I hope this helps. Only good thoughts to everyone on this site!!
WOW!! I admit, I amsuch a woman trying to find what I didn’t have in my childhood. Coincidentally it hit me in my late 20’s when I moved away from my home town for the first time and went to get my phd in a nearby city. for the first time i found myself alone, not knowing anyone outside of school, (besides I have a strict rule not to date anyone at school/work)…so of course, such a man came my way. And not having knowledge of anyone out there nor do I go to bars, i found myself falling for him!! now, I’m at a place where I’ve never been… alone b/c he’s at the ‘curb’.. and not knowing how to create a new life with this knowledge about my habits!! don’t know people in the city nor do I have the desire to jump into a relationship without being friends first… everything is brand new and now I feel like I’m on high alert!
You just described my ex. To a tee. I love this web site. Also enjoyed the two part article on coping with feeling rejected by Mr. Unavailables.
I would add as well, that they fail to acknowledge your accomplishments and successes adequately.
I have been involved with five EUM to date and I’ve had enough!!! this very morning I finished with number five. He was a lovely, kind man but I just found him completely closed off emotionally. He said he wanted us to be together forever, get married, etc but my gut instinct said ‘words are cheap’ and he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. The whole time we were together I felt insecure, unloved and paranoid…..not happy at all. He says I have made a big mistake letting go of someone as nice as him but I have to think of my sanity and believe me I was starting to go nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I have a whole barrowload of my own issues to deal with (alcoholic mother, father who left) and we were just very bad for each other.
Ugh. After reading this I realized how serious my situation really is. I am in a Friend With Benefits situation with this guy. It has been going on for about a year and a half and everything about our friendships screams “relationship”. We talk all the time, we hang out multiple times a week, we talk about everything, trust each other completely, sleep together, have met each other’s families etc … but at the end of the day, he is definitely emotionally unavailable.
I’ve been asking myself for months why he won’t just call it what it is. Every one of my friends sees how we are together and doesn’t understand why we just don’t call it dating. He calls me, he wants me to come over, he wants to spend the night with me, he wants to talk to me about his issues, he wants all of that … and he’s usually good about giving the same things to me on my terms …
But reading this list I realize that far more often than not he is acting emotionally unavailable. In the beginning we didn’t date because he wasn’t over his ex. It seems he is now but he still uses that as an excuse. Often we do hang out on his terms, at his place, rather than on my terms and at my place. He hasn’t met too many of my friends nor I his. I’ll often ask how he is doing (via text) and he’ll respond but not ask the same question back.
He’s a fantastic person – I consider him my best friend, but I realized after reading this that I need to stop expecting that more is going to come from it. We might have something that from the outside looks like a relationship, but in reality it’s not.
He’s even told me that I’m going for an emotionally unavailable man. He knows he is one, yet he strings me along because I haven’t put a stop to it yet …
Dang. I need to get control of this situation and fast.
This is kind of bizarre, but ALL of my eums, on or around the first date have patted me on the head at some point.
Is that funny? I will always be on the lookout for this in the future. I think it shows a lack of respect for me as an adult person – and reflects that they see me as a kind of pet, plaything or child, and somehow want to keep a hold on me.
I recently went out on one date with a guy (whom I wasn’t very interested in but he showed a LOT of interest in me) who did this very thing (patted my head). I later found out from a mutual friend who seemed jealous of his interest in me, that not only was he not really broken up with his girlfriend (whom he would not marry nor have children with), but that he was sleeping with three other women – her included – whom he kept as friends and “cuddle buddies.” She thought it was just so cool of all of them. I was rather disgusted, and relieved that I’d found out sooner rather than later what kind of a person he is.
Just thought I’d throw that out there.
Grrrrr – why didn’t I find this site 6 months ago, just before the “hot pursuit” of Mr EU began?
Well, lol, never mind: I’ve found it now which is all that matters and, as I keep repeating at the end of every article I’m lapping up – Thank You!
Best Regards, Leonine
I would add “He says he’s not ready for a relationship with you [or anyone else for that matter] then two weeks later, he announces he has a new girlfriend.
Wow!
It’s so good to hear this. I don’t feel like a total idiot, or some kind of beg date. I was dating the king of emotional unavailability. My ex was a truck driver he lived just opposite me. He would chase me with so much passion, everytime i broke up with him he’d beg and beg and beg me to take him back. He’d say anything he could think of. Offer to cook for me, offer to take me out to dinner. But when we were in bed it was like he couldn’t get far enough away from me and this guys bed was fucking huuuuuge! Everytime i broke up with him he’d be fine until he’d see me with another man, or trying to move forward in my life. Then he’d make all these fake promises. The nastier i was to him the more he wanted me at first, but when i started to have real feelings of attachment.Want to meet his friends, family, he’d treat me like i was a dirty little secret. He never wanted me to meet his mum or anyone associated with him and certainly not his kids. I got more and more insecure around him, lashed out more and more, started questioning my looks, my personality, wondering what happened to my intelligence and self respect. I thought i really liked him, but now that i’m out of it i realise maybe not so much.I’d just gotten attached to him that’s all. The thing that gave me the most pleasure was i am a strong character i give just as good as i get. Sometimes i’d hear his voice after an argument with me, he’d sound completely miserable, exhausted, and at times hurt. One time he called me with tears in his voice asking me why i wasn’t picking up his calls, another time he rang my phone at least ten times consistently over and over again. Sometimes he’d just ring and ring and i’d be really rude and put the phone down on him over and over and over again. It gave me pleasure because he was getting his just deserts. My theory is if you know you don’t want someone, why waste their time. For sex? Sex is only a small part of the communication that should go on between two people in a relationship. I felt like when i wanted to talk seriously, he figured he could use sweet words and dance around the subject. And when i wanted to have very basic communication his answer was oh ‘i’m not really smart.’
I especially ‘respect’ the fact that he consistently made himself look like the victim when it came to the mother of his kids. After telling me she was wicked, bad,prostituting herself, when she got herself and his kids evicted from their house he defended her. He’d warned me before that women had called him many names like bastard, and had tried to hurt him, i had given him the benefit of the doubt. He’d even confessed to me that him and his ex had cheated on each other for a while.He told me he’d been in love before, he told me about the women he’d been in love with, he’d even proposed to someone before.
I used to think girls in relationships with unavailable men were total idiots. It’s not that at all. When your in it you literally cannot see the wood for the trees. They seem like genuinely nice guys and you think well that time it didn’t work for them, maybe this time it would. It’s like human beings especially women have been programmed to do the ‘good thing’ forgive, give someone the benefit of the doubt. The reality is though these guys know what they want from the start, they just don’t tell us that. It’s like women consistently going for a job, not realising the position was filled ages ago.I wonder if to an extent when men are younger they have all these different toys, then when their older women become their playground. I’ve learnt from this though. That when you create boundaries you should stick to them. And if you’ve not got any boundaries you should create them. People will literally do to you what you let them get away with. If i had stuck to my guns the first time he just upped and left me i would have saved so much time. The problem was i was devastated the first time he left because all i’d said was “let’s do this properly.” and he was gone. I’d been too proud to ask questions at the time, weeks later i’d contacted him and told him i was dating someone else and i’d appreciate it if we could both be cordial and adult if we bumped into each other. I did start dating someone new and that completely spawned something in him.When i’d broken up with the new person i was dating “another overgrown drama queen” he asked to spend time and do things properly. I think many times he was confused about his feelings for me, he didn’t have to say it i could feel it. When we argued i’d hear the sadness in his voice over my garden fence as he spoke to family, when i was gone….i’m usually someone that’s too proud to call, i could tell that he missed me. He’d confessed that it wasn’t the sex that kept him with me, i was described as stubborn, and difficult, but i knew why i was. I’m definitely keeping the hope alive for all the good men out there. Great men in fact. But the guy i was seeing just wasn’t meant for me, most women should know that we can do better.There’s men who do want what we want, they may not look exactly how we want them to look.
So the red flag is raised on a guy I was asking about the other day. It’s funny, the first date I had with him was strange but I put that down to him not being my ex-ass. Didn’t feel too sad that there would be a 5 week gap till the next one – but the other day I really didn’t feel great and I am not pursuing it.
He was talking about other women he hangs around with, saying that one gets very jealous when someone else pays her less attention that the other woman. He found her behaviour and distress/attention seeking funny. Hmmm.
My own feeling is that whilst in ex pat life we all need to stick together a little sometimes I was seeing some very dysfunctional life in action … put it that way. It was twenty times clearer than on the first date – not least of which he actually SAID to me that my body “wasn’t good enough, your mind is fascinating but …”. This is from someone who is no Adonis, put it that way. He also admitted that he was slightly afraid of me because he knew he could learn something from me (this man is very erudite, older than me and top executive level!) which in fairness there is a subject I probably can teach him about but even so … I know I am not skinny, it’s part of my life work and self love to get thinner and fitter for me and my health not for this guy … thanks again ladies!
Great site.
I so so wish had found you two and a half years ago? However it’s only been in the last week or so I have finally found the courage to say goodbye to the longest realtionship I’ve never had, and only today reading here have I realised my man was a EUM. I’ve sat for the last two and a half years beating myself up for everything that I could’ve done wrong, and what was so horrble about me that he couldn’t completely commit too (this is the emotional insecure situation these guys force you into feeling and thinking).
I think I finally understand that no matter what I do, say, act and all the patience in the world will not make him change his mind.
My breif situation is I have been dangling like a puppet with this guy, in the beginning I thought we were going places, but it’s turned into a series being on when he wants it, then he runs away for a while, when to me things feel like things are going good, and then after his disappearing act for a few weeks he’s back again, then when fronted with what’s going on? He tells me his scared??? Oh that old chestnut I fell for everytime, because I so wanted it to be true, and he was going to realise one day like they do in the movies that I am ‘the one’. What an idiot I was???
I finally broke last week and told him I couldn’t do it anymore, what ever was or wasn’t going on between us. It still hurts like hell that I have had to that, but for my own sanity I had to do it, as I want him with every part of my being, but he obviously is never going to feel the same.
To every girl on here, am sending you all big loves and completely empathise, loving and wanting a EUM is one of the most hurtful and loniest places to be, but we all deserve someone who is ready to return what we have to offer.
Wow! I found this website googling “emotionally unavailable men†while dealing with a EUM. There were little signs in the beginning of this ‘on and off’ relationship of a year that I had with him. I too met this person online. It seemed like he couldn’t get enough of talking on the phone, texting me etc…in the BEGINNING and BEFORE we were intimate… The first red flag for me is when he told me he loved me 2 weeks in. I was shocked because I had never had a man tell me those words ’so soon’. I thought to myself, how could he feel this way already?
He only made time to see me during the week, never on weekends, and always at my place (since he was still living at home) I know this because I called his home phone number, and his mother answered. He is 33 yrs old. His reason for still living at home was because he was trying to pay off his debt and save up money to buy his own place. I was never invited to his place. When I asked him why, he said you can come over anytime. Yeah, right. I live in the city and do not drive here, so getting to his place by public transportation would take me 2 hrs. We had “1″ date where he took me to a movie Wooo Hooo! And he spent one Friday night with me, never over-night on the weekends. He would stay over-night though every other time he came over to my place. What really ‘played with my mind’ is how he would hold me so close all night when he stayed over, talked about us taking a trip to Jamaica next February, talked about moving in together here soon (getting our own place not moving in with me), getting married in a year…everything that made me think he wanted a ‘future’ with me. He would tell me in each and every text how much he loved me. Never had I had a man who told me that he loved me so much.
We went back and forth for a year, me breaking up with him because he wouldn’t make time for me. I always felt I was at the bottom of his list, and told him so. He would say I needed to be more PATIENT. He was working and going to school to better ‘himself’. Sometimes I would think, well at least he’s working and trying to get ahead in life, maybe I should be more understanding and ease up on him. The times he couldn’t see me he used the excuse that he was exhausted from working or he was studying. He would then tell me, “You want a better future don’t you? You have to understand I am doing this for ‘the BOTH of us’. “I am embarrassed to say I loaned him (might as well say I gave him) $100 towards books for school when he was short. I know I will never get it back. Thank goodness that’s all I gave him money-wise!
He had me believing that I was wrong, that I should be more understanding and patient. But my patience has worn thin. I was lonelier in this relationship than being alone.. So I am in NC with him for 2 wks now. And as usual, he hasn’t contacted me. It makes me feel like he could careless. He disappeared on me once before for a whole month, so I am numb to this. The times during the year that we would get back together after breaking apart, I would be the one to start contact. This time I have had enough. And reading this article and comments confirmed it even more so. I deserve so much better!
I am starting therapy next week. This has been on ongoing pattern with me and relationships with men. I know part of it started with my father passing away when I was 5 yrs old, so I had no father figure growing up. I look around at my friends and co-workers who have been with their partners for years, and think why me? What’s wrong with me?? I want this pain to end, I want to heal from this.
Thank you for listening to my story.
I also want to mention that for the most part our relationship contact dwindled to ‘texting’, very few phone calls. I can see now how lazy of a person he is when it comes to relationships.
Yesterday, I told my Aquarius boyfriend to leave. It felt so dam good and honestly I think I should have done it a long time ago. This past weekend my car was given me problems, so he took it to go get fixed. He called me around 5:00p.m. and told me a little things that was going wrong with it and he said he would call me back. I didn’t here from him till Sunday morning around 10:00a.m. The sad thing about it was that I had to call him. He doesn’t have a cell phone(it’s broke) and he said that he was over his mother house. I did call and his brother and he said that he wasn’t there the first time I called. Then I called again and he said “my bad girl I was knocked out that boy is out there working on that car” I didn’t believe that one bit. I really think that the car was fixed on Saturday. He didn’t even have the nerves to call me to say that he was going to spend the night over his mother’s house. I have been so good to him. I have three kids of my own and I even took care of his two kids not to keep him, but because their mother is on drugs and have no part of their lives. I cook, clean, take care of the family and have been faithful to this man. He’s all over me one day and the next day he isn’t. I told him to leave while I was at work. When I got home he was gone….he left his DVD player and some clothes in the washer. I don’t know if he just forgot it or did it on purpose. I truly love this man and I wish that we could work it out, but he has got to get it together. I don’t ask for much so how could he do me this way. He left me a letter telling me that he will always love me and my kids with all his heart(I wonder did he mean it) Do you think he will call? Do you think he’s hurting? Do you think he miss me? Help me please someone…..
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