Leonine

He has a long distance relationship

^^ Check, a long distance open relationship in fact.. I call my girlfriend most days, send her letters between couple of times a month.. She loves to travel, I’m stuck in the country for legal reasons..

He’s a mother hater – has an overtly negative relationship with his mother

^^ I love my mother, but have some deep seated aggression/uneasiness/ and some surface level untrustingness/indifference toward her, which I’ve not quite explored in totality, which I’m in the process of now actually.. So more of a covert negative relationship.. We do love each other and talk a whole heap via email, letters etc.. And just recently saw each other for the first time in ten years

He determines the momentum of the relationship – you meet up when he wants to meet up

^^ I used to very much like this, am more inclined to compromise, for lack of a better word, or meet up when she wants, my time IS precious however and I spend a fair chunk of time working on projects, training, music etc..

He pushes for an ‘open’ relationship

^^ I REQUIRE and INSIST upon an open relationship.. the openness referring first and foremostly to the openness and honesty of communication channels within the relationship..

He may try and sleep with you on the first night

^^ Do or do not, there is no try.. Usually I will sleep with a woman on the first night, however I can’t be bothered with one night stands.. And I only will go to bed with women whom I admire and who embody those qualities that I look for in a friend, ideally life long..

He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously

^^ I don’t really ‘date’ per se, but I do openly share the fact that I WILL be sleeping with other women whilst I’m not sleeping with given woman to women.. To both avoid any confusion and/or resulting pain which may ensue if I’d not communicated this fact, and to be up front and honest in my doings..

He’s one big walking excuse.

^^ I make absolutely no excuses for my lifestyle, choices, conduct, values, way of being etc.. And am totally responsible for all of the above..

You feel empty after you sleep with him.

^^ Most, if not ALL of my lovers report the exact opposite.. They feel full, vibrant, glowing, healed, overwhelming love and joy, light, happy etc..

He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called ‘emotion’

^^ Sex for me is more of an intimacy building practice, a balancing and refining of the vital forces, a connexion deepener, a fun, enjoyable somewhat spiritual thing to share with people I love, respect and enjoy..

So as you can see, I almost fit into your idea of EUM, however a lot of my female friends & lovers mightn’t agree fully with that title – I’ll have to chat with a few of them to find out some more perspectives – because a lot of the time I AM there when they need someone to listen to them, I DO understand where they’re coming from (pardon the pun) and am COMPASSIONATE towards them..

Being in a relationship, THEY KNOW that I’m not going to be fully available to them on the deeper levels.. They enjoy me nonetheless because I AM able to relate to them and I feel this is a direct result of the freedom I’ve in my relationship, in that I’m not restricted by any fears n so forth that my beloved will leave me etc because I’m sharing time and intimacy with others..

Your thoughts??

Girls, if its good then take it slowly. An if its only sex and no conversation then you know u have a problem.

I was blown away when I read that description in your post. That is what I went through. The x-EUM would give me a little affection and tenderness and then just as swiftly retract it.

We have been apart for 6 months (he dumped me via instant messenger) and during that period he contacted me a few times and acted like nothing had happened. He also denied dumping me. As he never dumped me, there was nothing to apologise about. He said I was crazy, obsessive and that I over reacted. This post by am helps me to understand the why.

What I find myself wondering is if he ever loved me. Although I don’t talk about him anymore or interact with him, I still think of him a lot. I wish that he could love me as I loved him, but I know that this is futile. So I’m trying to get over the relationship that never was. Are these guys capable of love?

Liberty Belle (formerly “Cynnie”)

The CoDA literature committee is working on a new piece of CoDA literature that addresses this topic, which is just beginning to be addressed in the therapeutic community and in recovery circles.

From the Counter-Dependent’s Point of View

I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.

Here�s how I�ll go about it.

I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. �Why didn�t you tell me that? I will say.� Or �I didn�t think you�d be interested� or �I forgot.� I will pretend to be interested, but internally, I scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don�t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness– how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.

I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing on the computer or working outside, anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will go to bed early or stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she isn’t getting enough or needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wait until she makes a move, keep her deprived and then, when I decide its time, begin touching her, knowing she�ll respond because I�ve minimized affection and she�s craving any intimacy I�ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me. I will avoid calling her during the day or keep my pager or cell phone off or on silent mode, to avoid talking with her. When I do think of reaching out, I quickly find a reason not to.

To keep her within arm�s reach, I will occasionally throw out a �we should do X.� I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won�t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first… I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering asking her if she wants to go with me). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I�ll be home, so if she doesn�t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together doing something she enjoys (unless it is something I want to do or convenient for me) or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating sex or dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun or intimate time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I can�t always be the one initiating.

If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can�t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bipch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can�t communicate with each other or I will simply refuse to engage in a meaningful way, and say that counseling just doesn’t work for us.

Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide — without asking her first — to take her out to dinner so that she can�t say to her friends or my family He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her. I also do things for her that I have procrastinated on, and then complain when she is unhappy that I waited so long to do them and accuse her of ingratitude.

I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable demands, criticism and insecurities.

When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention and criticize her for over-reacting. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don�t need the hassle.

Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.