Comments on: Is he emotionally unavailable? How To Spot Emotionally Unavailable Men http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Elle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281348 Elle Sun, 15 Aug 2010 18:06:48 +0000 #comment-281348 "He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don’t care about him so much, you don’t even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don’t care because he isn’t what you want…that’s when he’ll sit up and listen – if you can be bothered." Spot on. “He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don’t care about him so much, you don’t even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don’t care because he isn’t what you want…that’s when he’ll sit up and listen – if you can be bothered.”

Spot on.

]]> By: claire http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281347 claire Sun, 15 Aug 2010 18:03:37 +0000 #comment-281347 One thing I have noticed which is related to the "pointing out the good deeds" and the "love of the chase" is that these guys tend to be really big approval seekers. Maybe they didn't get much love and approval from a parent or an early partner who cheated, but it seems that they do not care about the people that think highly of them, they switch off to you when you reciprocate feelings and start to care deeply about them....they only switch on and chase the approval of those who don't care about them and don't think so much of them. Pointing out good deeds makes them is approval seeking behaviour. My guy wrote to me once about some downtown feed the homeless thing he did on a saturday at 8am, i thought "what a great guy" and it sounded like it was something he does every so often. When i was with him some weeks later at an event for HIS company, his PA made a joke in front of me about how it was a miracle that finally this year he had decided to do a charity event in feeding the homeless - his company does loads of this stuff but it seems that he the boss never gets involved. This one time he did and felt the need to point it out to me and make out it like it was a regular thing. The lightbulb went off in my head when his PA said this, but it's only now reading your comments that I really think about it and laugh. They approval seek from those who don't care about them. Why I now think that you shouldn't get in touch and write a letter Fearless is because it is too caring of you and he just wont respond except in resentment towards you or he'll think "she couldn't get what she wanted so she hates me". He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don't care about him so much, you don't even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don't care because he isn't what you want...that's when he'll sit up and listen - if you can be bothered. One thing I have noticed which is related to the “pointing out the good deeds” and the “love of the chase” is that these guys tend to be really big approval seekers. Maybe they didn’t get much love and approval from a parent or an early partner who cheated, but it seems that they do not care about the people that think highly of them, they switch off to you when you reciprocate feelings and start to care deeply about them….they only switch on and chase the approval of those who don’t care about them and don’t think so much of them. Pointing out good deeds makes them is approval seeking behaviour. My guy wrote to me once about some downtown feed the homeless thing he did on a saturday at 8am, i thought “what a great guy” and it sounded like it was something he does every so often. When i was with him some weeks later at an event for HIS company, his PA made a joke in front of me about how it was a miracle that finally this year he had decided to do a charity event in feeding the homeless – his company does loads of this stuff but it seems that he the boss never gets involved. This one time he did and felt the need to point it out to me and make out it like it was a regular thing. The lightbulb went off in my head when his PA said this, but it’s only now reading your comments that I really think about it and laugh. They approval seek from those who don’t care about them. Why I now think that you shouldn’t get in touch and write a letter Fearless is because it is too caring of you and he just wont respond except in resentment towards you or he’ll think “she couldn’t get what she wanted so she hates me”. He will only respond to anything you point out like this when he can tell that you really don’t care about him so much, you don’t even hate him or have anger towards him, you just don’t care because he isn’t what you want…that’s when he’ll sit up and listen – if you can be bothered.

]]> By: Elle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281340 Elle Sun, 15 Aug 2010 17:50:13 +0000 #comment-281340 Ha! The letters on the fridge! That's priceless. My ex-AC went on a helping others mission after dropping me (and certainly not helping me with some joint responsibilities he left behind). They're riddled with inconsistencies stemming from their monstrous egos. Anyway, I don't think helping them is worth it. Don't get me wrong, I often fantasize about this conversation where we both bring all our intimacy stuff to the table and both walk away feeling more whole and more evolved for the experience. But, the truth is, often these guys don't actually want to change. They like the feeling of being disjointed, and are addicted to the unhappy, woeful ending. They don't want to be caught or saved because they don't really want to be known. Maybe they will change, eventually, but you or I won't be able to enjoy that. The newly converted often kick those who knew them pre-conversion! Ha! The letters on the fridge! That’s priceless. My ex-AC went on a helping others mission after dropping me (and certainly not helping me with some joint responsibilities he left behind). They’re riddled with inconsistencies stemming from their monstrous egos. Anyway, I don’t think helping them is worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I often fantasize about this conversation where we both bring all our intimacy stuff to the table and both walk away feeling more whole and more evolved for the experience. But, the truth is, often these guys don’t actually want to change. They like the feeling of being disjointed, and are addicted to the unhappy, woeful ending. They don’t want to be caught or saved because they don’t really want to be known. Maybe they will change, eventually, but you or I won’t be able to enjoy that. The newly converted often kick those who knew them pre-conversion!

]]> By: Nicole http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281330 Nicole Sun, 15 Aug 2010 17:10:40 +0000 #comment-281330 Fearless, It's interesting, isn't it, how they make sure we KNOW how much better they are than other men! Like not cheating or beating means they can't make women miserable in other ways. It's also interesting how you know which charities he is involved in. My ex-AC made sure I knew from the beginning about his good deeds. He even had a couple of thank you notes on his fridge, and he pointed them out and then read them out loud. Did your guy make sure you knew about his? When someone brags about their own goodness, even if what they say is true, I have to wonder why they feel the need to point it out. Is it because their everyday behavior and character are not really as great as they like to sound? Fearless,

It’s interesting, isn’t it, how they make sure we KNOW how much better they are than other men! Like not cheating or beating means they can’t make women miserable in other ways.

It’s also interesting how you know which charities he is involved in. My ex-AC made sure I knew from the beginning about his good deeds. He even had a couple of thank you notes on his fridge, and he pointed them out and then read them out loud.
Did your guy make sure you knew about his?

When someone brags about their own goodness, even if what they say is true, I have to wonder why they feel the need to point it out. Is it because their everyday behavior and character are not really as great as they like to sound?

]]> By: Fearless http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281322 Fearless Sun, 15 Aug 2010 16:43:33 +0000 #comment-281322 Thanks, Estelle and Allison. I know in my guts you are right. I just need to convince my head! I won't try to 'enlighten' him... he's a smart guy - he can enlighten himself, if he cares to. He, and the rest of them, I assume, don't really think they have a problem; "it's just the way I am", sort of thing - they certainly don't ever take responsibility for their own behaviour. They think they are 'different' from other men who behave badly in relationships. He once told me is not "that kind of man" - that he knows lots of men who cheat on their wives all the time and think nothing of it, but that he has a conscience! I felt like saying to him: 'so all these other men are rats but you, on the other hand, are a rat with a conscience!'. I didn't say that of course (though I should have) because I kew he would be furious about the word "rat" and sorm off having been so badly insulted! Instead I just said that 'wether you think you are like tese men or not, it has turned into a 'way of life for you'. He looked surprised at that comment as if it was contrary to his own view of himself. Strangely, he sees himself as a great supporter of human rights and humanity in general; he contributes regular amounts to certain charities; is a memebr of Amnesty International and such the like... strange that he connects with human suffering but not with the misery he himself causes to real individual human beings. Anyway, I do bang on.... thanks for your comments. xx Thanks, Estelle and Allison. I know in my guts you are right. I just need to convince my head! I won’t try to ‘enlighten’ him… he’s a smart guy – he can enlighten himself, if he cares to. He, and the rest of them, I assume, don’t really think they have a problem; “it’s just the way I am”, sort of thing – they certainly don’t ever take responsibility for their own behaviour. They think they are ‘different’ from other men who behave badly in relationships. He once told me is not “that kind of man” – that he knows lots of men who cheat on their wives all the time and think nothing of it, but that he has a conscience! I felt like saying to him: ‘so all these other men are rats but you, on the other hand, are a rat with a conscience!’.

I didn’t say that of course (though I should have) because I kew he would be furious about the word “rat” and sorm off having been so badly insulted! Instead I just said that ‘wether you think you are like tese men or not, it has turned into a ‘way of life for you’. He looked surprised at that comment as if it was contrary to his own view of himself.

Strangely, he sees himself as a great supporter of human rights and humanity in general; he contributes regular amounts to certain charities; is a memebr of Amnesty International and such the like… strange that he connects with human suffering but not with the misery he himself causes to real individual human beings.

Anyway, I do bang on…. thanks for your comments.
xx

]]> By: Allison http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281165 Allison Sun, 15 Aug 2010 02:02:23 +0000 #comment-281165 I agree with Astelle. When he is truly fed up, he may address his own behavior. You cannot "enlighten" him, he will not accept it. Work on you, that should be your only focus. I agree with Astelle.

When he is truly fed up, he may address his own behavior. You cannot “enlighten” him, he will not accept it.

Work on you, that should be your only focus.

]]> By: Astelle http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281138 Astelle Sun, 15 Aug 2010 00:18:57 +0000 #comment-281138 Fairless, you can't "save" any future victims, you can't help him either, all you can do is fix and help yourself. You are not responsible for his behavior, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it. You can't enlighten him either, especially if he is EUM, you are just another woman. If he wanted to something about it, he would, but he isn't. Like smoking or losing weight, you can talk until you are blue in the face, unless he really wants it you are waisting your time. Look out for yourself, you are the most important person in your life. Fairless, you can’t “save” any future victims, you can’t help him either, all you can do is fix and help yourself. You are not responsible for his behavior, you didn’t cause it and you can’t fix it. You can’t enlighten him either, especially if he is EUM, you are just another woman. If he wanted to something about it, he would, but he isn’t. Like smoking or losing weight, you can talk until you are blue in the face, unless he really wants it you are waisting your time. Look out for yourself, you are the most important person in your life.

]]> By: Fearless http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-281131 Fearless Sat, 14 Aug 2010 23:42:16 +0000 #comment-281131 Claire, I have thought the same about my EUM that I have stopped seeing now for two weeks: should I send him some reading material? Your EUM seems to have told you that he is already fully aware of his "issues". It sounds like he is consciously aware and has even ut the right name to them himself. I am not sure if my EUM is consciously aware - he has said things that indicate he knows he is "bad with relationships" / "doesn't connect with people easily" / feels he is in a "loveless tomb" and such the like... but I don't think he truly understands the force of his problem and its effect on the women he involve himself with. So, I too, am wondering if I should try to "enlighten" him - perhaps at least let him see in black and white how his behaviour affects his life and the damgae it causes to women like me... I don't believe tat I can "fix" him. I can only sort myself out, but I wonder if I can at least open his mind to the possibilities of hos own "redemption" if not for his own sake, for the sake of other women he is/will get involved with - I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy! - and I feel if I just walk and say nothing, do nothing, that I am not doing other potential 2ictims" any favours. Anyone care to comment? Claire,
I have thought the same about my EUM that I have stopped seeing now for two weeks: should I send him some reading material? Your EUM seems to have told you that he is already fully aware of his “issues”. It sounds like he is consciously aware and has even ut the right name to them himself. I am not sure if my EUM is consciously aware – he has said things that indicate he knows he is “bad with relationships” / “doesn’t connect with people easily” / feels he is in a “loveless tomb” and such the like… but I don’t think he truly understands the force of his problem and its effect on the women he involve himself with. So, I too, am wondering if I should try to “enlighten” him – perhaps at least let him see in black and white how his behaviour affects his life and the damgae it causes to women like me… I don’t believe tat I can “fix” him. I can only sort myself out, but I wonder if I can at least open his mind to the possibilities of hos own “redemption” if not for his own sake, for the sake of other women he is/will get involved with – I wouldn’t wish him on my worst enemy! – and I feel if I just walk and say nothing, do nothing, that I am not doing other potential 2ictims” any favours.

Anyone care to comment?

]]> By: claire http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-280150 claire Wed, 11 Aug 2010 21:35:55 +0000 #comment-280150 Yes Kay, Eve you are right, he is aware of his issues already and there's really no point in me going into further detail with him, he might only end up resenting me as he is clearly already aware. He even told me when we broke up that he feels EU and cared about me and didn't want to do to me what he has done to other women in the past. We have messaged just once since -he said some caring things and that he is finding it hard to make this transition from being with me (i replied saying things happen for a reason and that i think it's for the best as we both have things we need to work on within ourselves). I guess he will have to make his own decision whether to get some real help, it's just that I know how hard he is trying and he really tried to make things work with me but just felt all "closed up inside". He seems to think that he just needs more (i quote him) "time to restore my head back to normality" since this last girl broke his heart, but i just wish he would realize that 1. They did not have a healthy relationship that lasted any length of time, he was just obsessed with her because she was EU to him and never wanted commitment from him and 2. that time alone will not be enough to make this big change, this problem has been going with him for many, many years. Unfortunately, he also has that EUM trait of being a coward so I can't imagine him taking the plunge to go get therapy. It's sad and hard to let go of the only person I have ever loved with all my heart especially when i know they were trying to hard to get there and it felt like they were almost there....but its 4 weeks today and walk on I shall. Yes Kay, Eve you are right, he is aware of his issues already and there’s really no point in me going into further detail with him, he might only end up resenting me as he is clearly already aware. He even told me when we broke up that he feels EU and cared about me and didn’t want to do to me what he has done to other women in the past. We have messaged just once since -he said some caring things and that he is finding it hard to make this transition from being with me (i replied saying things happen for a reason and that i think it’s for the best as we both have things we need to work on within ourselves). I guess he will have to make his own decision whether to get some real help, it’s just that I know how hard he is trying and he really tried to make things work with me but just felt all “closed up inside”. He seems to think that he just needs more (i quote him) “time to restore my head back to normality” since this last girl broke his heart, but i just wish he would realize that 1. They did not have a healthy relationship that lasted any length of time, he was just obsessed with her because she was EU to him and never wanted commitment from him and 2. that time alone will not be enough to make this big change, this problem has been going with him for many, many years. Unfortunately, he also has that EUM trait of being a coward so I can’t imagine him taking the plunge to go get therapy. It’s sad and hard to let go of the only person I have ever loved with all my heart especially when i know they were trying to hard to get there and it felt like they were almost there….but its 4 weeks today and walk on I shall.

]]> By: Eve http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-279596 Eve Tue, 10 Aug 2010 12:27:08 +0000 #comment-279596 Why would it be unbelievable for him to forget your birthday? He may be too self involved to notice, not care, genuinely have forgotten, be punishing you and so on. Put the focus back on you. Why you chose to put up with dodgy behaviour. Stay strong. One tip on writing a letter that they may or may not read. Know your man. Know if you accuse him or appear aggressive whether he will just switch off and ignore or and care even less. Would you want to listen or read a message from someone listing your faults or trying to make you feel guilty. ;-) Why would it be unbelievable for him to forget your birthday? He may be too self involved to notice, not care, genuinely have forgotten, be punishing you and so on.

Put the focus back on you. Why you chose to put up with dodgy behaviour.

Stay strong.

One tip on writing a letter that they may or may not read. Know your man. Know if you accuse him or appear aggressive whether he will just switch off and ignore or and care even less. Would you want to listen or read a message from someone listing your faults or trying to make you feel guilty. ;-)

]]> By: Kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-279542 Kay Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:15:48 +0000 #comment-279542 I totally agree with Natalie when it comes to changing a EUM...A hardcore EUM does not deviate from his patterns for nothing, he can't even be tricked into it. I doubt that Gloria's guy was a hardcore EUM, he may just be out typical I want to have fun don't have a real reason to get serious about anyone kind of guy, met a woman such as Gloria that behaved in attractive ways that didn't scare him into running for the hills IMO most women know a EUM from a regular guy that is hesitant to settle down, there is a distinct difference with those 2 types of men. If he's really an EUM then Gloria will at some point see those behaviors and fears resurface again but if he's not a classic EUM and just a guy afraid to commit to the wrong woman then she most likely will not have to deal with any of the in and out behaviors that involve these kind of men amongst a whole ton of other bad behaviors well they should lead a fairly healthy pattern as they move forward... Congrats and Enjoy! I totally agree with Natalie when it comes to changing a EUM…A hardcore EUM does not deviate from his patterns for nothing, he can’t even be tricked into it. I doubt that Gloria’s guy was a hardcore EUM, he may just be out typical I want to have fun don’t have a real reason to get serious about anyone kind of guy, met a woman such as Gloria that behaved in attractive ways that didn’t scare him into running for the hills IMO most women know a EUM from a regular guy that is hesitant to settle down, there is a distinct difference with those 2 types of men.

If he’s really an EUM then Gloria will at some point see those behaviors and fears resurface again but if he’s not a classic EUM and just a guy afraid to commit to the wrong woman then she most likely will not have to deal with any of the in and out behaviors that involve these kind of men amongst a whole ton of other bad behaviors well they should lead a fairly healthy pattern as they move forward…

Congrats and Enjoy!

]]> By: Kay http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-279538 Kay Tue, 10 Aug 2010 09:01:13 +0000 #comment-279538 Claire no disrespect but walk on..You have been in no contact for 3 weeks and your most likely feeling the withdrawals of having no contact especially having such a beautiful occasion as your birthday pass and no contact made by him (I'm sure that hurts) but the reality is your not responsible for him, he is fully aware of his issues with commitment and yet if he's not sought out help then he really doesn't want to get married or have kids as he's led you to believe or he would have done something to help him get over his fears and done it on his own and if he hasn't sought help then he doesn't desire help....It has to be his decision to get help or it won't work. 41 years of bad relationship patterns can't be fixed b/c you want them to. My suggestion is to stay in no contact, don't take him back until he has proven he's sought some longterm help. I could be wrong but it seems you feel if you get him help he will suddenly be healed, healed enough to see how great you are and give you the relationship you want (your fantasy relationship) and it just doesn't work like that, believe me when I say that his issues are much bigger you and he will be in therapy for another 40 years trying to sort out his baggage. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on, life is too short, if you truly want to get married and have babies then find a man that matches your value system, someone who cares about you just as much as you care about him and is capable of DOING a real relationship that isn't frought with fears. This man is not the man that can give that to you not now probably not ever. Claire no disrespect but walk on..You have been in no contact for 3 weeks and your most likely feeling the withdrawals of having no contact especially having such a beautiful occasion as your birthday pass and no contact made by him (I’m sure that hurts) but the reality is your not responsible for him, he is fully aware of his issues with commitment and yet if he’s not sought out help then he really doesn’t want to get married or have kids as he’s led you to believe or he would have done something to help him get over his fears and done it on his own and if he hasn’t sought help then he doesn’t desire help….It has to be his decision to get help or it won’t work. 41 years of bad relationship patterns can’t be fixed b/c you want them to.

My suggestion is to stay in no contact, don’t take him back until he has proven he’s sought some longterm help.

I could be wrong but it seems you feel if you get him help he will suddenly be healed, healed enough to see how great you are and give you the relationship you want (your fantasy relationship) and it just doesn’t work like that, believe me when I say that his issues are much bigger you and he will be in therapy for another 40 years trying to sort out his baggage.

The best thing you can do for yourself is move on, life is too short, if you truly want to get married and have babies then find a man that matches your value system, someone who cares about you just as much as you care about him and is capable of DOING a real relationship that isn’t frought with fears. This man is not the man that can give that to you not now probably not ever.

]]> By: claire http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-278116 claire Fri, 06 Aug 2010 03:36:14 +0000 #comment-278116 I have a question for all of you girls. I've done well and have had NC for 3 weeks since we broke up, but "unbelievably" he forgot my birthday..and really it was so soon after our breakup that I really thought he would remember! Anyway, I either walk on and don't look back or.......without any intention of getting back with him (and I will make that very clear in the letter) I would like to help this guy by writing him a letter that directly addresses him obvious signs of an emotionally unavailable man. He is 41 and really wants to get married and have children but he can't figure out what's going wrong inside of him. Now that I am detached from the relationship I can look back at his whole 41 yrs of relationship history and see the painfully obvious patterns and signs that stem from either the detached relationship with his parents or from the cheating of his ex-wife. I'd like as a friend to try to help him become more aware of and to address these issues and perhaps i might even direct him to this website and other articles that relate so obviously to what is going on with him. So my question is: did you girls just decide to walk in the end or did any of you try to point out what was going on and help your guy and do you think it's a good idea? I have a question for all of you girls. I’ve done well and have had NC for 3 weeks since we broke up, but “unbelievably” he forgot my birthday..and really it was so soon after our breakup that I really thought he would remember!
Anyway, I either walk on and don’t look back or…….without any intention of getting back with him (and I will make that very clear in the letter) I would like to help this guy by writing him a letter that directly addresses him obvious signs of an emotionally unavailable man. He is 41 and really wants to get married and have children but he can’t figure out what’s going wrong inside of him. Now that I am detached from the relationship I can look back at his whole 41 yrs of relationship history and see the painfully obvious patterns and signs that stem from either the detached relationship with his parents or from the cheating of his ex-wife. I’d like as a friend to try to help him become more aware of and to address these issues and perhaps i might even direct him to this website and other articles that relate so obviously to what is going on with him.

So my question is: did you girls just decide to walk in the end or did any of you try to point out what was going on and help your guy and do you think it’s a good idea?

]]> By: Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn’t Need To Cheat (or Beat) To Be An Assclown | Baggage Reclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-277319 Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn’t Need To Cheat (or Beat) To Be An Assclown | Baggage Reclaim Wed, 04 Aug 2010 21:45:22 +0000 #comment-277319 [...] Also check out how to spot emotionally unavailable men [...] [...] Also check out how to spot emotionally unavailable men [...]

]]> By: Am I Involved With an Assclown?: How To Spot Someone Who Means You & the Relationship No Good | Baggage Reclaim http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/comment-page-8/#comment-276606 Am I Involved With an Assclown?: How To Spot Someone Who Means You & the Relationship No Good | Baggage Reclaim Mon, 02 Aug 2010 21:43:58 +0000 #comment-276606 [...] Look out for more follow up posts on spotting dubious behaviours from assclowns. Also check out my post on how to spot emotionally unavailable men [...] [...] Look out for more follow up posts on spotting dubious behaviours from assclowns. Also check out my post on how to spot emotionally unavailable men [...]

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