I Want Some Answers!
November 7, 2006 by NYM
This week I’m interrupting my self-absorbed probe into my own commitment-phobic mind because I need someone to tell me why. Why do we not feel the need to hold people responsible for their bad behavior on the internet?
Last week there was an incident in the blogosphere, and I’m having a tough time digesting some of the reactions to it.
In essence, a guy who is a classic example of a predator was outed in the blogworld. Since 2004 this haircut with a receding hairline has been preying on women in the blogosphere. He contacts women who comment on his site and/or who have their own blogs and flirts with them. Through his witty banter, he establishes a rapport with them, hooks them in, and then starts to get romantic. He will then proceed to play the pushey pulley game with them until either they get fed up with him and/or until he feels they have started to figure out he’s a pathological liar. At any given time he’s playing th game with multiple women, always telling them that they’re the only one he’s talking to, and convincing them that he really has feeling for them.
The thing about this non-person is that he operates as a divorce with a passive-aggressive ex-wife and two step-children, and his M.O. is the PPMW (poor pathetic me whine). He’s self-deprecating and self-abusive and tries to hook women by trying to make them feel sorry for him.
It turns out that this predator is actually not divorced and has been married for the last 13 years. But that’s not the sickest part. The sickest part is that he actually created fake bloggers and fake blogs and commented on his own blog as these fake people. I can only guess what his motives are, but no matter WHY he did these crazy things, the fact remains that he purposely and knowingly LIED to many women and purposely and knowingly TREATED THEM WITH DISRESPECT and hurt their feelings.
The truth is, it’s not about THIS predator. There are probably thousands and thousands of predators on the internet. This creep is one of many, many jerks out there playing the same game. So, what am I having a problem with?
It’s the attitude and reactions that people are having. There have been more than a few people who have blogged about this particular situation, and many of the people who have outed this person have decried the fact that he was doing this while married or have just decried the fact that when he got caught, he refused to fess up and continued his charade. But they don’t seem to have an issue with his general game.
People seem to feel that if someone lies or misrepresents his or herself on-line, that it’s OK. Maybe even expected. And unless individual people find themselves to be a victim of a scam, they have no pity for anyone else who falls victim to an internet scam. I’m certain that men are not the only offenders in this area, but I would be willing to wager my life’s savings that the majority of the perpetrators are men and that it is women who fall victim most often.
The fact is that this man (read “and people like him”) LIED and DECEIVED people and HURT them, but everyone seems to want to dismiss all of that. Does it really make any difference that this happened on-line? I wonder what people would think if a situation like this happened, but with a man who everyone had met in person. Would the fact that he’s a callous, lying creep then also be included in the outrage equation? Are pedophiles who hook 12 year olds on-line less horrible than those who do it in person. Should 12 year old girls and boys EXPECT to be hoodwinked by pedophiles if they’re chatting on-line?
The Internet has become one the world’s largest tools of communication and it will continue to be more and more of an integral part of our lives. Are we going to go accepting any kind of behavior on-line? Are we going to continue to scoff at and blame victims unless something happens to us personally?
Also, the other thing that baffles me is that there are people who have known that this creep treats women like this and they continue to feed into his sick behavior, some people even standing up for him! What the hell kind of world do we have? I guess people like this must have the same mentality as women (or men) who date inmates.
So, what I’d like to know is WHY should we not hold people accountable for their despicable actions on the internet? For misrepresenting themselves??? Seriously?? And, what is it with some women who always feel the need to defend men no matter what they do?
Help me to understand this lunacy…
New York Moment’s column appears every week on Baggage Reclaim and you can also catch up with her on her blog.
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For one thing, he is lying about sex. If you look around the male world view, lying about sex is expected, expected by other men, expected by women. Men expect women to either lie or be incomprehensible about sex.
So this guy sees his extramarital shenanigans as ‘harmless’. Perhaps he uses his experiences to write letters to Penthouse Forum.
Ask yourself this: If the same scenario played out the same way in a college dorm (the married guy living ‘off campus’), or under a cloud of alcohol in a bar, would you be that surprised at the guy, what he pulled, or the lack of concern about holding him responsible?
There is a web site out there for networking. People rate individuals they have met, for being real, for being honest. So theoretically you could check a prospective date, to see whether anyone (outside a federal prison) has ever met the guy, and that he used that same name. I don’t think it really caught on .. people weren’t that enthused about making it work, or concerned about phantoms and predators.
Keep in mind that MILF (Mothers I’d Like to .. ‘Frolic around with’) and rolling bordellos where guys talk mostly women into explicit actions are currently one of the most popular niches of pornography. How do you call Bozo to task, when ‘everyone’ is doing it (and making big bucks, some of them)?
Bottom line is I think you are right, that fraud is fraud, injuries need to be redressed, and wrongs righted. Everyone that fails to pursue predators and fakes does themself an injury. They make ethical, compassionate behavior a tougher goal to achieve for themselves. They also fail the general social need to protect others from known harm.
What a well written and fantastic post NYM. Thank you.
The problem lies in the lack of published proof. The reason that said proof is not published is because doing so would give away his & his wife’s name, address, & phone number. Other proof comes from a real life woman that has had real life sex with him…and many other bloggers that have asked to remain nameless.
The “proof” will not be published on-line, and no one is requesting to see it. He’s, therefore, able to continue to spin and play the victim.
In the end, it’s a he said, she said thing…regardless of the fact that four women wrote about him.
He’s a skilled manipulater. I’ve resigned that the truth was put out there. We were not trying to slander him in any way (I made sure to have proof of everything I wrote), we were only trying to protect other women. People may choose not to believe us or care that he’s acting deceitfully, but at least we can say that we did our part.
Thanks again. I’ve been feeling a bit down.
Great insightful post.
If I can pull back a little…maybe a step or two…the larger picture reveals that the internet is not equated with ‘reality’. No matter how intense the experiences, no matter how mind-expanding the adventures, what I’ve learned can be summed up in one sentence: “It ain’t real until you kiss ‘em.” (Explanation: About a decade ago, in the wake of a pretty horrible, fit-for-a-movie breakup, I became ‘active’ online with women. At one point, I was ‘juggling’ four situations. One of them involved a woman in Australia, whom I was planning on visiting (from North America.) At some point, logic and rationale kicked in and I came to my senses; the above quote became my mantra.)
But not just in instances such as you’ve offered. Basic friendships are also not of the same ground rules. People seem to regard something manifested electronically via emails as being somehow not as ’serious’, not as ‘binding’, not subject to the same expectations. I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you can ‘ignore’ emails, keep the correspondence in abeyance until it’s convenient. My experience has shown me that although people will often open up more readily than they might in ‘real life’, the connection established is only ‘real’ as long as it stays in that arena. Once you try to migrate it, or apply a ‘real world’ template over it, things tend to fall apart.
Not sure if I’m managing to express myself clearly here, but I think it’s all part-and-parcel of the internet reality. Not everything can be taken at face value, people don’t, as a rule, take what goes on there ’seriously’, and, as I said, “It ain’t real until you kiss ‘em.”
Looking forward to delving into your archives. Wonderful, wonderful stuff. Keep it up!
Best wishes from Canada…