I was reading comments on my recent post ‘He broke up with me because he met someone else – Is he a bastard?’ and a couple of lines from one commenter stood out because they reflect a problem that is at the heart of our poor relationships with men:
‘But, if he had said that things didn’t seem to be working for a few months already, why didn’t he just have the balls to end the relationship at that point and be single for a while?’
Now whilst to a certain extent I can understand why we say and think things like this, it is half hearted view because there are two people in a relationship, it takes two to tango, and why should it be always down to the man to opt out of the relationship? In fact, this mentality raises some key questions that I’m hoping will get your opinions flowing:
If he doesn’t have the balls to end it, why don’t you end it?
If he is not happy in the relationship, why are you still happy with the relationship?If you know that things aren’t working and that he only has one foot in the relationship or even neither of them, why don’t you end it? Why are both of your feet in it?
If he doesn’t think that things are working, what is it about the relationship that works for you?
If he doesn’t want you, why do you want him?
If he is not being the man you thought he was or believed that he could be, why don’t you end it? Why do you expect him to change?
If his reaction to you treating him well is to treat you poorly, why do you keep endeavouring to treat him better?
If you know it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, why do you keep thinking that it’s a dove?
You see, our mentality about men and relationships is impacted greatly by the existence of these questions because if you find yourself willing to be in a relationship no matter what, these questions will exist.
The questions exist because of the lack of responsibility that we have in the relationship – The onus is being placed on him to take action and to change.
But…
If you’re staying no matter what, the likelihood is that if a guy turns around and says ‘This isn’t working’;'It’s over’, you will still be invested. In fact, you’ll be hearing him, but you won’t be listening.
The general response of a Fallback Girl to a struggling relationship or their guy who doesn’t think it’s working or is half hearted? Try harder, self-blame, keep telling him she loves him, keep saying she’s the best woman for him, keep trying to get him to change, keep going back again and again…
If you’re happy to be in a relationship that someone else has been saying is struggling or that he wants out of, it’s very difficult because really, you’re both co-existing on 2 different relationship planets. If anything, he’s disrupting your sense of reality and this is what many Fallback Girls struggle with. The assclowns and lazy men out there do pick up on this and they get into a mentality of ‘She’s going to keep trying/talking/asking/whatever’ and just go with the flow, try for a while to meet your expectations (if he’s decent) but then come back full circle, or be half hearted or no hearted about trying if he has already pretty much decided that the relationship is a no go.
In getting into reality, we see the truth, and that involves ‘us’ and it will involve some level of change on our parts. By going along with things and being happy with a struggling with a relationship, you are buying time whilst you avoid confronting your fears or seeing things about yourself that you may need to change.
As I’ve said before, you don’t need the words ‘let’s break up’ for a relationship to be over. Some are over long before it becomes official, it’s just that we cling, we try, or we even flog a dead horse.
Many people do end relationships but the problem of women who love emotionally unavailable men and assclowns in general is that when you have two people who don’t want to take the responsibility of ending things, you get a life in limbo. The only way to change things is to put yourself in control of yourself and your relationships rather than giving away your power to men. Don’t be helpless.
When we come back to the original question asked in the comments, yes he could have ended it sooner but so could she. She was there too.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding your relationship struggles, especially with emotionally unavailable men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Kim 2…. you HOLD TIGHT.. DO NOT CONTACT HIM as Hard as you can.. go out with a girlfriend.. take a walk.. get out and get some exercise… do something that makes you laugh… seriously.. we ALL have those days.. ALL OF US.. just have to “hunker down” and know that the storm will pass…
Noelle…. laughing to myself here… not making fun of you but remembering when my ex said hey when you are reading the paper today let me know what’s going on with such and such… to which i said “why don’t you read it yourself” and then 30 minutes later provided him with a synopsis of what I had read. Haha… WOW I see myself as so pathetic when looking back.
After a fight caused by him disappearing I used to also bake for him to try and ease the conflict. Oh dear god this is embarassing.
I won’t contact him. Too much pride for that. Just feeling lonely today and wondering if he ever missed me.
Kim2..I have had so many of those days and even with him wonder the same thing. But you are doing good with the NCR so keep it up.
Kim2…After going back and re-reading posts, let me tell you first hand that their behavior does not change. This last time we are back together (5th) breakup! Our breakups only lasted a week, no more than that but this one, after a week he wanted to see me. We spent the day together and I felt at first that we had a really good talk. He told me that he understood my insecurties etc. He has said “I know its not fair to you” meaning leaving me in relationship limbo while he figures out what is love for me is and now, after three weeks of being back together for whatever that means (because we have never really had the discussion) we just went back to spending all our time with each other, I can tell you that its the same ole thing! He never really blew hot to get me back either. But, its just the same behavior as before and now that I see it clearly (because of this site) and recognize it, I am even more mad at myself for being sucked back in. One night he said to me “I love you” but I’m trying to figure it out. My response was I don’t think you are in love with me and he said “but we keep getting back together”…..That statement hit me like a ton of bricks because that was my old thinking…there must be a reason for it so I kept going back. There is a reason, I’m not ready to work on me yet. Whatever you do, stay strong because I’m telling you..what you think you miss is not really what it appears to be. I am seeing that now.
Thank you everyone. I don’t understand why this hurts me. Well… maybe I do understand. I want his approval. I want to be wanted. His sexual energy is what attracted me to him in the first place. But he was a butthead to me. Hot and cold… hot and cold. I was always confused and nervous. His behavior made it worse. Some days he would see me at the local pub and act like he didn’t know me when just a few nights before I had spent the night at his house! That hurt but instead of being mad I wondered what was wrong. What did I do wrong? Was he interested in someone else? I would see him talking to some woman and wonder if he was trying to take her home. He never did that I saw but I didn’t know what to make of it. I would leave him alone – no calling or anything – and in a few days he’d get in touch with me. Why are you avoiding me? Why have you been so quiet? Like I imagined him ignoring me. Gah…..!!! When he was on it was so much fun and there were never any fights or outright meanness. But his on/off behavior put me in a spin. I couldn’t and still can’t understand it. We are both in our 40s and too old to play games – or so I thought. I wanted to have fun… enjoy our days off together. There aren’t a lot of single men here to pick from. The guys my age that are single are kind of different. The best one in the bunch is gay.
Now he is with another woman and seems to be different to her. I wonder if he sleeps with his arms around her like he did with me. I wonder if he talks about his previous women with her too. So far I haven’t seen him give her the cool treatment at the local bar (our town is so small there is no way I can’t run into him/them). I wonder if he treats her like he did me? She’s nice and if he fell off the face of the planet I’d be friends with her. I make myself sick wondering if he is now going to be normal and treat her like he should have treated me. I wish I had never gotten involved with him. At first my intention was to have fun with him. We were both single, no kids, free to do whatever. I thought we could hang out, have fun, enjoy each other. I didn’t ask him to look at wedding dresses with me! Geesh…. I’m so insulted by all this. Both by his machismo behavior and my being so tangled up in my own thoughts and feelings I can’t sleep. He wanted ‘friends with benefits’ and it sounds like that is what I wanted too but he wasn’t even doing the friends part – just the benefits. I feel so stupid for putting up with this as long as I did. Even though I am the one that left the situation I still feel rejected. That is what hurts. Feeling like I wasn’t enough.
Dazed, your comments about baking for him brought back clear memories of me as a little girl trying to get love/approval from my parents (Mum had left, Father was alcoholic EUM) by baking cakes or cleaning the bathroom, then hoping someone would notice! So sad, and no surprise that I’m drawn to EUM’s.
I read somewhere once that a bird with a broken wing getting together with another bird with a broken wing does not result in a healthy bird flying high – too true.
Knowledge is power as they say, and we can all choose to change.
After coming home yesterday from yet another drama filled weekend with my EUM leaving me feeling empty, mad and confused and the thing I hate the most..WHY? I decided I would try the NCR. I didn’t contact him at all yesterday like he asked me to and of course around 5 he was texting, where are you etc. Then at 9 it was what are you up to? I did respond but I got up this morning telling myself I am not going to contact him. He is supposed to be going out of town, I’m not going to ask about travel arrangements etc. I am not going to say anything. My question is this..is he going to blow hot again? I know it shouldn’t matter what he thinks but I guess I am wondering what he is going to think. Would it just be better to tell him? Tell him that I want to break up this time and do it for good so he will leave me alone?
Noelle, I’m no NML, but I think you should tell him in no uncertain terms that it’s over and that you will not be contacting him again, and tell him not to contact you again. Go ahead and set the boundary, and stick to it. Otherwise, you have a squishy boundary where he has deniability (“Oh, but you didn’t tell me it was over so I kept calling,”) and so do you (“Oh, but I didn’t tell him properly that we were broken up, and he has been texting constantly so I should give him another chance.”) But if you set the firm boundary honestly and respectfully and observe it yourself, then when HE tries to breach the boundary you will have proof positive how disrespectful he is to you.
Welcome to rehab, Noelle, hope you can stay here with us! I’m 22 days of NC and I feel like I have finally gotten past the worst of it. This morning I woke up from a dream that I had a miscarriage, or maybe it was a placenta with no baby. Gross, but I have no question what the symbolism was there!
I knew something was amiss with the guy I am currently dating…I was getting ready for work this morning, and it suddenly dawned on me that for the last year or so, I have been dating emotionally unavaliable men. I did some searches online… and WOW the whole idea of EUMs and Fallback Girls hits the nail right on the head. I have been dating this guy since August, but I only seem him every couple of weeks. Minimal contact, and I am usually the one to contact him. He is always so busy with work or whatever, no time for me. I keep hoping things would change, but in the back of my head, I really don’t feel like it is going anywhere. Then at the same time I think well maybe this is better than being all alone. It was hard to realize in the last couple hours how messed up the situation is, and that its not just him being weird, I too have a problem. I guess at this point, I know I have to end it. But man, its hard. Do I have to have a talk with him? Can I just blow him off like I feel he has done to me? I am confused.
Confused,
It’s good that you realize you have to end it with this guy. I don’t think you need to have a talk with him. You see him every couple of weeks? He’s busy? Sheesh. Since you’ve been the one initiating most of the contact, you don’t need to tell him anything. Just don’t contact him again. If he contacts you, then blow him off. It’s better to be alone for a while, and get educated on the EU issue within ourselves and get in a better place so we don’t wind up in these crappy relationships anymore.
Confused, I agree with Carm, you don’t need to have a talk with him.
Since you are the one that contacts him, just blow him off.
I did what you did, kept contacting him and if he had “time”, he would agree to meet, if not he would just blow me off: “I just have a lot going on right now”. Basically he is saying: I don’t have time right now, but please try again. Just end it, end it which ever way makes you feel comfortable, I just cut the contact, no “talk”, fights or whatever BS.
Don’t worry about being alone, you feel better when you cut him off.
Confused, in your case I agree with Carm and Astelle. You don’t owe this guy anything. Noelle and her situation was different, since they have an long-term ongoing off-and-on disfunction that needs a very definite end and boundary set. Be glad that you and Mr. Invisible did not get any closer, really you have a much easier job than some of us who got in much deeper with our assclowns.
Thanks Regina. I am currently trying the back out plan in where I’ve set a date of January 1 to end it. Its hard when I’m used to every single weekend with him and days/nites when he is in town. (He travels every week). He has 2 young children who I am very attached to and they are to me as well. So, with that being said I know I can’t just say its over and end it like that. I tried and it didn’t work. We were rocking along pretty good and I THOUGHT we were getting closer. Then he made a comment about me buying my own house one day and I threw a fit! I mean really threw a fit. I told him obviously he didn’t see a future with me yada yada and he point blank told me “if you are wanting me to say YOU are the one for me, I’m sorry, I can’t do that” so I said its over, lets end it now before the holidays etc. Then a week later, he is texting me and I go right back. When we started seeing each other again, we talked, and I told him I was wrong for getting angry and demanding answers when I know I have commitment issues of my own. He admitted he had concerns but never really stated what those concerns were…(again PA behavior I think) now we are right back like we used to be. Every weekend etc. I know deep down, I need to start spending less time with him, etc. to back out instead of just end it. Sunday was my first time to implement the plan and of course, Monday, he was “what did you do last night because you didn’t want to be with me!” Whatever…I know I can’t let him guilt me into being with him and the kids that I have to grow a back bone and start being less available. I help him do everything and I need to start doing less and less. Its hard. Confused does have it a bit easier. Sometimes I wish that I had just cut the contact when we first started out and then I wouldn’t be 17 months invested in a dead end relationship. Honestly, I laid next to him Tuesday morning at 3:00 a.m. dead awake counting the months we had been together. We have broken up 5 times now with each breakup lasting no more than a week and I just sit and say…DAMN!
Ladies,
Nothing ever changes-trust me. Ive blogged on the site for about 9months since March (when I left my EUM). I was an emotional wreck and some bloggers may know my story..
too long to go into again but lets just say typical EUM behavior: telling me he loves me but then going MIA without explanations, seeing him once or twice a week, etc..
I broke NC and slept w him twice in the 9months of separation-most recent back in July. My EUM and I work for the same company tho thank God it’s a big enough company that run ins are far and few in between.
Now I NEVER initiated contact he always contacted me on some level, whether it’s a text, phone call or an elevator run in. After our 2nd and final hook up in June, he rode out the summer w/o me w the odd text and calls here and there. (which I ignored) Now we’re in the Fall and he’s calling and texting me like a mad man for the past month. I admit I almost allowed him to come over 2nites ago but it didn’t happen-then yesterday nite I got a text from him asking to come over AGAIN..I didn’t respond to it. Im getting the “miss youâ€, “love youâ€, “tell me you don’t love me and I’ll leave you alone†txts. My inner gut tells me that even tho its been 9months, he hasn’t changed. (also based on the few conversations we’ve had). Do you women think it’s a season thing? In the Winter its too cold to go “hunting†if you know what I mean. Was it
perfect timing for the r’ship to end right before the Spring and now in the Fall he’s telling me he misses me? My EUM is a classic example of a guy not being able to commit to me and not being able to commit to being w/o me. Those types of EUM are the most hardest bc they slow down your healing process. Im probably more ahead in the healing process but I can tell you ladies these men NEVER change and the only way to move on is NC and stick to it. Even if you get the miss you texts (I get tons of them) they mean NOTHING or maybe they honestly do miss you but can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. I still love my EUM but I learned to love myself much more than anyone else. So for all you ladies wishing and hoping for the “miss you, love you†texts it’s a waste of time. Close your eyes and move on. Good luck
Thanks y’all. I appreciate the support. I am sure you’re right, no contact is the way to go. It’s just so frustrating, i want to yell at him or something. If he doesn’t want a real relationship, just be man enough to tell me that. I guess I have a lot to learn about EUMs!
Confused, don’t worry about wanting to yell at him or tell him off, it is unnecessary drama and it will only hurt you.
I feel I kept my dignity by just cutting contact, no fights, talks, nothing.
Trust me, months from now you will good that you just walked away without the “talk”.
Also, keep in mind, these guys respond to contact in order to keep you around – not to keep you.
Well, its been one day with no contact. He is going out of town to visit a friend this weekend, so I doubt I will hear anything out of him. It is a lot easier to not text him, if he doesn’t text me.
I went total no contact with my last serious boyfriend. He made me so mad, that I just never wanted to talk to him ever again. I still get those little “I miss you” texts. I realize now that he was an EUM too. And it has actually helped a lot, making “sense” of what happened with him.
Maybe there is no clear answer, but I am curious… Are these guys consciously aware of what they are doing? Or are they just happily unaware in their own little worlds, and think this is acceptable behavior?
I absolutely love this perspective and 100% agree. I’m not sure what causes us to sit back and literally give the man the power to dictate the relationship, how it flows, and where its headed. I recently just ended a relationship after months of trying to save it, to make it work, to get things back to how they used to be and finally realized that it was MY choice, that it was not working for ME, and afterall why was I waiting for him to break things off and clinging on when it was killing me emotionally and spiritually…I finally made the decision, decided that this was no longer what I wanted and I’ll tell you, its hard, I miss him (the good times), but I have such a feeling of empowerment. It feels awesome to be my own best friend and to take charge of a relationship that I had given him all the power in. I changed my email, deleted my social site and changed my number and it feels so so so good to reclaim myself back and knowing deep down that although it is very hard and requires going through some pain it is alot easier and you feel alot stronger when you take charge of your life again and take charge of the relationship regardless of him, period. I have never stood up for myself like this before and its a good feeling. I got tired of the yo-yo relationship and instead of letting him drag me through it any longer when I know he didn’t want it anymore, I took accountablilty. After many nights of asking why doesn’t he just break it off if he doesn’t want this I finally asked myself…why don’t I break it off because I am worth more than this and if I am going to have both feet in the relationship, so does my partner. If not, its his loss. Stop blaming yourselves girls and take accountability, control, and power back and if you are spending more time crying than laughing with your guy then why don’t you send the man packing??? Love yourself!!! It feels great and its not selfish, its having a big heart, but learning it’s boundries.
I used to think that the ex-EUM cared because he kept coming back. How wrong I was! I used to wish he would grow some nuts and leave me. Then one day after another one of his stunts (you know, disappearing, not calling, not apologising, standing me up) I said enough to myself and pulled the plug on that dead end “relationship.”
I changed my number and blocked him from my email & IM.
I feel empowered because I made these decisions. I took control for regaining my happiness. I called the shots, and you can too. Yup, it’s gonna hurt, you may doubt yourself and question your decision.
Take control of your life and be responsible for yourself, don’t leave it to chance or some assclown!
Oh God…I just stumbled upon this site while up super late trying to distract myself from my current situation. I typed ”why end it after meeting his parents” into Google – the question ringing in my head right now, and one of the results was this site.
I’m eager to read the book – everything I’ve read on this site applies to my situation – and it’s a little comforting to know there are other girls out there experiencing similar to me.
My question is.. if I’m to decide it’s time to end what I have with him – how do i do it? Do I give him my reasons or just cut off all contact without a word? I feel we have too much history to just shut him off..
To explain: I’ve known him 2 years. Previous to him I was in a very bad relationship & despite being single for a few years I was still getting over my ex & the issues from that relationship. When I met this guy it was a casual thing – I wasn’t ready for anything more. He’d leave early in the morning, he’d only communicate over msn or text. He travels alot with work, so he was often away. Eventually we lost contact & I found out he was back with his ex. January this year he messaged me saying he missed me. He asked to meet up & explained everything to me – past issues with family & ex’s – they’d broken up – he’d never opened up before & while I took the ‘i miss you’s’ with a pinch of salt, I have a big heart. I sympathised with his problems & understood why he behaved the way he did because I’d behaved similarly.
Since January we started seeing each other more, but I was always introduced to his friends as ‘a friend’. I’d ask him ‘what we were’ & he’d say he wasn’t ready for a relationship – I’d like one but want to still take things slowly after my ex. I know I’m falling for this guy. I know I could love him soon enough.
He fell ill early summer & said he was too depressed to see me. We’d chat on msn during the day despite him only living 20 minutes away. I saw him once more before he went away on business for 2 months. He held me all night.
When he went away, I booked a holiday with friends & took my mind off him. When I got home he messaged me from halfway across the world saying how much he’d missed me & couldn’t wait to see me, wanted me to meet him at the airport, wanted us to drive to visit his family. I was speechless. He texted me, msn’d me & called me non stop from around the world.. every day for the next month.
I met him at the airport & he was kind of distant. He didn’t repeat any of the loving things he’d said online while he was away. We went to visit his parents & I felt totally out of my depth – I was confused that I was sharing a bed with him at his parents house, yet he was introducing me his parents friends as a ‘friend’.
He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we get on great, we make each other laugh, we’re great in bed, i love how he holds me at night, we both have issues & I think it would be unfair to condemn him for them as I wouldn’t want to be condemned for mine…
He seemed offish as we left his family & when I asked him about it he told me I was rushing things. I was bewildered! HE was the one that contacted me non stop for a month, HE was the one who asked me to meet him at the airport & meet his family. I’d said & done nothing to make him think I was rushing him – I’m so aware not to.
That was a month ago & I’ve seen him once since. He was so sad. He’s dealing with some seriously tough stuff & I’m trying to be understanding.. but the more I read on this site, the more I wonder if I’m a complete schmuk. If I try to contact him – text/phone/online – and I don’t try often, but more often than not he won’t respond, or the conversation (if not on the phone) will abruptly end. He’ll say the next day he ran out of credit on his phone, or was having trouble with the internet connection. I don’t know whether to believe that or not.
Last week I finally said everything to him online, I said I didn’t want to say it online but I never saw him to say it to his face. He asked me to phone him the next day instead but I didn’t – I didn’t want some tearful conversation as it would remind me of the times it happened with my ex. A week later & there’s been the odd text, tonight (online again) I said I wanted to see him in the week. He said he was nervous about seeing me as there was alot to talk about.
I’m nervous he’s going to say we have to end this, I feel like i want to do it just to get there first. I also worry that if this guy truly isn’t a bad person, just troubled, it would be so unfair of me to leave.
102,
What in the world are you getting from this? I was going to say relationship but there is no relationship when you speak and see someone so infrequently.
Holly, “He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we get on great, we make each other laugh, we’re great in bed,” really stood out to me. He’s not kind at all, he’s very insensitive, you get on great…on his terms, you’re not laughing so much now, and of course you’re great in bed – you hardly see each other and it’s great dysfunctional sex powered by ambiguity and negative emotions.
This isn’t a relationship -it’s barely a booty call and it is shocking the level of crumbs that you are prepared to accept. Read back your own comment and tell me if you can read that and not think that this man’s behaviour is beyond suspect?! The convenient cutting off of phonecalls and the don’t call me, I’ll call you carry-on. You have nothing to end. When a man introduces you as his friend to friends and family even though he’s screwing you, it’s because he is letting his friends and family know that he does not and will not be seeing you as anything more. I would spend some time looking at your situation through clear eyes as I suspect if you did and saw it for what it was, you would have no qualms about ending it even though it will hurt. And, always remember this – this is not let’s try to match each other pain for pain. Your pain is not his pain and vice versa and you must stop projecting your vision and experience on him. Your outlook suggests that you shouldn’t be in a relationship *anyway* and that you need to spend some time clearing your emotional baggage before you get involved with anyone else. It takes someone who is hurting a lot with low self-esteem to allow a man to treat her in such a disrespectful manner and then call him “great”
I just broke up with a married man last night by telling his wife. she has called me and told me she just wants peace and to leave them alone. The truth is, I want peace too, I was in this crap situation for 5 years. Now I feel like crying my eyes out, but I know that I put myself in this situation probably due to low self esteem. This website is really helping me, I just feel so alone, even though I know people hate the other woman, I think i hate myself more than they do. I just wish I had a fast forward button for three months away, but I know I have to look deep and hard at myself and why I let this happen. Reading all the articles here makes me feel like a light is switched on, I didn’t want to see this light, he kept saying he would leave her for the past year and a half, i would believe it, then the week before it would be supposed to happen, he would say I can’t do it. I would threaten him, cry, scream, beseech, it was pathetic! I sort of feel free and at the same time petrified.. why do we do this to ourselves?
If I didn’t end my involvement with Mr. EUM, we would still be together as I believe it worked for him. But it didn’t work for me so I quit. Have I not done that I would still be discussing the relationship, pressing for more time together and trying to fix our problems.
The I stopped the madness. I won’t chase any one who isn’t chasing me. I stopped wondering if he was emotionally unavailable, disinterested, playing games, or shy. Who cares? What REALLY mattered is that I wasn’t happy and my needs weren’t being met.
I bailed out about 6 weeks ago and I’m happier now – no more drama, anxiety, constantly checking my phone (changed my number
. I should have done this a long time ago.
Cynnie!
You are so right, I dont the same thing and feel much happy!
My EUM still got to me. I told him it was over, after he lied about leaving the girl he left me for to be with me again. . .I said that I was not the kind of woman he could be indecisive with any longer. . .he let me go and said he would not plead for me back this time. . .so much for that. . .I blocked his number, he called me from work, i blocked that number he called me from co-workers phones, sent emails trying to manipulate me into calling him. . .12 days went by and I was certain it would stick this time. . .as long as he could not get ahold of me I would be fine. I was waiting for an important call and picked up a random number thinking it was someone else. . .It was him! My heart almost jumped out of my body. . .He acted in shock that I had left him out of no where and asked me what happened. I explained everything told him how angry I was and that i had been mad for a long time, he agreed he had been unfair to me. . .He still would not commit saying that he wanted to marry me just not for like 5 years!!! Um so what Im like on lay away. . .I couldnt believe I was back to this place. . .I stupidly agreed to have dinner with him, we had a great time, we had sex, I spent the night and it was back to how I had missed it being. . .The next day he didnt return my phone call! I was so angry I left him a message saying “Tell that girl I say hi. We should get to know eachother considering we are sharing the same dick. . .Im not a fool I know you have seen your phone since I called you at 515. You are the worst guy I have ever met. Get your Fing life together and call me in five years, because untill you are ready I am not interested.” I felt proud of myself momentarily but when I woke up this morning I was ridden with anxietyand regret. . .I literaly was incapable of thinking of anything else. I thrived on the validation I was getting from him trying to get me back and once he did I was freaking out that i had over reacted. . .He called me a few hours later and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. Everything was fine. . .He asked why i sent that and I said i was mad he didnt call me back. I felt stupid and crazy. . .I cant break the cycle. . .This site had given me so much strenth but as soon as he gets ahold of me im powerless and I hate it! I felt so much stronger with no contact but I’m scared to go back to it again. . .there is no future he will not chnge and this other woman has been treated so poorly by him and keeps comming back. . .she is not going anywhere. . .she may even be more screwed up then I am. . .I have witnessed him on the phone yell at her that he did not ever want to see her again, tell her he would call the cops on her and basically treat her like garbage. . .but im sure he works his charm on her to get her back when he has changed his mind just the same. . .advice on how to make that permanant break please?!?! I have to the anxiety is too much to take.
Hello everyone,
I just found this site a couple of days ago and have found it so helpful and healing to read that others have been through the same or similar things with men. I just found out that the guy that I’ve been having a long distance relationship with for 8 months has been carrying on a full other relationship in his city for nearly the entire time. I’m not sure where to turn and I’m embarrassed to talk about it too much as I feel like such a fool.
We had seen each other every month until just before xmas when he declared he needed some time to think and wanted us to postpone the visit until Jan. My instincts had been telling me that something was really off so I cut off contact for a few weeks. Not surprisingly, he was phoning, smsing, emailing and begging me to stay in contact and keep ‘us’ close. He played massive head/heart games with me, declaring love, that I was ‘the one’, he wasn’t happy without me, wanted me to come to his city to stay with him etc. I finally gave in and started up communication again. I began to notice little lies in his stories and things that didn’t make sense. He kept begging for me to come for a long weekend to visit, so I decided I would just 2 weeks ago. I promised myself that I would go to get the truth. I had kept my life on hold for this man and I knew something had to change. Even though I didn’t think I felt as vulnerable to him, that all changed from the first day I saw him again. He was romantic, loving, showering me with attention, talking about the future with ‘us’ and saying that things would be different this time. He just wasn’t sure before. Even though I was skeptical, my heart opened and fell for him again. He is very attractive, interesting and very active with sports. We had many similar future goals and dreams, which I think sucked me in early on (even though there were red flags).
I found nude shots in his camera of whom he told me was his ex girlfriend who was just a friend. He swore to my face that they were just, fun, flirtatious pics. I didn’t really believe him but I wanted to. The date on the photos was of a time when we were very much together. He lied and twisted stories and had a million excuses why it was that way. I ended up agreeing to stay for a few days after his begging and pleading mostly because I had just flown across the world to give him another chance. Long story short, I ended up finding romantic sms’ in his phone the night before I left. I knew in the morning that he knew I had found them. Instead of coming clean he just begged me to stay more days and wanted to plan out next visit in a couple of weeks time. I was very calm and asked him why he was pretending. I said i knew that he couldn’t just choose one woman. He denied everything and begged like a little boy for me to stay. I left. But I had sent an sms to the girl who sms’ were in his phone over the weekend, She responded and wanted to talk. We had a long conversation when I arrived back home. She and I were both devastated to find out that he had been carrying on ’serious’ relationships with both of us. We exchanged emails that he had sent and sms’. The scary part is that his lies are pathological. He made so much effort to keep us both invested in him. He would go away with her and call, email and sms me horrific lies and do the same to her when he was with me. She called him and confronted him and he then wrote me a very cruel, angry email telling me how wonderful his relation was with her and how we never got on well anyway and that he was so f****d for losing her. Didn’t care about my finding out or my feelings and blames me for causing him to now lose her. He was ruthless and calculating. It was so shocking after we had just been making love all weekend and he was talking about our future together. He knows he lost me forever once I found out the truth, but then to be so cruel and heartless just to cut me afterwards? What kind of person does that? I’m very hurt and in a state of shock. I can’t believe he played me for such a fool and that I did not listen to my instincts from the beginning.
There were red flags for me such as him ogling other beautiful women on the street when we were first together (even while professing love, I was the one etc). He wanted to sleep with me the first night and was very sexual very quickly. He said he hadn’t had sex in 1.5 years due to a bad break up where his ex cheated on him. I found out from his present girlfriend that he had another girlfriend in his city when he met me, then broke it off with her. So many lies and such deception and games. He’s 41 this year, very scary.
I know this is too long, but I really need some advice. I would never contact him again even to give him a piece of my mind (even though i want to). I realise he is now fully focused on getting her back and doesn’t not care a toss about my feelings. It’s hard and i’ve realised that there has been a few of these EUM in my life and I’m finally realising that I NEED to change things. I don’t ever want to waste my time, life and beauty on another wanker like this. I’m blaming myself for not listening to the signs and having the strength to cut ties early on. How can I have loved someone who is so heartless?
Please help!
Hey New Day,
I responded on the other post you also posted on. Please don’t beat yourself up too much for feeling like a dupe or something. There are plenty of intelligent women who have been snared into this type of situation by an undeserving and low character man. The fact that you did ultimately recognize red flags, investigated as needed, and acted on it should make you feel good about yourself. Don’t let his selfish, self preserving rant sway you from the course you started, which was to reveal the truth. As they say, the truth will set you free. Now you know it, now you are free to move on. Man, I went through a similar thing with a liar who I loved. It does create crazy making. Your impulse is to trust, because, based on what you have been told, you want to love. How devastating to learn someone has abused that wonderful, natural, and healthy reaction to them, only to twist it, use it, and make you not trust yourself. I actually, don’t think you are such a fool. You figured it out and sorted it out with great efficiency and aplomb. You should be patting yourself of the back. It is also great that you know you need to make some personal changes so this never happens again. Hang in there, you sound strong, although, I also understand you are hurt and grieving a loss right now.
Take care, ts.
I agree, we have to end the relationship when it is not working. I have not been dating for at least seven months and believe me I needed the break. I have made poor choices since I first started dating. The reason does not matter but I do have compassion for myself looking back. The most recent men I dated were brief and all ended by me because these wolves in sheeps clothing showed their true colors right away; but then again perhaps I was on the border of being in reality and out of tough with it, part fallback girl and part rational! It hurt though and was humilating when I think the pattern with me was knowing from the start this man was danger, him pulling away, me ending it but feeling like I was dumped. I was in such confusion and out of reality with myself that I would seek these men for validation, they would tell me they weren’t doing anything wrong and I would question myself if I was going crazy.
One guy who I dated years ago who I’ve kept in touch with over Instant Messager to exchange superficial hellos with over the past year; basically disregarded our plans to meet up for a drink after not seeing eachother. I dont know what I was thinking becasue this guy was an assclown and who am I kidding that we are friends? After he disregarded our meetup, at that point it was a wakeup call, like ok that was good we never met up, take that as a fair warning! We havent spoke for about a few months on instant messager… and the assclown randomly messages me the other night with a totally different screen name and replied with “do I know you”… he goes “yeah this is James
haven’t been on in 2 months, hello”… and I didn’t respond back. If it wasn’t for this site, I wouldnt see it so clearly that I am just an ego massage… and I refuse to eat crumbs. This man is dyslunsional considering 2 months ago I told him I didn’t want to speak with him after him disrespecting me… sending me a “friendly hello”… c’mon! I’m just ranting, but I’m just grateful for this site to spell everything out so clearly… especially when us old-or new fallback girls that want to be empowered and give the title a rest!
An excerpt from the last e-mail that I received from azzclown…. (in response to my buhbye)
FYI – he is married and all signs point to his being an extreme sadist. We were supposed to have an encounter at an area hotel, but I am so glad I canceled the reservations and woke up. The sexual chemistry is that strong and just as dangerous!
I read your mail…………….extremely disappointed. I was very much
looking forward to it. I have a few things to say, so please bear with
me…
Did it ever cross your mind that I practice safety first?? Anything else
would require an intense level of trust, that in my mind, we have yet to
attain.
If we added up the time we’ve seriously spoken to each other, it would
amount to no more than a few hours. Based on this how did you assume so much about me (me: THANKS BAGGAGE RECLAIM and unsurmountable research efforts). In reality I was hoping that tomorrow I would be able to spend a few moments with you to talk about all of this (me: yeah right, while having me bark like a dog). This is a big step for me, as much as it is for you (me: not true, he had extreme encounters that involved humiliation, domination etc. with at least 2 other women). What if I did say the things you
wanted me to hear AND it still didn’t work out, what then? (me: uh duh… he has been calling me sweetie and hun in our two hours of conversation lol…) I have never taken a rash decision in my life, why would I want to now? (me: totally disillusion here, or he thinks I just fell off the back of a turnip truck)
Maybe your right (me: yes I AM RIGHT and have my power back!), this may have not worked out, but we should have
atleast attempted it. As for now, my search for the one
continues………. (me: he really sealed it here)
Not only was I about to be involved with a sadist, this man was completely unavailable emotionally and on all other levels.
Ladies, please read between every line. He is screaming to me that he wants sex and that it is all about him and how extremely disappointed he is in not getting any. No mention of me or my feelings at all. P.S. he never calls me by my first name… one of many red flags.
Get out early please, before you vest to much! My prayers are with all of you!
I stumbled upon this blog by chance and I’m hoping that someone can offer up some advice.
I have been in a long distance relationship for five years that has had its ups and downs, mostly due to distance but now to something else all together that I can’t make sense of and I am now is in a state of limbo. This is a person who for years led me to believe that we were headed to a future together.
I was proposed to by this man in a casual way, a man who needless to say I loved completely, and for reasons mostly of fear I pushed him away and hurt him. I did everything I could to undo this as what I want more than anything is to be with him. After this he broke off with me implying that there had been little more than a casual liaison between us which we both know is not true. I said all I could to undo my actions – but we broke contact completely for months.
As it has happened somehow we began communicating again sporadically but almost as friends because that seemed safer to both of us – When I realized I had to face this I went all the way to his country to try and end it face to face and he only met me half way then refused to talk so I walked away, furious and heart broken. But he popped back up on my radar and I am still tormented by how unclearly we ended it. I have tried dating others but my constant confusion is stunting me. He then recently invited me to fly to join him on holiday near where I live and then changed is mind and then turned around and invited himself to visit me but this never happened. I am tormented by what I can make no sense of. If this cant be fixed then I surely need to end this but I don’t know how to end it in a way that allows me to get my message across with dignity and a very firm end. I’m scared that I made a mistake when he proposed but as much as i’ve tried to explain that he avoids the conversation completely. I am stuck in a limbo hell of question marks and I am hoping that someone here can advise me on a line of action that will set me free. please!
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