If you don’t have a clear view of who you are as a person and you’ve become used to suppressing your needs, expectations and wishes by being passive, you will have found yourself in situations, particularly relationships, where your needs aren’t being met and you’re at conflict with your values. This gives way to potentially busting your own boundaries possibly while others are busting them too.
In order to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship, you need to have enough self-knowledge to understand what you need in in order to feel happy and authentic, as well as knowing how you want to live – your values. When you neglect to reflect on and live them, you end up lacking the self-awareness to opt into situations that are befitting of you.
Decisions will be made without understanding if if they’re a reflection of you, because without being able to go through the consideration stage of decision-making and evaluate based on self-knowledge as well as possessing the self-trust to listen to you in the first place, you haven’t got very much information to go on. To make matters worse, you may actually be seeking approval from the other party or even expecting them to fill voids and give you an identity. This puts them on a pedestal where you can end up assuming that be pleasing them and gaining validation that somehow the needs, expectations, and wishes that you don’t understand, articulate or even respect, will somehow be met by them.
When you understand your needs, you understand your values. When you recognise your values they also tell you about what you need. This is for you to work out and when you don’t, it’s why you end up feeling like something is “missing” or that you’re being neglected.
Being attracted to someone and wanting a relationship with them doesn’t mean that you’ll have a great relationship with your needs being met. When two people are willing to value themselves and meet and respect their own individual needs and values, they’ll be happiest in relationships and situations where they share common values.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where the other person was happy as Larry with the status quo while you’ve been ‘hungry’ on a crumb diet, they’re content because from their perspective, what they feel that they need and want is being met even if from your perspective it’s not enough. If empathy isn’t their strongest suit, they’ll assume that if it’s alright with them, it’s alright with you.
When you live your life in a way that reflects and respects who you are, it’s harder to ‘wake up’ in situations being ‘surprised’ at how hungry or even malnourished you are because you seek out what you need, you recognise when it isn’t and you do the due diligence as a natural part of the process of getting to know someone.
You get a sense of this person as they unfold and you process the feedback from their actions and words (including what’s not said and done) as well as considering your experiences with them over time and then you relate it to the ‘data’ you hold on you. Whatever you’re going to continue in should resonate with your own value system. When we waver on how we feel about ourselves and don’t believe that we can go after what we deserve and even have needs in the first place, when we listen to that feedback, we can end up shutting down our concerns because we’re worried about ‘losing’ him/her and overriding our true selves with what we think that others would prefer us to be or do.
We go “Well I do need that but I have to hold it back because I don’t want to be ‘needy’…”
What you need to realise is that you have a bigger problem at hand when you’re prepared to lose yourself in your relationships. It leaves you very vulnerable with an identity that’s dependent on external validation from a specific person.
Life serves you lessons to teach you about where you need to adapt your thinking and behaviour and as I’ve said before, certain lessons will keep coming back like Michael Myers in Halloween until you’re ready to listen and apply the insights gained. Dates and relationships give you a window into positively understanding you further because when they don’t work out, there’s information in there about what values that you might not have realised you had or where you might have been at conflict with your values, and ultimately you also get some insight into what you need.
When I was ready to listen I realised that my relationship experiences weren’t some damning indictment of my worth as a person but they were telling me that I didn’t really treat me like a person of worth. I didn’t even think about values or what my needs might be and when I did, it was an afterthought when I was already feeling very invested. I needed to stop daddy hunting, I needed to be and do the things that I expected from others, I needed to be more proud of who I was instead of morphing, adapting and seeking approval.
How wonderful it would be to get it ‘right’ first time but in reality it’s trial and error and each experience if you take even a little time to positively learn from the insights gained is taking you closer to being in a relationship that’s more befitting of you.
Many people who find themselves ‘hungry’ in their relationships and recognise on some level that there’s a disconnect between what is wanted by each person go into change mode. They expect the other person to change so that their needs can be met even if aside from their needs not being met, they ultimately are at odds with their core values. It’s easy to go “I love them; they should change” or “If they loved me and wanted the relationship they’d change” but who they’d have to become would not be who they are and it still wouldn’t make you you. That’s your job.
Being self-sufficient doesn’t mean that you don’t need others but what it does mean is that you’re not deficient without others. Address your relationship with you and your relationships, romantic and otherwise will be more nourishing. Pretending that you don’t have feelings or needs is like trying to pretend that you’re not a person of any worth – that’s not an act that you should be wiling to pull off.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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PS We can also slip into Pollyanna mode after getting burned in situations where we may RECOGNISED the wolf but foolishly decided that we would IGNORE the danger & enterain it in some way, shape or form.
Now, if you’re REALLY ready to learn (I’m teaching myself as much as anyone else as I write) suck it up & get this (warning: this will sting a tad).
The Pollyanna Complex is an act we play out to absolve ourselves of responsibility for our part in things! You see Rev, we are not REALLY Pollyanna’s. Rather we are grown women, making choices of free will about our lives. And sometimes we make bad ones. And bitching & moaning about the other persons wrongdoings, & how we are oh so superior in whatever ways we think we, are isn’t going to help us make better choices next time.
What will help us to make better choices is to see OUR faults, OUR wrongdoings, OUR fuckups. And one of them is this BS Pollyanna act we pull. It’s a bloody crock!!
Wow. I can’t believe I said all that. If it doesn’t apply to you please disreguard it. I know it applies to me though. I’m ready for change on a fundemental level Rev. I’m not bullshitting myself in any nook or cranny of my thinking anymore. I hope I haven’t been too harsh. You’re 35 with no children. I think you spoke of hoping for them one day.
If you want straight up no BS, lets get this sorted type feedbk you’ve found yr girl. But it also comes with bucket loads of love & the understanding that hey, we’re in this together. xxx
Yo Teach,
I hear you, loud and clear, girl. You’re right. Especially about Pollyanna’s ugly snaggle-toothed cousin, Victim Thinking. Ugh.
I love how you said that we can’t control bad things, and “bad” people. We just need to learn to jump ship when we feel those gut reactions. I’m learning these things. If I’m honest, I will admit that I felt those gut reactions with both of the major ACs in my life. I think I just wanted to be the one whose love could magically transform them into the prince. You know how that story ends.
So now, in relationships, I’m looking for a home with sturdy foundations (not a fixer upper, feet from the train tracks). But, and as you mentioned, on a wider scale, I have learned how to not be a beacon to the conscience underpriviledged. My fault is that I see the “potential” in people.(Am I hitting all of Nat’s titles here? Lol.)But the more nefarious have a gift for taking advantage of that.
You know something? It’s actually a relief to me, the thought that it’s not up to ME to create “better people” out of the ashes of user friends and bfs. And if I’m honest, it’s a bit controlling to be wanting to do that in the first place(even if our goal is for world peace, the hungry to be fed, and the assholes of the world to shed their assholery and unite in some wonderful global bond of redemption).
I get it, Teach. Seriously. Thanks.
Oh, and btw, nope, don’t want children. So at least I got that going for me, timewise.
@ Tinkerbell and Revs: Thanks for the support! This person is actually still in my house. She says that she found a place and will start moving some of her stuff this week. I took pics of everything in the house because she made a comment a while back that gave me the impression that she was capable of secretly doing something to sabatoge my home. I will also be doing a thorough walk through of the property before having her sign
the rental agreement stating that she left everything in good condition the same way that she found it when initially moved in. I am learning to listen to my intuition, as well as applying what I learned about these types of people from reading Nat’s posts.
Ok got it Rev. Doesnt want kids. Apologies. My mistake. I do get confused in my fuddly middle aged mind
these days (43)! LOL
Also, just so you know everything I was saying applies to me too of course. Primarily, in fact! Just so you know. It’s up to you to decide if anything I ever say fits for you or not. Just discard what doesn’t. It’s all good…
It doesnt surprise me in the least to hear that you’ve been around BR for a couple of yrs already & another site before that. I can see that you have a lot of self awareness & maturity. That’s partly why I ‘click’ with you, as well as that we are similar in many respects, personality & values wise
I’ve been working on this stuff for a long time though Rev. Conciously at it with deliberate intent for 27 years. That doesnt give me any greater knowledge, not by a long shot (ie look at how I’ve just been humbled!), but I do have a measure of experience at ‘walking in the world with my self esteem in tow’ so to speak… that coming intuitively to the point where we don’t even need to think about how to do it, takes time. I was at that place for many years before my current episode, which was a one off slip up, due to particular vulnerabilities which came into play. I’ve learned my lesson. That wont be happening again.
That said, what also takes time, is HEALING. This is the phase we are both in now. Depression in this phase, if we have been badly burned, is not uncommon. Tread gently. We have been wounded. We need to be wrapped in cotton wool until such time as our emotional skin grows back & we’re ready to take on the world again. It’s ok to rest & recouperate. In fact this is the most responsible thing we can do for ourselves right now. Sending love n hugs. T xx
And Rev, can you do me a favour? Hold me to account on this! If I come to BR with a story of some lame ass guy with fixer upper issues you have my FULL PERMISSION to TOTALLY NAIL MY ASS TO THE WALL!!! Got it? Cool.
LOL
And Rev, I haven’t really got a handle properly on yr ‘backstory’ other than there has been a r.ship who didn’t work out & that it has caused an episode of depression. I also
noted (I think?) somewhere that you onced dated a musician but then realised they are lame. Good call. Most are. I know. I am one (but would never date one in a million yrs & have a day job career behind me). I do apologise for not knowing too much more. I’ve been a bit ‘patchy’ with popping in & out lately, but have been here the last few days. I will try to pick it up a bit I can get a better sense of your situation. For what it’s worth though, can I say, my guess is you’ve been on yr own journey of some sort of personal growth for a while too. Just remember though. Easy does it. Rome wasn’t built in a day & broken hearts & damaged self esteem too take quite some time, work & effort to heal too. It’ll happen in good time. Just be gentle with yrself in the interim. Treat yrself like yr own best friend xx
Oh Teach,
Everytime I read your comments to me, I make this low guttural chuckle to myself(it’s kind of creepy, actually. Lol.) How the hell do you just….get it?
My story…. *sits back with a pipe, stroking chin, looking off into the distance, reflectively* Well, it’s a tale of assholery.
Okay, I’ll try to give it to you in an nutshell: Mom left dad when she was pregnant with me, because he was cheating. Was a (responsible!) EUW in my late teens/early twenties. Wasn’t “available,” but didn’t ever pull the shit with guys that the ACs that we read about here pull. I was honest and clear with my intentions. No double-speak from me, ever.
Anyways, yes, dated musicians. It seemed an easy fit as I am a writer and always tended toward the right-brained chaos, like it was a warm, fuzzy blanket. Now I see the holes.
The last AC (dated a couple, as I was emerging out of my EUW cocoon) was just a friend, but gave me all the markings (even saying he loved me) of maybe it going further. Then, in one fell swoop (actually, I’ll admit, it was a while in coming, seeing all of the red flags I burst through) he did something disrespecful when we were out having a drink. I would’ve left his ass at the restaurant, but he was getting a little wasted, so I waited with him to sober up before he could drive, and then I let the NC guillotine down on him (after telling him, in no uncertain terms, that I DID NOT DESERVE and WOULD NOT ALLOW that type of treatment).
Now I’ve pretty much caught you up to speed. So here I am, dealing with a depression (ah, my old friend) that was *triggered initially* (and not currently) by this whole ordeal of losing a friend and potential love whom I thought I could trust. I don’t get over things as quickly as others do, I’m starting to suspect.
Anyway, you didn’t overstep in any of your comments, T. You are bang on. If something doesn’t “resonate” (overused word alert!), then I’ll let you know without anger. And HELL YES I’ll nail your ass to the wall if you’re straying into AC Land.
True, been on this personal journey for a while. Probably started it sooner than some, as I’ve always wanted to get to the heart of matters. Even as a kid. Plus there was a pervasive sense of needing to have my own back, and pull myself up from my bootstraps, from a young age. Despite having at least one parent who really, truly loved and cared for me. Still, nobody’s perfect.
I know you’re right about us taking the time to heal our wounds. Sigh. I just get SO FRUSTRATED with the healing process. I’m not good at inactivity, waiting, patience, faith. None of that. I’m good at riding the rails, biting off more than I can chew, working my ass off. But life is giving me the smackdown right now, and I’m forced to do all of this “quiet time” healing business. It’s bloody hard ass work. Any suggestions?
Teach,
Oops, just realized we may be straying precariously into “off topic” territory. Well, comment to me if you feel comfortable. Or work it into other posts, if you want. No worries. Nat, I’m trying to respect your rules.
I have been doing a lot of reflection regarding my life and my relationships. Many of Natalie’s articles have been hitting home. Currently I have begun dating a man, I like a lot, so I am really evaluating and observing both mine and his behaviors to make sure this is a really good thing and not something I am trying to mold into something that I want.
Hmmm… thankyou for sharing with me/us Rev. It helps a lot. What an amazing, strong woman you are for standing up to that AC & going NC! Well done!!
First & foremost I want to be mindful of respecting Nat’s forums guidelines too. So here’s what I will do:
I’m bookmarking this thread so I can refer bk to yr post & try to keep in mind those basic details when I read your future posts. No doubt a bigger picture will emerge as I catch more of yr posts when I am here…
I’ve also been thinking about what you said about my posts being amoung those you really pay attention to on BR & I realise I sort of brushed what you said. Rejecting compliments is one of my very old low self esteem behaviours. I recognised what I had done at the time but I didn’t know how to respond.
Because I was so young when I got into therapy, throughout my life, even much older people have often noticed, that I possesed (in their view at least) some sort of wisdom beyond my years (I say in their view only, as in Buddhism we are taught never to see ourselves as wise, for if we do, in that moment, we cease to be open to learning & become not so).
To this day I still struggle, much like when we first learn how to be assertive, & we accidently come accross as aggressive & overshoot the mark, with how to be humble & I really want to learn this very important skill. No-one likes a know it all or a person who is full of themselves (which I can come accross as sometimes, without meaning to) & sometimes I fear that by accepting a compliment I might come across this way! (silly huh?)
I have classic see saw self esteem where I sometimes think I am either ‘better than’ (ie how many could have survived my upbringing in such good shape? Not many, so look, there’s the evidence, this is total BS thinking btw! LOL) or ‘less than’ (i.e. my childhood was shite. I didn’t learn the things everyone else learned properly. How will I ever catch up to others? Also a load of BS! LOL) When I’m travelling well, my self esteem is somewhere in the middle. (i.e I’m good at some things & not at others. We all have strengths & weaknesses & that is ok b.c I don’t need to compare myself to others. They have not lived my life).
On the other hand, I need to learn to say thankyou when someone is recognising something in me that I know is a genuine strength, as you have done. Thus, thankyou. That was hard for me to say. Phew. Now YOU are MY teacher. X
Nat and Ladies..It has been some time since I have posted…If anyone remembers me I am the lady with the Guy who was an angry Narc and dissapeared….Well so much has changed in my life,and I owe alot to Nat and all of you…After reading Nats book that she so amazingly sent me up in Canada..I read and reread to the point of people at work teasing me.
I became strong and starting really dealing with “me”and I stopped making it about the angry asshole…I no longer think of him,and more importantly I have been meeting great people.I had a wonderful freind who saw me thru all of the bad times I was going thru,and the other Day he commented on how much Ihave changed and for the better..How smart and secure I have become..Well that just made my day..I will never settle again or feel hungry in any relationship…I love being single,I am ready to date,and have no problem doing so,But at the end of the day,I love who I am!!!I pray for all of you who are hurting,and just know how special and wonderful you really are!