INTERVIEW - The Countdown of V

January 19, 2006 by NML

Larissa is a mid twenties and is something that most people that read this site can’t claim to be, and that some of us possibly wish we still were - a virgin. She didn’t set out to have the V-card, but like a growing number of people out there, she’s an accidental virgin. There just hasn’t been the combination of right time and person, and unfortunately, like a lot of us, having the virginity doesn’t stop her from being attracted to unavailable men. Within days of starting her blog The Countdown of V (no longer publishing), she got a mention in the Washington Post. As the title suggests, the blog charts the countdown to losing her virginity, but also gives an entertaining insight into how she got here in the first place.

It seems that you’re an accidental virgin. If you think back to when you were a teenager, was there an age that you had in mind for losing your virginity?

In my young teens, when I was around fifteen or sixteen, I remember thinking I was going to wait until marriage — so I guess I’d say in my early twenties. However, as I grew older and went to college, I realised there was NO WAY I’d wait till marriage. I wanted my wedding night to be enjoyable! So it was really just a matter of waiting for that ‘right guy’ to come around from age twenty on. Each year I kept expecting it to happen for me, unfortunately this cycle hasn’t stopped as I approach my twenty-fifth birthday in a couple weeks.

Was there a particular moment when it dawned on you that your virginity wasn’t going to be just let go of?

I’d probably say on my twenty third birthday. I was no longer in the safe little bubble that college provided, and I had a successful job in New York. I used to say to myself, ‘Well first I’ll get to where I want to be with my life and then that decent fella will show up.’ So where was he? And I always knew that I wasn’t going to lose it in a one night stand. I’ve know people who have done this, and if that works for them that’s great. But for me, it almost feels like I’d be doing it just for the sake of losing the social stigma of being an accidental virgin and I don’t think that’s the right reason at all. Trust me, I’ve been tempted. I got myself in a situation with a gorgeous guy I met out one night, and I was just the right amount of tipsy to not care — almost. Another five minutes would have made all the difference. But I pulled my stuff together, left, and surprise, I never heard from him again. I have no regrets. In a time when there are probably a fair few of us who think nothing of the guy we lost our virginity to, you are one lucky girl.

Do you realise why other women may feel that you are lucky that you still have your virginity?

Oh yes I do because right now I have no regrets. Some women lose it to someone they care about and I think that’s great. There are others who’ve lost it to someone that when they think about him now they can’t help groaning — so I can see why these women might envy my situation a little. But trust me, no matter what the situation, the grass is always greener on the other side. I envy them for the emotional maturity that comes with it that I can’t relate to yet. And we all have our own share of baggage no matter who we are. My friends often tell me that my not having baggage is in fact my baggage!

Do you feel like a role model?

Oh not at all, and I’m not saying that to sound humble. If it were my intention to be a virgin after all of these years, if I were holding on to it for a higher purpose, then perhaps, but as I said earlier, I’m not. If anything the most exciting aspect of my blog thus far has been the responses I’ve received from other AV’s of varying ages — guys and girls. They’ve thanked me for making them feel less alone, and giving their ’situation’ a voice. But that just makes me one of many, not a role model.

How do you think you are perceived by other women that know you personally?

Unless you’re a really close friend of mine (and this goes for guys and girls) odds are they don’t know — well this has probably changed a little since I started the blog, but alas… I’m outgoing, confident, have a successful career and a good number of friends. If you met someone like this would you think them a virgin? Although how many people would you consider are virgins in their mid-twenties anyway? When people find out about the V-card, they usually are pretty shocked. Maybe it would be less stunning if I were less social, quiet and shy, who knows. But as I said before, I’m not alone in this. In terns of how I think I’m perceived after they find out it’s hard to say. Typically I get questions like — are you waiting until marriage? Are you really religious? — but the people who really know me mostly attribute my situation bad timing and of course, wanting the guy I can’t have.

How soon do you tell guys that you’re a virgin, if you tell them at all?

That’s a very good question. These days it really depends upon the situation. If a guy is one of my really close friends, then of course he (like my close girlfriends) will know. If he’s not a close friend, then he probably doesn’t. Just like his ‘numbers’ are none of my business, my lack of any is none of his. This doesn’t mean I don’t hide this fact when asked, but at the same time I’m not introducing myself like ‘Hi my name is Larissa, can you tell that I’m a virgin?’ Well, unless that ‘he’ is someone reading my blog, haha. In terms of dating someone, there have been some guys that have known and there have been some who haven’t. It really depends on the level of emotional intimacy I develop with each person. If he looked like he’d be sticking around, I’d tell him. If not, I wouldn’t.

The story of the Mormon guy is quite funny. Larissa met him at a party where he had a 6-pack in hand. It later transpired that he was a Mormon and that the 6-pack was for someone else. Picking up on this key piece of information, Larissa did a bit of research online and studied relationship etiquette, which meant that instead of having a cheeky snog and a feel, she decided to content herself with a hug. She wasn’t even sure if they were dating. I was confused by this guy as I felt that if he approached you as a non-Mormon, then he couldn’t have expected that you would know the etiquette. In hindsight, do you think that you may have made too many assumptions based on your research and it would have been better to ask?

Ha! You aren’t the only one who was confused. If who I am was so different from what his religion told him he was supposed to look for, then why me? My answer? We just clicked. He’s probably the last guy I’ve really had that real magnetism with. No, not because he was sarcastic, or unavailable (he was none of these things) — he was just that good guy. Okay enough mushy musings here. Yes, I agree with you that I made the situation silly by Googling ‘Mormon dating.’ I should have just asked!

Do you have parameters established now that would determine whether you sleep with someone or not?

I wouldn’t say I have really strict guidelines, per say, but there are few things I consider. For starters, I’m not going to lose my virginity in a one-night stand just to be rid of it. I know people who have done this, and while it might have been the right decision for their circumstance, it wouldn’t be for mine. To ‘do it’ to be rid of a social stigma that I think is silly in the first place, well, would be silly. At the same time, I’m not waiting for marriage and my first doesn’t have to be the LOVE OF MY LIFE. It will be someone I care about, someone I trust. If I’m with that person for a few weeks, or a few months, I’ll know when is right for me.

Both you and your friends have mentioned that the type of guys in your life has had a lot to do with why you still have your virginity. They are either unworthy of your time, or you don’t realise how great they are or their interest, until the window of opportunity has passed. On Baggage Reclaim we talk about patterns, unavailable men etc and do you think that you have established a pattern which is inadvertently blocking your opportunity?

Why yes of course! Part of the reason for the blog is to figure out just what that pattern is.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Wow. I’m going to be honest and say I have no idea, and I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m more than okay with it — it keeps life exciting. I’ll still be revelling in spontaneity and (corny sigh) hopefully I’ll have someone to share it with.

Any words of wisdom for the readers?

Embrace what makes you stand apart. Well within reason — if you stand apart by doing something like picking your nose, well, you might want to keep that to yourself!