Our troubles with unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) is a popular topic of discussion but it occurred to me recently that whilst these emotionally, spiritually or unavailable men are a very real issue, the female behaviour needs to be inspected a little more closely under the microscope.
I’m loathe to believe that there are a lot of thick women out there that are gluttons for punishment and just love to keep going for the unavailable, and I do believe there is a very real probability that the men are unavailable and the women have commitment issues.
If we continue to forge relationships with men that only give us a hint of what they could ‘potentially’ deliver and then we ultimately end up being let down and unfulfilled, it is all a self-fulfilling prophecy because we are not putting ourselves into the zone of being with a man who could even begin to give us what we want.
Do we actually know what we want? I’m not so sure.
We think we know what we want, we say we know what we want, yet we do a very different thing and ultimately actions speak louder than words. I think that most of us whether we are male or female are conditioned to a certain extent to pursue a union of two people that is supposed to result in a committed relationship, possibly marriage, possibly some kids and the happily ever after (cough, cough), however thinking about it, discussing it and expecting it are very different things to living it.
There are a lot of women out there that are unhappily single, yet the type of guy that they will ultimately chase after and have a relationship of sorts with, is a man that can’t find it within himself to be available to her. His version of available is calling her when it suits, treating her like a booty call, running hot and cold, being elusive, and telling her that if the situation were different he’d be with her in a shot. Her version of availability is that he should want to be with her as much as possible, she should be the only woman, not one of many, he sees a future with her, they socialise together and the relationship is legitimate and out in the open because he is sure of his feelings for her and can’t bear to be without her.
If this is what the woman wants, why is she with a Mr Unavailable?
I think it’s time to explore the possibility, that somewhere deep down inside, women like this are afraid of commitment. There is something that holds this woman back, ebbs into her subconscious and allows her to place herself with people and in situations that do not lead to commitment. When it all goes wrong, these women get to be upset, be miserable and nod their heads in a sure-fire agreement that men are a pain in the arse, unavailable and that they’ll never find happiness. It gives them permission to be right and they don’t ever have to properly address the reason why they aren’t getting commitment and how they could ultimately end up alone, or attached and unhappy. Because remember ladies, just because you ‘have’ the guy, it doesn’t make you committed. You could be just as miserable as you would be if you were single! Making a semblance of commitment with a guy who doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow with your relationship is a one sided thing and a guaranteed trip to Misery City.
Committing to someone in the true sense of commitment is a very scary thought for most people, but plenty of people do it, despite all the tales of divorce and heartbreak. Giving yourself entirely to someone and trusting them with your heart, your feelings and essentially your life is a bloody scary thing! If we have witnessed examples of it all going tits up with someone close to us, say at a very young age, or even took the risk once of letting it all hang out only for it to end in tears, something internally in the back of the mind, or for some people at the forefront of their mind, decides that they should protect themselves from these situations. Like damage control.
The fact of the matter is that if a woman met a guy that was half way decent, that truly cared about her and wanted to have a proper relationship with her, that would scupper that secret fear of commitment because she’d have to make the effort and put herself at risk. An unavailable guy (even if he is decent) removes that fear because ultimately, deep down we all know the way the story goes. I’ve said it many times: If a guy doesn’t want to be unavailable, he won’t be. You can try everything in your power to change him, but if he doesn’t want to, he won’t. Often when it’s all over with you, he meets someone within a few months and next thing you know you’re hearing about the marriage notice.
I wonder sometimes do unavailable guys recognise something in the women that are attracted to them which gives them a sure sign that they can be however they want to be. I’ve been asked whether we’re giving off a scent, are we saying something in particular, do we have a certain look?
No, but the very act of giving them your time and energy lets them know that they can be unavailable with you because they know that if you’re willing to play ball with them, you can’t really want to be committed anyway.
And in case anyone is in doubt, this doesn’t absolve these unavailable guys of their responsibility, but we are the only long standing cast member in the soap opera that is our life, which means we have to look a little closer to home first, and we may start to make some real progress. We can’t change them, but we can change our attitude.
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{ 3 comments }
I agree with your honesty. It is interesting that no one has responded. The reason, I think, is that Society has conditioned us to think that women can never be to blame. The fault is always that of men. How can it be that women could be guilty of commitment phobia? No Way! This is a man’s problem, period.
so true
Hmmmmm its 5 in the morning, and I’m slowly becoming addicted to this site….why? Well because Almost everything I “knew” to have been true,but still never wanted to acknowledge to myself is staring at me in plain black and white!
Hahahahhaha gosh, I cannot reiterate enough how true this topic is!!! I’m 28 years old, pretty, educated, smart, funny, ladylike everything a man could want…..yet I’m STILL single! I’ve continuously blamed it on the guys…no oh no, but in actual fact it was ME who has a commitment phobia….I choose men whom I can’t date seriously. Take for example:
When I met him 2 years ago, there were sparks, intelligent conversation, stars in our eyes…but he told me from the beginning we could NEVER have a “traditional” relationship….due to him being jewish and I muslim…his family would disown him, disinherit him from the family businesses, he would be outcast from the jewish community,his friends….he didn’t want to risk all that just for me…(a silly muslim girl)! Well I told him where to shove that condition! A month later,by some weird chance we started becoming friends, I travelled a lot, he would call, text or email me everyday….I was gobsmacked that someone whom couldn’t tell his family and friends about me but yet he was investing so much of his time on me….it was a first!!! I loved the attention he gave me, the lending of his ear to my stories and ideals and vice versa.
We started to see each other more and more frequently…I was in love and so was he, but he was always shy in telling me he loved me…his love was in his actions towards me
I believed the more he spent time with me, the more he’d get to see how special I was, not just some silly muslim girl, that he would grow to love me so much that he would want to introduce me to his family……but as weeks turned into months, I would occassionaly bring up conversion and us becoming official and not keep seeing each other everyday in secrecy – but all I got from him was that the status quo would never change!
The more I asked, the more he kept telling me he wants to continue his family’s legacy and not bring shame unto them by marrying out of faith…but as he told me those things, all I could “hear” was you not good enough to take home to my family….you not good enough to take home to my family…you just not good enough!
As more time passed, I actually started to believe I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t educated enough, that I wasn’t smart enough, that I wasn’t succesful enough, that I wasn’t perfect enough……these became embedded into my thoughts, into the recess of my mind and heart – it ate away at my soul, it tore me apart, it eroded my self respect, my self love, my pride and my dignity! I was ashamed of myself cos I felt I wasn’t good enough…..but why didn’t I leave? Well because I believed he loved me….but I also thought to myself, if he loved me why couldn’t he be proud of me to take home to his family?!!!
I was in constant battle with myself….the more I hated myself, the less confidence I had to just walk away……..then the hatred I had for myself I projected onto him…..I did things to make him hate me, shout at me, we started to argue every single f******g day and night!
We EVENTUALLY called it quits after two years of self torture and all the fights….he now hates me to the point where he doesn’t even want to speak to me! Till now, all he can see is what I did to him…..but can’t see what his conditions and restrictions did to me, how it f******d me up!
I lie here and I now fully know that if I never had a commitment phobia, I would never have entered into that relationship to begin with! I know that I have little respect for men and for relationships cos of my father having a mistress when I was just a kid and I saw what it did to my mother (they still together after 28 years) but that messed me up, it was a catalyst to why I am the way I am!
But I’m tired, I’m tired of dating the unavailable men, I’m tired of putting myself up for such hurt!
I just want something real that I can build with towards a future