Relationships are not to be so painful. I would end this. I read your post and that is what I feel.

There are millions of good blokes all over the world and many of them are not married.

Being involved with a married or otherwise man reflects self punishment. This must stop.

Buy the NC ebook now and keep it near. Do not contact this man and when he calls you, tell him kindly its over and best of luck. Be firm and move on with your precious life.

While he finally DID leave her, he didn’t end up with me. I don’t believe now that he ever intended to be with me – I think I was just an ego stroke.
If he had thought I was as special as he pretended, he WOULD have left her in the first month or so after he and I had met.

If I had not been lying to myself and willing to be a fallback woman, I would have known his hot air was never going to be backed up with any kind of concistent action that mattered – and moved on without looking back out of genuine indifference since he wasn’t offering what I wanted or needed in the present. Little things like caring, sharing, respect, love and committment.

Now that I have had much time to reflect, I am clear that if he HAD broken up with her for me, he still had no desire to work on his issues, let alone awareness of them.
The game playing he did with her, the ongoing lies and half-truths, the evasions, the fighting and drama he felt was love – the same would have played out with me and ugh, it would have been a nightmare.

I was lucky in a way that I didn’t get what I wished for, although I cried for months and months and months about it then.

What I’ve learned the hard way then and since – is that if I meet a man IN ANY WAY involved with another woman, no matter how unhappy he says he is or how dissatisfied or on the verge of a break-up or divorce — my answer will be WHEN YOU CAN BE 100% COMMITTED TO ME ON A DAILY BASIS, THEN I AM AVAILABLE.
Until then, I’m in the kitchen busy making sure each pretzel has the right amount of salt on it. Don’t call, don’t write, don’t waste my time.

And I won’t waste my time hoping and cooperating in the delusion that will just cause me grief and disaapointment.

Als, now even if a man DID – I wouldn’t trust a man who left his partner for me. I’d know if he did it to her, he could do it to me.

Aurora´s last blog ..Academy Awards 2010

this is an interesting read, thankfully this is something that has never happend to me. It’s one boundary I’ve always been very clear on. Gosh, felt good to write that, it’s a reminder that I actually do have some boudarys and not be so hard onyself I have been cheated on though and that was awful enough. Reading this gave me insight into what some of my poor friends have been through or a going through. Hopefully I can offer a bit more understanding to my friends.

You wrote this answer as part of a question the other day:
dangerous to be a fixer/healer/helper with someone who is an addict – there issues take precedence and if you want them in spite of their problems which existed long before you were there, when they deal with their problems, they associate you with the negative part of their life, the negative cycle.
I wondered if this would also fit for partners who aren’t addicts but have problems, emotional ones? I ask because I was a fixer/helper in the last relationship and definetly had the distinct feeling towards the end that somehow he had started associating his problem with me. In fact I’m sure enough to say I ended up being blamed. Yet I know the issues were there b 4 me and are still there after me. It was very upsetting to take the time and love to help only to somehow end up in his eyes, as the monster.
Take care