i went through a bad breakup from an abusive relationship, and he was always there for me as a friend. then we began falling asleep together and just cuddling, which we knew wasnt right, but justified it by saying it was a means of comfort. a few weeks ago while we were sleeping, we began touching each other over our clothing. neither of us were fully awake, it was just happening as we were dozing in and out of sleep – seemingly as a drunken state, yet we were completely sober. the next day we talked about how that was a bit too far, and we cant let it happen again.

two weekends ago, we were camping (just the two of us) after much debate on whether or not it was a good idea. we gave in, and promised each other that nothing would happen. sure enough, as we were sleeping, we began touching each again. it was the same drunken, half asleep feeling, which ended with both of us masturbating. the next morning was awkward for a bit, we both felt terrible but we put it behind and went back to acting as friends.

last weekend he stayed over again, and absolutely nothing happened. although we kept waking up together in the half-asleep/drunk feeling state, we cuddled and that was it, so we thought ok good! we can do this!

then last night, we ended up having sex on 4 different occasions throughout our sleep. up until this point, we had never even kissed, just touched each other and ourselves. we always seem to wake up at the same moments when we sleep together and this time we just naturally went for a kiss and it led to a lot more. we have been talking this morning since he left, and we both know the other person is not entirely ok with what happened. what adds to it, is that as usual, we we were both so half asleep that we are still trying to piece together the details of everything that happened.

obviously i am still the OW, and it is still cheating, but since we are best friends the situation seems different. what confuses me is that i have never gone into this dreamlike/drunken feeling/half asleep state with anybody ever, and neither has he. yet it happens every single time we sleep together.

help?!!

I’m sorry you had to experience this.

So happy to hear that you’re seeking therapy; you sound like you are very emotionally aware.

I wish you the very best, and hope you find the happy and loving relationship you’re seeking.

Hugs!

Thanks for pointing out my “hypocrisy” in now having trust issues (which I never had before)… but I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable. I was betrayed and deceived for over a year in horrible ways. She used to call me while the other man was going down on her. It was one of their fun little games. Then she’d come home from “the gym,” take a shower and act like everything was normal. Sometimes we’d even have pretty good sex after she had been with him.

All the while, I was totally oblivious. You live through that and not develop trust issues, and I will recommend you for sainthood.

I’m not getting involved with anyone until I get myself straight, but I’m telling you right now that what the other woman goes through is NOTHING compared to what the betrayed wife goes through, not that it’s some kind of pissing match. I mean, come on, she bore his children and put up with a lot more of his bullshit than the other woman did. The other woman got only the best of him — the gallant lover, the romantic, the friend — which is why other women go crazy for these guys — they’re not real. The wife got shit upon.

Ladies, if he’s married and he’s pursuing you, it can only lead to ruin. He’s a scumbag. If he really likes you and his marriage is really “over,” he’ll give you a call when the divorce is final.

Oh, I will be able to trust and love again… I think. I’ve got a great therapist. I won’t get involved with anyone until I can do that because I don’t want to be an assclown or EUM. And I’m proud of the fact that I never cheated.

As for my wife, yes, I do blame her along with the married man. You have no idea the amount of rage I felt, how foolish I felt, how betrayed I felt not only because she spread her legs for another man but because she talked smack about me with him, totally re-wrote the history of our relationship, etc.

Funny how this works.

I note that I was single for a very long time, through all of my 20s, and felt that I, the 100% innocent and good woman (who, btw, was a virgin until marriage at 30/almost-31, and who NEVER cheated, ALWAYS had integrity and resoect for men, etc etc.), “paid” for the mistakes and sins of women who DID cheat, lie, jerk men around, etc etc. WHICH DID NOT MAKE SENSE. Especially b/c I knew that I had a good reputation all-around AND that men found me attractive. Yet men were always “too scared” to ask me out, or would verbally tell me, “Oh, like you never cheated”–they’d in effect be telling me that I wasn’t as “good” a person as I made myself out to be. Many of these men also bitched about how “no good women” exist anymore!

See how the above analyses of myself and Billy’s and Allsion’s comments all tie together?

So, questions:

1. Why is Billy acting contrary to his own beliefs/values/advice?

2. And why did the “men” I knew do the same? AND WITH AN INNOCENT WOMAN?!

See, given my own past, and given that I wasn’t so delusional and lying-to-myself about anything, I trult think that the men ARE the problem today. Not all. But most! They are MISERABLE and want nothing less than what is “PERFECT”– when that either doesn’t exist as they define it and/or when they can go get it when they feel like it. (In other words, “I know you are still single. I’ll F**k around while you sit here and wait for me. BTW, thx for the signs that you are interested! Now I KNOW that you’ll wait for me! See ya later!”)

I think that Billy is a bit of a hypocrite.

Go reward that good woman with the Great New You! She will deserve it, so much, no doubt!

I sympathize with you.
I so agree with the selfishness of it all, no one considers what the spouse or the children experience in these situations.

I’m curious as to why you do not put your wife in the same category as the man, as she didn’t seem to consider your feelings for one moment?

I do hope you will be able to trust again, as there are many of us who do value a monogamous relationship.

As a devoted married man whose wife took up with a scumbag like the one you describe, I can assure you that it is not normal for a man to cheat. There are plenty of good guys out there. I hope you find one… or that you’re happy alone.

The bright side of this is that you can learn your lesson and stay away from married men. The ones who cheat are all selfish bastards. Any man who would treat his family that way is no man at all. Any man who would treat his lover like that is no man at all. Any woman who would find anything remotely attractive about such a jerk needs serious help.

Sorry if that seems harsh. I truly hope that you heal and move on to something much more fulfilling.