Comments on: Itâ€™s not about blaming yourself with emotionally unavailable men

By: Bebeshka

Bebeshka — Wed, 27 May 2009 23:37:10 +0000

By: Gaynor

Gaynor — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 19:22:47 +0000

JD,

I’m sorry. I know how you feel: deceived, betrayed, cheated and rejected. You’re absolutely right, get out early before they can really hurt you.

Does this idiot have any idea of what he did to you??

By: JD

JD — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 18:48:11 +0000

I recently had to get away from an emotionally unavailable man. We dated for almost a year before he could even say I was his girlfriend. Then, after 9 months of being official, I broke up with him because he constantly put me last on his list. He always had something to do, always went out to the clubs. I asked him to include me in his life. He didn’t. After about a month of break up hell, he said he would change and I thought started over. We were talking everyday, he said he wanted to be with me and we both said we weren’t going to break up again and we were going to work out our issues. After about two months of back togetherness, I asked him to change his status from single to in a relationship on his myspace and he said no, its not the right time. Then I asked him if he was my boyfriend or if he wanted to be. And he said he couldn’t be that right now, but could we still hang out. I’d been with this man for nearly two years and he’d been unavailable the entire time. He broke my heart. Get out early. Don’t stay like I did because it just hurts more the longer you stay involved with Mr. Unavailable. If he wants you, you will know it, and if he REALLY doesn’t, you will know that it your gut too. I know I did and it just leaves you feeling unwanted and empty and unloved.

By: NML

NML — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:37:06 +0000

Hi, there have been no emails sent. Please clarify what email address these were sent from and which one to. I suggest that you use the contact page http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/contact – please ensure you have the appropriate information to authenticate your claims. You also need to state which comment you are referring to – there were 20 comments before yours. As you can imagine, in an effort to avoid spam issues, you will have to get into contact with me. thanks

By: barb

barb — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:31:47 +0000

I would like to ask you to remove the above to a post. They refer to a friend who has being embarassed on the web by an imposter. I have had similar postings removed from other sites and will hope you would do the same. I emailed you about this but they kept coming back. Thank you.

By: KK

KK — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:42:11 +0000

Brad K, you are very on point. I am now trying to break away from a man that has a great job, attractive, smart,etc. We enjoy(ed) surface level things immensely: watching t.v., going to shows, talking about current events, but when it came to developing intimacy, I got a LOT of “i don’t knows” and more often silence. Talking about emotional matters was almost equivalent to a meltdown if not a great deal of frustration! After the first three whirlwind months of cards, late night talks, cuddling and playing with my kids, eventually I did not get compliments, affection, nor anymore of the deep personal talks. After I love you, telling others my kids were his stepkids, I started getting that he didnâ€™t want such a serious relationship, that playing with my kids made him miss his own, that he wasnâ€™t so sure anymore. Yet I stuck with it, despite his formerly abusive marriage (to him not her) and continuously psycho ex wife’s tirades who used the children to hurt him as well. He is not close with his mother, actually more annoyed, nor his sisters, he had one VERY close friend whom just passed and has acquaintances from work. Needless to say, I felt very lonely even with him. I could tell myself in my head I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t leave because his unavailability made him safe and there was and still is STRONG sexual chemistry. I hurt now that I am trying to let go in the worst way and to make it worse, because I always knew in my head, but didn’t leave then-he now comes out looking like a king; I feel like an idiot, cause heâ€™s trying to get away from me (lol). I want to hope he changes and loves me, yet at the same time I want to leave but not looking like some nut job needy Nancy, you know? I wish I had had your advice earlier instead of dealing with the emotional hell and comeback journey I am presently beginning to go through. Keep up the good advice – regardless of what technical reasons your words may not sound “politically correct”. They are HONEST, STRAIGHTFORWARD, TRUE, NEEDED and RIGHT ON! for someone who is fresh out of it – Thanks

By: NML

NML — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:03:59 +0000

Hi ‘but…’ I doubt that you intentionally seek out these men but there is something sometimes in the energy that we give off or we are drawn to subtle things that we don’t necessarily recognise as red flags. Now you’re having a lucky escape by them not choosing to pursue you and either something about you says that you’re not unavailable like they are or you’re choosing a particular type of Mr Unavailable. I regularly suggest to people that when in doubt, do a bit of crime scene investigation and get a pen and paper. Jot down good and bad points about them, how you met them, things that you drew you in, how he behaved, what he’s told you about himself or his past relationships. Cross reference the info against what you write down about other men in your past. There is a pattern here somewhere! Also note how you were with them. Were you for instance, aloof, did you tell them that you really wanted to take it further, did you sleep with them, not sleep with them. Basically hunt down your pattern. I will write a post about this in the next few days and post a link

By: but...

but... — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 22:02:12 +0000

My problem isn’t even being in relationships with mr. unavailables. I usually meet them, have one or 2 great dates, and then they tell me they were just dumped recently or aren’t ready to be in a relationship. This keeps happening over and over again to me and I don’t know what to do. I have never been able to meet someone that I like that likes me back AND wants a relationship too…So I’m not even allowing them to be with me because they are the ones who end it, they don’t string me along…So what do you say to people who only find unavailable men?

By: julie

julie — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 20:46:10 +0000

Great articles- keep up the good work!

By: Chase

Chase — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 21:38:01 +0000

My unavailable boyfriend came HIGHLY recommended although the first clue should have been that not many had ever met a girlfriend of his! He traveled alot as a Capt. so we all chalked it up as that. He is friendly, outgoing, everyone loves him. But once the chase was over he started to detach and act out of charachter. He came on very strong in the beginning and was my fairytale, my happy ending. Duped again. But oh thank you for the strength these comments give me. If I thought he could communicate and work through these issues I’d certainly give it a go…but it’s me putting 75% and him barely at 25% at this point. “I don’t know what to say” is a common phrase these days, alternated by ” of course I care”
ugh!

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 15:06:40 +0000

Cheekie, about “Although I do try to stay away from alcoholic fashion designers that sit on city council.” I realize you meant this in jest. Really.

What I had in mind was picking the hottest babe or hunk in the bar. The most excited person at a protest, political rally, or other primarily activist or political event – as Foster points out in ‘Secret of My Success’ you confuse the energy level with attraction. Politics and fashion are both about coercion – making you think or feel or believe something the organizer wants you to experience. The effect is very much like deceit, and is only occasionally about your best interests. Which makes fashion and politics almost as bad an occasion to look for a person with good character as the “last call” crowd at the neighborhood strip joint. Don’t ask.

If birds of a feather flock together, be most alert for a prospect of good character at events and locations where people of good character might hang out – grocery store was a cliche a few years back, for good reason. Or church – let trusted friends and elders know you are interested in finding someone, join the choir, classes, teach Sunday School. At work – looking for a mate is different than looking for a hot date, be aware of office politics and gossip, respect is the key here, respect for self and others. Various volunteer and community involvement projects.

This may sound more boring, but doesn’t expose you to as many flakes or drug-influenced or shady characters. Besides, you want to spend the rest of your life with a great person – that is used to seeing you in solid, family-oriented type settings. You want the significant person in your life to think of home when they think of you, not that bar in Tiajuana .. where there are more hotties if they get bored.

By: chnadoll

chnadoll — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 13:54:21 +0000

Hi Brad,

Thanks for all that you’ve articulated. I truly believe that character value is key here. I am go through my last phases of this emotionally void relationship & do believe I am a product of missing love from dad .
I’ve never really meet anyone close in my partners life. Not the really supposed close ones… I’ve even met his whole family but the ties I feel are all superficial. My own relationship plusses with him are all on the surface. We have great fun together with much activities in the agenda. We are learning to communicate better. What falls short is the matters of the heart, the tender moments, the expression loving affection that have not grown after 15 months. Sex had become mechanical after one point of closeness. End of story. I believe I am a very happy person but would enjoy hearing words of endearment… I love you, I miss you, you matter in my life, you are beautiful. I don’t believe these are unreasonable to ask for and when those words are not to be found, I really realized that he just was too selfish feeding his own ego & me along with him. If he doesn’t feel it after all this time, it’s not going to happen anymore.

Thanks!

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:47:02 +0000

True enough.
Although I do try to stay away from alcoholic fashion designers that sit on city council.

If lies and deception come into play, that is not your fault and I would hope that no woman would ever blame herself for being deceived. If the flags were there, then take it as a lesson learned to follow your gut. But some guys (and girls) are very very skillful at fooling people. Although these types are definitely not the norm…

I have never dated anyone that I didn’t have some personal reference for (save a few misguided attempts at the online dating thing – again, great on paper, but in real life? they just wanted to ‘hook up’).

Friends, common ‘hang outs’, school, work colleagues…all great places to start. At least you have the comfort of a ‘reference’.
Not that it always works, but hey, gotta start somewhere…

I agree that if someone is a complete loner, and if you ask around and no one really knows anything about them, then yes, that is a major flag.

We all wish that everyone could have healthy relationships with everyone in their lives, including family, but as you mention Brad, sometimes the healthiest thing for many of us is to not have a relationship with them.
That denotes maturity to me, and knowing what is healthy for you.

It is never easy, never cut and dried, never what we ‘always dreamed of’.
But it can be just as satisfying, mature, fun and healthy as we want it to be, whether or not both involved are shining examples of ‘normal’

By: Brad K.

Brad K. — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 00:33:33 +0000

I guess maybe I am talking about a character checklist. But that is just a ‘first cut’, a standard of behavior. There should be people that make that cut – neighbors, friends of relatives, people you encounter at work, shopping, during company outings, and at worship. Maybe a couple of other places, although I think if alcohol, fashion, or politics are involved, your risk factor triples and your chance of picking a ‘good’ mate prospect get really slim.

But once you find one or more that meet the character challenge, you still have to get to know the person, their interests, their skills. Their chemistry. Whether you can tolerate their ‘laundry *does* go in the corner of the bedroom!’ foibles. But if you can red-flag the deceivers, the abusers, those that can’t be trusted, you should have just run-of-the-mill type stuff. It might work out, it might not. You still have to find out if adapting to this barbarian .. er, prince/princess .. is worth the joy they bring to your life.

Not everyone has strong ties to their family. Sometimes that is a healthy thing – not all families are healthy. So that cannot be a check list item – but it should throw up a caution flag. Other bonds, to friends and others, would be even more important. At the very least, if their family wasn’t healthy, they have little healthy experience to draw on, for forming their own family. This kind of baggage can be dealt with, usually, if you recognize it in time and deal with it appropriately.

Lies and deceptions? Where can you go with a relationship, if it starts with monumental disrespect?

Starting with basic character traits before anything else might indeed be a checklist. But it is only a starting point, and no where near complete for deciding to date or commit to a person. That has to depend on who you are, and who the other person is, and how you get on with each other.

Enjoy!

By: cheekie1969

cheekie1969 — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:31:44 +0000

And I do know of what I speak, lol!
I have been privy to many many different kinds of men in my 30 some odd years. The ones that look good on paper are rarely the ones that work out. Unless that is all you want and you don’t mind that.
Maybe I do go for the more dramatic, emotional relationship. That’s who I am.
That doesn’t mean I am trying to change or ‘fix’ someone, as Brad states.
If you read my comment carefully, I said we should ACCEPT other issues, differences etc. It is more a matter of finding someone with matching baggage.

You cannot ever expect a clean slate, emotionally speaking, of anyone over the age of 25. It just isn’t realistic.
Our grandparents didn’t, nor any before them.
We only came to expect perfection when we were told that anything less was wrong. It isn’t wrong, it is human.

Never ever allow yourself to get involved with someone who is so emotionally troubled that it negatively affects you. I have been there, and it is probably the most damaging thing you can do to yourself.

However, do not expect a man (or woman) to not have at least one issue, or some carry-on sized baggage. You will end up constantly disappointed that you can’t find the ‘perfect man/woman’…

Everyone’s level of acceptance is different.
What I am suggesting is that you and ONLY you can make this realistic, compassionate request of YOURSELF. No one else’s ideal, no one else’s ‘checklist’.

We all have our issues, and frankly, I wouldn’t want some guy passing me over because I have a tendancy to worry (which of course denotes anxiety).
Does that mean I am a bad choice? No, it means I am human.