Often when I speak or correspond with people that are struggling to come to terms with reconciling the reality of someone with the perception that they had of them, or the relationship not working out, it becomes apparent that at some point they recognised that they’d made an error in judgement but proceeded anyway.
When you don’t admit that you’ve got it wrong, you end up staying in a relationship long past its sell-by-date, adapting yourself and/or trying to force the other party to change and adopt the behaviours, characteristics and values that you want them to, so that you get to be ‘right’ and avoid what you perceive as the vulnerability of admitting a mistake.
In life, we receive ‘feedback’ both through actions and words which includes what goes unsaid and undone that alert us to an ‘error’ or ‘discrepancy’. It’s processing this feedback and acting upon it that helps to build self-esteem, confidence, and faith in you. You then know that even in the face of uncomfortable realisations and decisions, you’ve always got your back.
Admitting when you’ve got it wrong frees you up to know when you’re right much like admitting when you feel bad frees you up to recognise when you feel good.
Failing to process this feedback causes you to become trapped in denial which opens you up to further pain and compounds the original ‘mistake’ in a snowball effect. It then means that even if the relationship ends, because you put so much effort into dodging the mistake, you become afraid of trusting yourself, and so either end up avoiding relationships to minimise the risk or repeating the pattern in the hope that ‘this time’ they’ll correct the original mistake you’ve worked so hard to avoid admitting and you’ll be validated – trying to be the exception to the rule.
This is why so many people go out with same person, different package – toxic type. It’s like righting the wrongs of the past – if one coughs up and validates, it’ll pay off all the bad debt from all the previous like some jacked up slot machine. You can then say “I knew it was them! See, I was right!”
Not admitting that you’ve made a mistake is like going to a level crossing, recognising your error, realising that you have enough time to turn back and get out of the way, but instead saying “Eff it! The train needs to stop or move.” It’s like making a poor investment, realising that that it’s bankrupt and instead of cutting your losses, throwing more money at it so that you avoid admitting that you made a bad investment. Only thing is, you’re still making a bad investment.
You are human. You love, you want to be loved and you’re also prone to mistakes. Everyone makes them, even people you think are perfect and ‘better than’ you.
When you get indicators that how you perceive things to be is incorrect or needs some ‘adjustment’, it’s like flags going up. At the first or even few flags, while it may be painful to acknowledge, the damage can be limited.
The more flags that you pass through, the greater your mistake, the more distanced you become from recognising the original issue plus you become entangled in the mistake and you can struggle to work out what’s what, especially if you’re the type of person that becomes a Siamese twin and thinks you’re feeling and acting for the two of you.
Much like when I find that people dig their heels in and stay in a relationship for years and then they recognise how much time has passed and then think “I’ve put in too much to go now. It’s 1/3/5/10/X years – that’s just too big to walk away from and I’ve given so much” – this is how mistake dodgers think.
When you look at the implications of the mistake now you think “Oh my God! I’ve come too far and accepted so much! I know I made an error in judgement but I continued because I saw so much potential in them and hoped they’d appreciate my love, so to admit that I made a mistake about that too is just too big.”
People who don’t like admitting they’ve made a mistake when they realise that the person is not what they thought or the relationship that they expected isn’t on offer, get caught up in blaming themselves for the other persons actions while at the same time giving themselves a hard time and busting their proverbial balls.
The thing is, you’re not responsible for Other Peoples Behaviour. You’re also not, for example, responsible for things they say they are and that they promise they’ll do (Future faking) that don’t materialise. That would be controlling the uncontrollable and thinking you’re capable of Jedi mind tricks.
You’re only responsible for you. You can only influence your actions. You can only enable existing inclinations on their part – you can’t ‘give’ them a sudden desire to be an asshole.
The mistake becomes “too big” because by refusing to listen to yourself or to feedback that you’re getting from the person and your relationship, by busting through those flags and shutting out and overriding concerns, you now feel complicit.
This is why when you do eventually leave, you feel so angry with yourself for continuing and not doing right by you. It’s incredibly painful and feels like you sacrificed too much, especially if you stayed for a very long time. You may struggle to forgive yourself but it would be a mistake not to forgive you. Grow out of the mistake instead of flogging yourself.
The truth is, with all the best will in the world, you’re not always able to find out immediately who someone is and what their true motives are. That’s why dating is a discovery phase for you to do the due diligence with your eyes and ears open while you’re having a good time. Dating doesn’t equal relationship or a commitment and you lessen the magnitude of what you perceive to be a bone crushing mistake if you’re not only aware of code amber and red behaviour, but you treat yourself like a trustworthy friend, listen, and act upon feedback.
If you’re going to date, shag, or have a relationship at any cost, the cost will be you and the errors will clock up.
It really is OK to admit that you’ve made an error in judgement – it keeps you on the path of doing the right thing by you. Trying to force people to do what you want or becoming a Transformer and accommodating crap so you can dodge a mistake is just too much effort. It makes something far bigger than it needs to be. The sky won’t fall down. You’ll live to fight another day. You’ll live to love again. But you can never know what you can be or do if you limit yourself by refusing to admit when you’ve erred because you never learn anything, you remain trapped in denial and your mistakes become false truths because you keep living them when you could have moved on from them.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Copyright 2011 Baggage Reclaim
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I’ m so grateful for all the wisdom here, from Natalie and from all BR readers.
I have encountered a much younger man (him 25, me 41) who I’m attracted to. I have had some hints that he’s attracted to me, but you know what?
1) I’m not going to push it or chase him.
2) I’m not going to wait around and see.
3) I’m going to keep right on doing what I love doing and being happy about it.
4) And if it turns out he doesn’t step up to the plate, then all that means is that he isn’t interested.
5) And THAT is not the end of the world.
And I am able to do this because:
1) I have actually learned something from all my life lessons and the good horse sense that I read here at BR; and
2) I am prepared to admit that I COULD BE WRONG about this one; I could be clue-hunting and psycho-interpreting things that are actually innocent, or blinded by the fact that he’s cute and smart.
So it’s OK to make mistakes at any stage in the process, even before there’s a process to make mistakes about!
Also a few tips for No contact
- if you’re maintaining No Contact and someone calls you from a private or witheld number. Don’t answer, let it go to message.
- if you’re on facebook and someone that you don’t know tries to friend you, with a fake name and photo of someone else, reject, it could be them.
- lastly, if someone tries to IM you with a name you don’t recognise, reject!
My ex tried all those, it’s amazing how hard they
try to get you back in their web. They work so hard to get you in the relationship and as soon as you’re in, really in, reeled in, hook, line and sinker they’re out, checked out. It seems that they just need the validation. It’s not even about you. They just need to know that they are irresistable. Don’t give them that validation. Let them be confused, let them go to therapy, for a change. LOL!
@ Aura – I like what you said, it really is not about us at all! It is so about them. Thinking they are irresistible? Heck yea! One time my ex actually kicked me out of his house because I said he was ” an average looking guy” … I mean, he was livid!
“Don’t give them that validation. Let them be confused, let them go to therapy, for a change. LOL!”
Love it! I’m LOL’ing too, at the thought of these pieces of work sitting anxiously in some therapist’s waiting room all scratching their heads wondering where they had gone wrong… well it’s just friggin’ comical! The funny revenge.
Summary:
Bad judgement call on my part.Water under the bridge now. You live and learn. So I made an error in judgement .I felt I lost face by my actions. I felt humiliated. I only have control over my own actions. His actions are not a reflection of me. It really is his problem and not mine. I deserve and will find better. Until then I will keep in mind:
No such thing as an honest cheat. Cowardice was never my match. ACs blow hot and cold. Boundaries: have them & don’t budge on them. Do not leave out the evaluation stage (didn’t know there was one before).Assess. Don’t make the decision right -instead walk away. Just acknowledge and accept you made a mistake. Forgive : release all hurt & anger. Actions speak louder than words. Do his words ( I love you ) match his actions? Don’t get involved in future faking fantasies. Not just his but also our own: our version of him or the potential we see in him. And instead of asking , over analyzing why does he/ did he … ask ourselves why do we let them? Why are we still with him? … this is a brief summary of what I learned today : Thanks everyone
@ Magnolia :
“If the client asks, say, ‘Three weeks.’” …. that made me laugh so hard. I will never forget that story.
@Simone71:
It’s a global thing. BTW I am German Native myself.
An earlier comment said you will start to feel normal after about 8 weeks to 3 months NC….. I would have agreed …..8 weeks NC…except for the text reminding me he’d had a birthday.!
As I pulled up on my drive last night ..I was feeling proud of myself…realising yes I had made a huge error…of judgement …but was definitely feeling more ” normal “…. thanks to reading and re reading BR…..I didn’t feel I had been going crazy due to his dipshit behaviour….. but in the light of NML wisdom ( and that’s what it is LIGHT in the AC darkness )…. I could see him for what he was ….a big pool of nothing…..all talk no action… hurtful selfish….I was actually starting to feel a sense of relief that he wasn’t in my life….. Infact I had been smiling to myself repeating Minkys comment…” its not that we mean so little its that they lack so much ”
THEN….BAM….what is it with these guys….they are like heat seaking missiles….just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water ( cue music from ” JAWS “…… last night my phone beeps text : I was so shocked to see his name on display….I had a strong physical reaction…I actually thought I was going to throw up….heart racing….hands shaking…WTF is that about ?….. and I hadn’t even read the message yet !!!
So he wants to say sorry for hurting me , he really didn’t mean to ( oh yeah )… he wished he could turn the clock back to when we were friends but he can’t. Life still busy ( god I hate that word ) with work , kids , parents , health worries ( yawn ) . And that he wants to be alone..not because I dislike you….but I knew I would hurt you more ( no shit Sherlock ). He wants to tell me he’s not going anywhere , not seeing anyone , not doing anything really…” and that’s the way I want it …sorry ” end of text .
SO !!!! WTF ??? ….why the text to tell me what I already knew… yes I know u hurt me !!…. yes I know u wanted to be alone….u were alone physically or emotionally when you were ” with me “.
It def wasn’t a text looking for shag/ ego stroke/ shoulder to cry on. Infact you’d think I had texted him ? And why have I had such a strong negative reaction …when I thought I was doing so well…??? Was I just pushing my hurt down. Cos I know his text made me cry….and I didn’t even know why I was crying !!!!
fitness
it’s just a text. maybe he was feeling emotional because his team lost at football.
and he IS fishing – that’s why he tells you “he’s not doing anything”. If you had responded, he’d be working towards “seems both of us are alone … maybe I should come over.”
it’s just a text. it didn’t take him long to send and probably didn’t cost him anything either, maybe 5p at most. it’s not worth your tears.
Hey Fitness,
This is just a bump on the road, it is understandable that you’re angry and upset, but if you had responded you would have been MORE hurt and upset. You really are wise to him now, i can see it in your comment. He no longer has a hold over you, he just represents hurt and betrayal.
He text you so you would text him back, simple as. He probably thinks that if he comes over all sweet and apologises, you might get in touch. Or he might be having one of those fits of remorse that i read about in another NML article: “you know [insert AC name here], you really were shitty to fitnessfreak, no wonder she’s not giving you the time of day anymore”. Tomorrow he will be thinking of football or whichever sandwich he’s going to have for lunch and all remorse will be forgotten – because, as i said, *they lack SOOOOOO much!*
Anyway it’s not about him anymore – but look at your reaction to the text – you were not overjoyed like some lovesick teenager: score 1. You were angry at the way he treated you, which means that you now believe you deserve to be treated decently: score 2. You did not even consider for a moment that his lazy words made everything alright: score 3. You have not made contact: score 4. You are not that woman anymore. Yes this may have shaken you, but your ‘how dare he!’ attitude does you credit. One day he won’t even effect you, believe me i speak from experience. One day you get to the point where you could see him polevaulting naked, covered in jelly and you will feel nothing (apart from concern at possibly ending up in hospital with internal injuries from laughing).
I really think you should be proud of your reaction. You are heading in the right direction and look how far you’ve come already!
Fitness,
I fet for you when I read your comment as I feel I have been there (a thousand times!). Sounds like the sort of thing my Mr EU would say (though he was a man of fewer words).
So, I know you say this:
“It def wasn’t a text looking for shag/ ego stroke/ shoulder to cry on…”
But I would beg to differ. There’s a lot going on in that message. A lot of pushey-pulley language. Here’s what I’m hearing – he wants you to be worried that he is not coming back but also to know that he is not ‘hostile’ towards you (which they think is something for you to be delighted about). He wishes you could be “friends” again (no, he can’t and he won’t turn the clock back but he hopes you will to do that for him – hence the message). But he also wants you to know that he’s still “busy” and wants to be “alone” – subtext though is that he doean’t want to be alone ALL of the time.
And the message is that you’ve also not to imagine that he is ‘replacing’ you – there is no-one else – he’s not going anywhere 9(why tell you that?) Hence…. you are good to go! All it takes for you to ‘get back’ to where you were is for you to respond appropriately (according to desired script). He is trying to press the re-set button, or at least to show you the reset button so that you can press it for him – it’s just a lazy, non-commital, non-accountable, woe is me, I still want one foot in if you’re up for it, attempt to press re-set with you. That’s what I am reading. My EU was a master at this stuff, and I fell for it everytime cos by the time he came on that way I was a desperate wreck and would practically be grabbing the re-set button off him! Just goes to show that blocking them is the best thing, as his message is quite understandably upsetting for you. It’s a selfish and manipulative message. They make me mad!!
Fearless, so true. I mean once you are onto this stuff, these texts are laughable to me. It literally says nothing. His translation… RESPONSE = EGO STROKE/SHE’S STILL THERE. That’s it. Such a waste of time. Stick with NC fitnessfreak, this guy isn’t worth your time. Close the door and make room for a guy who does a lot better than a text full of excuses.
Fitness…I hear you. Stay strong. Block his number, email, everything. BTW he was looking for an ego stroke.. He was looking for you to respond, or at least make sure thoughts of him would enter your head. Don’t make a mistake! Stay on track and we will help you through! Hilarious with the JAWS theme..dun dun dun dun…
My guess is that you were crying for: the loss and hurt you still feel, the excuses he continues to give you as to why the two of you can’t have a relationship and the fact that his text seemed focused on his trying not to appear like an assclown!
It doesn’t matter that he wants to be alone and isn’t seeing anyone else, he still is not with you, providing what you need, and that’s the main point, isn’t it?
It used to kill me when I would get upset with my ex because of his utter lack of care & empathy and he would respond with, “It’s not just you, it would be anyone!” Well, hell, that’s cold comfort!
Get back on the NC horse and don’t waste too many tears! Stay strong!
fitnessfreak,
Don’t worry about the why, just feel it all the way through, it will pass and you’ll be back to living your life. Now you know how he *really* makes you feel. I call these moments “AC vaccinations”. When I get real with the feelings and get how bad they really are, nothing nothing nothing makes me ever want to get into that fire again. I don’t have to try to avoid it, it’s not difficult, there’s no struggle, no pull, no desire, the vaccination is working
You ARE doing fine. You just learned something about yourself, that the wound isn’t quite healed and it still hurts when it gets poked. It doesn’t mean anything bad about you or your progress.
If you really want to know why, it’s probably because he’s feeling sorry for himself and trying to dump more of his pain on you to relieve himself of some of it momentarily. It’s not about you.
Hugs and hugs and hugs…to all of us for waking up from the fog.
This really is the kind of stuff that changes the world
fitnessfreak — some people don’t get what an apology is. hes basically contacting you to reiterate his justifications for being unavailable. he sounds both self-righteous and defensive, and behaves as if you’ve been imploring him for more contact and he has to (sigh) put you in your place in a cruel-to-be-kind way. In fact, you’ve been NC and powerful. It’s like he’s texting to his own conscience, projected onto you.
Of course you cried; he’s a nasty piece of work. Delete, do not respond, block.
Fitness,
The only reason he sent that text was to alleviate his guilt . Period! This was all about him.
If you can, I would block the number in case he tries this nonsense again.
Hi Fitness Freak,
My ex did the same thing- I told him not to call anymore, and to leave me alone. He said he would. I started feeling better. Then the phone rang and it was him calling to tell me how bad he felt, and how sorry he was, and how he totally understands that he isn’t in a position to be in a relationship. He also called to rehash his entire sob story, and tell me about the “progress” he was making in resolving his bs.
I got sucked right back into comforting him, giving him advice, telling him he was going to be ok and I watched myself do it! I hate how easy it was to get hooked right back into old patterns but in a way, that’s the point. I feel like crap when we’re in touch, I act in a way that doesn’t put myself first, and that’s why I don’t want to be in touch! It’s not that I don’t care about him, it’s just that for some reason engaging with him doesn’t allow me to care about myself.
Like others also said– think of his text as a reminder of how self centered he is, and of how awful contact with him makes you feel. Even though it hurts, let these things really sink in and use the discomfort to guide your continued efforts to stay NC.
You are so right about that creepy radar they have for timing it just when you are feeling better, more confident, you relax and you let your guard down a bit! I felt the same, physically sick when he suddenly waltzed in after 4 months. You just do. Your body was experiencing post-traumatic stress symptoms. The adrenaline flooding your system is simply a natural consequence of coming into contact again after all you have been through. It’s physiological and entirely beyond your control. It is unpleasant but please do not berate yourself or give it any significance. It is NOT a sign of weakness!
Hi, I’m a guy from Singapore. Just to tell you I benefitted from reading your blog so much. My ex cheated on me and it’s time to move on! The grass on the other side is always fresher.
Magnolia -Wow: “if one *dies*”??!! What are women to him? Pets? Goldfish?
You’ve hit the nail on the head there!
I never got an apology from him btw- just a slow fade out with the ‘busy’ excuse. Then told me about other women and expects to be friends. I don’t get it all. I can’t be ‘friends’ with someone who treated me like that – although obviously the harem don’t have a problem with it. I’m still feeling angry and used, especially as he can’t see he’s done anything wrong. I’ve just been discarded and (he thinks) relegated to the harem as an occasional option. We have another work related event in August and part of me thinks I don’t want to see him, but I also feel that I want to tell him exactly what I think of him. Probably not a good idea. These ACs always get off scott free and go on their merry way, leaving mayhem behind them. I need to get over my anger!
Fitness freak,
You were right to go NC on him. He definitely sounds EU, and he’s saying sorry that he’s EU, but he’s still EU. No need to reply. EU is EU. Don’t worry that he’s told you his EU update, even when you didn’t ask for it, it just confirms his massive ego. Don’t validate his ego with a reply. Let him have the silence he has chosen.
Here’s a trick that helps with NC. If you haven’t blocked his number and still get texts from him, don’t read them for a while. Wait until the following morning (I’ve noticed I’m less likely to get swept along in melodrama at the start of a new day) before opening the text. Or a couple of days later. Your reaction will most likely be, yeah blah blah.
@fitnessfreak
Ignore his lame ‘woe is me’ text. He’s just looking for attention. And you’re way too busy being fabulous!
@ fitnessfreak
i wonder too why they do this
exactly this happened to me….just when i thought i am ok i am breathing again i am back in my life and so on….oops a message……heart was racing hands were shaking bla bla
after that we talked and i fell back into my old feelings
for me i thought he needed an ago boost on my costs…….maybe he needed some narcisstic admiration…….whatever it was
it was mean
i changed my phone number……this was something i didnt plan and wasnt planning to do but to protect myself
good luck
fearless,
OMG! Your experience is what I am fearing. His birthday is June 28 and I know he will contact me, if only to make me feel guilty or want a gift. I would react so much like you. And I am afraid I would cave in. Please let me know how you handle this. I hope you have the strenght, so it can help me.
Aura,
Thank you for your support. Yes, we place too much value on cheap words. When they say “I love you”, we give the key to our hearts and let them keep it locked in their possession and control. I like the salesperson analogy. I tried picturing him last night like the sleaziest car salesman ever saying “I love you, buy this crappy car so it can break down on you and leave stranded all the time”. I actually laughed out loud at the visual. First time I laughed since his MIA.
Rowan,
I understand your oxygen reference. That is how I felt. I felt I couldn’t breath when he would disappear. My chest felt like it would explode. Yikes! That is too much power to give anyone. What’s wrong with me?
Vanja
I have handled it now. Thank God (no, that would be Natalie Lue!). The answer, Vanja, is NC. Distance. Consistent distance over time.
Everybody who has moved on or is succeeding in making the change every day, one day at a time, is continually repeating this – why? Because it works. Just trust in the process. These guys do not care what the rest of your life will look like – YOU need to care.
No Vanja, it’s reasonable to wonder how you would react, but you will not cave in. Visualize! I was afraid I would stupidly go down some garden path with him, but when the time came I remembered all the good advice from here and I remembered all my resolutions. It all came into clear focus, even if all else was an anxious haze. I even remembered to first take a deep breath and center myself! I remembered I had given myself permission to stay completely mute rather than try to outwit a master manipulator. (Trying to react all smart and sassy, pretending to be ‘over him’ or faking indifference amounts to engaging with the narcissist, and engaging is exactly what you want to avoid.) No answer is an answer. His version of events is irrelevant to your life now. You used to be under his spell, but thanks to NC, no more.
This is an open request to speak to any man or woman visiting this site who are former EUMs. I would like a comment on when they changed and why. Because personally, I have acted in a EUM way before and couldn’t live with it for long. I just could’nt be that untrue for a long period of time.
NK,
I changed after the ex. He was my epiphany to unhealthy relationships.
The relationship was painful and drama-filled, and forced me to look at my relationships-in all areas. I had a pattern of choosing EU men and selfish friends, when I decided to remove the toxcity from my life and put my own needs first, things turned around for the positive.
I will NEVER settle for this again, as I have gained self-love and am living a happier, healthier life. For the first time I am looking for a life partner, it’s so nice not to continue my own EU baggage.
Remember, we choose to stay in this drama, if you want to change, you will address your own issues!
Fitness. Block him. I went through the emotional roller coaster like that with the exAC during NC and it slowed my progress. I got tired of the scab being pulled off and realized that letting any contact from him (I never contacted him) was no longer validating but hurtful, no matter the content.
I blocked every form he could contact me (cell, text, email, facebook) and it was a relief. No more land mines waiting for me.
Besides, who cares how he feels anymore. He thinks he can just insert himself into your life whenever he wants, to tell you his needs to be alone when you have not been contacting him anyway. That just sounds arrogant to me. Ignore him. Block him. Let him sit home alone and wonder why you aren’t responding to his ‘plea’ to be alone. This about you now.
“Let him sit home alone and wonder why you aren’t responding to his ‘plea’ to be alone.”
!!Classic
And yes, as somone else said it’s like they want to poke at your scab! Reminds me of Nat’s classic observations – they are like horrid kids who try to kill a small animal and then keep coming back to poke it with a stick to see if it’s still alive.
Girls …thank you for your responses….better than therapy
….and my friends are probably so bored with it ….time spent better with a glass of wine…and discussing things that actually matter !!!
So here’s what I did ( after a text from him this morning ….saying he forgot to say ??.. that although I deserve an explanation….he doesn’t feel up to chats or explanations..right now ( poor lamb….its all that busyness I expect ) …but may be in a couple of months.!!! …… and you know what I found my self laughing ( with Jim Royles voice in my head ” couple of months my arse ” ) ….. oh do naff off !!!
So I put all his stuff in a box ….which he said to hang on to as there was no urgency ( keeping a foot in the door …I’m guessing….see I’m catching on to this BR stuff
and left it by his car….no note….no take care….just markered on the box ” what’s done is done .”
As I drove home I wasn’t crying….I was smiling a big fat smile…..I felt I had left the weight on my shoulders in that box ….( it was full of crap anyway ) …and I felt free …and overwhelming RELIEF…..relief !!!!!!!….that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time !!!!!
Thank you all x hugs all round x
I can’t change my number…as I have to be on call for medical call outs ( just my job ) …. but I don’t have to open his texts anymore…. who needs that anxiety ?? Not me…..when his name pops up….as it inevitablely will….in about 8 weeks….I shall just hum the Jaws soundtrack…Duh..da…Duh day….Infact I may even make that my message alert
vanya…stay strong…I did not sent birthday card or text …it was hard….but as NML said to me it was just an excuse to make contact…..which was spot on…..whereas…I was telling myself I was just being nice / didn’t want to look rude ???!!!!…. err what !!!….. he never minded being rude / not nice ….birthday or not !!!!
Do not send anything…..he doesn’t need or deserve it…as someone posted to me..leave it to his family and friends ( altho if he’s anything like my AC ….he won’t have many left !!!..err red flag )
In the end …he texted me on his birthday with ” it was my birthday today ”
I didn’t answer that either….as NML commented ” no shit Sherlock ” ….that one comment made me laugh …kept me strong…as does BR …everyday
stick in there vanya…..and keep…
Congrats Fitness you are awesome. I remember your first post. You have come a looong way and fast! So proud of you
Fitness, again, I feel like clapping… nope, I am clapping!! See how he likes them apples! (as they say)
I think we were involved with the same guy!..almost word for word… you give me hope and clarity! Thanks! I had exact same bullshit over and over again. Arrogant tosser telling you he’d be out and about throwing crumbs your way in about 2 months (!) and still imagining that you’d sit with your thumb up your ar*e waiting it out and then come clucking for the grain of his words. The crumb is him! You, let yourself be happy now! It’s allowed! No more crap for you!
Vanja,
I’m so happy that gave you your first laugh. That makes me really happy.
Also, my ex’s birthday was end of June, had a call from a private number and nearly jumped out of my skin. But I didn’t answer and they didn’t leave a message.
Sunshine,
Assclown vaccination shots! I love it, that’s brilliant.
Annied,
My ex was also so vain and insecure about his looks. More vain than any man I ever dated. Which to be honest at the time I found really weird because he was very handsome. But I think it had to do with worrying about losing his power over women. One time when I went fNC on him in the past,( it took a few attempts), I didn’t hear from him for weeks, then got a text asking if I’m still attracted to him. Validation seeker…I didn’t reply.
I’ve never posted here before, but speaking of mistakes… I’ve just made a big mistake causing me so much pain I’ll remember it for a long time!
I’ve met my EUM 1.5 year ago. After the first couple of months his behaviour changed drastically- I’ve confronted him and he said “he finds it difficult to get close to anyone at the moment”.
I thought he’s basically saying it’s fine for me to sleep with him, keep him company, but it’s not fine for me to expect anything, and he thinks it’s ok?!? So I broke it off.
Few months later he started texting me again insisting to meet up and I caved in thinking he must know by now I’m not up for anything casual, so he wouldn’t bother me if he wasn’t on the same page. It was an awful few weeks it turns out and I broke it off again.
I found this site as a result of searching for the answers, which was one of the best discoveries I feel!
This was last summer and I haven’t contacted my EUM since, he tried few times in a meantime, but I was just not interested anymore.
Until a couple of months ago- he contacted me, but this time changed his approach. He was talking about wanting a relationship-all the things he never said before. So I started doubting my “knowledge” and after a month of this I agreed to have a go. We had a very long talk about this on Sunday and met up on Monday for the evening, he was very open, and seemed genuinely interested in my life- very different scenario than usual. After I came back home I got few texts saying how nice the evening was and he was planning a night out for us in few days time…
Next day I received a facebook message from him saying he finds it difficult to get close to anyone at the moment and this is the last thing he will ever say to me. And disappeared.
It felt like someone is ripping out a piece of my insides- I really couldn’t breathe!
So yeah- I’ve made a big mistake, but at least I don’t drive myself crazy now what it is I’ve done or said to cause this- I see it for what it is. Still painful now- but I know it’ll pass.
As they say:
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment”
Oh man Trixy, that’s tough. BUT this guy did you a favor… if he hadn’t shown enough signs already let this be the last he ever hears of you. Let him go deal with his confusion on someone else’s dime, you’ve got better people to invest in that actually have the ability to give you something back… consistently!
Trixy,
Oh Lord, is he mixed up! Talk about the inability to take any responsibility!
CC, is right! He did you a huge favor! Be glad you were not involved for a longer period.
When someone tells you “he finds it difficult to get close to anyone at the moment,” or that they’re not good enough. Believe them.
“Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.” Wise words!!!!!
Hugs
@CC yes, after this something snapped for me and I can truly say I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore- the signs were all there all along, I’m just shocked someone can have so little (or none) respect and switch from “relationship talk” to “this is the last I ever say to you” within few hours and not even pick up the phone to tell me this.
@Allison thank you, I was so disorientated by the sudden switch at the time, but I do realise better now than waste even more time… He also said in that message that unfortunately I wasn’t enough to fix him, or at least not for the time being- that made me realise this man will refuse to take responsibility for his life no matter what.
Thank you for the support- it means a lot.
xx
I think all this stuff they say:
not for the time being
not right now
not at the moment
etc…
I had loads of similar from mine and it drove me crazy.
I heard them all. There’s never just a “I can’t give you what you want” FULL STOP…or PERIOD.
Always they have to add the “just now” part, which I figured out eventually (not that I’m slow or anything – duuhh!) was just to keep you hooked in – and it works pretty well!…when you’re desperate you are grasping for any shred of hope and a “I can’t give you what you want right now” to you translates as “but I will another day”!! And they KNOW it does. It’s a ruse.
The “you” I refer to here is myself.
I can’t believe I fell for this stuff so badly for so long. But I did.
You’re absolutely right though! When he told me first time (1.5 year ago) -”I find it difficult to get close to anyone at the moment”, my thought was that “the moment” will pass and all will change.
When he said the same a year and a half later I realised this is his line he probably says to everyone to get out of the responsibility for his own doing.
And yeah, the key is to be ambiguous, so saying “not for the time being”, “not at the moment” etc implies the possibility of the change and keeps us waiting.
Oh I was so silly to get caught up in this myself, haha! looks pretty obvious now, but when you’re in the middle of it… You know exactly what I mean I guess!
xx
There are so many comments that make laugh or smile….. but todays was quite simple from Fearless ” arrogant Tosser ”
Yep…I’d say that sums them up .
Hey fearless….I wonder if we were dating the same guy too ! Was just remembering one of the first times he disappeared for 5 days , I would have been stupidly texting ” where are you ” , ” are you ok ” ,” have I done something to upset you ” etc etc ( man it makes me mad when I think back ) eventually I get a text to tell me he’s being having tests ….for his heart ( yep you guessed it the doctors couldn’t find one ! Ha ha )
And I ended up apologizing for causing him any stress by texting !!!!!!
CRINGEcity !!! Who was that girl ??!!….. cos she sure as heck doesn’t live here anymore
Yep. I was so accustomed to his odd behaviour over a very, very long time that I would just text things like: ‘are you dead?’ or ‘so how much is the ransom?’
The sarcasm was obvious but he’d ignore that and text back any old ordinary bollocks as if it was the most normal thing in the world to just vanish without a word.
Nope, that girl doesn’t live here anymore either!
For me it’s not so much about admitting I was wrong about him as it is coming to accept I was right about him – all along – that I was actually avoiding and denying the patently obvious and continuing to bet on the perceived potential long, long after I should have folded and left the building. In many ways though it’s a relief to finally give up and admit I did get him right, right from the beginning; I just wanted to right my poor decision to stay and slog it out rather than make the right decision to just get out. Natalie nails the problem, every time.
Lol fearless –
I used to do that – if I hadnt heard from him for a wee while and he texted to ‘catch up’ I would answet something like ‘wear a wee flower so I know it is you
‘ trying to be sweet and uncomplaining,
but trying to gently let him know I was onto him…
I will never find myself in a situation like that again, where I don’t feel able to be direct. If someone has behaved inconsistently and I don’t feel I have a right to challenge it – that needs to be MY red flag to me.
Well put, fellow sufferers. It sure is great to FINALLY come out of that mind-frigging fog, but there is the cringe factor – thinking I ever put up with treatment like that from anyone.
Whenever I have a weak moment, I remember how disappointed I am in myself that I was ever that girl.
Of course, I’d be more disappointed if I had been a horrible schmuck like him.
Brenda …you feel like its ” killing you ” now…but believe me this experience will actually make you stronger in the end…more self and AC aware …and if you keep the BR faith you will never have to suffer one of these AC DOUCHBAG pathetic self centered , man boys, with their head so far up their own arses they can smell their own breath in your life ever again !!! …. what a nice thought .
You know, it’s amazing that in reading everyone’s posts, you see yourself and your past behavior so clearly. What we have all done to keep our EUM or AC with us. I see myself having the same kind of texts that I sent too. Apologizing for something I never did, because He disappeared with no word, not me. And then texting I’m sorry for bothering him! I even tried sarcasm, showing worry, begging or pretending that I was so busy (not!) that I must of missed his texts (when he didn’t at all). And then if he texted back, something like “sorry busy” (if he texted at all), he gave no other explanations for missing for two weeks or longer. That was his apology. Just too busy for me. And what did I do, texted back, I’m sorry you are so busy, please take care of yourself, I love you.” Not, “where the hell are you?” or “what do you mean, too busy?”. I never texted that, because I was afraid of losing the little I had. Ignoring all the red flags, day after day, month after month.
This is day 7 and I am in the same amount of pain as day 1, but instead of feeling sad right now, I am furious. Reading all these replies has opened my eyes to see how I groveled for him. Today I was so angry, I was going to send him a long letter telling how bad he was. But then I realized, that was only an excuse for me to remind him of me again, knowing it wouldn’t really matter to him. He won’t be sorry, because he never really has been. He won’t be regrettable because he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. For me, “sorry” was the easiest thing to say, but for him it was, “sorry for what?”
I wore my fur coat of denial for one full year as my Future Faker faked thier way though every holiday and occassion…. I knew and attend family gatherings …. Towards the end they stuck around for my breast cancer scare met my mother & said they wanted to pick out a kitten with me!
The entire year they had their head up their exs ass and a harem of admirers/ exs…
I’m still working on my part in it…I went NC almost a year ago and working on me!
Everyone on NC hang tough , you’re worth it baby!
I have never admitted this to anyone, but here I am about to tell people I don’t know from Adam. My current partner and I were living literally two streets away in Brighton a few years ago, but unfortunately I was offered work away in Birmingham, so I left.
After a few months I stopped all contact with my girlfriend. Why? I got caught up enjoying life away and working hard. After 8 months away, one thing I did realise was that no matter how many women I spoke to or got attention from, all I thought about was my ex. I also had the view to never go back and always move forward once I had made that decision.
However, something inside of me said I won’t be going back if we carried on from where we left off and we could move forward. I’m sure you can imagine what happen next, I spoke to my ex at the time and admitted I have made an error in judgment.
She did give me a run for my money, and I had to prove that I had learnt from the error of my ways. Now we are stronger than ever.
“…and so either end up avoiding relationships to minimise the risk…”
This used to be a MAJOR problem for me. It still is but to a smaller extent now. In general I don’t like making mistakes in ANY relationship (family, friends, etc.) because I don’t like looking stupid. I pride myself on my reputation. But I’ve been learning, little by little, to accept myself for who I am, flaws & mistakes & all. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be, but that’s what makes each of us unique human beings instead of robots. It’s a long hard road, but it can be done. If I decide to date again, I’ll have to remind myself of this on a constant basis.
Vanya.. write the letter by all means ..but do not DO not send it …stick it by the bed and re read every morning to remind you that they are not worth your precious time…you have an AC day free ahead of you ..if you choose !! ….I had a text this morning ” the first two answerst in my crossword today where rabbit , and cute …reminded me of you and I smiled ”
….I know I shouldn’t have texted back …but I couldn’t help it ..as I knew I didn’t give a shit any more
I broke NC contact ( yes I know I know you BR girls will tell me off !! )
to say are the next two answers twat and git ?? Cos that reminds me of you
shame, shame on you for breaking NC…with so clearly a brilliant reply that was I’m sure too irresistible to pass up (let’s face it, he walked right into it)! Now go back into your corner!
Thank you for this post. Of everything I’ve read, i think this post has been the most helpful in helping me heal and be kind to myself for having made a mistake (or seven). After nearly 3 months of no contact, I had a few too many drinks at a party, and called my ex and yelled at him for trying to contact me, despite my asking him not to – told him I never wanted to hear from him again and just generally yelled at him for everything that happened that i never got a chance to say before. I told him I knew about so many things that he had lied about during the course or our relationship, but kept inside, to keep the peace. I also made the mistake of calling him the next day to apologize for saying such hurtful things, and he, again, told me I was too volatile for blowing up at him, and made ME feel awful for calling him out on these things and telling him how I REALLY felt. Regardless of my “volatile” behavior, he met with me and told me how things weren’t really what I believed they were – that the things I thought I knew for fact, were not true (they were). He even rationalized all of the break ups, and said that lots of relationships have their ups and downs, but people who love each other always come back together if they’re meant to be.
Despite how idiotic this sounds, I still fell for it all- he told me he loved me and that he felt victimized because he couldn’t let me go – that his feelings for me had been burdening him (how romantic). I fell for it all again, and then, after we spent the night together, and he told me he loved me, he basically acted as if nothing happened the next day and blew me off. I again begged him to re-think things – after all, we had talked through everything that night and seemingly made so much progress, yet he was the healthy one who was able to cut things off – again.
I feel awful for making a mistake again – I feel terrible for knowing that he was able to play with my mind again, and use me. I feel sad for finding out, one again, that I was weak. I feel like I will get past this, but right now it is just terrifying not knowing if or when my mind will ever just let it all go. I’m just so angry that I could make the same mistake so many times. I feel sad that after so many months of being strong, I relapsed and do not have a shred of dignity left in me.
Margot, you sucked it and saw and got burnt. I’ve done it. A lot of us reader’s here have made the same mistake as well. It’s part and parcel of the learning process of dealing with EUMs. What matters now is that you don’t go back again. Let this be your final lesson and get back to NC. No new contact = no new pain. Be good to yourself, forgive yourself for your error in judgement, and get right back on the NC horse. Work on yourself and figure out if you have a pattern of choosing these types of men. Then you can turn it around, take control and leave these guys to someone else who will put up with it. He is who he is, now you know for sure… now you can move on for sure!
I’ve been there and done that too Margot, as I’m sure have others on BR. We want to believe that the AC has come through for us. Because we wouldn’t lie and pretend and they seem so sincere, we believe them – again, only to find out that we’ve been hoodwinked – again. I told myself that I’d forgive myself and let it go and resume NC. I had a life before him and I’m picking myself up and getting on with my life. If the AC gets in touch as if nothing had happened, to press the reset button, I’ll say he’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship and I value myself more than just a hook up when it suits him. Looking back, my ‘relationship’ was just that. I conviced myself it was more, but the reality is it wasn’t. He has a large harem and at least 3 women on the go. He told me he flirts with them and takes them out- but doesn’t sleep with them. When I asked if it was OK then for me to see other men, he said he wouldn’t mind! With NC, you realise the futility of it all and that life gets better without the anxiety. I’m finding NC difficult and I do miss him and get lonely sometimes, but its a whole lot better than wondering who he’s with, what he’s doing and when he’ll call. I don’t want to get involved with anyone else for a while, but life can only get better. You’re only human. Don’t beat yourself up over what’s happened. Its in the past, so let it go.
Margot,
You fell for him, because there was still a tiny doubt and hope that he’d change and be the man you want. Now you know for sure he’s just a user and is not good for you.
NC, is the only way to get your dignity back. Sometimes it takes a few shots at NC to get there. I am confident that you now see him with clear eyes and next time it will be easier for
you will stick to NC. Personally it took me 5 shots of failed NC, but the 6 th time was easier and stuck. Think of NC as a muscle that you are trying to grow. Lastly, don’t feel bad that he manipulated you back into bed, I’m sure he’s done it to others before and he’ll do it to others in the future, because he’s obviously very manipulative. I dated one of those and to get out is already a win. What’s done is done, go NC again. Good luck, be strong and then come back and help some of the others here.
This is my story:
A few months ago I started NC with my… person. He wasn’t even an ex. FWB I guess, we never called it that though. I was in love with him, and he knew it. He didn’t like me enough to give me a relationship. He said “we didn’t have a future together so no point in starting something that’s bound to end”. He still slept with me for over a year (at least it was exclusive). He didn’t treat me well. Sometimes he’d be mean, and ignore and insult me. And of course I was always an option. But he’d talk to me everyday, hang out with me, introduce me to his friends… as his friend.
So yes, I know you should always want to be with someone who wants to be with you, otherwise it’s pointless. I just kept hope… obvious mistake.
Now he’s with a proper gf. He’s in love.
It was crappy of him to reap the benefits with no real interest in me. Funny enough even after it was over, he said I was the best friend he ever had lol. And he felt bad and missed me, as a friend of course. The sad thing is this is true. But then a friend wouldn’t make another friend go through what I went through. He saw me in pretty bad shape. Though my well-being was not his responsibility he didn’t care much about the fact that he was the cause and could back off out of consideration.
My thing is this – most people’s stories are about a BOYFRIEND who was crappy to them, so it’s expected they’ll probably show some of the same crappy behaviours to their next gfs.
But what about me? I know I shouldn’t care how he is with his gf (I know he treats her better anyway, can’t say he’s suddenly Prince Charming because I did get to know him pretty well, but he’s certainly doing a lot of the things I always wished for). I know I can’t think of the guy as AWESOME, just because someone has low self-esteem doesn’t mean others should walk all over you… but if he’s that much better to her, is he REALLY an assclown?
I’m having trouble that it’s not a matter of “enough love would have changed him”, it’s the fact that his lack of love really made him that much different with me. And apparently someone at least half-way decent with her.
I know it was all a mistake, I take responsibility. I won’t go through this again I’m currently working on my self-esteem. I don’t think I CAUSED him to be an assclown with ME, but I still wonder…
Hi Fuzz -
How do you know how he treats her or what their “relationship” is like???
Fuzz,
This guy is a person who is capable of being mean and insulting, he is willing to take advantage of someone’s low self-esteem, and he can see someone in pain — and continue acting in a way that hurts them. These things are part of his character — who he really is. Has he really changed for his new girlfriend? Almost everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a new relationship, but as the relationship goes on, is he going to keep up this nice facade? Or is his meanness and callousness going to start coming out again?
In any case, it’s not your problem. You are on the right track, working on your own self-esteem, and moving toward a future in which you’re treated with care and respect.
i think forgiving yourself for messing up again is something i need to work on. I had been doing no contact for 2 months, was getting on with my life, and actually felt like i gained control again, then i get the message out of the blue ‘ i miss u’ then the bombarding with messages wanting to meet up as ‘friends’….obvioulsy i caved, we met several times, then arranging to meet everday, then i was stupidly informed by him that he had met up with another ex just before our regular meets, who was bombarding him with messages about wanting a relationship…..was like some kinda conga line…….i said if hes treating me like a fool he can do one, he cried, said he wanted me , always wanted me and to be m b/f and could we take it slow. I thought he had changed so STUPIDLY said yes……
so whos the fool now as that was friday, and on sunday he took great pleasure in reminding me we are no together, he doesnt want a relationship after being under the thumb after his last, needs to be selfish and do wat ever he wants, and pretty much said he just loved the chase.
i feel like a big idiot and have to start again from scratch…..so im payin for my mistake and misjudgement and dam right blinded ness..with another broken heart
@ Laura
Don’t feel bad, sometimes it takes a few shots at NC. Don’t beat yourself up, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and feel good that atleast now you can do NC without having any doubts that he’s changed from a frog to a prince. Sounds like he’s pretty manipulative, especially switching on the water works and then changing his mind.
You’ll be better off without him.
Once you are NC for 3 months you get a clearer head and feel better. It’s amazing how much you can get done when you are finally free of
these manipulators.
cheers thank you
i did no contact for a week after the post, he pestered me with txts every 10mins…then i went to an event yesterday with my family and he was there, i ignored him but my family didnt and i had to cave otherwise i looked incredibly rude…..so starting again from today …..i can do this 
Thank you for your replies.
As it turns out apparently the girl he’s with actually has low self-esteem; she’s been with asshole bfs before who didn’t treat her well, including a drug addict. She adopted his religion (which is very strict) when they FIRST started exclusively dating just to please him, and even her friends don’t want to hang out with them anymore because they find it so annoying that she basically became a clone of him and lost her “original” personality.
I feel a bit bad for her, but I admit I feel better in terms of my perception… I’m sure he’s nicer with her than he was with me, but in the end she’s just another girl with her own problems. She’ll take all his crap (as I did) until hopefully she sees she deserves better and gets some character of her own. She’s only 23 anyway. He’s probably being himself, bossy, demanding and a general pain in the ass and she’ll take it; if it’s really been that bad before for her she probably thinks she found the man of her dreams.
And it really has nothing to do with me! I knew this already but sometimes you need a nudge to really believe it.
Just goes to show you can never assume anything…
Fuzz,
How do you know all this? It might be easier to move on from this guy if you are not tracking his relationship.
@Allison:
A mutual friend told me. We were talking about other common friends and it came up.
Now I know it’s best to just disconnect completely, my friend actually knows this and avoids telling me anything, but I guess that just slipped, and the conversation progressed as I admit I got more and more curious.
Information can work 2 ways: it can really mess you up, or in very rare cases it can be helpful. I got lucky this time. It gave me a weird sense of closure I hadn’t felt before. Most of the time it’s not worth the risk, plus it’s feeding into something that you should be letting go.
I have both of them blocked off in FB and avoid having anyone tell me about them (except for this slip-up), and will continue to do so. I have been focusing a lot more in my own life, I feel better than I have in a long time (even before this knowledge) though I still have a lot of work to do on myself.
And now I just feel more invigorated. Not because I don’t wish them well, hell, maybe that’s exactly why they deserve each other and “why it’ll work out”, and they’re both happy this way. I know I wasn’t, and wouldn’t have been happy even if he’d committed to me, he’s just not a good person. I don’t want a mediocre selfish guy treating me a bit better than the rest, I want a NICE person who loves me and treats me REALLY well! It’s just getting rid of those annoying of “why her, not me”, and “their perfect relationship” thoughts is something I’d been struggling with for a while, it’s nice to finally let them go.
I’m STILL doing this. Dealing with anxiety, depression and unemployed, I just feel like there are no options right now. But I know that what Natalie says is true: “It makes something far bigger than it needs to be.” What a lightbulb that was for me just now. The end of my marriage would not be a national event. Not many people would even care beyond the first few weeks, not because they don’t care but because it really wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of ME and who I am and want to be. I don’t want to be this person who hides behind a faulty, doomed relationship with an EU. I stood on my own for so long – what makes me think I can’t do it now?
One question I have that has been bugging me for a while is this: Can a person be emotionally unavailable without being emotionally abusive? Doesn’t the behavior of someone EU constitute abuse? Is emotional abuse just EU gone too far?
@Fuzz – “and wouldn’t have been happy even if he’d committed to me, he’s just not a good person. I don’t want a mediocre selfish guy treating me a bit better than the rest, I want a NICE person who loves me and treats me REALLY well!” this is something I’ve recently come to realize about my EU. He would treat ANY woman this same way. It’s really not me. I’ve spent much of my life thinking it’s me (with some help from abusive family) that it’s pretty tricky for me to think outside that box. My EU amps it up when we fight and when he thinks I may be pulling away. Otherwise I am the maid, cook and generally not worth speaking to. Ugh.
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