I was reading an article about pattern breaking this morning and the author Chris explained how use of social media like Facebook and Twitter are similar to the dynamics of playing the slot machines. “Hit with even a small win every once in a blue moon, and you’ll reinstate that pattern incessantly”, which is basically how casinos make their money basically bleeding you dry.
When you’re inclined to talk about ‘good points’ and ‘good times’, or you chase a ‘feeling’, you are someone feeding their energy, emotions, and esteem into your Relationship Slot Machine. The tendency to talk about ‘points’, times’ and those feelings is highly indicative of an non-mutual relationship, which you’ll notice that like an actual slot machine, it’s one-way traffic.
I’ve heard from countless readers who will invest everything including their dignity into a relationship, while leaving a scorch mark and dust where their life and identity used to exist, even thought the object of their affections is actually only putting out crumbs.
Experiencing a ‘win’ in these ‘relationships’ is mind effery though because:
1) Over-giving magnifies and distorts what’s actually going on. If I’d been pumping everything into someone who was giving back minimal returns, I’d make a big deal out of something that in a normal context, I wouldn’t see it as such as big deal. You also have to recognise that when you’re in the territory where you’re actually neglecting yourself in pursuit of the ‘win’, then really, them giving you a minuscule amount of attention is going to make crumbs look like a golden loaf, as contextually, you’re not giving you very much either.
2) A ‘win’ suggests that there is the capacity and likelihood for more to be experienced. If your imagination and hopes go into overdrive, you’re also likely to forecast and expect that the subsequent wins will be bigger and better. In your excitement at experiencing these occasional ‘wins’, you may fail to realise that the win is the same or even less than before, especially when you factor in the amount of time, energy, emotion etc that you’ve been pumping in.
3) You don’t realise how bonkers the whole thing is. You focus on the reward, the feeling of the win, the buzz of the mission, and in truth, you also prefer thinking about and pursuing all of these things than dealing with your fear of rejection, or what you’d have to do with your time otherwise, or even some uncomfortable truths. It’s bonkers though, that you would have to gamble for someone’s affections and invest so disproportionately in the first place.
4) The ‘house’ always wins – what you ‘spend’ along the way may mean that when you ‘win’, you end up losing because you’ve cost yourself you in the process, often doing things that at best leave you feeling embarrassed and at their worst, humiliated.
Ever watched that episode of Friends when Phoebe is in Vegas and there’s a lurker hanging around that swoops in and nabs the jackpot each time she moves away from her slot machine?
Well the reason why you’ll be reluctant to walk away is that aside from the whole coming so far and investing so much that it seems too big to turn back, it’s actually the perennial fear, that someone else will come along and your Relationship Slot Machine will decide to spit out a committed relationship and change of character jackpot. And let’s be real – you may even be aware of the lurker that’s waiting to swoop in.
But really, how long will you hang around keeping an eye on your shady investment on the off chance that it will give you a big enough win that will secure you ‘permanency’? Do you really want to live your life being afraid that the moment you walk away that they’ll spontaneously combust into a better person in a better relationship? It doesn’t matter what they might or could be in your imagination and based on your fears of what you think you’ve done to ‘make’ them this way (trust me, it’s not about you) – what matters is what’s happening right now and before, which gives strong indications of what comes next.
Going back to the idea of sticking with an incessant pattern, it’s also important to recognise why it’s called a pattern – even the spitting out good times, or good points, or highs is part of the repetition, but it’s not about to do it all the time, which means that you’re never going to win in the way that you want to:
- an all round person instead of ‘good points’ person
- a steady relationship
- intimacy and just being instead of chasing and trying to recapture a feeling
It’s better to be with someone whose pattern is to be consistent in character, action, and ‘meeting’ you in the middle of a mutual relationship. Do you want to be ‘high’ on a once in a blue moon win while battering your self-esteem in the meantime, or do you want to be in a mutual relationship with love, care, trust, respect, and shared values in it?
I’ve never had much to show for any of my shady investments besides a very distorted view of myself and love, less money, some clear heeled hooker shoes, a fat headache, and plenty of “What the eff was I thinking?” memories.
Relationships aren’t about gambling in the sense of you attaching yourself to someone and a situation that represents ‘winning’ love against the odds and basically getting them to make you the exception to their rule of behaviour. Relationships do require a certain amount of healthy risk, but it’s two-way because they’re copiloted and if it’s not mutual, rather than bankrupt yourself, it’s better to know your limit and your value and walk. Leave the unhealthy relationship casino – there’s a fabulous you that already exists within you plus a better relationship, to discover outside of it.
Your thoughts?
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship is now available from my bookshop along with with Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Both books contain lots of tips for breaking unhealthy patterns.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Just finished reading something that goes quite well with this post – destructive faults in ways of thinking. One of them brought (relationship & other) gambling, as well as failed business ventures, to mind:
“10. Trying to diminish losses by continuing to pursue a previous failure. – Sometimes called the sunk cost fallacy, this is a thinking fault that motivates us to continue to support a previously unsuccessful endeavor. We justify our decision to continue investing in this failed endeavor based on our cumulative prior investment, despite new evidence suggesting that the cost, starting today, of continuing to pursue it outweighs the expected benefit. The logical thing to do would be for us to cut our losses and change our course of action. However, due to the sunk costs we have already invested, we feel committed to the endeavor, so we invest even more time, money and energy into it, hoping that our additional investment will reverse the outcome. But it never will.”
Hi Guys,
Well, im just over a month split with my ex, and haven’t been able to retain NC as he makes it so bloody difficult, knowing im still vulnerable, turning up at my house, being nice, being nasty, trying every way possible to either convince me that he loves me ‘more than anything’ or that it was all my fault and I need to take a good look in the mirror at myself and resolve my own issues. Although I havent kept NC I am starting to feel a lot better about everything and committing myself to NC for good. He asked me to go get naked and take pictures with other guys and if I did that our relationship would be good and it would right all the wrongs from the past!? WTF… He then gets angry at me for telling people his business and says that he feels betrayed, hurt and rejected and that ive made him feel like a sicko / paedo and that he is perfectly normal. He thinks because he has attended counselling sessions 3 times (this is his sixth attempt – he never stays in it longer than 3 months) that he has the right to lecture me about change, saying that he doesnt think that I am ready for it!!! I have told him he cannot give me what I want, that he says is because I want too much apparently. He just wants someone easy going – AKA puts up with all of his crap, his abusive behaviour, his blowing hot & cold, his rejection, his demands. I am slowly, but surely, after nearly 4 years of being in the relationship from hell and worrying that he will change for someone else, getting nearer to thinking that my life will be better, that I will meet someone better, and that for short term pain I will achieve long term happiness. I am not afraid of being alone so much anymore. I am 26 years old. It is now time for me to do all of the things I want to do, to relinquish the passion I had for things, and to give the love that I gave to him to me. Thank you BR for just being there.
Big Love.
XXX
cherry-
good, break free from this guy. (taking naked pictures with another guy will make your relationship better?? wha…? o.O?? in what universe? no!!!)
he’s awful, and you’re at an age where, if you learn these lessons now, you willl absolutely change the course of your entire life for the better.
and if i may:
- NC means not discussing his business with other people, certainly not anyone who will repeat it to him. have your confidantes, but be otherwise completely aboveboard with impeccable behavior. he doesn’t deserve any notice, so he should not be able to detect that he is even a topic of conversation. do not feed the drama in any way.
- NC means you don’t argue with him about … well, anything. NC means NC. period.
- and don’t worry, you won’t be alone, you will find someone, but you must learn NOW to choose better. you want a guy who is straightforward, respectful, decent, honest, clear about what he wants, and consistently good to you. at first this guy will seem boring, but trust me, you’ll be glad you chose wisely when you’re able to have, eventually a good, healthy marriage + kids with a guy who fits this description.
good for you for breaking free of this.
Hey Cherry,
I’m so happy to hear you’re still fighting for yourself and telling this dictator-posing-as-boyfriend HELL NO!! This guy really terrifies me; he is NEVER going to go away so I would recommend making a plan for escaping him (e.g., move if possible, and then when you do, get a new phone number, get a new e-mail address).
As for him saying ‘you need to look in the mirror,’ that is classic turn-the-tables mind-eff-ery. He’s going to pull out every stop, and you just have to turn yourself cold against him.
I have a question: where are you friends in this situation? They may not know how much you need them right now, so you have to tell them, so they can get behind you. My mom, sister, and best friend have been calling me regularly to make sure I’m holding strong on not getting back with the new AC; I’m not sure I could do it without them.
Picture yourself in a long hurdle race. You have to jump over these hurdles, but at the end lies happiness – and probably even a super-cute sweet guy! You’re so young, girl. Live it up.
Wishing you strength xx
P.S. Cherry, if you haven’t yet, you and other readers of this blog might want to read books like Robert Greene’s The Art of Seduction, Neil Strauss’s The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists, and Mystery’s The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women in Bed. I hear guys (even the good ones, who are my friends)) referencing these books all the time, so I know that they have been more than a little influential on today’s dating scene. Anyway, while these books aren’t 100% evil, they rely on a fundamental principle that a man who wants a woman needs to bring down her self esteem, so that she’ll turn to the guy for reassurance, allowing him to get easy sex and (if he doesn’t want to leave it there) dominate her throughout the relationship. In this dating climate, women should probably arm themselves with this information, to better recognize what is going on.
It’s funny; I was incredibly attracted to my new AC during the first week, in this really intense gut way that I couldn’t understand. He admitted later he was using tricks from those books, including “negging,” “kino,” even doing magic tricks
When I went to look into these books, I found that they had influenced him in other ways, and a lot of the whining-to-get-what-he-wants, turning-the-tables crap that he would pull on me is detailed in these books as well.
holy crap, snowboard. thanks for the tip.
Snowboard,
Interesting.
I have heard of these books. What strikes me – and disappoints me – is that all the women’s books on dating are basically about ‘how to get the relationship you want’ / ‘how to get a man to commit’ (not that I am recommending these) while the ‘dating’ books for men are simply tips and tricks about ‘how to get an easy shag’.
Depressing.
Snowboard, I am warned. Can’t believe those ACs are making a living out of it and spreading their AC ways.
There is a whole PUA industry out there, they offer seminars and trainings, just google PUA and see for yourself how many forums there are and what they discuss and read. I was on a female happiness forum once, then checked out the male side, offered by the same person, well, they really study how to induce trance-like states and suggestibility by gazing, sending and similar techniques to pierce through the natural defense mechanisms of a woman.
I had a quick look and convinces me that if I ever decide to do online dating, will meet them VERY soon so they can’t build up a fake image and hook me (and then I might be slow to face the truth when I meet them). I tend to assume that people are decent until proven otherwise, especially if we have things in common, like someone is instantly alright because we can talk about music for half an hour. (not that I’m a Bridget fan but-) Note to Self: the next time you meet a man, the jury is out until their actions show who they really are.
@Snowboard – good heads-up to learn the game from the other side.
I know my last guy did things which I assumed meant he cared right from the get so – behaving oh-so-like a gentleman, opening doors, and if we met somewhere, always waiting on the porch to walk me in….incredible, lingering hugs and deep gazing into my eyes during slow dances…..writing cards full of simple endearments….various things like that which made me feel special and as though he liked/loved me as much as he claimed (plus, of course, good conversation, fun times, ah yes regular hops in the sack, etc.). When he was finished with me, he quickly dumped me and moved on like a meal he was finished with, and was hitting the singles bars again within a week to run his plays again. I now wonder if he read books like this, and they were all just plays he ran – clearly they did not come from his heart. It’s all a form of future faking….faking period….which totally sucks.
Looking back, it seems that he just likes the game and the challenge itself. He’s a popular, attractive guy and man can he go through the women. He told me I was “different”, and indeed, I lasted a whole three months with him!!!
@ Broadsided & @ snowboard –
Are you sure we didn’t date the same guy? Popular, attractive, has a beautiful 10 year old daughter, very successful at his job, displays his persona of perfect dad/family oriented/honest…but behind the scenes he’s a fake.
He did the same to me…ran these “plays” while he was running plays with tons of other women all the while trying to get back with his ex gf of three years. Then I found out he was on Adult Friend Finder, Ashley Madison, Craigslist, etc….trolling for god know what.
He displays this outward appearance of perfection but it a totally different person behind closed doors. And nobody knows. It baffles me. He has put on a show for everyone. I don’t understand how he does it. One must have this amazing ability to compartmentalize their life to carry on like that for so long.
I’m angry and hurt and obsessed about he might go find someone better than me and have a good relationship with them. I’m angry that nobody knows the real him except me. Its infuriating. I’m also pissed at myself that I care so much.
Cherry,
Have you considered a restraining order?
Best wishes for the new job Magnolia x
Relationship addiction is a classic amongst many women! It is just as destructive to the self as an actual physical addiction, and can leave you emotionally bankrupt. It is really hard to break, and in my job I see so many women who would rather spend money following their partners and finding out what they’re doing, than just walk away. After so much time and energy invested into the ‘relationship’ (and I use the term loosely here), how can they just throw in the towel? Unfortunately, it takes a few wet towels thrown back in their faces before they give up and wake up. Makes you wonder if it might just be better to be single for a while until someone decent comes along… but many women feel they can’t face being on their own, and that crushing feeling: ‘Oh my gosh, what if I am on my own forever?’ Well, I think I would rather that than have my self-esteem steam-rollered every day, waiting like a hungry dog campaigning for scraps. It doesn’t sound like much fun to me.
oh dear ..been there done that..why did i not know any of this stuff as a young woman..oh well ONWARDS !! UPWARDS!!
even more holy crap. the art of seduction is online, here: http://www.seductionbook.com/
just glance through it – it says flat out that no perfectly satisfied, secure person can be seduced. you have to target a victim (VICTIM!) that is insecure or you can make insecure. that’s pretty evil, and is all the more reason why we all need to jack, JACK, *JACK* up our self-esteem.
cc, that’s creepy. someone suggested before that maybe my ex-eum had read one of these books – i thought it was a crazy idea but now am not so sure. it’s important to flag it for us. these books are really popular, they seep into culture even for those who don’t read them, and it creeps me out that the readers clearly don’t like women, want their friendship, respect them, see them as equals. none of the men i now know would do anything but ridicule it, there are so many decent ones out there, but it’s really helpful to know that this and similar books are a kind of mainstream and plenty of the ‘normal’ ones think like this. ugh!
D’you know what’s depressing, thoughbut? They don’t WANT a person with low self-esteem cos that won’t make them feel any better about themselves – which is the whole point of the exercise in the first place. So what’s the point?
It’s like: Hey, drag someone down to your level and then maybe you’ll feel better about being at your level! Eh? No!
Bleg, sick taste in mouth.
Lessons Learned,
Re Being 26 & ‘still having plenty of time’. Please do some research into female fertility. At 30 your reproductive potential begins to declines rapidly. Many women are already unable to have a child naturally by this age. Unfortunately, the feminist movement left out the small matter of fertility when it sold us the lie that we could ‘have it all’ ie family, education, kids, the big career etc. If you want children, (presuming yr not done with that yet), I imagine you would want to spend at least a few years really getting to know the man you’d consider being the father of your children. So actually, you may not have anywhere near as much time as you think. Just something to consider.
Kind regards. T.
teachable
my sister got accidentally pregnant in her mid 40s – how we laughed! On the one hand she’s giving her 16yo daughter sex education, on the other …
For those who want children, I wouldn’t rely on this well-known phenomenon ( my youngest brother was a surprise baby too) but 26 IS still plenty of time PROVIDED the next five years or so aren’t spent in crap relationships. There have been a lot of babies at work recently, all to women in their 30s and 40s.
If you’re 26 and worried about it – you can get a fertility scan. Though they might tell you to save your money for sexy lingerie.
I’m not saying ignore the fact that fertility declines with age, but putting ourselves under pressure (must have a baby, must get engaged, must get married) can have the counterproductive effect of keeping us at the slot machine. “I gotta do it, I gotta do it, I gotta do it. I already spent to much!”.
And even if we don’t want children or to get married, we’re not spared from the need to have our wits about us and flushing the no-hopers as early as possible. None of us – whether we’re 15 or 45 or 75 – can spare the time to have our self-esteem kicked about the place.
Great advice Grace. I’ve bought the ebook, and it certainly makes a strong case for not getting back together with him.
He told me last weekend that he still loves me, and was saying “Wow it’s six years since we first started dating, we’ve been in eachothers’ lives for so long now! We know eachother so well!
I’m not falling for it this time!!
I found the hard thing not only facing that he didn’t truly like me – and that he wasn’t interested in a relationship with me – but that I had deceived myself! I couldn’t even blame him because all the evidence was there – I just didn’t want to know. I have only just broken it off and now that the missing him is wearing off I feel so much better – I even respect myself. But it is so embarrassing realising how many times I analysed what I had done, convinced myself he had issues it wasn’t just that I didn’t inspire him towards a relationship, that he was just an arse who would want me if he wasn’t such a wanker, that he was inexperienced with women and would learn – that over time he would like me as he did in the beginning, that it wasn’t working becuase it started when I was on the rebound, that he was immature etc etc. I believed, utterly, anything other than what was stareing me in the face – he didn’t love me and he didn’t like me enough to want a relationship with me. And somehow I thought that if he didn’t no one would. I also believed him when he said he is such a nice man (he believes this utterly) but he isn’t being nice to me so oh no even a nice man behaves badly around me becuase I just don’t inspire men love and respect and men! But I realised that his standard for what is a nice man is too low for me – I expect a lot more of a nice man than his behaviour! He may think he is nice but I think he is disillusioned about himself and I do not think he is decent man – he is sometimes nice and sometimes dishonest and a user – not good enough frankly! I didn’t realise that he genuinely thinks he is nice but if he doesn’t love me and want a relationship with me it means I am not good enough so using me for sex if I agree to it is ok as I am too flawed for anything else anyway. Well actually, I disagree with him. He doesn’t have to bloody like me for me to be a great person, he’s not so special as to decide that cause he doesn’t love a women she goes down in worthiness – he just has a job with authority and the power gone to his head. I brought what he thought – and he thought I don’t want you therefore you aren’t good enough for a relationship – I believed that was “a truth” – rather than just his opinion (and a dumb one at that given I am attractive, nice, intelligent and have friends and with good values -…
A bit of curious googling has led me to a disturbing cyber planet called “the manosphere” (I don’t recommend it!) If I was ever in any further danger of falling into the futility hole of the ‘relationship casino’ never mind play its ‘slot machines’, I am well cured!
I hope I am not out of line if I post here a shortened example of the ‘diary’ of one of these ‘man’ blogs. He’s talking about one of his booty calls trying to have the ‘relationship talk’ with him:
“Basically, she doesn’t get [...] that if she is getting emotionally invested, it’s her job to have The Talk early on, probably even before she starts having sex with a guy. She naively assumes that she can just f*ck a guy 25 times, fall in love with him, never discuss what he wants out of it, and then he will magically feel the same way as her.
[...] She is [...] frustrated that at this juncture, I don’t want a relationship. She is trying to decide if she can keep going, keep seeing me and sleeping with me.
[...] the fact that she is clinging and acting like she is my girlfriend makes it all the worse. This might just be the final straw.
I don’t really participate in the conversation much, just letting her talk, and saying “Uh huh” once in a while [....] I keep thinking that I would just tell her it’s over and send her home if she wasn’t so drunk [...]
Eventually she calms down and we have sex. The following morning [...]
I was glad to be rid of her [...] of course by that evening, she was already calling me again. I didn’t answer.
I really need to put some space between us right now. She’s a nice girl and I don’t want to hurt her, but her expectations are unrealistic. Here’s what I wanted to say to her:
What do you value more: A relationship, or sex? If you value a relationship more, then you shouldn’t be having sex until you’re in one. You’ve been giving me free sex for almost two months, whenever I want it. Why would I want to sacrifice my freedom, my time, and my ability to b*ng many different women just to keep getting the same thing I already have?
For women today… giving away sex for free to any man who demonstrates some “alpha” cred, they will end up in de facto harems [...]”
This is an example of a typical ‘slot machine’? Player beware!!
Yes, typical and spot on topic-related.
I spent some time on a male forum, for a fly on the wall learning approach, it was very eye-opening.
I just realized I’ve been married to the “slot machine” for six years (second marriage for both of us, no kids together but kids from previous marriages). He’s an emotionally constipated guy with chronically low self-esteem. What do I do now?