Jaqs Untested* Dating Strategies #1: Astrodating
During a recent foray into the battlefield that is modern dating, I faced once again horrors of dating. At the time, I treated all expeditions as ‘dating experiments’. Evidently, one of them must have worked to see me unable to test any future theories. Instead, I set you the challenge of performing the experiments which I am no longer able to.
This week’s strategy involves dating through the use of astrology as a guide** in meeting and capturing the attention of suitable members of the gender(s) of your choice. Please note that I don’t personally subscribe to this Zodiac foolishness, with the exception of a sadly obsessive daily glance at my own sign.
To follow this method, simply select a sign and then follow the simple instructions to find and catch that particular sign.
Step 1 – Select your target sign
I compiled this chart according to the results of various Googles. Depending on what you are looking for from a partner, choose a sign you would like to date based on your sign. If you are looking for:
• Someone you can be happy and harmonious with – choose pink
• Someone for a good bit of chemistry, but too much rollercoaster riding for long term romance – choose red
• Someone you really can’t be bothered with – choose green
• Someone that may prove either to be your soulmate or your worst nightmare – choose white
I won’t go so far as to tell you the traits of individual signs, these are easy to find. Google the signs you prefer to see if you really want to meet them…
Step 2 – Find and catch your match
To find the right sign, you may choose to walk down the street asking random people whether they are your chosen sign – be careful though, looking like a freak may not be the best strategy for ensuring a date actually occurs. Use the tips below to find and grab the attention of your chosen sign.
Aries
1. Dress comfortably in red or scarlet.
2. Stumble in front of a bus outside a busy club at closing time and watch an Arian come to your rescue.
3. Once they’ve rescued you, they’ll get angry at you for getting in danger. Get angry back – it’s a real turn on.
Bonus tip: Be honest and direct, feed them garlic.
Taurus
1. Pay careful attention to your clothes and make-up – wear green.
2. Go to your local pub, or take a stroll outdoors.
3. Be outrageously sexy.
Bonus tip: Buy them chocolate and plenty of food, food, FOOD.
Gemini
1. Dress like an interesting, exciting person, preferably in yellow and orange.
2. Head for phone shops or your local newspaper and find the reporter stuck into their Sudoku.
3. Take them to a swinging sex party.
Bonus tip: Be subtle, spontaneous and unusual.
Cancer
1. Wear conservative clothes with some white and silver.
2. Find them in supermarkets in areas with plenty of water or attending art classes.
3. Prove you are a nice person – rescue a kitten (I have 3 for hire).
Bonus tip: Act like the Cancerian’s parent, look after them and take control.
Leo
1. Dress like the celebrities in glossy magazines.
2. Look for musicians, artists and actors and you should uncover yourself a Lion.
3. Take them somewhere sunny.
Bonus tip: Play out traditional gender roles.
Virgo
1. Be neat and very clean. Try a combination of grey and sky blue in your outfit.
2. Head to the gym or library. Meet stockbrokers, scientists and mathematicians. If none of these work, head for the seedy side of town – many prostitutes are Virgos.
3. Tidy their home.
Bonus tip: Don’t do anything unexpected or interesting.
Libra
1. Get everything perfect. Colours should blend well, and light green is a favourite.
2. Go to crowded places: shows, clubs, restaurants. The courts may prove useful as Librans make good lawyers and judges.
3. Take them to a party where you can demonstrate your social skills and good manners.
Bonus tip: Be sociable, flirt with other people to show you are attractive to others.
Scorpio
1. Catch their attention in red and black, but never dress or act out of character.
2. Find them in caves, working for an advertising agency or acting as your IFA.
3. Take them out for Thai or Chinese food.
Bonus tip: Be confident and assured.
Sagittarius
1. Dress outrageously and be completely tasteless. Bright, clashing colours work well.
2. Go to the area with the most parks and gardens. Or find them in train stations and airports.
3. Display energy and enthusiasm.
Bonus tip: Always be honest.
Capricorn
1. Wear a dark suit (black or dark green), sensible shoes and carry a briefcase.
2. Look for them at business meetings or digging for buried treasures.
3. Create a deliberate crisis and let them watch you deal with it.
Bonus tip: Behave maturely and responsibly.
Aquarius
1. Adopt their style to show you share their excellent taste. Wear metallic colours.
2. Spend time in un-crowded ski resorts, fairgrounds and inventor’s fairs.
3. Intrigue them
Bonus tip: Keep your cool.
Pisces
1. Dress like their sexual fantasies. For the more religious type – dress as a monk or guru. Wear pale blue and pink.
2. Take up a watersport, drinking or a new religion.
3. Take them out for seafood.
Bonus tip: Be boringly romantic.
*Disclaimer: All methods herein are as yet untested by the author. No liability will be held for failure of or unfortunate events resulting from the implementation of aforementioned methods. Feedback regarding the effectiveness of techniques is appreciated.
** This method assumes all participants are perfect specimens of their stereotyped sign. Note that personality and circumstances may lead for actual experience to differ from theorised outcomes.
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