Jaqs Untested* Dating Strategies #3: Speed dating

October 20, 2005 by NML

The first time I can’t say I was overly concerned. The girls had all read the dos and don’ts, spent a week planning their outfits and made sure they spent the night before fixing their hair. I picked out a tried and trusted strappy top and a pair of good arse jeans and headed out to meet them.

The hour before in the pub we spent testing out questions and spotting the men that might be going to the same event as us. For those we liked, we’d try the ever-faithful “What do you enjoy doing?” while twirling our hair, looking at his lips and biting down on our own bottom lips. For those we didn’t quite like, the good old “So do you think you’re strong enough to fight for me? My ex-boyfriend will be getting out of prison in a few weeks and he’s a little bit on the protective side. I dated another guy a while ago and …” [yack on until his eyes glaze over and then get up to fetch the drinks for your mates – he won’t even notice].

Yup, we were going speed dating. The air was buzzing with excitement as we walked in, the place was packed, the drinks were flowing. This could be a great evening.
And then it happened.

Screeeeeeeeeeech. The goodness of the prospective evening came to a drastic halt as I saw my very recent (and very much hated) ex-boyfriend. Suddenly a grey cloud hung over proceedings.

Despite the awkwardness of having The Big Ex there, and one particularly uncomfortable moment of getting more drinks in a not-so-subtle attempt at avoiding a four-minute date with aforementioned ex-bf, the evening turned out to be a good one.

I discovered how easy it was to maintain a conversation for four minutes. I had incredible fun trading notes with my friends, dissecting each male we’d encountered and giving warnings (and appraisals of backsides) of those yet to come.

I had so much fun in fact that when a colleague recently asked me to go with her I had no hesitation in saying yes. Across a table. At lunch. When our boss was there. And everyone heard. Doh.

So a few weeks later we got dressed up and headed out. This time I even bought a top (I felt like a proper girl). We discussed the obligatory questions (see above) over the obligatory drink (see above) beforehand while obligatorily eyeing up the men and trying to figure out who might be attending the same event as us.

There was a difference tonight though. While the previous event was in a small city and I knew a few of the people and everyone was friendly and not overly desperate, I was now in the big city where men are more desperate (or less straight) and women more independent (or less sober).

After the event, I asked my colleague who she immediately wrote off and why,. She said “He wasn’t hard to spot - kind of effeminate hairdresser, wearing a pink cravat - why was he at a male-female speed-dating event - did he turn up on the wrong night?”

Strangely, I suspect she’s talking about the musician I ended up going on a date with – he spent most of the date telling me how much he missed his kitten before claiming he had written one of the cheesy pop songs that was currently at the top of the charts.

When I asked my friend how she may better have spotted the errrr, ummm freaks of the evening, she decided: “That’s a toughie - even freaks can be trained to be normal for a 3 minute period!” I suppose it’s fair enough then that the only date she did follow through on turned out to be nearly a foot shorter than her and she’d failed to spot that. Perhaps he had trained to be a foot taller for 3 minutes?

Bonus tips for blokes training to be normal for 3 minutes:
· Wear a blue shirt, women see this as a sign of stability, monogamy and, well, normality. (isn’t that the point?)
· Wear good shoes. Bad shoes are not a good thing. We judge men by their shoes, our dad taught us that. Don’t ever wear brown brogues. Wear white shoes even less than that.
· Apparently we like the smell of black liquorice. Apparently it turns us on. Drink Pernod.

Bonus tips for girls training to be normal for 3 minutes:
· Wear pink – this comes across as approachable, feminine and slightly vulnerable, which brings out the protective instinct in your date.
· Smile. Ask them what they enjoy doing, NOT what they do – that smacks of money-grabbing. Apparently.

So what about the outcome? Well, I’ve been twice. At both events there was at least one guy who was apparently a millionaire, and a lot of girls who found this out and chased after them. I didn’t bother. From the first event I didn’t get a date (we did arrange to meet some guys and then never showed up – hehe). From the second I met four men to date. I went on one or two dates with three of them.

One was a millionaire – he invited me round for dinner. We had fun, mostly with me beating him at board games he threatened to whup me at. We were messing around after when he pulled this face that reminded me of a senior manager at work. Eugh! I never saw him again.

Another turned out to be a freak that offered to come round and clean my house because he couldn’t wait until the next free spot in my schedule to see me again. I believe I ended up sat on the sofa with a beer watching sport while he finished off the kitchen. I’m sorry boys, but although a nice guy is good; there’s just nothing shouting “Get the hell away from me FAST”. He didn’t last long but still occasionally emails to tell me how great we could have been together. Riiiiiiiiiiight.

The last of these is the aforementioned effeminate musician who took it on himself to stay over at my flat after our first date and perform illicit acts with himself when I wouldn’t put out. Strangely, another one that didn’t last long.

Both of my friends that I attended the events with got one date out of the evening – and both of them were failures. Apparently one had bad shoes and the other was a tad too short (see above).

Don’t let our experiences put you off though. Both times I went speeddating, I went with the frame of mind that I was going to have a fun evening chatting to and flirting with a variety of new and (mostly) interesting people. And I did. I would do it again if I had the chance.

My main tip for speeddating is this:

“Don’t expect to meet anyone that’s just right for you. If you do, bonus, call the church and book the wedding. If not, hopefully you had fun which is the point.”

I personally recommend the pool hall (see strategy number 2). But only because I’m slightly obsessed and that’s where I picked up my current attraction.
*Disclaimer: Actually, this one has been tested. Sorry.
Dating Strategies #2: Pool dating

Dating Strategies #1: Astro-dating
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