JonnyB Queries the term ‘New Man’

September 22, 2005 by NML

Most men are unsure of what a ‘new man’ is and JonnyB explains his confusion and how he is doing the best that he can.

So I received the email.

“Would you, as a celebrity blogger, be interested in writing an article. I’d really love it if you could. Your weblog is the best in the world, better than everybody else’s, and I bet you’re really fit as well.” (I paraphrase, having read between the lines as sometimes one has to do when women use email).

One gets these sorts of requests as a celebrity blogger, notwithstanding the fact that being a celebrity blogger is a bit like being one of the key midfield players for Sutton United – vaguely interesting for a few hundred sad people in the know, but unlikely to get you oral sex backstage at the Oscars ceremony.

(NB if you are a famous Hollywood actress and are reading this and disagree, please contact me via email).

(NB unless you are Bea Arthur)

“I have Alan, who is wonderfully insightful, Greavsie, who is my favourite metrosexual, so I’ve asked you because you’re so not a new man and make no attempt to hide it.”

I frowned at this slightly, as I was not sure that she had quite got the right gist. Also, to tell the truth, I was a bit cross. I look forward to a follow up commission: “we’re wondering if you could do us 500 words on penis size. We already have several people lined up who have above-average ones, so for balance your input would be particularly welcome.”

Which of course would be stupid as I wouldn’t be able to comment on that without lying, which I don’t do, and besides it is what you do with it that counts and also they are all more the same size when erect anyway, especially if you push the ruler quite hard into the base of your stomach before measuring.

But the thing about me not being a new man is almost libellous, as here I am, househusbanding away, the newest of new men that there can possibly be. When my other half, the LTLP, gets home, I will have her dinner ready for her if I don’t go to the pub, and the place will be spick and span because I have paid the cleaner.

And when was the last time she defragmented the hard drive, then. Eh?

I think the problem might be one of terminology. I don’t really understand this new man phrase at all. I like women immensely as they are fascinating company and astute and their skin is so soft. But as I don’t read magazines like GQ and Men’s Health and things I might be getting the wrong end of the stick as to what men should be about these days. Perhaps I should buy some grooming products and get some wanky black spectacles and that would get me more new man points.

Men just aren’t like this ideal, you see. Just like women aren’t like the perfect specimens that you see in politically-correct magazines such as Nuts and Zoo. The fact is, the genders have achieved a level of equality now, and so men are allowed to be a bit more feminine, whereas women can do more male type things like setting up websites like this, which was very clever and brave of them.

I am not like these dinosaur old men who are sexualist in their attitude, and just because I do not like Dido does not mean that I do not understand and appreciate the fairer sex.

Check out JonnyB’s blog