hot pink lovehearts

Several years ago on a chilly Valentine’s Day evening, I found myself sitting cramped in a London restaurant with my ex fiance, a Mr Unavailable. I felt agitated and irritated. I knew that he had intentions to propose which should be a wonderful event to look forward to, but instead my mind was whirring with conflict. We’d only been together for a few months and most of the time he’d annoyed the crap out of me with his jealousy, possessiveness, and controlling which had caused some enormous arguments.

Our relationship was passionate but even sitting there trying not to throttle him, I knew that it was a mistake to say yes. I guess I thought that if I said yes though, it would make everything alright.

Like many a Mr Unavailable, he knew just how to kill a moment.

You’d swear he needed a gold medal for him deciding that he wanted to propose yet the conflict of being a Mr Unavailable meant that despite him being the one to decide to do this grand gesture, he was behaving like a complete and utter assclown because he knew in his heart of hearts that he could never deliver on any of the sh*te that he talked about.

It’s a bit like when Mr Unavailable’s agree to go on holiday and then they essentially p*ss on your parade in the run up to it ,or ruin the holiday itself because they don’t want you to think that you can count on them too much and…ultimately, they don’t want to be there and are feeling too connected, too committed.

Many women are fooled by being proposed to but what they don’t realise is that when it comes to assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s, the cost of forking out on a ring is still nothing compared to what they feel is the cost of actually delivering on the expectation of a ring, or even a relationship.

If anything, it buys them time and creates a massive illusion of how wonderful they are that dissipates, leaving you very confused when you realise you’re not actually going to make it down the aisle.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the only reason why he proposed was to get the relationship under his control and remove the power he thought I had. His plan worked over time until I left him…

Despite my misgivings, I didn’t listen to myself and I said yes when he asked (looking back, you couldn’t get a more detached proposal and acceptance if you tried – fake smiles all round…), and afterwards as the reality set in, I wondered if it would be very bad manners to slip to the bathroom and make a rapid exit out the window!

Why am I telling you this?

Because aside from it being Valentine’s day today, it’s also a day when many a woman around the world will make an error in judgement because she attaches too much to this Hallmark day.

Next thing you know, you’re sending a text message, picking up the phone, responding to his contact, and thinking that you’ll get back together. Tomorrow, in a few days, or over the next few weeks, possibly even before the day is out, misery will be back.

If you’re in a relationship that’s already floundering, you may have high expectations of this day as if it’s supposed to extract new behaviours from him and has the ability to change him into the man you want him to be.

You may have ideas about what you’d like to be doing or what you’d like to be given, and may be simmering with disappointment later, or be confused by the anti-climax that will follow even if he does do something, because it doesn’t eradicate the real issues that exist in the relationship.

Placing too much stock in Valentine’s day can only lead to pain.

It’s just one day out of a whole 365 and it’s a gestures based day. If you start losing your mind over it, it’s a fairly good indicator that you may be someone who needs the gesture more than the substance.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – I’ll take consistency over a moment, over a day, over a big gesture.

As women, we have to stop dining off glimpses of decency and chasing a beginning when we’re already in the middle or towards the end of our relationship saga.

There’s no point obsessing about how great things were in the beginning, if the beginning stopped a long time ago, and the consistent relationship and his behaviour is far removed from it – that’s the real him and the real relationship.

The boyf and I are going out for our first ‘Valentine’s’ dinner tonight even though we’ve been together for a few years. It’s actually not about Valentine’s – with another baby on the way, a diva toddler, both of us with hectic schedules, we figured we’d use the excuse of the day to eat out (a bit like a two fingers to the credit crunch…), plus my dad will be here to babysit.

I haven’t cared for Valentine’s day for a long time though because I realise that it should be about celebrating love, not losing your mind expecting from people who don’t know the meaning of love, or going crackers about being ‘alone’. You can still feel alone even when you’re with one of these guys…

It’s a very commercially driven day that induces anxiety in many people and it’s important to keep it in perspective as much as possible.

Wherever you are today and whatever you’re doing, that celebration of love should start with you. Don’t spend the day looking for love in all the wrong places and remember that it’s just a day.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, whilst it’s nice to remember, keep it real. Yes you can remember what a fab Valentine’s day you had last year but if he’s a dickhead that subsequently treated you badly, rather than indulge in nostalgia and focus on the minor positive, I’d balance out the nostalgia with the realism of who he is.

In the meantime, enjoy the love of people who really do love you – love doesn’t always have to be packaged up in the species with a penis.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Love Natalie/NML xxx

Your thoughts?

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.

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52 Responses to Keeping It Real About Valentines Day

  1. Loving Annie says:

    “There’s no point obsessing about how great things were in the beginning, if the beginning stopped a long time ago, and the consistent relationship and his behaviour is far removed from it – that’s the real him and the real relationship.”

    NML,
    Your smarts keep me sane. Thank you for this reminder !
    No more being stubbornly stuck on hope for me. It feels so good to look back and know that letting go of the hurt and obsessing and dreaming was being LOVING to me.
    That’s my Valentine’s Day present to myself, not only today but every day :)

    Loving Annie.

  2. Judy says:

    Thank you so much for this – it hit home on so many fronts. My EUM broke up a week ago Friday and, ironically, it was my asking him what we were doing for Valentine’s Day that brought it to a head. It was, also, just a week after we returned from the type of vacation you mention. He said he felt no emotional connection with me and hadn’t for some time and went on vacation with me because he thought it would have been worse if he didn’t.

    I am still fighting the urge to call him and try and make things right, to try and get back to what? As you say, the beginning stopped a long time ago and the behavior I had for the majority of the relationship was what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it. Its no wonder he didn’t feel an emotional connection to me, he never tried!

    Now, if I could just stop asking What’s wrong with me? and focus on me and loving myself.

  3. Valentine’s Day really is a heartbreaking day for many.

    Women should turn it into a pamper day. Go to a spa, and go all out. Draw a bubble bath, light the candles, sink down in and soak all the stress and worries away.

    Calgon take me away!

    searchingwithin’s last blog post..Create and Ignite a Man’s Passion and Desire

  4. WASHWORDS says:

    Oh honey, I’ve been there. I recently decided to blog my exes, thinking it would be funny and light (okay, cow lease guy is) but it also led to heartache, sadness and that pain of rejection and putting myself out there all over again.

    In brighter news, it also showed me what WAS lovable about me and what I could stand to work on too: for ME. still a work in progress but… it’s happening..

  5. WASHWORDS says:

    here’s those ex posts btw. not sure why it didn’t show before:

    http://washwords.com/words/tag/x-files/

    WASHWORDS’s last blog post..X365, Ex Edition, Day 3

  6. annied says:

    Thanks NML … I’ve had to change my thinking about Valentine’s Day. I used to think it was all about romantic love and blah, blah, blah. (thank the money-mongers for that)

    Well, I’ve received a sweet Valentine from both my sister and from my parents. My 9 yo daughter made me the most beautiful card and gave me some of HER candy. That is Love. That is worth celebrating. That is what this day should be for – like you said, “enjoy the love of people who really do love you “.

    If most of us here think about it, I believe we will find that the love on this day came from us – not to us. (in regards to our EUMs) I was all too willing to declare my undying love for this AC and I felt lucky if he was almost guilted into sending me flowers – which he later complained about b/c of the cost. It always ended up a disappointing day.

    I want to make Valentine’s Day a sweet day for myself again. So many people love me and appreciate the love that I give … they are the ones we should be celebrating today! :)

  7. Gaynor says:

    Annied,

    You got it so right!!!!

  8. Tina says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family!

    Thanks for the great article! I think Valentine’s can be about romance and fun but you have to have someone who is actually capable of doing it.

    My ex husband always did Valentine’s day right. I am no longer married to him anymore but it was a glimpse of how nice it could be. We talk because of the kids and we talked yesterday and he wished me a happy valentine’s day which was nice.

    As for Valentine’s with the former AC I spent 5 with him and he never did get it right and I stopped having expectations as he certainly managed down my expectations about that.

    I should have known the first one we were together, it would be bad as I just got him a simple funny card and although he knew it was Valentine’s Day, he chose to do nothing and after I gave him the card, he said he didn’t get me anything.

    I made excuses for him but frankly he had set his boundaries about that. He didn’t care about that day or any other holiday and he was telling me because he didn’t care, I had better not either.

    The last one we had together was a disaster in my eyes. We made plans to go to a market and have a lunch. Not purely a Valentine thing but more of a date. He seemed like he really wanted to go but when I got there to pick him up, the passive aggressive behaviour started. He wasn’t even out of bed when I got there and usually he is up early. He doddled around and didn’t get cleaned up and didn’t put on clean clothes. He seemed more interested in his movie downloads.

    I had gotten all frocked up nicely and was looking gorgeous. He says nothing about how nice I look but noticed one stray hair on my leg I had missed shaving and started commenting on it.

    He announced to me he had forgotten all about it being Valentine’s Day. That was a lie and I called him on it too. I just said, no you didn’t. You were just commenting on it yesterday and about all the stuff in the store and how you bought a decorated mud cake on sale.

    We get there and we split a pizza; a $21 pizza. He acted like he was having fun but the entire time was this underlying attitude like he just wasn’t going to have fun regardless. You all probably have seen that attitude. Like the person stuck in victim mode and no matter what good happens to them, they are still negative about it.

    The bill comes and he just sits there. He just kept sitting there and then finally I asked him if he had change for a $50. That was supposed to be the hint for him to pay the bill. He said he didn’t think he did. So the waitress is standing there and I didn’t say anything more and maybe I should have to embarrass him? I get the money out and pay for our lunch. She goes away and then he says that he had his money out. Like he was going to pay for it. I didn’t say anything as I was mad at that point. Then he said, well you make a lot more than I do so you can pay for it.

    That wasn’t the point. It was the sneakiness of him sitting there until I actually started to pay and then suddenly acting like he was going to pay when he had no intentions to.

    I noticed he had been doing that a lot near the end of our relationship. I was paying for everything.

    So we go to the markets and before, he had talked of us buying each other something from the market for Valentine’s Day. We walked through and he bought himself some stuff. I ended up buying my own things.

    We went back to the parking garage and he did the same thing to me. Stood there and let me pay the $5 parking fee but waiting until I put the money in the machine and THEN asking me if I needed any money.

    I didn’t say anything to him as we drove back and I dropped him off at his house and I supposed he thought he was going to get some. Yeah right after all that, he might as well dumped a bucket of cold water on me. I made an excuse I had to feed my pets, which I did, and I left and didn’t come back.

    I guess the point of all this is that people tell you who they are early on. If holidays are important to you and you find out the person you are dating doesn’t do them at all, then it’s a mismatch and they will never change or be happy about any holiday so just launch them and find someone else who likes holidays. Also this really wasn’t about the money but about lack of effort. Don’t let someone manage down your expectations.

    Natalie, have you written any articles about cheapskates?

  9. Tina says:

    Ok this has really got me thinking. lol dangerous I know. ;)

    Because of so many disappointing v days I think thinking about just making the day my special day from me to me because I really love me. I think just completely taking the male factor out of it regardless of if I am with someone or not, would always make it a special day for me.

    So I’m going to tidy up my house just so and put on my best sheets and eat something sinful and watch my favourite movies.

  10. finallyseenthelight says:

    Happy Valentine’s Day all of you!!! HUGS!!! I agree with Tina and Annied…the day is about showing love and receiving love and it doesn’t have to be romantic love…the love is inside of us to share.
    The media and the hype for this holiday is out of control…it gives women the idea that they aren’t special if they aren’t receiving a dozen roses and a vermont teddy bear!!! My ex-EUM always had a convenient excuse why he couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day with me…he just didn’t want to feel like he was in a relationship…then he would buy me a card and gift and give it to me a day or so later…He could win A$$clown of the year award!
    Well, I’m off for a date with a new guy…so I’m just going to enjoy myself and eat a nice meal with someone who isn’t too afraid to be with a woman on Valentine’s Day!

  11. annied says:

    Finally … good for you! I hope you have fun tonight. :) I’m with Tina, but I’m too lazy to clean up. lol … layin around will just have to do.

  12. JuJu says:

    Tina!
    I just read your entry about your AC just sitting (or standing – whatever the case may be!) looking at the bill. Mine did that in mixed company waiting for some other guy at the table to pick up the tab. I was always dead embarressed and wondered how my AC could live with himself. But – as you say – they let us know who they are early on…….on our first ‘date’ (when he had a friend cook us dinner) we had to get a cab back into town where I live. I suggested getting out of the cab early and walking through the park close to my condo. Cab stops, AC pops out and stands next to the cab just waiting for me on the sidewalk…..odd……so I get out and he just looks at me. So, I can see he’s not going to reach for his wallet so I pay the driver.
    I remember the following morning calling all my girlfriends and telling them this story in disbelief! Two and a half years later I was still with him. I had never dated anyone that didn’t reach for the bill first. And I am not cheap – always reciprocate but this AC just stunned me time and time again. I still don’t know why I stayed. I guess the things that were good in the relationship made it worthwhile until, really, I knew it couldn’t go any further –
    I cannot tell you how pleased I am when my Visa bill arrives now and it’s a third of what it used to be (we split everything but since we cooked at his, he always ended up with the leftovers!!)
    Anyway, my mother said to me this morning ‘lesson learned – he was just bad….the rest of them (my previous relationships) were never like that so just forget him’.
    I am still embarressed about his – and thus my, behavior in these situations but the bottom line is that I think about his new squeeze and say ‘better her than me’. She’s a doctor so can better afford his a$$……
    I spent the afternoon shredding all my old tax forms from 8 years ago and earlier – forms that were during my married years. That was very cathartic as I wasn’t wondering what parts of his AMEX payments were for his girlfriend. Geez – what a life! I guess it’s best to try and chalk it up to experience. Though I am not sure if I have learned (all) my lessons yet. But, patience…..

    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!! Be kind to yourself – xxoo

  13. lisaq says:

    My only expectation this Single Awareness Day is a lot of beer and a hella good time with my best girlfriend. Happy Day everyone!

  14. nevergoingbackthereagain says:

    Well my ex eum pushed a cheap card through my door (ive been doing full nc yet again!!) – anyway this made me laugh as in the 2 years we were together he never once got me a valentines card or a card for any other holiday!!! I also had a text asking if I wanted to go away for the weekend – again I had to laugh at this as a friend reminded me that if we had of been together he would never of offered such grand gestures – infact he probably would of disapeared for the whole day incase I expected anything!! even funnier- if I would of fallen for any of this & agreed to go away with him he soon would of back peddaled as none of it was genuine – just another ploy to engage contact – any contact!!! I had phone calls at 4am this morning though – so he had obnviously been out clubbing all night/getting drunk (so much for our weekend away??!!!) im glad he called though – just reminded yet again to stay the hell away!!

  15. nysharon says:

    That is how I felt every year with my exhusband even if he gave me diamonds. Thank you for reminding me how happy I am with out that disappointing knawing feeling.

  16. Judy says:

    Tina, I SO SO needed to read your post about paying because, as you know from my post elsewhere, this is exactly what my ex-EUM did to me when we were on vacation. In fact, I realized just the other day that it started before we went on vacation when we were out to lunch with a bunch of his friends.

    I think I’m on the verge of the anger stage because, yesterday, in the shower, I had a glimse of it – I tallied up in my head everything I paid for on our vacation and decided I’d send him a bill and tell him I expected him to pay his share. Then, I decided against it because it would mean breaking NC, which I have managed to maintain for 8 days now.

  17. nysharon says:

    With Valentines Day arriving I was feeling the urge to contact my MM after 2 1/2 months of not seeing him and 6 weeks of NC. This was following 4 months of him telling me he was leaving her to be with me. Low and behold, I dropped in to a local place with my sister (one where he knows I frequent) and there he is with his wife and kids having dinner. I left but thanked God as I did, that I had left things behind months ago. I thought of how much it would have REALLY hurt if I hadn’t had my dignity.

  18. metsgurl says:

    Hope everyone had a Great Valentines Day. I’ll be learning how to ski for the first time in Monarch Colorado tomorrow to celebrate my AssClown Free day! So it’s be-lated but it will definitely be fun.

    Reading throught this blog… I realize I have “scaled back” so severly that I forgot what a relationship was supposed to look like. I love how you ladies have made the “V” day about “Me” day (all in your own way) because that’s exactly what it should be….Hugs to all of you!

  19. Gaynor says:

    I hope everyone had a Happy Assclown Free Valentine’s Day!!!!

    I went out with a group of friends and had a fantastic time! The key for Valentine’s Day should be to share it with with those that make us happy and appreciate us for who we are. With each day I had come to recognize what a complete waste of time and energy my ex-EUM was, it is so nice to be in a better and more positive place. Make everyday Valentine’s Day and share with those that truly love and care for you.

  20. Tina says:

    Judy, I think that is why I was so drawn to your story as their behaviours seemed quite similar. Like you, I made a whole lot more than he did. Maybe he thought I should always pay because I made more? Then again, from what I have seen, he tends to use people in general anyway.

    It started out so gradual and that is probably why I didn’t say anything at at first.

    An occasional ride every now and then and then wanting to use my washer and dryer.

    Pretty soon it seemed like EVERY time I went over to his house I was hauling him around somewhere. He doesn’t drive.

    Then when I read other people’s stories at how good these guys are at pretending and sometimes for years, it just makes me wonder how I can ever trust anyone again.

    As for the bill you made up, I would be very tempted to send it as it would probably make me feel better doing something like that. :)

  21. Brad K. says:

    Tina,

    Money is a funny thing in many relationships, the basis for many fights and breakups. I suspect you missed your cue with him that day, too. When you arrived and he wasn’t up, that pretty much says that he isn’t interested in any plans you are aware of.

    At every turn, he made his resentment clear. His waiting might well have been confusion – waiting for you to talk about money. He likely already picked up on your anger before he got out of bed, and let you drag him along “to be polite”.

    It wasn’t *his* event, his plans. Even though that was what you wanted, for him to bless you with a glorious day, with attention to you and pleasing you. So you dragged him through the motions. He didn’t clean up, he was behind the curve every step of the way.

    This could have been passive aggressive resistance, this could have been a deliberate way to irritate you into breaking up so he didn’t have to. And the relationship could have been over, but you wouldn’t accept that. For all your frustration – it doesn’t sound like you made him feel loved that day, either.

    Ideally he would have been up, dressed, and eager to gift you with an outing that you would enjoy. He would have been pleased to please you. And you would have made the day special for him, as you noticed his efforts, as you expressed appreciation for gifts of time, attention, and material stuff.

    He told you he wasn’t ready, or in the mood, or willing to be your romantic hero that day. He said so out loud, “I forgot it was Valentine’s Day.” Which is pretty clear – he wasn’t ready to do V-Day.

    You might have asked what he wanted to do, at that point, and considered whatever he said. You likely should have said, “Thanks, we can talk later.” And gone off to make your own plans for the day, and consider whether being with him is worth the effort. Blowing off a holiday is something we should all be ready to accept, at any time, for any reason. But sometimes it should be a deal-breaker, the straw that ends a relationship. Blowing the day and the plans to watch movies download might have been a dreadful letdown – but might have been less painful and frustrating – and costly.

    Frankly, what you say of how the money was handled, and plans made (dragging him out of bed to eat pizza with you), would have confused me as well. Hopefully I would have asked before anything was ordered, so there were no surprises – he surely should have, or you should have been up front about money. In some ways, that day you acted as host – implying that you would be paying for most or all of the hospitality.

    I am not sticking up for the guy, nor am I saying that you should have done differently. I think there were a number of ways the day could have been different, without making him change. Because usually guys don’t change. I can’t think there was any way that you could have gotten the attention, the Hallmark moments that you had planned for, not with him.

    .. I had Ramen noodles and corn with a glass of red wine, watched a couple Bourne movies over a bowl of popcorn. Happy V-day, all!

  22. Judy says:

    Tina, there were many times when ex-EUM and I had plans and I’d show up and he wouldn’t be ready or would have just wakened. Oftentimes, we’d have plans and I’d wait to hear from him to finalize details and I’d wait and I’d wait and he’d call at the last minute. I now realize he was just lukewarm and was from all but around two months of our relationship. I was a “good enough for now” girl, a convenience, someone to text when he wanted sex. I wasn’t smart enough to see it because I was too busy devouring the crumbs and making them a whole loaf.

    I will not send him a bill for his share of the vacation for two reasons. First, it would mean contact and I am doing much better in that respect – the urgent desire to contact him has subsided. Second, maybe just a little satisfaction on my part that he knows I paid because I was able to – because, yes, I am better off than him and that makes him feel inferior.

  23. Gaynor says:

    Judy,

    You’re right!!! Stick to the NC!!

  24. Tina says:

    Brad, thank you for you comments. I always appreciate reading your posts and hearing what you have to say.

    The thing is this was his idea to go to lunch and to the markets. He made the plans a week or so before. He picked the pizza place as he heard it was excellent.

    I suspect that if I bailed out when I saw he wasn’t up that day (It was noon), he would have said I was a party pooper and then would have expected me to sit around with him all day watching him play video games.

    As for making him feel special, I had every intentions of doing so! That is the point of Valentine’s day to make each other feel special. I had given him a peek of things to come later. ;)

    We didn’t break up after that day. I ran away. :) He thought he was going to get some sex and I guess I wasn’t up to being his blow up doll after all that. I made an excuse to leave and I did. He started calling me later that evening and I didn’t answer the phone. He must have called a dozen times. He started calling the next day and finally I answered and I lied and told him I had fell asleep. He wanted me to come over. I told him I was busy.

    I guess there are plenty of things we do that we may not be thrilled about doing but we doing them for the other person putting our selfishness aside.

    I think this is a common thing with the AC. They plan something and get you all excited and then they sabotage it in some way. Sounds pretty typcial game plan for the EU.

    I am sure there are a lot of things I could have done differently. I am certainly not perfect. I know I won’t be responsible for someone elses cowardlyness or bad behaviour. Sure I could have paid attention and saw he wasn’t keen and let him off the hook so to speak but then again he could have paid attention and saw I was keen and make the best of it without being an AC about it.

    Judy, that’s good you aren’t sending it. You are doing so well with the NC. I wish I would have seen things earlier but my head was all clouded up with emotions. The sex really messes with my head and I found that when I stopped having it with him so much, my head became clearer. It reminds me of childbirth. It is so horribly painful but then shortly after you just forget. The sex was so good, it would make for forget the bad stuff for a little while.

    I don’t know if you can leave an email address here but if you are interested in emailing, that would be nice.

    I missed the part about the 20 something he was texting. Who was this and who did she say she was and when did she come into the picture?

    I wrote on another thread about what women who makes lots are supposed to do about finding a mate. I know men on the message boards say they like independent, smart, successful women but their actions show otherwise. I can only think of a few guys who married their equal or above. The successful guys my age, 40s, seem to want 20 year old arm candy. I don’t know what the answer is.

    I know next V day, I am booking an all day spa or maybe a trip to Bali. :)

  25. Judy says:

    Tina, the 27 year old is someone he works with. He mentioned her sometime back several months. He does not know I know he was texting her our entire vacation as he does not know I looked at his phone. He is also back on the old site on which we met, so I guess she isn’t as big a ticket as she could be. Looking back, things were great for the first 2 months. At the end of the two months, he got a flyer in the mail at his house for something his ex-gf is very involved in – the flyer was addressed to her. I later saw it in his car – opened and on is marker board in his kitchen were the dates of the event. He did not go to the event – that much I am sure. I suspect he and she are in regular contact and she strings him along. In fact, when we were breaking up, he said he wanted to “stay in touch” and I said no, I couldn’t do the let’s be friends thing. He said he understood because he’s been there and it just keeps you hoping. Also, he hooked up with the ex-gf within a month or so of his ex-wife asking for a divorce, so I am not sure he processed the divorce, either. Which basically leaves him in a place where he is not going to let any other woman in emotionally….thus, his not feeling an emotional connection with me.

    On the other site, I have activated PM so you can send me a message there and we can exchange e-mails via that site. I would like to keep in touch.

    I am having a very tough time this morning. I just don’t know why but I want to talk to him, want to make things right. The old record keeps playing in my head, what’s wrong with me? why not me? maybe he’s had enough time and he’d be receptive to me?

  26. lisa says:

    Well, I was one of those women who thought that the sad married man was really leaving his wife. It took me 2 years, a lot of pain, and mercifully finding this web site to finally get the strength to apply the no contact rule. After two months of “no contact” the “no contact” was unexpectedly broken the day before valentine’s day by the guy showing up at a performance of my son’s play. (he knows we are members of a local theatre group). I was thrown off, but was cordial to him as he looked so lonely and tired. (I still have his e-mail blocked, too). But when I got home, I wrote him a “Hoped you liked the show” note.. “thanks for coming to see the play.” I don’t know why I did it. I’m not interested in starting anything up again, I just don’t like to be aloof or appear “mean.” (which I know I have to get over) Well, I still have him blocked, but he created a new e-mail address and sent a note through, and against my better judgement, I opened it, and it was all full of anger and bull shit, and I immediately was taken back to 2 or more months ago when I couldn’t seem to break this cycle, but finally got the courage to do the “no contact.” So, I wrote a “WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!” note back to him and blocked the new address. I guess I’m writing to ask…. now what? So I start “no contact” again? I was really almost starting to forget about him, and why was I so weak that I couldn’t just ignore him? I feel hurt and I feel like now I’m thinking about him, when I just don’t want to spend any time on this guy anymore. He’s still married, and it was obvious from seeing him, that they are miserable, but SO WHAT! That is his choice.

    Is there a better thread where I could get some input, or is this the right place to be.

    Thanks.

  27. Gaynor says:

    Lisa,

    If he’s so miserable he would have left her a long time ago,

    I suggest you stick to NC, as you see how communication only sets you back. He’s not going to change!

  28. nysharon says:

    Lisa, I think you emailed him because you wanted to see if he still cared and if anything has changed. You wanted to hear that he has left her and wants you now. He contacted you because he wanted an ego boost because he is bored/unhappy/horny/wants to know if you moved on with someone else and/OR is on the fence about leaving again and wanted to know if you would catch him when he decided to drop over the fence. He may truly care about you but you deserve better. Go to NC again, time heals all.
    That is what I have been telling myself for the past 3 months.

  29. nysharon says:

    I have to say that my MM treated me wonderful, with the exception of not making the decision to leave but not wanting me to have other relationships. It was very difficult to pull away from because we were very much in love and our work/social ties cause us to cross paths. I found it better to lay low, change my routine, and go NC. We tried talking on a once in awhile basis, but it never lasted that way for very long. He wants to be with his two small children. But he wanted me too. I deserve better and so do you Lisa.

  30. nysharon says:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIyxkZod2cM
    Catch this video of Suglarlands new song “Stay”.

  31. lisa says:

    Wow! Thank you all for the quick response. Everything you all wrote really just helps me get my resolve back. (I love the song “stay!”)

    Also, the married guy really did treat me very nicely, too, until I started telling him I felt wrong about the whole thing, and if he wanted to continue in the relationship, he needed to go get his “s##t” together with his divorce (which never was really happening… took me a long time to figure that out until I found this web-site!) ANd then we could be free to start a relationship out in the open, in public, with my family (I have two teenaged sons). I never thought I’d be in a situation like this! It is so crazy! So, that is when his sweetness turned to real anger and meanness, and it was sort of scary to tell you the truth.

    Anyway, yes, we deserve better, and I feel bad about ever letting myself get into a relationship like this, and now I know what NEVER to do again.

    Thanks again. I will stick to no contact again. I don’t want the rollercoaster ride of emotions that it took me so long to break!

  32. Gaynor says:

    Lisa & NY,

    Think about it. If these guys were treating you so wonderfully, then they wouldn’t have been stinging you along with the lies that they were going to leave their wives. They’re just like any other assclown creep!!!

  33. Tina says:

    MM really are just AC. If they were so great, they wouldn’t be cheating on their wives.

    As other guys here have alluded to, some men can be really really nice just to keep their sex supply flowing.

    Judy, I looked and it costs quite a bit on the other site just to become a member. I hope it is ok to post my email here. momolio33@yahoo.com

    Judy, I know you are having a rough time and wanting to contact him but you are strong and of course this is still new and of course it hurts and it will hurt for awhile. Hang in there and don’t contact him. He just isn’t a nice person.

  34. Judy says:

    Tina, you have mail…

  35. ts says:

    Lisa,
    You said: He’s still married, and it was obvious from seeing him, that they are miserable, but SO WHAT!

    Was his wife with him? Or are you projecting that they are miserable because you saw him as being that? One, I think it was pretty presumptuous of him to show up at your children’s play, and two, if he showed up with his wife, that was just down right weird and meanly provocative, especially if he knew you would be there.

    Keep strong with your NC, sounds like the right course now.
    Take care, ts

  36. Tulipa says:

    Valentine’s day was easy to get through because every single year I have somebody (always EUM) they have never acknowledged the day so I wasn’t expecting a thing.. My daughter wanted to celebrate the day so we had pancakes (her choice) for lunch.
    Today I thought would be hard because today would have marked 2 years of knowing each other, but again considering that last year when we were together he did nothing to acknowledge the day I don’t even expect him to remember the day especially since I cut all contact with him.. (21 days ago ) so far it has been okay I did dream about him but I have had no desire to contact him and sincerely hope his bad memory serves him well today and I hear nothing from him.

    Why do EUMs do that ?? Like what happened to Tina, he made the plans with her then could barely get out of bed to follow through on those plans that they made ??? or in my case agreed to …
    I guess this is still a sore point for me.. I asked EUM if he would like to attend a concert with me.. he said yes… this was for his birthday..
    so even though he did offer to pay a for his or for both tickets I said no it would be my b’day gift to him. I sent the tickets to him as a present he wrote a text saying how happy he was to recieve them and thank you.. he repeated this in a phone conversation.. then came the night of the concert.. I dressed up went to an effort etc. and when he opened his door it was like oh I didn’t know it was a dress up thing guess I’ll have to do.. his whole attitude was he couldn’t give a rats ass whether he was there or not… I just wish he had declined the tickets or at the very least showed some appreaciation about his present… unfortunately I didn’t do as Tina did and leave I stayed over urgh to me and the next morning was no better I couldn’t wait to leave… but why do they do that !!! It is so frustrating I felt frustrated for Tina just reading it….
    Anyway I guess those type of memories make me determined not to contact his sorry ass… urgh…

  37. Used says:

    Look at the facts:

    And he is putting the writing on the wall: “hey, see here, I am with my wife!

  38. Used says:

    Lisa–
    (Oops, typo above) The facts: he hadn’t heard from you for 2 mos.; anticipation of V-Day comes upon the world; the DAY BEFORE V-Day, he goes to what he knows is your turf WITH his wife and family in tow, and you see this; he knows you see this; your son is performing; you THANK HIM for coming to see the play (why? Do you think he came to see your son, or out of respect for you? And why do you care if he came to see it at all, anyways?); he gets angry and childish when you tell him “no relationship.”

    So he SHOWED you that he was with his wife. AND family. You took the bait anyways–that he went out of his way to see “your” play, the fruits of “your” work with your son–and wrote to him, violating NC. When he got mad, he showed his true self: that he was in this for selfish reasons, to use you, meanwhile also SHOWING YOU his devotion to his wife and kid. So you would have, again, gone into this wide-eyed, if you chose to see him. He acted with complete disrespect to you and your wishes of NC; and in expecting you to start things up with him after seeing him with his wife! So he is dissing his wife, too!

    He got mad b/c he saw that you are smart and won’tlet him have his cake and eat it, too!

  39. ph2072 says:

    Makes sense. Thanks for th entry.

  40. ts says:

    Tulipa,
    I guess my response to your “why do they do that” question, would be, (to quote the knowledge learned on NMLs board), that they are managing down expectations and that you (we) are trying to find reason in the unreasonable. Sometimes it is truly best to not wonder why so much, just accept what it is, and try to move on. The asking is what may make you the most crazy and unhappy. Just the fact that it makes no sense is the best answer. Don’t torture yourself with the why anymore, comfort yourself with what you can do to remove yourself from the insane situation in the first place.
    Best to you and all, ts.

  41. lisa says:

    Hi Gaynor, ts, and Used. Thank you for all your input. It is really hard for me to believe I’m even here writing on a site about this, but I am so thankful for all of your comments and truthfulness.

    His wife wasn’t with him, but she might as well have been. ‘When talking to him at the show, I asked him how his wife was point blank, and he just sort of skiddishly rolled his eyes and said, “I don’t know.” I felt sorry for him. The reason I thought he looked miserable was because since the last time I saw him, he looked really skinny (not in a good way) and all blood shot, etc… but I believe and embrace EVERYTHING, EVERY PIECE OF ADVICE AND INFORMATION you all are sharing with me. It keeps me strong and convinced that I am on the right path. About 5 months ago, I would have never thought that I could break this cycle. I was still immersed in trying to get him to see how good I’d be for him. Yuck!

    I really am for the most part a normal, fairly happy mom and single parent. I have my own business and have friends that I hang with when I’m not working or ‘parenting’ and I know I’ll get past this. I’m still totally flabergasted that I ever got myself into this kind of situation, though. If you knew my life, I’m just this normal mom of teenagers, they have friends who come over and hang out. I’m a musician, I play at church and have a great network of good people in my life. It is still all so surreal even though I let myself fall for him nearly 3 years ago or maybe a little less. I just don’t understand why he let me think he was leaving, and even more, I don’t understand why I tried to believe it for so long. But the one thing I do understand is that I have to stay away and let it be over permanently. It took awhile to accept that.

  42. ts says:

    Hey Lisa,

    Your OK, don’t ever believe otherwise.

    You just got yourself caught up in something you did not expect.
    Like you said, you are a great functioning human being, i.e. working single mom who got sidelined by a man who told you many things that distracted you. Don’t beat yourself up, just get away from him, let him go, and move on.

    Focus on yourself and your two children now. That is what seems to be important in the long run.

    Yes, it is hard to let go of ego strokes, even from our side. Don’t let those vacuous strokes dissuade you from what is important.

    I wish you well, ts.

  43. Tulipa says:

    Thanks ts you are right no point in pondering.. I am re reading NMls book The Falback Girl.. just because I have a different perspective now I’ve finally got rid of him.. and this is what I found in answer that makes sense too…
    “Mr. Unavailables always get nervous around anything that they perceive as a big occasion that might cause you to think that they are in a committed relationship with or that you’re special. Their response is to act like assholes so you don’t get any big ideas”

    But yes it is time to look at me and forget him…

    Lisa it is okay just start over lesson learned.. good luck …

  44. ts says:

    Hey everyone,
    We will all be OK, just keep the chin up and move ahead!
    Best to all, you all deserve the best. ts.

  45. myalmostlover says:

    Sharon….

    My fav is “Goodbye My Almost Lover” by a Fine Frenzy
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

    Another good one is “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPKUdoBKVqc

  46. myalmostlover says:

    nysharon…..

    My fav is “Goodbye My Almost Lover”, by a Fine Frenzy
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

    Another good one “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPKUdoBKVqc

  47. myalmostlover says:

    Weird I posted twice and it didn’t show up. Maybe three times a charm….lol

  48. myalmostlover says:

    Ok here’s my original post:

    nysharon……

    A good one is “Goodbye My Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDEEzS7OV2k

    Another one is “Never Again” by Kelly Clarkson
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPKUdoBKVqc

  49. myalmostlover says:

    For some reason it won’t let me post the the links to these two songs but they’re good ones:

    “Goodbye My Almost Lover”…by A Fine Frenzy

    “Never Again”….by Kelly Clarkson

  50. Tina says:

    Tulipa, thanks for posting the section on why they spoil things. I’ll look it up in the Fallback girl and re-read. I have read it twice but there is so much good in it, I need to read it again.

  51. lisa says:

    From reading some of your posts, I realized that now that I’m almost on the other side of getting over a bad relationship, I should reread the “Mr. Unavailable” book from my new perspective! It was that very book that helped me see myself clearly from someone else’s objective (sometimes harsh) perspective, and I was able to slowly gain the strength to put this behind me once and for all! I don’t know about everyone else, but I tried “no contact” a bunch of times with no success…. he or I always broke it after a few weeks, but the last time, I just was DONE! And it stuck. I guess it really is like an addiction. I hope to be able to be on the encouraging end of these posts where I can help someone else when they’re in the hard part of these break-ups. But for now, I’m thankful that people are taking the time to paint a clear picture for me.

  52. Used says:

    Lisa–
    “[I]t was obvious from seeing him [at the play], that they are miserable” is what you wrote. From that, I took it that he was with his wife and family, when you saw him at your son’s play. Doesn’t matter, though, b/c the fact is that he is still with them anyways. Good for you, acknowledging the wife when you saw him and sticking to not contacting him! Next time he “runs into” you, take it up a level and completely ignore him!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!