Find and Break Your Pattern
If you keep being with Mr or Miss Unavailables, this is a habit of thinking and behaviour. Whatever your pattern is, home in on it, define it and then make the conscious decision to kick the habit. The biggest help in defining (and breaking) your relationship pattern is sitting down with paper and pen and writing down the characteristics of each partner. You are bound to find a consistent thread in your relationships that’s holding you back by acting as a blind spot. Remember that the only way that you can break the pattern is to define and acknowledge it. Take the time to do the paperwork!
Press Pause on Having Sex [if it’s a blind spot]
Don’t have sex too soon [for you]. It colours the mind and your judgement. If you find that you can’t have sex without triggering emotional upheaval or pain, don’t have sex until you can. The moment that you have sex too soon is the moment that you place yourself in The Justifying Zone, the place we go when we need to justify having sex. We wind up clutching at reasons to stay with the person to justify our original decision to have sex. Nope!
Spell Out Your Needs
You haven’t got time to play guessing games. If they’re calling once a week, tell them that it’s not working for you. If they’re not making the appropriate effort for the relationship, say so, and be straight up, not wishy-washy. Your needs as well as your desire for a mutually fulfilling relationship are valid. This brings me nicely to…
Flush! One Strike and You’re Out
Until you’ve genuinely shaken the habit of being in unavailable relationships, stick to one strike and you’re out. ‘Fail’ fast and flush so that you don’t make space for accepting crumbs or shady behaviour. When they do something which clearly shows that they’re Mr (or Miss) Unavailable or it’s just downright wrong, walk away. Remember that eventually most of the adult population ends up in a relationship so walking away is not the end of life as you know it. The problem with women that love Mr and Miss Unavailables is that we don’t know when to walk away.
Easy on drugs and alcohol
These impact your ability to judge a situation or a person. If alcohol and drugs have tended to be at the centre of your previous liaisons it’s best to forgo or moderate them in the name of adding some balance and objectivity to your relationships.
Stop Worrying About Them, Be Concerned About You
One of the biggest things that hold us back and keep us in these dubious relationships with Mr and Miss Unavailables is focusing our attention on worrying about what they think, what they want, what they desire. It’s all about them! The reality is that if they were thinking about you, not only would you not be reading this but you wouldn’t be in a relationship with a Mr/Miss Unavailable. Put yourself first. If you don’t, you will always be on the backfoot and unhappy. If we don’t love ourselves, how the hell do we expect to welcome love, and good love at that, into our lives?
Listen to your gut
If your gut says run, run. The problem is that we fail to listen to our gut and allow the brain to rationalise crap behaviour from a partner and justify our choices. If you don’t listen to your gut, you’re ignoring the core of yourself.
Do New Things
Break old habits and do new things. If you’re used to doing certain things that have contributed to your dubious relationships, stop doing them, and don’t fall off the wagon. If you do fall off the wagon, get back on it. Don’t succumb to your own bad choices.
Get Happy
If your self-esteem is low, the addition of a partner will only be a temporary fix. You owe it to yourself to have good self-esteem so that you have space for positive relationships and interactions in your life. It is difficult to operate from a positive place when your self-esteem is low.
Ready to stop being in emotionally unavailable and shady relationships? Check out my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl as well as my course, Break The Cycle of Emotional Unavailability.
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