Kissing Cock Ups

October 17, 2005 by NML

Don’t slobber
Babies drool, adults shouldn’t. I remember having a cheeky snog at the disco in my teens and being left with a wet face, but I would hope that I have left behind this type of experience firmly in my teen years. There shouldn’t be saliva on either parties cheeks because unless I am mistaken, you’re supposed to kissing, not eating each others heads.

Keep The Dinner in Your Stomach
I don’t mean don’t vomit, I mean that if you can feel deposits of food in your mouth, get rid of them before you engage in tonsil tennis. The only unexpected surprise should be how wonderful the kiss is, not a little piece of meat!

Have a break, have a Tic Tac?
I don’t care what anyone says, you know when you have bad breath, so have mint, a tic tac, a chewing gum before you engage in kissing. I’m of a sensitive disposition and inclined to feel nauseous if the smell is bad enough.

It’s Kissing Not Vacuuming
I once kissed a guy that kissed me as if he was trying to suck out my internal organs. It was so frickin unpleasant that over two years on and I’m still shuddering at the thought. Don’t attempt to suck out each others insides and instead engage in actually kissing each other.

Less of the Anaconda Moves
Ever been kissing a guy and he’s gripping you so hard that it feels like he might crack your ribs or snap your back in two? I say a guy, as I am yet to hear of a man complain of the same thing. Unless the girl is scratching the face off the man, she wants to kiss him, hence there is no need to crush her in his attempt to hold on to her. Know your strength boys!

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Now this is sometimes a good thing, but it sometimes a bad thing too. Know your target! When it’s a first kiss, I personally think that getting the bulge straight off the bat, pressed against you, does change the ‘feel’ of the first kiss. If I’m kissing a guy and thinking how romantic it is, you can be damn sure that a bit of sausage pressed against me will wreck that. Sometimes being a little chaste is nice! However, if things are headed down the sex route fairly soon after the first kiss, happy days and press away!

Lickety Lick
Licking is not something that everybody likes to do when they are kissing. There are gentle licks of the lips which are nice and sexy, and then there’s actually big lick strokes of the face and lips that make it look like it’s an ice-cream that’s being licked.

Darting and Jabbing
Everyone has their own kissing styles but I think it’s safe to say that darting or jabbing the tongue in and out is not very sexy. It lacks a rhythm and coordinated effect.

Spin Cycle
Swirling the tongue around the mouth as if clothes are being washed is so high school! It lacks finesse and causes a lot of saliva build up. I don’t think anyone wants to feel as if they’re having their laundry done in their mouth and it would be best to slow your roll.

Once Bitten Twice Shy
There’s nibbling and there’s biting in cannibalism territory. If you draw blood, it’s not a good thing. If there’s flinching, it’s probably not a good thing. A gentle nibble is key when it comes to teeth and lips. Imagine the lips are as precious as your downstairs bits and it’s quite likely that the biting will stop!

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