I was surfing through blogs the other day and read about someone’s sloppy kissing experience and immediately had flashbacks to some of my awful experiences, of which almost all of them are from more than five years ago, thank goodness! My worst kissing experience was about eight years ago when a friend of mine pulled a bloke and I ended up being left alone with his mate by default. I wasn’t remotely interested and when he eventually appeared to give in and say goodbye, he tried to go for the kill and snog me. As he breathed on me and shoved his tongue in, in about two seconds flat, I got a weird taste and pushed him off me and said goodbye very quickly. What was wrong? He tasted as if he had gone down south earlier.

Not everyone is like that though, but here are some suggestions that will make sure that you stay on the right side of kissing.

1. Don’t jam the tongue straight in. Have some decorum! It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
2. Work up to the tongue. Start with your mouth being closed and then open it a little. You can then have little dips of the tongue (easy with the pace) and then you can go for the full tongue. It can be very disconcerting if you go for the full tonsil taster straight off the bat.
3. Match pace or adjust with the person that you’re kissing. Find the rhythm with the person and don’t try to just keep going with your own as the kiss will feel clumsy.
4. Keep the saliva in the mouth. It is soooo unpleasant to stop a kiss and find that your chin or cheeks are covered in saliva goo. Yeuch!
5. Don’t open your mouth to wide. Are you trying to swallow the person whole? How wide you can open your mouth is great for demonstrating your BJ capabilities if that’s what floats your boat, but it scores you no brownie points for kissing.
6. Don’t lick like a cat. Don’t treat the poor person as if you’re going down on their face. You can however do little licks of the lips. Try this gently though.
7. Don’t grope straight off the bat. When you kiss, it is really inappropriate to go straight for the tit, bum, or even the dick. Keep your hands around their neck or their waists, particularly if it’s a first kiss. Touching these areas is not something that should happen in the first few minutes.
8. Don’t grip too hard. I once kissed a guy who had me in a clenched bear hug. Relax your grip.
9. Don’t overact. I often see people kissing as if they are in a love scene in a movie with the heads swivelling dramatically from side to side. You look stupid, not passionate.
10. Don’t surprise them with a kiss. This is not the done thing for a first kiss and they will not appreciate you creeping up on them and going for kiss by catching them off guard. You don’t force kisses, there tends to be a moment, a feeling, and this doesn’t come about from creeping up on them.
11. Don’t stick your tongue in their ear, unless you’ve been together a while and you know they like it. This is the territory of people who’ve been together for a bit, not first timers. Not everybody likes this and it is an acquired taste. Approach with caution as the recipient may get all yeuched out. If you do put the tongue in there, don’t fill it with saliva as this feels just as irritating as when you get water in it in the pool or shower. Maybe go for the earlobe instead as this is less intrusive/ Everything should be gentle, don’t blow hard, don’t lick to hard and just go easy!
12. No stank breath. You want the person to fancy you more, not get chocked out or feel tempted to bring up the contents of their dinner. Have a chewing gum (get rid of it before the kiss!) or a mint. Brush your teeth before your date and use a tongue scraper. Have a drink after your meal to get rid of food particles.
13. Leave the vacuuming at home. Don’t attempt to suck out the persons insides or their tongue. Have some finesse!
14. Don’t bite. You aren’t auditioning for a vampire movie, so don’t bite on the persons lips. You can however nibble gently. If you’re the type of person who often gets accused of playing too rough or not knowing their own strength, steer clear of this move.
15. If the person pulls away, don’t keep trying to force your tongue down their gob. Give them a moment as they may need a breather. If they are still holding you it’s a good sign, but if they pull away suddenly or within the first few moments, something may be amiss. Don’t be sulky about it as you’ll look like a childish git. Keep your self respect and respect the fact that they may not want to kiss.
16. Take your tongue off spin cycle. Don’t keep circling round and round their tongue like a washing machine. It’s very teenage behaviour but it also builds up a lot of saliva.
17. Let the person come up for air. What are you trying to do? Choke them?!
18. Don’t kiss with a coldsore. Not really the best of starts to a kiss and it would be a better idea to wait till it has cleared up.
19. You can kiss the neck when you have both relaxed but it’s best not to suckerdart yourself to their necks. Lovebites aren’t very attractive on adults. Leave it to the randy teenagers. Remember to be gentle, do butterly kisses, small nibbles, but easy on the saliva.
20. Do alter your rhythm or technique. Don’t just keep going at it with the same move. Alternate, start slow, pick up the pace a little, bringing them with you every step of the way. Do no tongue, lots of snogging, a little tongue, butterfly kisses. Be sexy!

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My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!