Knowing when to work at a relationship is a bit of minefield. Should you stay? Should you go? If you stay, should you just wait to see if things get better in time? Should you try to get your partner to change? Should you keep talking about the issues in the hope that it triggers understanding, remorse, resolve to change, and subsequent action? Should you stay because it’s better than going back out there and starting over? Isn’t something better than nothing even if something brings your self-esteem to the floor? How do you know when to work at your relationship?
The decision is driven by a variety of motivations, with some of these actually being smokescreens for fear, plus you’d be surprised at how many people want to work at a relationship that they know on a fundamental level is actually not right for them, whether it’s down to conflicting values (incompatible), conflicting behaviours (eventually incompatible if not resolved), or unhealthy behaviour that’s staying unhealthy (still incompatible).
- You might, for instance, decide to stay because you reason that you’ve been there for X years so it’s too late to turn back now – the whole not wanting to lose your ‘investment’.
- You might decide to stay because you remember how things used to be and even if that time was a long time ago, you want to try to get it back.
- You might decide to stay because something happened that dealt a blow to the other party which changed their behaviour. It hasn’t always been this way and there was a time when you had a pretty healthy relationship.
- You might decide to stay because you realise that you’ve accepted something for so long (being casual, putting up with abuse, repeated cheating) that to leave would be like “Oh my God, I put up with [insert whatever it is) for X years!” and you don’t want to face that outside of the relationship and may even wonder who will want you now.
- You may feel like you’re dependent on them and to start over would create, for example, an emotional and financial hole. Particularly if you feel like you’re “too old” to start over, staying will seem attractive.
- You might stay because you love them even if you don’t love your relationship and how your life is very much.
- You might stay because you think that this is all that you’re worth.
- You may have children together and worry about what leaving may do, or be afraid of being just like your own parents.
- You may be afraid of ‘failure’ and feel like not continuing to work at it is an indelible black mark against you.
How do you know when to work at your relationship? When both parties are willing to work together and when you’re willing to also address any issues you may personally have.
Working at your relationship involves working together to find a solution you can both positively live with – compromise. If your solution involves you losing yourself, that’s not compromise – it’s loss. ‘Work’ is also not waiting for the other person to change…
You know when you realise that someone doesn’t share the same values as you and you try to get them to change to your values or what you think their values ‘should’ be? It creates distrust and communicates a lack of acceptance.
We trust people who share the same core values. If you push very hard for them to switch values, you’re actually disrespecting them.
The answer to all relationship issues isn’t to break up or threaten to – breaking up is what you do to end a relationship, not what you do to force through what you want. Sometimes stepping away helps to gain objectivity, but it’s not the type of thing that should really be done more than once or a couple of times, after all, breaking up doesn’t make problems go away – addressing problems addresses problems.
Some things to look for:
1. Having an already existing foundation to work from. If the relationship has lacked healthiness from the outset, it stands to reason that you’re working to fix something that never worked in the first place. The true test of a relationship isn’t how you weather the good times, but how you weather the inevitable difficulties in life.
You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle their problems in a relationship.
Do they avoid them or do they handle them? When someone avoids the existence or true nature of their problems, they’ll blame you or everyone else, or they’ll stonewall or make feigned attempts at addressing and then go back to their old ways, or they’ll cheat/look for attention elsewhere. Just like breaking up doesn’t make problems go away, neither does avoiding them – it’s like hiding all of the bills you’re not paying.
If the relationship is new and you have to work at it like a long term relationship, that’s jacked up though – you’re not that desperate.
Here’s a foundation – mutual love, care, trust, and respect, or at the very least care, trust, and respect. If one or more of these areas are breached by your partner, you’ll have to work with them to get past the issue.
2. The issues being identified and concerted effort to work at tackling the solutions. Maybe you can both figure it out together, but if you’re like the blind leading the blind or things are pretty difficult, a neutral third party professional can help to navigate the issues. Go to one that’s solutions and actions focused. Yeah you can talk but you also need to be doing.
If you mostly talk and you both keep reneging on doing the things to make your situation different, the window of opportunity for change will pass because you will both lose faith in your respective abilities to really do anything.
If one party has particular issues that greatly impact the relationship (maybe they’re affected by a bereavement, career etc), depending on what they are, they need to be working at addressing these with you and will need your support. And vice versa if it’s you that has issues.
3. Your boundaries, which are your personal electric fence and your personal code of what does and doesn’t work for you, also play a large part. I’ve managed to squeeze in my fair share of working at shady relationships in my relatively short relationship history. Guess what? For me, it doesn’t work to work at a relationship where there is mind effery, racism, alcoholism, drugs, and cheating. Fact.
4. The truth. I’m all for working at a relationship, but you cannot work at something and fix issues that one or both of you are in denial about. It’s also pretty tricky to work at a relationship with a habitual liar and it’s also difficult to work at something where they keep dripfeeding the truth or will beg, steal, borrow and lie to keep you in the relationship or to win you back, but then show little or no remorse and act like “Problem? What problem?” and guilt you into looking like a jackass for bringing up “Old sh*t” when actually, it’s current because the problem still exists.
Remember: If a problem has existed for a long time, it may take a while to unravel.
Also remember: Some people spend their lives flip flapping over decisions and some people stick with decisions for the long-term that should have been reevaluated because what they originally made the decision on no longer stands – this is also something to consider.
One of the best things that you can do though if you’re unsure of what to do, is make sure that you’re actively nurturing you and working on your own self-esteem. Not only does it give you personal security, but it also gives you a balanced perspective where you won’t blame you for ‘everything’ or make unnecessary changes based on panic and ego.
Ultimately, the decision and choice to work at a relationship is individual. Code amber and red behaviour is universal and yet every day people choose to be the exception for their own reasons in spite of compelling reasons to take a different course of action. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to give something a shot but don’t do it based on fear – one day you’ll look back and wish that you’d made a decision either way, based on love, even if that were loving yourself.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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@TeaCozy
Totally agree. Much of it was just “virtual fantasy” with us just talking over a long term period before actually meeting face to face and I never wanted this. I kept telling him that hey if we are going to talk we need to be getting to a point of actually MEETING; so he knows that I stressed that. If anyone should feel bad about all of this it is him. When we finally met face to face it was just “OK “for me and OKAY is really not enough if you want to see yourself with someone long term. Physically; Mentally; and spirtual connection have to be on point. That I UNDERSTAND. I looked at all the things. All the RED FLAGS. I watched how we interacted those entire 3 days that he came to visit AND IT WAS JUST OKAY. He went back and interacted with me as if he still wanted to talk but I could also notice his change in attitude; his constantly picking fights with me just so i could get mad and give him an easy OUT. All of a sudden now I was too demanding; and very “impatient” is what he says. I don’t really think it has anything to do with him not being physically attracted to me. I think it has alot to do with him knowing what I am not going to except; that I totally want a man who is going to have to form a COMMITMENT TO ME ; and I believe Reality just sat in with him. He told me that I reminded him some of the ways of his mother. This is what he says in front of his daughter while we were all together in the car. Asking his daughter in front of me Who does she remind you of? he way His daughter smiling and replying “Granny”… I didn’t know what to take of this. I have to honestly say its been two weeks and neither of us have really made an effort to contact each other. A Part of me wants to reach out and say something to the effect; Hey just wanted to say hello. I never heard back from you. Hope things are looking up for you (with his JOB LOSS). Just being the Godly person that I am. Not expecting anything in return. Only showing him how lovable I can be inspite of. But apart of me says to not REACH OUT and let him contact me. Just trying to stay the course and hang in there ladies… Your thoughts to keep me on tract today would appreciated. XOXO
Awakened
I’m gonna have another go at this. No-one is trying to make you feel bad. We’re trying to make you see your part in it so you don’t fall for it again. This kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME. It’s not like being struck by lightning. If you don’t get yourself in order, it WILL happen again.
“Much of it was just “virtual fantasy” with us just talking over a long term period before actually meeting face to face and I never wanted this” but you did it. Don’t do things you don’t want to do.
I totally want a man who is going to have to form a COMMITMENT TO ME . So why burn up this time and energy on a man who clearly doesn’t want those things. What are you trying to achieve?
“Not expecting anything in return” but you ARE expecting something in return (which is fine if it were likely) because you later say “But apart of me says to not REACH OUT and let him contact me.” You are waiting for him to call the shots. Don’t do that.
And to top it off. I get the impresion you don’t even like him.
It’s like saying – the tobacco companies SHOULD feel bad that kids are smoking, they SHOULD feel bad that they sell this stuff, theySHOULD feel bad about the money they make but – I won’t quit smoking until they quit selling it and if I get cancer it’s their fault!
Mind you, sounds like he has quit and you’re still there.
You are in the danger zone. Your desperation to justify staying in this and making him 100% responsible for the (perceived) failure could land you in hot (or rather lukewarm) water for a very long time that will make seven months seem like a walk in the park.
Hey!
I have read loads of articles on this site, over and over and over…. i’ve only been dating my guy for about 3 months but i got to that freaky stage where you wannaknow whats going on, soi asked and he basically rejected me saying “can’t we just keep things as they are?” (er, no, if you cant decide if you want me after 3 months then its obviously a no… i get that) but then the most extraordinary thing happened, i told him that i was going to start seeing other people then, and to leave me think about whether i want to see him anymore… he then rung me an hour or so later saying “i think we should get together” …. what! this never happens, he was scared he wouldnt see me and bucked his ideas up. great…. NOT!!!
He’s now speaking to me even less despite the fact hes going away on holidays today and said he’d be in touch before he left, my stalker within has checked his flight times and hes leaving in an hour and still nothing! last night when i called to see what was up he responded “phones work both ways” …… DING DING top prize smart arse, seriously… mind games make me want to die! any advice?
Thanks xxxxxx
Loopy
If he’s not looking to hook up with someone while he’s on holiday I will eat this keyboard.
Drop him – you don’t want the same things. A knee jerk reaction to being given the push is not the same as commitment.
LOL!! thanks for your reply grace it made me laugh my head off!
Your right, god knows what he’s planning on getting up to this week!
Perhaps it was a kneejerk reaction but hopefully this week will give us both some space to think about things, im pretty confident i’ll be dropping this one though, its been stressful for the past couple of weeks feels like we’re in some sort of power struggle, which obviously isnt the basis of a good relationship anyway!
Thanks again for your input =) xxx
@crazybaby
As one of those 50 somethings residing on the scrap heap, I hear ya. The handful of older, healthy, men available either go for the younger chicks, or just wanna play with no pressure to have any responsibility/ accountability in their lives. I feel strongly that our lives need to have actual purpose . Not all of us can retire and go play when we turn 50.
Three months ago my boyfriend of 6 years decided he no longer wanted to be with me. He said ” I like to argue too much.” I have a 10 year old son not with him but he was there with me since my son was 4. We lived together for the first 4 years and than the last two years we lived separately as we thought that was best. During the 6 years we were together I can not even count how many times we broke up and everytime we broke up he said its because I like to argue and he needs to get his life together. he is 38 and I am 32- he has 3 kids all of which live in different states and he never speaks or sees them they are 18 and 14- two of them are twins. I know that I should just move on and realize that i deserve better but in my mind i keep thinking if I can not get this guy to want to be with me or love me who the hell will. If the emotionally unavailable man is a loser and he doesnt want you than what does that say about who you are. I know I shouldnt think like that but I jsut find that anytime he chose to leave he put the blame on me and than when a few months goes by he calls again and wants to get back together. he called last night to “see how I was doing” and than when i started to talk about my feelings he said ” i didnt call to hear your feelings I called to see how you were doing” please help because i am feeling very depressed and i need to figure this out.
Miranda
none of us can get emotionally unavailable men to love us – that’s the whole point – they are *unavailable* for a healthy, progressing, mutual relationship with you or with anyone else. I spent years trying to get one of these men to love me; he never gave a rat’s arse about how I felt about the “relationship” – he pretended to sometimes, but he so patently didn’t. Thanks to BR and Natalie, I now realise that the person I most needed to love me was me; the person I most needed to be emotionally available to me was me. I have the impression that you need to do the same. Keep reading BR; it is such a great help.
Miranda,
Please don’t waste another 6 years of your life!
He takes no responsibility for the relationship,doesn’t give a damn about your feelings, has no relationship with the children and has broken with you many times. He has shown and told you that there is NO Future!
It’s time to accept that this relationship had run its course long ago. I would also consider how the instability of the relationship is affecting your son, he is picking up very poor relationship habits.
You deserve so much better than this chaos. Time to stop the drama making in your life!
you are definitely right… I am so angry inside because I feel like i allowed this man to come in my life and play games as well as pretend to be someone who is going to be around my son. i worry that because of how bad this relationship was that i will never be able to trust a man again
Miranda,
let me just add:
“If the emotionally unavailable man is a loser and he doesnt want you than what does that say about who you are.”?
Answer: Nothing! Nada! Zilch!
Why do you imagine your personal value and worth is dependent on the judgement of an emotionally stunted loser? What qualifies him for this?
You are 100% right…. I have been living with the “idea” that he is going to get better because that is what he has always put in my head. I have always known that if i could just be in the relationship and not said anything about anything he does it would be perfect but what kind of relationship is that. I try to explain this to him because I want to think he cares but his actions always show different.
i keep obsessing over our relationship or what i considered our relationship because my fear of letting go is that he will get with someone else and be the man i wanted him to be in our relationship-
Miranda
He is who he is, with or without you. I bet his estranged children and their mother hoped he’d turn into a better father/husband, but he didn’t, cos he is the man he is. I bet his ex wife/ex g/friends all wondered or worried that he’d be a better man with the next woman. You ARE the next woman and you didn’t get a better man; just same shit different pants.
I used to wonder if my ex EUM would be a better man with a new woman. I don’t wonder that now. I know he will be exactly the same emotionally stingy fecker that he was with me, that he was with all of his ex’s… that he will be with whomever he takes up with next. I pity the next woman who goes through the same emotional spinner with him as I did (and truth is women with good self-esteem who know what they are looking for in a relationship would walk away from him within a week or two – and same goes for your man; he’s going to need to bag himself another messed up woman so all his relationships will be a recipe for disaster – it’s inevitable.
You need to stop focusing/worrying about him changing (not likely!) and start worrying about YOU making the changes and the growth you need to make in order to give YOU a chance to make a better relationship with a better man! Stop imagining him in a better relationship and start imagining *yourself* in one!
Lastly, stop explaining stuff to him that you don’t back up with action. Without action all he hears is ‘blah’ – ad infinitum. Be action based. Find Nat’s post about the ‘woman who talks too much’. You’re pissing into the wind with the endless ‘ let me tell you again for the five hundred and fifty millionth time how I feel and what I want….’ The more you repeat yourself the less credibility you have. He is not listening. Why would he be? The only thing he will hear is actions.
wow your post said it all. I never thought about how I was the other woman and how he was the same to me that he was the his ex’s. thank you so much for your response
I am in a dilemma about whether I should work at a relationship (or two…!). I am married to a man who is honest, reliable, caring, loving and respects me. He’s not perfect but he is generally a good guy. However, I do not find him physically attractive and no longer wish to have sex with him. I think I only married him because he makes me feel safe and secure. This is important, but then so is sex. Last year I met a man who I think is probably textbook emotionally unavailable and yet I find him incredibly sexually attractive. I am not proud of this but I have been having an affair with him (a bit on and off because he’s EU…). I guess once the initial sexual excitement wears off I will be left with an EU man which won’t make him seem like a particularly good choice. Regardless of whether I end up with the new man, I just don’t know whether I should leave my husband when I don’t want any physical contact with him. We are essentially best friends and I am depriving him of being with someone who will love him in *every* way. I don’t exactly want anyone to make the decision for me (!) but would value anyone’s opinion about whether to stay in a sexless marriage, which is clearly making me rather unhappy. Is this a case of Natalie saying sometimes you’re just incompatible?
Best wishes to Natalie and all you wonderful ladies who post on this site. xx
Hi Ferncat,
I can’t answer your question other than to say since you’re a) having an affair and b) having an affair with an EU man, it’s pretty clear that you’re emotionally unavailable yourself. If it were me, I’d end the affair, sit tight and try and figure it out. I’d also aim to be honest and fair with your husband. Good luck!
Thanks for responding Fenella. Yes, I believe I am EU myself. I do believe that ending the affair will be the best way to get clarity on my situation. I have discussed the lack of interest in sex with my husband and we are currently in separate bedrooms. He doesn’t know about my affair. I do need to speak to him again soon but am absolutely dreading it. After reading this site for about a year the alternative of divorce and entering the dating world again doesn’t look very hopeful at all…!!
Ferncat,
I was in this situation myself. What has helped me has been therapy and exploring how I feel about my husband. To begin with I had felt that my lack of sexual interest in my husband was the problem. I had never really been very attracted to him. However therapy has helped me see that it does go deeper than that. There is a lot more wrong between us and my reasons for marrying him were based a lot on fear of being alone, feeling not good enough, fear of marrying a man like my father. I am now sure I want to end the marriage, for the right reasons and not the affair, and am trying to do that, although there are great practical difficulties, which are another whole issue. The affair no longer seems relevant really, it never was a matter of choosing between them. At this point the thought of being alone does not alarm me at all. I would welcome it. Personally I think that deciding whether to stay or leave a marriage, if the man isn’t an AC (though in fact I realise that my husband has behaved like an AC and I was in denial about that) requires some real serious self examination and I have found therapy very helpful for that purpose. If you did feel attracted to you husband at the beginning, I would say there is more hope for you of getting that back, but not while the affair is ongoing.
For your own sanity I would end it. You will feel much better about yourself.
Mymble,
I am very grateful to you for sharing your story with me. There do seem like there are a lot of similarities in both our situations. I have tried therapy in the past and am just not very good at ‘getting at’ the real issues. I don’t know if I just haven’t found the right therapist but I obviously have some deep issues that haven’t been addressed. I think my affair was a catalyst for change and although I have been enjoying feeling like a sexual being again he is damaging my self-esteem by basically being an AC like all the others that are discussed on this site. I can’t say that I was hugely attracted to my husband at first – I guess initially it was fairly lustful because I had been single for quite a while and was happy to be getting some…! But that was 12 years ago and for most of our time together ever since I have not felt any desire for him and we are just coasting along as friends, albeit pretty good ones. He had anger issues for years which did some damage to our relationship, and although he has actually been better at managing his anger over the past couple of years I feel I have kind of detached myself from him emotionally and can’t ever see myself enjoying sex with him again, particularly as it was never exactly amazing in the first place. I think the affair is coming to an end anyway – he is becoming increasingly flaky and it has more lows than highs. He’s the one that resembles my father in some ways – pretty much an alcoholic and not fully present. I presume you meant end the affair at the end of your comment rather than my marriage? I really appreciate you taking the time to post a reply to me.
Hi Ferncat,
I’m in a similar situation myself too and trying to work through it. I had an affair with a married man who was extremely unavailable and in fact a grade A shit but that I found extremely attractive sexually. I thought that I had hit the jackpot because I found a feeling I was missing. But what I have come to realise is that it is the unavailability and ambiguous treatment that fuels the desire in a EUW/me and that safe and secure is too close and can be a turn off. And is also linked to your own feelings about yourself. If they like me they can’t be that great.
What I am trying to do is see if I can work on my own unavailability and try and open up more to my LT partner and enjoy a physical relationship and it is starting to work. It is such a change in mindset though and there are no miracles unfortunately. But I think trying to appreciate the safety and security and recognising it as important in a rounded relationship is important. And trying to create a different sort of desire. One that isn’t built on fear. Not sure if this helps – it is certainly helping me to articulate it!
Polly,
Many thanks to you too for telling me what you’ve been going through. Yes, the jackpot feeling is very familiar to me! And it’s hard to let go of my lover even though he’s not really a very decent human being if I’m totally honest. You don’t say whether you were fully attracted to your LT partner at the start – I was a bit but it didn’t last. In fact we split up after a couple of years but I carried on living in his house, and we got back together about a year later because he clearly wanted me back and I wanted the security of the house etc and didn’t want to go it alone. Not exactly the best basis upon which to get married! If I had moved out when we first split up I doubt very much that we would have got back together because it just didn’t feel completely right with him. I have found though that sex has gone ‘off’ in all my long-term relationships and I do wonder if deep down maybe I’m frightened of true intimacy or something, even though I have maintained it in the past for a good while before I go off sex. It’s all so difficult! I wish you lots of luck with your onward journey.
Thank you for your response Ferncat. In answer to your question – yes I have been attracted but never in that mad obsessive way we feel when we are trying to extract love from someone who witholds it. When it is freely given it doesn’t seem to hold the same value. It sounds to me like we have had similar feelings and issues. I too ended things early in the relationship and ended up going back. I have often regretted that decision and feel like I trapped myself. Although I now recognise that as a response related to my fear of intimacy and commitment. We also have children.
It is a dilemma indeed to work out whether you can recreate something good from a LTR that has always felt like something was missing – even when the thing missing is your own emotional availability. I remember someone on here – I think it was Sunshine – throwing me some clarity on the subject. She said that the reason things feel off with someone who is open and keen is because it is at odds with your own feelings about yourself. Once you start thinking you are great then people who agree with you are congruent with your own values so you are attracted. It makes sense intellectually but it is acting it and feeling it that is the difficult bit. But I do believe that you can’t feel it if you don’t try and live it. So I am determined to persevere. My 2 yr affair ended about 8 months ago and it is only in the last 3 months ago that I have been able to start really focusing on my relationship.
Thanks for sharing x
@Grace You get the impression that i don’t like him. Wow you are so head on…. when you said that! lol I can definitely say that I know that this man is not a good fit for me(IF HE WERE HE WOULD HAVE NOT WENT POOF…. for last two weeks going on three AND WE WOULD STILL BE TALKING. You lost me when you said you are letting him call the shots… His birthday just passed this Sat. THAT WAS MY DIMSAL IN DISTRESS SHOT RIGHT THERE, (to have a reason to reach out with a HAPPY Birthday and I didn’t athough I am sure he was probably expecting for me to.
Awakened
If you thought talking for three weeks without meeting was too long because it’s going to develop an attachment without meeting the person to see if you are attracted physically, mentally, emotionally, etc… then there is no one to blame but yourself for doing something that you were not cool with.
Secondly, you say that when you met him – you didn’t even find him really attractive. So, first you were annoyed about talking on the phone for so long, then when you actually met him, you realized that he wasn’t doing it for you.
Then, when you didn’t get the adoration you expected from him after you met, you turned the tables saying that now you want a commitment from him. So you want a commitment from a man you weren’t attracted to? Or is it that now he isn’t available to you, there is a pull towards you feeling abandoned and reaching out for him…
You aren’t being a godly person by sending someone a message who clearly is not expressing interest in you, secondly – someone your not even interested in, a lastly you are more or less disrespecting yourself, you aren’t being genuine, or godly, you are trying to prove your worth to him because you sensed some sort of rejection in a man you werent even interested in. And, after meeting someone for the first time in person doesn’t call for a relationship off the gate either even if you were into him.
My ex of 7 years has been texting me, and tried calling two weeks ago after two months of a break up. Not the first time we’ve broken up, but the last. I have stuck to NC religiously. And it’s because I want to be NC. I slowly made changes in my life the past year to get away from him. Wasn’t easy, but when I finally ended it, there was no stopping me. It was hard the first 6 weeks, but then I started getting out, reconnecting with old friends, making new, dating… and not from a place of ‘need’ or boredom, but because I’m actually happy with myself. He started txting me a few weeks ago, called once. Saw me out with a very good-looking man Tuesday night, would not stop staring at us. Followed me to the bathroom, he was shaking he was so nervous. He tried kissing me, but I wasn’t having it. I blocked his # beforehand, so he was messaging me through FB the rest of the night. Saying how sorry he was… loves me so much, he bettered himself, wants to show me… yada yada yada. I have to admit, some if it did sound genuine. But, he equals pain to me. I have tried changing him (without realizing it) for years. It was me that changed now, and I don’t want him. I still miss him, still have feelings for him, but not enough to put myself in the possible line of fire I know all too well. Could he be genuine? who knows… that’s the thing, I don’t know. All I know is what he put me through, how he made me feel hundreds of times… and why would going back to that… appeal to me? Where has he been? who has he been with? what changed? and… tells me he “let me go cause I thought i was doing the right thing for you”… umm..whatt?? I have not responded other than, “I am happy, do not contact me any more, you did do the right thing by leaving me alone, continue to do so, I want no part of this. Good bye”. He continued to message me through 6:30am… and the next day. I cannot go back this time… I just can’t. And I think he’s shocked that I haven’t responded at all… and not at his door. Never again.