Wow! I think somebody from above is trying to relay a message to me, saying that i’m not alone.

My mother and I have always butt-heads ever since I can remember. She is not a good mother and now as an adult, she actually has a very low sense of herself and lack dignity.

Growing up in a divorced household, my mother has always, “always” picked her men over her children. Pecking order? Her men is “always’ number 1 then her job, then her cosmetics, then her properties, then her money… her children are always dead last and sometimes, doesn’t even make it on her list.

On her days off, she would spend it her her boyfriends rather than with her children. She had introduced us as her “cousins” to her potential boyfriends to appear younger to them.

I can go on with all of the garbage my parents dumped on us but I’ll spare you.

I haven’t spoke to my Mom since last year when she tried to extort money from me. She asked me to pay her back every cent she’d spent on her only grandchild and I told her I will as soon as I earn it. And unlike her, I keep my promises.

The examples both of my parents showed me were more than your average dysfunction. Both of my parents are self-centered, selfish, undignified, uncaring, toxic, pretty much almost everything negative you can throw at a child and screw her up, my parents threw it at us.

None of her children talks to her. During my Father’s funeral, my siblings only came because they wanted to support me. I was the only child of theirs that was upset of his death. My siblings weren’t.

I’ve often asked myself, if these 2 people, our parents didn’t want to have children, why didn’t they allow us to be adopted by other family members? Family members wanted to adopt us and raise us in a loving, caring environment, yet, they were the ones who were offended when other family members offered to adopt us. They saw how cruel and uncaring our parents were to us, yet, they decided to stay selfish out of their sake of “saving face!” It has taken me over 20 years of therapy to undo all of the garbage they dumped on me!

As an adult, we all have to come to terms on how we were brought up and eventually start taking responsibility for our actions and feelings. My parents no longer has control over me and the best thing for me is to have no contact with my Mother. She’s a very toxic person who wants nothing to do with any of her children. Growing up, we’re so used to hearing the words, “you stole my youth!” while we were cowering in a corner. There was a time that my mother abandoned me at 15, to move in with her boyfriend at the time. I was left with no food or money, just a roof over my head. She moved 47 miles away and only came by for about 30 mins on weekends to pick up her bills.

It’s no wonder I am the way I am today. Hungry for love, attention, acceptance. The basic foundation of childhood was never given to me nor my siblings and being the oldest, I got the brunt of it. The little love I have left, I had to give to my siblings in order for them to somehow grow up halfway “normal” life, whatever normal is.

But through years of therapy, I had to undo a lot of hurt and lack of self-respect and extremely low self-esteem. I’m still going through therapy, but my issues weren’t as bad as it was when I first begun my journey.

Even writing all of this therapuetic. Thank you again NML.

Sherry

But … it’s also an opportunity to finally confront my codependency and my responsibility in keeping myself in a state of immaturity. I like the ‘best friend’ test above and remember using it in the past and will do it again. I am reading this site every day and rereading books which helped me in the past. I am finally, finally beginning to understand what it means to attend to my own needs because I’ve been forced into doing it or sinking and losing everything I’ve worked so hard to gain in my life.

This is the scariest my life has ever been and I am just so grateful that I didn’t go out with the EUM because I think I’d be insane by now!!
raven´s last blog ..reasons to be cheerful – 2

As far as I’ve come, I wonder if I can ever TRULY have peace of mind. At least therapy and other things have helped. Still though…..

So, I offer this link as a companion piece to NML’s equally wise words about the difficulties of parental relationships:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=1&em

God Bless everyone xxx

Now, as a middle aged woman I had dealt with my parents rejection and forgiven them ( mom dead, dad does not stay in touch). But, with the EUM It was a shock to learn that someone could bring back all those feelings and make me feel bad about me and face that again. I had never experienced this outside of my parents and they had been out of my life for decades, So, yes, clear honesty and boundaries were something I never learned until him and NC.

But heres the killer and the relate to this post. I also laid in bed realizing that this not so great parenting not only influences our self esteem, till we deal with it, but is likely passed on through generations…it is likely whatever your Mom did it to you is because it was the way she was parented.

Enter compassion for the parent, then forgiveness, and then the needed behaviorial boundaries to protect us and challenge the “abuse” they can bring up in us, even if we think we have worked through the abuse.

I then laid in bed and hoped to all hell I had not passed this crap on to my only child and introspection led me to find that I dealt with my parents criticism and abandonment before passing it on to my kid. Must have been instinctive, praise be.

But, even if I am wrong and maybe I blew it it still is NEVER too late to let her know how great I think she is. In fact I think I will make a point to do that more often.

Another excellent point here is something I try to live by. Being clear and honest with others about how you feel, that is the key to being at peace within. Honesty may not bring the desired outcome but you have done everything in your power to do what you need to do to communicate wisely. I think this is so important to teach kids too.

In order to have relationships where the person is honest and communicates with empathy, I also have to be honest with myself and communicate the same way.
Lots of self-examination then.

As I gradually figure things out and get my own act together, the people who would otherwise be stressful seem to drop away and or I am ready to let go of them.
I change my expectations if there is a relationship I think I HAVE to have for some reson (i.e. parent or work) and don’t expect them to be who I want them to be — rather I stop hurting myself by acknowledging they aren’t going to do better or different and so I don’t get disappointed by my own dreams or hopes or a belief system that wasn’t based on fact.

Every relationship is a choice. Every single one.
It is how much we are willing to work on ourselves to choose peace and happiness versus habit that will bring us the result we are in alignment with.