Comments on: Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist

By: Elle

Elle — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 10:49:33 +0000

…Thanks, HAC. This is my first AC experience, at a fairly ripe old age of 33, so every new phase of it is off-putting to say the least! But I have been thinking about that issue of being rejected by someone who never truly accepted you. It’s weird to me how those who truly love and accept us CAN (in theory) reject us but they just don’t, and those that don’t accept us CAN’T (in theory) reject us (only the possibility of accepting us), but we take it so terribly, as if they had gotten to know and love us, and then bailed! It’s like that issue you mentioned of missing someone who was never truly present. My ex-AC said that directly, that he wasn’t with me. I had, of course, tried to address this remoteness in the relationship and he blamed me for starting trouble! Anyway, on with the right path…

By: HAC

HAC — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 03:52:03 +0000

Elle yes.. there will be bad days..days when you feel vulnerable and you are tempted to pick up that phone and call or days when you are filled with self loathe and even days when you feel so much animosity on the inside ..but the great thing is we are headed in the right direction, we’ve seen these people for what they truly are.I am in my beginning stages , where am still grappling with the stark reality of my situation so I havent gotten to the “missing terribly” syndrome but I know it will come, so am gearing up, cos the truth is , there will be days when we ll miss them but then “how can you miss something or some one that was never truly yours?”

By: Elle

Elle — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 19:43:43 +0000

HAC, your comments could be describing the situation I am in…or was in – I am a little further along the NC road…There are many of these things that my ex said (or wrote) in ending things, which all seem fairly reasonable, but among them were comments about how I was chasing him and sucking up to him and how unappealing that was (and, for good measure, he also said that I was merely a physical attraction for him). I can see now, for him, he was getting all this love and tenderness for very little in return, which made it feel despicable. I wasn’t sucking up – I know what that is – but I was giving an adult form of love and encouragement that was not merited or reciprocated so it came across that way.

Plus, I hadn’t scaled back properly to the early day stuff where, for various reasons, it is important for the man to feel in control/do the chasing.

Equally, as you suggested with you ex, he had already told me how he hates (his words) how women always suck up to him and let him get whatever he wants (RED FLAG). I have the icky role of being one on that list now! These people!

Glad you’re feeling good and being gentle with yourself. I am having mostly good, even euphoric days, then I get overwhelmed by the shock, hurt and indignity of it all… I am, at the moment, trying to reframe it in my mind as an incredibly painful, but hugely valuable and timely lesson and test of my own emotional maturity, self-love and self-composure. I can feel this vague sense of gratitude for the experience, just about…

By: HAC

HAC — Sat, 14 Aug 2010 04:51:42 +0000

Coming across this site was my epiphany.Today is my 6th day of NC AND i FEEL GREAT..i’m confident that if I have made it this far , I will make it all the way ..this blog has made it so much easier for me cos now I see that I’m not alone on this painful journey.It’s funny bcos my Assclown told me from the on set that he had never been in love… in the 53 years of his existence..now shouldnt that have been my red flag?..I still forged ahead regardless .In my naivete I was hoping I’d be that girl ..the one he’d been waiting for in the entirety of his five decades on planet earth..so I set myself up for a major heartbreak…. yes it hurts, plus I feel like a complete idiot for doing all the calling , all the chasing , all the texting etc.It wasnt exactly so at the begining ..he chased me down but as soon as he conquered ..he retracted.In retospect, I’m compelled to think that he gets his thrill from having women fall for him and better still having them grovel and beg for his love and attention.Said the right things..did the right things..an incredible lover…. but his heart was far removed from every gesture he ever made..scary isnt it?.Being the incurable romantic that Iam, I always equated passionate lovemaking to love..LOL..I have since discovered that people are wired very differently..silly me! So Iam forging on like a good soldier ….taking baby steps until I purge myself of this poisin..hopefully It shouldnt be too long..but how it hurts!!!!

By: Ada

Ada — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 04:33:10 +0000

I was infatuated with someone at work for the past 7 years while I had a caring, loving bf. The result was not pretty – I felt constantly rejected by the one I want and sought solace in the man I felt I did not want or desire. Recently I’m again infatuated with a guy whom I felt a strong chemistry with and started stalking him on FB. Being smarter and wiser, I know the cost of doing this to myself, so I deactivated my account. On the plus side, all these men who I am infatuated with inspired me to be a better person because I see their good qualities, which are then magnified by my imagination. However, the psychological toll of imagining a “non-existent” relationship is certainly not worth it!

By: warrior women

warrior women — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:17:14 +0000

I discovered this website yesterday and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. In the past 24 hours, this site and all the strong women on here have given me the strength to stand up for myself and to the EUM (I actually haven’t told him, and don’t plan to.. I’ve just vanished from him) . I was amazed at some of the comments, because I felt that I could have written every single one of them. Once I realized that my ex is an EUM, it seemed the fog had lifted and i am now able to see the light in all of this. I’m not a weak woman, I’m physically and mentally strong, that’s why I just couldn’t understand why I was having such a difficult time with this relationship. Now I know, it wasn’t me…. it wasn’t me at all, it was him and his manipulation of my life, my time, my love, and my energy. I take it all back, it’s all mine again.

For 4 years now, I have felt like I was in the wrong, that I needed to change so I could be with him. Not any more! I’m not wasting my energy or my time on someone who doesn’t treat me with love and compassion. I’m sorry that he cannot love me the way I want to be loved, but that’s his problem and not mine. I do love him very much but I honestly cannot stay with him and this feeling of being so alone is worse than actually being alone. It’s worse because he chose to not love me back instead he took from me the love. He was beyond mean to me, so mean that I would just sit there stunned. He’s hit me, he’s threatened to kill me, he’s been verbally abusive and I absorbed it all, I loved him unconditionally. But you know what, no more. He had his chance to make it right, to say he was sorry, he never did! NEVER! I’m not mad at him, I’m not mad at me. I smile now because I’m free, I feel like my heart no longer has scars on it, i feel like my heart now is beating stronger than ever.
Now I’m open for someone to come into my life that is worthy of my love. I’m no longer closed off and I know when that someone finds me, it’s going to be a beautiful thing. I’m an amazing woman and I deserve an amazing man!

I just wanted to thank all the women here for what they have written. I wish more women would rely on the strength of other women for all things, instead of turning against each other.
thank you all….. I hope my post will also give you the strength to move on. You are beautiful, you are doing your best for you… otherwise you wouldn’t be on here reading this, you would be curled up in a little ball after being beaten down by a man that is disqusting and not worthy of your devotion. It’s time you take back your life and give love to someone who will love you back.

Peace to all you warrior women.

By: Struggling Through

Struggling Through — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 19:47:49 +0000

Thanks! This is the kind of kick in the butt I needed. Day 13 for me and struggling because I want closure. My situation was not totally unrequited but the other party never really committed either. Just strung me along and played games for the last year.

By: D

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 22:03:47 +0000

I feel like i’m among friends here having read the posts I have been having an in my head relationshi with a guy who used me to massage his ego so he could leave his ex gf only to get back with her and then when he finally did leave her again he chose someone else to go out with at that point was when i had had it with him but i was still emotionally tied to him. The fact that he later became a manager of the place i liked hanging out just made it unbearable i was yo yoing fromi’m not going there anymore’ to ‘he can’t stop me going to the place i enjoy’ only to go there be ignored and left feeling like invisible shit.

I then met someone else and i think i did it to make the other one jealous and it worked he started talking to me again but by then i didn’t trust him anymore so when he told me to call him I couldn’t becuase he had a habit of being dr jekyll and mr hyde so i textedhim instead saying sorry but i couldn’t call him thats when he started avoiding me again hahaha and he made a comment to someone in a joking way ‘she doesn’t trust me’ with the intention for me to hear …I didn’t disagree I actually was thinking ‘well can you blame me?

It’s been just over a year and i went back to the place i used to be a regular at and what can i say I had an amazing time the first time i went and I stayed clear of him the second time the band wasn’t doing it for me and i got bored so i left (in the past i would have stayed even if i was bored just to be around him and hoped that he would have looked my way and smiled, just a little acknowledgement would have made my night…cringe)

So grateful for a place like this

By: judy

judy — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:07:39 +0000

I think we all need to “wake up” to our fabulous, powerful, creative, rich selves. I don’t want to sound like a wacky, lets hate men pro-feminist. Let’s face it – we can’t go back to change the morals, alot of us has had sex on the first date then fell in love and obsessed. i have done this so often and its ok, i am here now.

I am over it all, to me even with all of my failings (my pile of dead sheep – quite high, I am 50 and single) – the best revenge is to live well, succeed, look superb, create and make money doing what i love. That great love will come, I will not sweat it and I am not going to worry anymore. I am the most important.

in all of us is the supreme one, the great and the good and as women, lets let go of all this excess obsession, confusion. it doesn’t matter what happened if the guy is gone, rejoice! you have your superb self to be with and work on.

best of luck all and take the best of care!!!!

By: starry

starry — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 15:57:55 +0000

Thank you for the honesty in your post. You are probably the first to hit the nail on the head in my situation and ask the exact questions I had in my head. Its startling to discover that many females experience this as well. I reckon this happens far more often than anyone cares to reveal.

After reading this, I realise this dreadful pattern I had been applying to my life which began pretty much after my worst breakup. I am terrified of dating again and this was a perfect excuse to always decline being set up as I had a “guy on my mind”. Plus, it gave me short term happiness to believe i was loved. Although in reality he probably never reciprocated and there was no rship.

I’ve grown tired of waiting and wallowing in self-inflicted misery for a rship that doesn’t exist. I agree – time to wake up, connect to the real world and live my life in the real world.

By: Tania

Tania — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 06:50:45 +0000

Thanks again for your pragmatic no frills advice…you gave me a concrete example about how emotionally unavailable i still am, while thinking it was all about the insignificant other…very interesting!!

By: AmyV

AmyV — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 06:33:57 +0000

Judy
Thank you for the kind words. I agree, it is extremely difficult not to become attached when sex is involved. I really thought I could do that with this “friend”, but wow, it didn’t take long to get attached once the intimacy became more frequent. And it took me 4 months to realize that he was behaving exactly like my first emotionally charged (and devastating) EUM relationship. It was a real kick in the ass, I’ll tell you. I ignored the reliance on text messaging because we saw eachother everyday at work and talked. I ignored the reluctance to actually “go out” as part of the “secret relationship”. I ignored the reluctance to give anything “emotionally” as a by-product of a messy divorce, etc… But it finally struck me, when I saw him actually online on Match (I don’t have an active profile on Match, but I can still see other people’s profiles), that…OMG…he wants to date…but not me.

So now I’ve reluctantly decided to begin dating a man who’s been courting me for the past 3 months (I’ve kept him at arms length and not dated him or done anything beyond talk as friends until this week because I was waiting to see what was going on with my FWB). I am wary, because I don’t want to rebound, but I also don’t want to shut someone out who has been doing what a gentleman is supposed to do. Consistency, calling versus texting, wanting to take me out, etc…. I am going to hold off on sex this time around and try to do this right. I’m not feeling the fireworks though, which is where I’m concerned about my own EUW issues (worried I only feel the fireworks for the unattainable morons). I falter between feeling that I should take some time to be alone, and not wanting to lose what could potentially be a good thing.

By: shay

shay — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:44:51 +0000

oops, sorry! I thought I was editing…

By: shay

shay — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:43:41 +0000

hello.

just reading through all the comments here.

Natalie!

what a brilliant work of art: this post!

Cherry!

i won’t even go into my story. same. same. same. even the part about him wanting me to give him feedback and challenge him. wow.

Here are some steps I have taken that have gotten me out of pain:

1. I said “thank you” to the pain.

2a. I gave myself permission to stay on my course of destruction. For however long it took, knowing I could opt out at any moment.

2b. I kept listening and reading.

3. I analyzed the things that were good about the guy. The things that kept me mesmerized. And I looked for those qualities in myself. And found them.

4. I began to consider the five major feelings (and who cares exactly what they are? people differ in their assessments…), and every day I looked at each of these feelings and what was coming up in association to them, and then I gave those associations to God:

anger
fear
sadness
humiliation
happiness

5. My guy broke up with me and left no option for more contact, but then he kept breaking his own rule and contacting me. So when I found out he was going on a trip alone, to a beautiful beach destination, I wrote him an email: “Have fun on your trip. I WON’T BE IN TOUCH. But remember that I love you. And I will pray for you.” And when I hit Send, it felt so good! It felt great. And I thought to myself, “That is my last email to him. Ever.” And I went No Contact instinctively, without ever reading about it. And my self esteem began to return.

6. I got in touch with friends, even though I didn’t want to. I went out with them. (And it was fun.)

7. I began to take positive actions to better my life. I sold my house. I moved. I studied for a new career. I passed tests. I started LIVING. For ME. This was key for me. Every action gave me a surge of energy and positive regard for myself. They weren’t actions like getting a massage or buying a new dress. They were actions that propelled me forward.

8. I read every book I could on dating and waited and dreamed of the day that I could get “out there” again.

9. And now I am out there again. It’s good. It’s fun. It’s upbeat.

I’m not healed entirely, but the pain has lifted. And I get stuck wanting more from a guy than he wants to give… still. But I’ve come a long way. And I’m very thankful.

Cherry, just do one thing at a time and enjoy your process! You say you’re in so much pain that you don’t know what to do. Cherish these moments of intense feelings, because you feel ALIVE. And work forward. And forgive yourself. And love yourself!

With love,

“Shay”

By: shay

shay — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 18:23:02 +0000

hello.

just reading through all the comments here.

Natalie!

what a brilliant work of art: this post!

Cherry!

i won’t even go into my story. same. same. same. even the part about him wanting me to give him feedback and challenge him. wow.

Here are some steps I have taken that have gotten me out of my hole:

1. I said “thank you” to the pain. If there was no pain, we’d keep our hands on the hot stoves, and in the fires and on the hot pavements, and we’d be burned more than if we had pain.

2. I gave myself permission to stay on my course of destruction. For however long it took, knowing I could opt out at any moment.

3. I analyzed the things that were good about the guy. The things that kept me mesmerized. I looked for those qualities in myself.

4. I began to look at the five major feelings (and who cares exactly what they are? people differ in their assessment…), and every day I looked at each of these feelings and what was coming up in association with them, and then I gave those associations to God:

anger
fear
sadness
humiliation
happiness

5. My guy broke up with me and left no option for more contact, but he was one who kept breaking his own rules and contacting me. So when I found out he was going on a trip alone, to a beautiful beach destination, I wrote him an email: “Have fun on your trip. I WON’T BE IN TOUCH. But remember that I love you. And I will pray for you.” And when I hit Send, it felt so good! It felt great. And I thought to myself, “That is my last email to him. Ever.” And I went No Contact before I ever saw Natalie online. And my self esteem began to return.

6. I got in touch with friends, even though I didn’t want to. I went out with them. (And it was fun.)

7. I began to take positive actions to better my life. I sold my house. I moved. I studied for a new career. I passed tests. I started LIVING. For ME.

8. I read every book I could on dating and waited and dreamed of the day that I could get “out there” again.

9. And now I am out there again. It’s good. The pain has lifted.

THE PAIN HAS LIFTED!

I AM NO LONGER IN PAIN.

How wonderful. I earned it. And I also view it as a gift.

May you have that experience too, Cherry. And all of you on here!

Love,

“Shay”