Comments on: Love Lessons: When You Can’t or Won’t Ask Questions of the Man You’re Dating/in a Relationship With (P1) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/ Self Esteem|Dating|Relationships|Emotional Unavailability|Commitment| Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:27:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Theotoks http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-280004 Theotoks Wed, 11 Aug 2010 13:55:43 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-280004 This really hit home for me. I got involved in a conversation with him and I was flooded with emotions (abandonment) and I didn't ask questions. I assumed by the tone of his voice and the critical things he was saying that he was breaking up with me. He was not. I actually went NC and went through weeks of heartbreak and all along HE DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH ME. I had a small voice in my head telling me ASK HIM but I couldn't/didn't. WOW. Our instincts and intuitions are not always right and we need to check by asking for feedback. This really hit home for me.

I got involved in a conversation with him and I was flooded with emotions (abandonment) and I didn’t ask questions. I assumed by the tone of his voice and the critical things he was saying that he was breaking up with me. He was not. I actually went NC and went through weeks of heartbreak and all along HE DIDN’T BREAK UP WITH ME. I had a small voice in my head telling me ASK HIM but I couldn’t/didn’t.

WOW.

Our instincts and intuitions are not always right and we need to check by asking for feedback.

]]> By: JJ2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-265239 JJ2 Tue, 15 Jun 2010 03:45:26 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-265239 From Trinity: It’s how I found this site; I remember feeling desperate and typing into Google “men who withdraw or go cold” and up popped Baggage Reclaim. That's the same way I found this website: Googling on "Men who Withdraw." From Trinity: It’s how I found this site; I remember feeling desperate and typing into Google “men who withdraw or go cold” and up popped Baggage Reclaim.

That’s the same way I found this website: Googling on “Men who Withdraw.”

]]> By: JJ2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-265227 JJ2 Tue, 15 Jun 2010 01:19:47 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-265227 Trinity, same thing with my guy, except he never said he wasn't committed. He kept saying that "I was his whole life..." etc. He just kept withdrawing (even though I was staying in his house with him) and claimed he loved me. He would get mad and say things like, "take responsibility for your actions" but did HE ever take responsibility for HIS actions? HELL NO! Although he never claimed it, I felt like he never thought he was wrong and the problems were all in my head. HE WAS WITHDRAWING! So I would threaten to leave, and then he would "blow hot" for 24 hours, and then withdraw again. Trinity, same thing with my guy, except he never said he wasn’t committed. He kept saying that “I was his whole life…” etc. He just kept withdrawing (even though I was staying in his house with him) and claimed he loved me.

He would get mad and say things like, “take responsibility for your actions” but did HE ever take responsibility for HIS actions? HELL NO! Although he never claimed it, I felt like he never thought he was wrong and the problems were all in my head. HE WAS WITHDRAWING! So I would threaten to leave, and then he would “blow hot” for 24 hours, and then withdraw again.

]]> By: Trinity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-265214 Trinity Mon, 14 Jun 2010 23:31:20 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-265214 The hot and cold thing would have to be one of the most counter productive things ive ever experienced in a relationship. It does nothing but undo any progress, good work, trust and intimacy each time they go cold/withdraw. It’s how I found this site; I remember feeling desperate and typing into Google "men who withdraw or go cold" and up popped Baggage Reclaim. Finally I new it wasn’t all in my head, this was something very real and its seems a lot of people do it. I really can’t think of a more immature way of handling things in a relationship. It’s exhausting because anything you have built has been lost for awhile and slowed right back down as you pick up the pieces and build trust again. I liken it to you and your partner building a sand castle and just as it starts to look stable, he kicks it all down and you have to start again. Almost like just as i would start thinking "things are good, progressing and stable" BANG suddenly my relationship was being taken away or be reaccesed to the enth degree yet again by my partner. My x was silly enough to say to me that I should have trusted him 100%. I did trust him, in one sense, I new he would not cheat on me that was the last of my worrys and so forth but my trust in his emotional stability or ability was slowly being eroded through no fault of my own. This is a person who was also saying in the last 3 months of the relationship "something is stopping me from committing 100%" I told him, your asking me to trust 100% and yet in the same breath your telling me you cant commit 100%, I believe the two are directly linked" YOU CAN NOT expect some one to have complete trust when 1. Your partner keeps withdrawing from you over nothing or small things and 2. Your partner tells you I can’t commit 100%. He said he hoped somehow i could just trust 100% anyway! Talk about not accepting any responsability for ones actions. In retropsect he was saying regardless of what happens, how many times I leave then come back, how many times i go cold and not talk to you for days to weeks, how many times i show you im incappable of a conversation with out getting emotionally overwhelmed, how many times my moods swing erratically............ you simply must trust in me. Doesnt work that way,like Nat has stated........actions speak louder then words. Unfortunetly i was coming to realise with great heartache that i could not really trust in this man's stability to build something solid with no matter how i tried and how much i wanted to. I walked away knowing i really tried my very best. Take care :) The hot and cold thing would have to be one of the most counter productive things ive ever experienced in a relationship. It does nothing but undo any progress, good work, trust and intimacy each time they go cold/withdraw.
It’s how I found this site; I remember feeling desperate and typing into Google “men who withdraw or go cold” and up popped Baggage Reclaim. Finally I new it wasn’t all in my head, this was something very real and its seems a lot of people do it.
I really can’t think of a more immature way of handling things in a relationship. It’s exhausting because anything you have built has been lost for awhile and slowed right back down as you pick up the pieces and build trust again. I liken it to you and your partner building a sand castle and just as it starts to look stable, he kicks it all down and you have to start again. Almost like just as i would start thinking “things are good, progressing and stable” BANG suddenly my relationship was being taken away or be reaccesed to the enth degree yet again by my partner.
My x was silly enough to say to me that I should have trusted him 100%. I did trust him, in one sense, I new he would not cheat on me that was the last of my worrys and so forth but my trust in his emotional stability or ability was slowly being eroded through no fault of my own. This is a person who was also saying in the last 3 months of the relationship “something is stopping me from committing 100%”
I told him, your asking me to trust 100% and yet in the same breath your telling me you cant commit 100%, I believe the two are directly linked” YOU CAN NOT expect some one to have complete trust when 1. Your partner keeps withdrawing from you over nothing or small things and 2. Your partner tells you I can’t commit 100%. He said he hoped somehow i could just trust 100% anyway!
Talk about not accepting any responsability for ones actions.
In retropsect he was saying regardless of what happens, how many times I leave then come back, how many times i go cold and not talk to you for days to weeks, how many times i show you im incappable of a conversation with out getting emotionally overwhelmed, how many times my moods swing erratically………… you simply must trust in me.

Doesnt work that way,like Nat has stated……..actions speak louder then words. Unfortunetly i was coming to realise with great heartache that i could not really trust in this man’s stability to build something solid with no matter how i tried and how much i wanted to.
I walked away knowing i really tried my very best.
Take care :)

]]> By: Seeking Clarity http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264839 Seeking Clarity Fri, 11 Jun 2010 23:46:07 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264839 Ame, I never looked at it quite that way. Why is that we don't apply the same standards with our female friends? I have had female "aquaintances" that I hold at arms distance. I do this because they have showed me time and time again through there actions who they are. I have no problem trusting my gut when it comes these types. Yet when it involves a guy I like.....well it's like i purposely search my bottom drawer for the rose coloured glasses. That was before, but you are right the same standards should apply. Ame, I never looked at it quite that way. Why is that we don’t apply the same standards with our female friends? I have had female “aquaintances” that I hold at arms distance. I do this because they have showed me time and time again through there actions who they are. I have no problem trusting my gut when it comes these types. Yet when it involves a guy I like…..well it’s like i purposely search my bottom drawer for the rose coloured glasses. That was before, but you are right the same standards should apply.

]]> By: Zoe http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264814 Zoe Fri, 11 Jun 2010 16:26:15 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264814 Trinity, Sounds like a very insecure and miserable person. Move on and stay away! Trinity,
Sounds like a very insecure and miserable person.

Move on and stay away!

]]> By: Rich Man http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264806 Rich Man Fri, 11 Jun 2010 14:32:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264806 The shortest term for this issue is LACK OF COMMUNICATION. A relationship with no communication is not a relationship at all. It is like a bird flying without any thought of flying in the sky. If a relationship gets at this point, better to end it rather than suffer more. .-= Rich Man´s last blog ..<a href="http://www.richmenrock.com/how-to-meet-rich-men-online.html" rel="nofollow">How to Meet Rich Men Online</a> =-. The shortest term for this issue is LACK OF COMMUNICATION. A relationship with no communication is not a relationship at all. It is like a bird flying without any thought of flying in the sky. If a relationship gets at this point, better to end it rather than suffer more.
.-= Rich Man´s last blog ..How to Meet Rich Men Online =-.

]]> By: aphrogirl http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264797 aphrogirl Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:40:11 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264797 Well put ! that girl talk example is a nIce summary of the difference between a painfully confusing relationship and a stable relationship. Anyone who is recovering from the AC ride from hell needs to be reminded of that feeling of calm that is in a healthy relationship, thank you for that. Well put ! that girl talk example is a nIce summary of the difference between a painfully confusing relationship and a stable relationship.

Anyone who is recovering from the AC ride from hell needs to be reminded of that feeling of calm that is in a healthy relationship, thank you for that.

]]> By: Emily http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264793 Emily Fri, 11 Jun 2010 12:54:42 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264793 This is an excellent post. I think that your comment about LISTENING and HEARING is very important. I have been the one, in the past, to not hear what the man was saying (he was usually saying that the 'relationship' was casual). However, once I began listening, I soon got out of those situations. Now I am in a relationship which has clear communication. This is the case because he is very interested in me, and I am very interested in him. Bottom line: When you are both into each other, the communication is easy, clear and honest. Or an easier way to say it: when he is REALLY INTERESTED in you, he will let you know, and you won't have to question it. The only question you'll be asking is: Am I interested in him? Communication with your girlfriends on the topic of your love life will change from: "He said/did x, y, z... do you think that means he's into me? Does that count as a relationship?" And instead you'll be sharing: "He is so sweet, he said and did x, y, z... it is so amazing to see and feel his love for me." That's my experience. This is an excellent post. I think that your comment about LISTENING and HEARING is very important. I have been the one, in the past, to not hear what the man was saying (he was usually saying that the ‘relationship’ was casual). However, once I began listening, I soon got out of those situations.

Now I am in a relationship which has clear communication. This is the case because he is very interested in me, and I am very interested in him.

Bottom line:
When you are both into each other, the communication is easy, clear and honest. Or an easier way to say it: when he is REALLY INTERESTED in you, he will let you know, and you won’t have to question it. The only question you’ll be asking is: Am I interested in him?

Communication with your girlfriends on the topic of your love life will change from:
“He said/did x, y, z… do you think that means he’s into me? Does that count as a relationship?”
And instead you’ll be sharing:
“He is so sweet, he said and did x, y, z… it is so amazing to see and feel his love for me.”

That’s my experience.

]]> By: lindsay bluth http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264784 lindsay bluth Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:22:25 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264784 Great response! LOL @ the WTF, because only when we get to that stage can we pull ourselves out of the cycle of endless AC and EUM. LOVE your last paragraph. Great response! LOL @ the WTF, because only when we get to that stage can we pull ourselves out of the cycle of endless AC and EUM.

LOVE your last paragraph.

]]> By: lindsay bluth http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264783 lindsay bluth Fri, 11 Jun 2010 10:14:49 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264783 He’ll say it was a gift but that doesn’t work for men. On "Judge Judy" this scenario happens at least once a week with men walking of with women's "gifts" and women walking of with the judge's admonishments, "You look like a smart girl, why did you give him money?" Have you ever known a man who took a gift of money unless he was being kept. Most of the men I have known are eager to partake of a woman's money and have a "What's yours is ours" philosophy fairly early in the game. (Sorry about the situation with your ex!) He’ll say it was a gift but that doesn’t work for men.

On “Judge Judy” this scenario happens at least once a week with men walking of with women’s “gifts” and women walking of with the judge’s admonishments, “You look like a smart girl, why did you give him money?”

Have you ever known a man who took a gift of money unless he was being kept.

Most of the men I have known are eager to partake of a woman’s money and have a “What’s yours is ours” philosophy fairly early in the game.

(Sorry about the situation with your ex!)

]]> By: AmE http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264767 AmE Fri, 11 Jun 2010 04:44:39 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264767 Unfortunately for me, I was "going in reverse" with a male FRIEND. That's right, FRIEND. Neither of us claimed readiness for a relationship,...and we went in reverse! Talk about confused. Also, the claim that I would be the one 'pushing away' is bunk too. If 'pushing someone away' is expecting them to be honest,....then there are more problems than my 'pushing'.....IMO. Here's the screwed up thing,...I would expect the same level of honesty/behavior from a female too... I have learned to weed out a lot of female friends and their own set of crappy behavior by having level expectations of people regardless of their sex. Unfortunately for me, I was “going in reverse” with a male FRIEND. That’s right, FRIEND. Neither of us claimed readiness for a relationship,…and we went in reverse! Talk about confused. Also, the claim that I would be the one ‘pushing away’ is bunk too. If ‘pushing someone away’ is expecting them to be honest,….then there are more problems than my ‘pushing’…..IMO. Here’s the screwed up thing,…I would expect the same level of honesty/behavior from a female too… I have learned to weed out a lot of female friends and their own set of crappy behavior by having level expectations of people regardless of their sex.

]]> By: AmE http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264766 AmE Fri, 11 Jun 2010 04:37:55 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264766 JJ2,..Exactly,.... "dramatizing" or "complicating things" are both claiming the same thing. Otherwise, they would deal with the question or issue adequately and straight forwardly,.... and move on with things. No? JJ2,..Exactly,…. “dramatizing” or “complicating things” are both claiming the same thing. Otherwise, they would deal with the question or issue adequately and straight forwardly,…. and move on with things. No?

]]> By: MaryC http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264762 MaryC Fri, 11 Jun 2010 01:45:37 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264762 @Sara M.....unless you absolutely need the money and I guess it depends on how much it was, less than 1K, I'd just forget about it. He knows what a ass he is and he obviously has no intention of settling his debts. He'll say it was a gift but that doesn't work for men. Have you ever known a man who took a gift of money unless he was being kept. Take the high road but make sure all your/his friends know exactly what he's done. I know from experience...My ex took all the money we saved together when he left (he was cheating) and used it to take his new gf on vacation. I never once asked for my share back because I've never spoke to him again. All our freinds were horrified about what he did (cheating and money) and they let him know just how they felt and some aren't speaking to him either. I never bad mouthed him just told the truth. What could he say, it was a gift. @Sara M…..unless you absolutely need the money and I guess it depends on how much it was, less than 1K, I’d just forget about it. He knows what a ass he is and he obviously has no intention of settling his debts. He’ll say it was a gift but that doesn’t work for men. Have you ever known a man who took a gift of money unless he was being kept. Take the high road but make sure all your/his friends know exactly what he’s done.

I know from experience…My ex took all the money we saved together when he left (he was cheating) and used it to take his new gf on vacation. I never once asked for my share back because I’ve never spoke to him again. All our freinds were horrified about what he did (cheating and money) and they let him know just how they felt and some aren’t speaking to him either.

I never bad mouthed him just told the truth. What could he say, it was a gift.

]]> By: JJ2 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/comment-page-1/#comment-264758 JJ2 Fri, 11 Jun 2010 00:14:03 +0000 http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/love-lessons-when-you-cant-or-wont-ask-questions-of-the-man-youre-datingin-a-relationship-with-p1/#comment-264758 "He did not want a partner, he wanted a nice low maintenance wife in his life like I might want a nice new low maintenance car in my life. Think this is an old fashioned view, king of the castle and the women is right there with him doing what he wants. I might be able to cut the 60 year old geezers a bit of slack on this, but not the next generation. Guys like this do not make great long term partners unless you settle." Nope, don't cut the 60 year old geezers any slack. If you want an "active partner" then you will be unhappy cutting the 60 year old geezers some slack. I'm in my mid 50's, and I dated a 60 year old A/C. While we were dating, he was perfect, everything I wanted. When we lived together, then I got treated like a room-mate. Yep, he didn't want a cherished partner, he just wanted a room mate who would go their way and he go his. “He did not want a partner, he wanted a nice low maintenance wife in his life like I might want a nice new low maintenance car in my life. Think this is an old fashioned view, king of the castle and the women is right there with him doing what he wants. I might be able to cut the 60 year old geezers a bit of slack on this, but not the next generation. Guys like this do not make great long term partners unless you settle.”

Nope, don’t cut the 60 year old geezers any slack. If you want an “active partner” then you will be unhappy cutting the 60 year old geezers some slack. I’m in my mid 50′s, and I dated a 60 year old A/C. While we were dating, he was perfect, everything I wanted. When we lived together, then I got treated like a room-mate. Yep, he didn’t want a cherished partner, he just wanted a room mate who would go their way and he go his.

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